


The Janus Directive

by infiniteworld8



Series: Words of Revolution ,  Alternate Ending (The Janus Directive) and  deleted scenes. [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Aftermath of Nero, Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Altered Memories, Alternate Consciouness, Alternate Ending, BAMF Gaila, BAMF McCoy, BAMF Pike, Brainwashing, Breakdown of Reality, Brutal Murder, Conspiracy, Dark Kirk, Destroying Childhood Memories, Disillusionment, Dissociation, Disturbing Themes, Emotional Roller Coaster, Evil Jim, Gaila is awesome, Hurt Kirk, Kirk is going crazy...but not really, Mental Coercion, Mental Instability, Multi, Original Character Death(s), Pike can't fix everything, Psychosis, Repressed Memories, Rescue Missions, Sexual Violence, Slight Spirk, Starfleet Academy, Starfleet Conspiracy, Starfleet is not as amazing as it appears, Subliminal Messages, Tarsus IV, The Tarsus Nine, Vulcans being evil, Xenophobia in Starfleet still exists, neither can McCoy, neither is the federation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-04-13 12:39:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 96,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4522326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteworld8/pseuds/infiniteworld8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk finally let's people know he's one of the Tarsus Nine.  But is having the truth known really a good thing? Pandora's box has been opened and there's no closing it and what will come to light will rock the Federation and Starfleet at their core.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the long awaited alternate ending of Words of Revolution, fair warning this thing is long. Over 86K! It's completely written and updates will be on Mondays and Fridays. 
> 
> The story picks up in chapter 12 of the parent story and diverges from there. Hope you enjoy the ride.

Summary of the  chapters 1-12 of words for revolution [Words of Revolution](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1029886) 

_In a Starfleet academy class on ethics and psychology the cadets are given an assignment on Tarsus IV. Specifically, to write an essay both offering justification for Kodos actions in execution of over 4000 people and a counterpoint as to why he was wrong. The academy is soon polarized on the subject, some cadets believe that while Kodos may have executed the plan inappropriately he was overall justified in sanctioning the deaths of thousands. Others are staunchly against believing Kodos is right for any of his actions._

_For Kirk, a survivor of Tarsus IV who has kept silent for all these years, the recurrent discussions are dredging up memories that he has done his best to forget. As he struggles to keep his past a secret from his friends things are quickly coming to a head. When he finally reveals his identity, unwittingly things are set in motion that will affect not only him but Starfleet and the federation._

**Chapter One**

Kirk was in Relik’s class listening to the other cadet’s read their papers. All of the works were sanitized affairs, laced with speculation and inaccuracies. The justifications they made for Kodos were stupid at best and infuriatingly disrespectful and ignorant at worst. The summaries of why he was wrong barely scratched the surface of what had been wrong. The pages discussing Tarsus 9, all had some form of the words ‘A survivor might have or a survivor would’, it was all so detached and clinical, that Kirk longed to leap up and yell at them all.

He controlled himself. He waited until it was his turn to read. Wordlessly he passed the copy of his assignment to Relik. Relik raised an eyebrow as he saw the hardcopy.

Kirk didn’t notice he was trying to compose himself so he could read. He was starting to regret writing the paper. He didn’t want to read it aloud, last night in the stuporous haze of drunken he had been it had been easier to write. Now, after the effects of the liquor had faded, the sensations he felt whenever he thought about Tarsus were coming back full force. Kirk forced his breathing to slow, and picked up his notebook with sweaty palms. He stood up and hoped nobody noticed how he was trembling slightly. He saw several cadets staring at his pale face and knew that he wasn’t being entirely successful acting like nothing was wrong.

Relik interrupted Kirk’s attempt to regain control with “Mr. Kirk you actually decided to think this would be acceptable to turn in.”

Kirk was slightly confused. _Relik couldn’t have read the paper yet, so what was he disapproving of?_ Kirk asked “What do you mean?”

“The writing is so terrible it’s almost indecipherable, there’s splotches all across the pages like somebody wasted something on it and it’s written on a flimsy.”

“Yes.”

“The other assignments were all turned in digitally and were actually neat. Why did you write your paper like this?”

The response tumbled out; Kirk was starting to feel angry. He had spent hours writing something about something that he shouldn’t have had to and now the man was complaining because the paper wasn’t digital and it wasn’t neat. He answered flippantly to irritate Relik. “Why doesn’t my paper look like the rest of the class’? Maybe because I actually have a life and didn’t feel like spending days writing this crap.” Kirk shrugged “Maybe because I didn’t have time to make a fancy digital copy.  Maybe it looks like that.... because I felt like it.”

A row below him Kirk saw McCoy sigh and shake his head disapprovingly. He rounded on McCoy “Shut up, I don’t need any of your disapproving looks you asshole.”

McCoy just stared at him without speaking. Kirk turned away. Relik spoke. “Because you felt like it? Mr. Kirk I don’t think you understand the gravity of this assignment—“

“I don’t think you understand the gravity of this assignment, you’re a dumb fat a—that likes to torture people.”

“I like to torture people?” Relik said sceptically.

“I think I told you that, what you can’t hear now?” Kirk was very angry. The class was staring at him.

“Your comment makes no sense.”

“Your assignment makes no sense, but you know what I did it. And out of all the pieces of shit heard in class today this paper—“ Kirk shook his notebook. “Is the only one that actually makes any sense.”

“You think your attempt at this assignment is better than everybody else’s? “

“I don’t think, I know.”

Relik shook his head. “Mr. Kirk your level of narcissism is unbelievable. I was about to throw you out this class,--“ Relik continued sarcastically “but since I would hate to deprive the class of a literary masterpiece please continue and then afterwards _Mr. Hemingway_ meet me in Renfield’s office.”

There was laughter throughout the class. Kirk ignored the sound and started reading. The beginning of the paper was short. Kirk had written a brief summary of why Kodos’ decision was wrong. It was short, but Kirk felt it was more accurate than any of the other cadet’s overblown analyses. Several mouths feel open and one or two people giggle as he read.

Kirk read the next section of his paper; it wasn’t a justification for Kodos' actions, because as far as Kirk was concerned the man wasn’t right and could never be right.  More laughter followed as Kirk concluded that section.

When Kirk read the last section, where they were supposed to discuss the perspective of the Tarsus 9, he paused. Memories were threatening to engulf him; he pushed them back and plunged on.

“I was sent to Tarsus IV by my mother. She felt she couldn’t handle me anymore, and that I would be better off staying with some family there. At first everything was fine on Tarsus, I liked it there. It was better than on Earth, I felt loved, I was happy. My family there was everything I had always wanted.” Kirk paused; he felt tears gathering in his eyes as he thought of what happened next. He swallowed and continued. “Tarsus IV was prosperous, there was plenty of food, and crops did well. Then it all changed....”

Kirk ignored the eyes staring at him and continued. He went on for several minutes, when he got to the part about Kodos and what had happened next, he glanced up. Relik was staring at him. Kirk looked back down at his notebook and continued reading. “I was standing in the crowd and now everybody was nervous and scared by Kodos’ speech. Weapon fire broke out, bodies started falling, and there was blood everywhere...screams filled the air, people were running and trampling others as they tried to escape. ..The bright flash of disruptors was almost blinding... I’ll never forget the smell of burning flesh...”

Kirk continued until finally almost five minutes later a voice said “Mr. Kirk stop right there.” Kirk looked up not knowing what to expect, Relik’s tone was odd.

Relik was quiet for a moment then he said “Your paper is written in the first-person point of view.”

Kirk said “yes.”

“Why did you decide to write it like that?” Relik’s tone wasn’t antagonistic it was merely questioning.

“I-I it was the only way I could tell it.”

Relik nodded slightly, then he said “Your paper has a quality of realism unlike any of the others today...It’s like you were there.”

Kirk’s mouth went dry, he didn’t like the way the conversation was going. He had thought he wanted people to know, but now he wasn’t so sure. He didn’t like the way the rest of the cadets were looking at him.

“Well, you know I wanted to give a hundred percent and the paper was--“ Kirk started to say off-handedly with a weak grin .

Relik cut him off “It was true wasn’t it.”

Kirk said “N-no , no it wasn’t I..” He floundered seeing everybody’s stares as many assumed what Relik had. Kirk knew now that he didn’t want people to know, but it was fast becoming too late to hide his secret. He  stammered “It’s not true . I just wrote a paper.”

“Mr. Kirk it’s not something to be ashamed of. You’re one of the Tarsus 9”

“No I’m not! “ Kirk yelled desperately trying to sound believable but his voice was cracking,

“This explains your behaviour around campus and your outburst in class, does it not?” Relik said.

“It doesn’t explain anything Okay? You just have a way of pissing me off! Like you’re doing right now!”

“James you don’t have to lie.” Relik said.

“I’m not lying. I-I- just wrote a paper.” Kirk could tell as soon as he spoke that his words were having no effect, people were rapidly starting to agree with Relik. He saw the whispers, the understanding nods, he heard the comments.

 “Kirk it’s fine. We’re all behind you man...”

“—I’m sorry that’s why you were so mad the other day when I was talking about Tarsus IV.”

“—You’ll get over this my mom was in a similar situation and with therapy she got over...”

“I really don’t think they should let him stay in Starfleet if he’s one of the Tarsus 9 ; those people are probably really messed up. Look at him...”

Kirk stared at the class letting the comments wash over him. He sought Bones , but the doctor’s face was marred with pity and horror to.

Kirk couldn’t take it. He didn’t want pity, he didn’t want to be treated differently or to have everybody telling him it was okay. He wanted to move on and now he never would. Forever he would be branded now as a Tarsus 9. Kirk yelled at them all “Stop , just stop! I don’t want you to do this . I just want it to be like it never happened. Don’t look at me like I’m some poor messed up charity case—I-I-I’m a fucking human.”

The class fell silent at his words then somebody whispered “He’s distraught.” And somebody else chimed in the comments started up again this time more earnestly. Kirk grabbed his bag and almost ran from the auditorium. He heard a voice call “Jim.” , but he didn’t turn around. He knew McCoy had spoken but he didn’t want to see his friend look at him differently to, he just wanted to be who he was James T. Kirk. The person who was careless and reckless . The person who appeared to not give a shit about anything or anyone.  Not the person who cared so much about everything it hurt. Not the person who was to be pitied and consoled...and who would forever be looked at differently now.

He left the auditorium and didn’t know where to go. The news of what had happened in class was spreading faster than he could walk.  More condolences filtered surrounded him. Hands touched him, there were pats on the back and quiet apologies. It was too much. Kirk took off running through the sea of cadets. He needed quiet . He needed to get away from it all.

Kirk broke through the crowd  and emerged into the yard outside. He pulled his bag off and continued running, past startled faces, outstretched hands. He raced past the academy track, nearly knocking over the Russian kid whose name he couldn’t remember.  Kirk continued running until he was at the edge of the campus at the same reflecting pond where less than a day earlier he had told McCoy he was done pretending. He had meant the words then. Now he wished he hadn’t  followed through with his words. It was so much easier not to remember and act as if Tarsus Iv hadn’t happened when everybody didn’t know.

Kirk slumped over the bridge railing gasping for breath. A tight pain seared his ribs and his heart hammered in his chest. He felt cold as he thought of what would happen now. Starfleet, even though they had debriefed him years earlier would probably call and try to gather details from him as an adult that he hadn’t been able to give as a kid. People all over camp would talk. The news outlets would find out soon. He would be known as one of the Tarsus 9. The only one whose identity was known.

He would be the one who would have to bear the horror of the tragedy alone on his shoulders. People would want to know details and details were the one thing Kirk didn’t want to give. He didn’t want to be forced to remember the faces, the events, he didn’t want to remember the things he had witnessed, or the things that had happened to him. He didn’t want to tell what he had done...

Pity and horror would follow whatever he said. And Kirk didn’t want any of it. He wanted to be treated as he always had. Now it was too late. Everything was changed. Being treated differently was bad enough, but knowing how some of the cadets was even worse. Because he knew some of the pity and sympathy he would received would be entirely fake.

He couldn’t forget the words he had heard over the past few weeks.

_“The nine must have sold somebody else out; How else could they have lived?”_

_“Kodos was right.”_

_“It was only four-thousand people and most weren’t human...”_

Kirk stared at his hands and didn’t know how he was going to get through the next few days. Now that he secret was out he felt dirty, like he was somehow tainted. Maybe it was the way others had stared at him. Or maybe it was how he had always felt.

He closed his eyes and thought about what had happened. Memories surged forward and for once Kirk didn’t try to fight it. What was the point? _Soon, he would be forced to reveal it all to everyone._ Faces, places, and conversations from years and light-years ago swarmed through his mind. They came faster and faster until his awareness of the present disappeared. He wasn’t Jim anymore. He wasn’t a cadet at the academy. He wasn’t a grown man, messed up and broken. He was J.T, a child barely into his teens, on a world ravished by famine, with people relying on him when he didn’t even know if he could rely on himself...

“There he is!”

Kirk opened his eyes and saw a group of cadets advancing across the yard towards him. Apprehensively, he straightened up and as the group neared he saw one of the cadets was familiar; even though he was sure he had never seen the red-haired man before.

The cadets stopped barely a foot away from him and the red-haired one said intensely. “I need to know.”

Kirk waited for him to say something but the cadet just stared at him, with a face that was very pale and the expression of a person who was trying desperately to hold it together.  Finally Kirk asked. “You need to know what?”

“You were on Tarsus IV right? I heard from somebody you said you were one of the Tarsus 9?”

Kirk froze. He neither denied nor affirmed the man’s statement.

The cadets rushed on his words tumbling over each other. “My sister was there and I need to know—we never found her body. I need to know what happened.”

Kirk still didn’t speak, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the man’s pleading gaze.

A black-haired cadet standing behind the red-haired cadet placed a hand on his friends shoulder and said “Gestalt it’s okay. Kirk probably doesn’t—“

The man ignored his friend ignored his friend and pleaded “I know it’s not likely but maybe you saw her or something. She was just a little kid.”

The black-haired cadet spoke again. “Jake, let’s go he—“

“Please, her name was Sami.” Gestalt persisted.

Something clicked in Kirk’s head and suddenly with a sick feeling he realised why the man’s face was so familiar. It was the face of another person from long ago.  Kirk blurted out. “Sami, Your sister’s name was Sami?”

Gestalt nodded.

Kirk continued in a low voice, recited a list of features from a person that was branded in his memory. “She had red hair? Was-was a bit of a tomboy?”

Gestalt nodded again this time he had tears in his eyes. “You knew her?”

“Yes, I-I did.” Kirk whispered.

“Please tell me what happened to her, was it quick? Was she alone?”

Kirk didn’t speak; he glanced away. To tell the cadet what he wanted to know would mean remembering what had happened himself.

Gestalt was continued asking. Kirk turned back shouted. “I can’t tell you! I can’t. I—“ He stopped. He didn’t know what to say next. He stared at the ground.

Gestalt tried again “Please, I’ve always felt guilty for her being there alone. I was supposed to go but I was tired of her following me around. I persuade our parents to let me stay with some friends on the Martian colonies. So I wasn’t there when it happened. And she wasn’t on the lists of people they found so I thought maybe—“

Kirk turned back to Gestalt with anger in his eyes. “There is no maybe. And you don’t want to know!”

Gestalt shook his head. “Yes I do... Please.”

Kirk swallowed...There was silence except for Gestalt and Kirk’s ragged breathing.  “Sami used to talk about you all the time.... Her brother Jake...It’s nice to meet you.” Kirk said before falling silent again. He gazed into the water below the bridge and dragged a fingernail across the railing watching the faint indentation mar the wood. He sighed heavily, closed his eyes and then hesitantly continued. “Sami was...” Slowly the story of Sami’s life and death on Tarsus IV spilled out. Kirk left out the worst details but what he did tell brought gasps of shock and horror. Kirk opened his eyes and stared at the ground as the story. He couldn’t bear to meet the cadets’ eyes as he told of Sami’s death. He didn’t tell them why she had gone with the soldier. He didn’t tell them the lie he had told, because as long as he didn’t tell he could pretend it hadn’t happened. The only person who could know the full truth was him.

When Kirk finished he finally looked up. Gestalt’s face was very pale. Silent tears coursed down his cheeks. He was trembling and appeared about to be sick. “T-this can’t be true.” Gestalt breathed.

Kirk hated the words as he said them. “It is.”

“No-No . God No!” Gestalt collapsed into loud wrenching sobs. Kirk felt tears gathering in his own eyes, but he forced them back and began to back away from the cadets. He had to get away. The expression of the other cadets was a mixture of horror and ...pity. He turned away and began running so fast he couldn’t catch his breath.

Kirk realised he was going the wrong direction when he neared the academy buildings. He slipped through the crowd trying to find a way to the gates without being noticed. Cadets were sprawled across the grass; snatches of conversation could be heard. Most of the cadets were discussing Relik’s assignment and...him.

Kirk flinched and swung around as a hand touched his shoulder.  There was a crowd of people around him.

“Kirk my mother was on Tarsus Iv did you...”

“Did anybody else other than the nine survive—“

“I bet you just liked that in class. now you’re the fucking centre of attention yet again. You bastard.”

“Was it really a famine?”

“I’m so sorry for you Jim...”

Questions, comments, insults, opinions swarmed around him, the stimuli were overwhelming. Kirk wanted to sink to his knees and put his hands over his ears. His eyes darted from one face to another as the voices came faster and faster. He needed to get away.

“Jim!” a familiar voice filtered above the crowd’s clamour. Kirk was relieved to recognise Gaila as she moved toward him. He had never been happier to see her. She at least seemed the same; Her voice had the same seductive tone. Her face was the same half mixture of an attempt at innocence and a twinkle of mischief.  Maybe she at least would treat him the same. Gaila came nearer and threw her arms around his neck, leaning upward slightly. He felt her breath tickle his ear and heard  her start “Jim, I’m—“ Kirk didn’t want her to talk. He didn’t wait to hear the rest as he pulled his ear away from her mouth and kissed her firmly stopping her words.

He inhaled the deep spicy aroma of her skin, allowing the natural pheromones in her scent to release his mind from memories as it focused on more carnal instincts.  It was more an involuntary response than anything as felt his body reacting to her, but he welcomed the change. He wanted this...this was what he knew worked. Fucking, fighting or drinking and only one of the three was present now.  Her lips were hot and soft against his and she didn’t resist as her mouth opened against his; Gaila appeared surprised  by his abrupt change of heart but after a moment of hesitation, she reciprocated his actions.

The pheromones she produced  in response to his actions only drove him further. Gaila had always flirted with him and tried to coerce him at every opportunity to have sex with her. Well, now she was going to get her wish.  He had his own reasons for why out of all the people he would and did willing bed he stayed away from Orions but right now Gaila could hardly make him feel worse than he already did. Kirk pulled her tighter to him grabbing her under the hips and sliding her skirt up. He slipped his hands down her back pressing her closer, so he could grind into her  and she obligingly wrapped her legs around his waist. He was dimly aware that numerous cadets were watching them and they were in the middle of a public courtyard but at that moment it hardly seemed important.

He needed something...anything to take his mind off what was going on and make him feel a semblance of normalcy again and Gaila was that thing. The intoxicating aroma of her natural skin and the musky scent he was arousing was making him feel a plethora of emotions.

A confused mixture of guilt, pleasure, shame, anger, sadness and a myriad of other feelings he couldn’t begin to decipher suffused him.  He could feel every contour of her body through the thin fabric of their cadet uniforms, but he could also feel remembered pain streaking through his limbs. Flashes of memories of weapon fire, people falling and pools of blood, flowed together mingling with pleasurable memories. Her panting breaths were in his ears but so was the sound of panicked screaming.

His face was wet with tears as he tugged at Gaila’s uniform trying to unfasten it.  A sob broke out as he buried his head in her hair and felt her warm skin against his neck through her half-open uniform.  Gaila trying to pull back ; her breath came in irregular streaks. Kirk held her tightly, gripping her like a lifeline. “Please” He felt like he was going crazy.

“Shhh, shhh...”  She  grabbed his face in her hands, brushing his hair back and kissed him long and slow. When she pulled away both their faces were wet and her eyes were damp. He could see she knew by the look in her eyes, were more than a little empathetic. Another’s pleasure wasn’t the only thing Orions shared, they could also feel pain.

She was breathing hard, and still held his face between both her hands. She was fighting a losing battle not to cry when she whispered. “It’s okay Jim... It’s okay. I heard about  what happened in class and—” At that, Kirk tried to push her away but she was still holding him.

 He broke her grip and shoved her away anyway, ignoring the rest of what she was saying. He didn’t want to about Tarsus ever.

 Everyone seemed to be  watching them ; it was like he was hemmed in. He couldn’t move he was trapped. He couldn’t escape.

Kirk couldn’t take it. He backed away from all of them and shouted. “Stop it! Stop talking about Tarsus, stop talking about me! None of that...” Kirk faltered and his voice faded. _None of that mattered, none of that is important..._ He couldn’t speak the  words..it would have been lies anyway. _All of that mattered or why had he tried to forget it for years?_

He couldn’t take the look of pity and pain in Gaila’s eyes or the expressions on every other face. Without waiting to hear the questions, comments, apologies that would soon start back in earnest, he turned and ran. He had to get away.


	2. Chapter 2

Christopher Pike had served in many capacities during  his career. He had worked briefly in engineering aboard the U.S.S Farragut. He had served on star bases, and  small outposts. He had been a communications, security, engineering and once, due to being massively understaffed due to a plague, for a day or two a tech in a sickbay. Each had every job has come with its unique share of tasks some pleasant and others not so much. But the one job duty he hated and loved was linked directly with his standing as a captain, and that was first contact. First contact was a situation in which any event no matter how small or large had the opportunity to potentially devastate a civilization or vastly change its developmental course –for the better or worse. The situation was only exacerbated if the civilization in question was pre-warp and primitive. The technology factor and superstitions always made for a volatile mixture. Not to mention if the appearance of the creatures weren’t standard humanoid.

Pike flicked through the file on his data Padd and took a sip of his coffee. He noted the images on his screen and remembered meeting the race being detailed.  They were Idrisians. A standard humanoid species, only slightly differing from humans in the blue veins covering their skin and the extra fingers on their hands. They were a well-meaning civilization, but they had somehow got into a feud with their neighbours. To cap it off a disease called, the _Sithin Plague_ was decimating their population which they were convinced was the work of their gods.  The ship he was on had been sent to their planet to extract a compound that was used in a lot of medical cures, including the _Sithin_ Plague. The prime directive had applied and Pike had battled internally with himself whether he could potentially allow an entire to race to die out because of a law that was largely enforced by people who would never be touched by the effects or have to make life and death decisions based on a few paragraphs that could mean billions of deaths.

In the end he had made a decision that was never included in the official logs. Information about the cure was left in one of the Idrisian’s healers care, the older woman had taken it as a gift from the gods and hadn’t questioned the origin and Pike had left the area with a clear conscience. But now the actions of his past were coming back to haunt him.

The _Sithin_ Plague had been almost entirely reversed and but the civil war that had been raging when he had first visited the plant had only intensified. The squabbles of the Idrisians wouldn’t have mattered if their home planet wasn’t extremely close to the neutral zone and loaded with one of the largest dilithium deposits known in that sector the galaxy.  Somebody (unconfirmed reports suspected Romulans) was equipping one side of the Idrisians warring factions with weapons that were extremely advanced . Also it was suspected the same  individuals  were attempting to influence the war and lead to an extinction event .Which would leave the planet wide open for mining operations and a valuable spot for a strategic base near the neutral zone if they so chose.

Starfleet had sent Pike to investigate and try to alter the situation if possible, but they had also made it very clear that if he wasn’t successful then under no circumstances was he to allow the planet to fall into Romulan hands.

Pike leaned back in his chair and visualized the exact words the commodore had told him before signing off. “You are authorised to destroy the planetoid in the event it will fall under Romulan or Klingon control, we can’t risk starting a war by openly attacking them but we can get rid of the point of contention.”

Pike had argued, but after the commodore had threatened to have him removed from the assignment he had reluctantly signed off. There was no way he was going to allow somebody else to take over the assignment, he knew of several people who wouldn’t hesitate to do as the commodore had implied. They would reason the collateral deaths were acceptable if it maintained the security of the federation.

His musings were interrupted by a chime of his door.  “Enter.” Pike straightened up just in time to see a man in a blue science tunic walk in. “Spock.”

The Vulcan inclined his head at Pike’s greeting and without preamble started. “Captain, the ETA to the planet is estimated at five more minutes. Captain Waverly is requesting a meeting in the briefing room prior to transport.”

Pike regarded Spock in silence and not for the first time wondered why he had selected the Vulcan as his first officer. Then again, he reminded himself, it was the same reason he had selected his former first officer, Number One. Both she and Spock had a dedication to duty that he had found in few others.  Still Number one, unlike Spock hadn’t eventually learned to loosen up, and the Vulcan was still as rigid as the first day Pike had met him.

“So Spock, what...” Pike was forced to stop in what would be yet another attempt to try to force a little levity out the Vulcan by a series of notification chimes from his comm. unit.  He glanced at the message briefly and then gave it his full attention as the words registered.  He felt worry growing with every line. When he finished reading he continued staring at the screen, deep in thought.

“Is there something wrong Captain?”

Pike turned to find Spock watching him. “Nothing, Spock.”

“It has been my understanding that when humans say nothing in response to the question they often do not mean it.”

“It’s fine Spock, just some notifications about a project.”

“Very well, is there anything you require my assistance with?”

“No....on second thought tell Captain Waverly I’ll be a few minutes late for the briefing, there’s some things I have to take care of.”

Spock nodded and even though Pike could see he was curious to see what had brought about the change in Pike’s behaviour the Vulcan restrained himself. Pike waited until the door had swished shut and then he turned back to the screen and reread the notification he had received from a reporter in San Francisco.

_Pike, I owe you and that’s the only reason I’m sitting on this story instead of running with it. But it’s only a matter of time before it gets out. You wanted to know of any mentions of Kirk ever popped up on and I‘ve given you a few stories over the past few months, but this one is big. He’s claiming to be one of the Tarsus Nine. A kid at the academy told me the whole thing; I even have a copy of the paper he wrote. It’s attached._

_Anyway, this thing is going to get out. It’s already buzzing across the interlink, even if he’s lying he’s going to get a lot of publicity. I so regret I owe you, or I’d be interviewing him myself. But what you did for my family is worth it._

_Just thought I’d let you know before it gets splashed across the media._

_Hevlar Ye’ik , San Franscico City Courier News_

Pike’s mind drifted back as he remembered a time from years ago when he was a young officer. He remembered the blood, burning debris, screaming people, but most of all he remembered the child they had found locked in a cell in Kodos Compound.

_“Move, this place is supposed to have a self-destruct built in. I’m not waiting around checking half-empty cells for half-dead people and being caught in the blast.”_

_“Shut up Stephen, you’re a goddamn security guard; no wonder redshirts have such a high death rate if they’re all as scared as you.”_

_“You know what. I’m not the one who....”_

_“Quiet,  both of you.” Both men fell silent at Pike’s order and the group continued on in silence. Pike wasn’t sure why they were continuing the last alive person they had found was almost a quarter of a mile back in the upper cells, down here all there were was rats and skeletons. He glanced at his chronometer they only had a short amount of time to get out safely. Pike had read the database and he had seen the child’s name listed with so many others. He knew it was most likely that he had died weeks if not months earlier and they would be lucky if they found a skeleton. But he couldn’t walk away without knowing he had at least searched. He wouldn’t even be able to look himself in the mirror anymore if he didn’t at least try to find out what had happened._

_“Sir, we’ve only got a few minutes before—“_

_“I understand very well how much time we have left Mr. Tucker, and I don’t recall asking you for a status update. “_

_The ensign blushed slightly and fell silent at Pike’s sharp tone. The group continued on but Pike knew time was wearing thin and no matter what compromising the lives of his crew in attempt to salvage something of a long broken promise was foolishness._

_Still, if there was any way the answer could be found of what had happened to the boy, he had to know. He compromised in his head, a few more cells and then he would he lead the group back up. They rounded another corner and an ensign next to him said. “Sir I’m picking up faint readings in the next cell, humanoid.”_

_Pike nodded at the young woman and the entire group was silent. Carefully they unlocked the door checking for booby traps. When the door finally opened there was a collective intake of breath and somebody swore._

_“Fuck! It’s just a kid.”_

_Pike heard somebody mutter something else behind him, but he was staring at the thin naked body, covered in filth and injuries. Under the skeletalness, matted long dirty hair and thick layer of grime he saw the hint of a familiar face. Silently he whispered a name under his breath as the boy turned to meet his eyes with defiance. “Kirk”_

Pike closed the message and opened up a new screen. He checked his chronometer; he had only a few minutes before communications would be restricted due to the ship’s proximity to the neutral zone.  He was light-years away, but it was time to call in a few more favours. In fact he remembered somebody from years ago, when he had been only a young lieutenant himself. Now he was a captain and she was one of the top officials at Starfleet academy in San Francisco. She also happened to be one of the few people who could possibly help before the entire thing went too far to be turned back.

/O\

McCoy left Relik’s class, almost immediately after Kirk. “Jim!” he called out his name, but Kirk didn’t even turn around or give any sign he had noticed McCoy. The doctor caught a glimpse of his friend and tried to keep up. But he knew from experience that if Kirk was trying to escape no one was going to catch him. McCoy slowed to a jog, as Kirk disappeared into the distance.  There was no way he was going to catch his friend if he was bound and determined to get away; McCoy had learned that the hard way.  Plus, if he had caught up with him and tried to get him to stop, it would have been like trying to detain a wild animal: McCoy had learned that the hard way also.

“Damn it.” he was swearing at himself and the situation.  He was a doctor. He should have seen the signs and what it was all pointing to. The seemingly random outbursts, the not eating or massively overeating, the indiscriminate outbreaks of anger, sadness, or guilt, the refusal to talk about what was bothering him, the nightmares that ended in screaming,  and the cryptic references over the past few months,  it all pointed towards Tarsus. And what made it worse that was several times over the past few weeks McCoy _had_ suspected that Kirk could be one of the Tarsus 9, but any time he had thought about breaching the subject or delving deeper he had dismissed the idea as idiocy. _Jim was his friend surely he would have said something? Surely somebody would know if that was the case?_ McCoy had wanted it not to be truth and so he hadn’t allowed himself to believe it was the truth.

But the worse thing was that even while he was staunchly denying Kirk as possibly being one of the Tarsus 9, he had always had a small part of him that had almost known the truth. McCoy mentally berated himself, he was the reason this was going on. He should have just come out and said it. _“Jim were you on Tarsus? Are you one of the Tarsus 9?”_  Sure, Kirk would have yelled, cursed,( possibly if he was drunk enough) tried to attack him, but at least McCoy would have asked. And even if Kirk had refused to tell McCoy would still have known, because he was sure that if he had confronted him with the truth, it would have been to overwhelming for him to effectively hide it anymore, at least from his best friend.

McCoy stood in the middle of the corridor staring after where Kirk had vanished into the crowd. The rumours and gossip of the other cadets swirled around him. McCoy tried to figure out what to do. He knew Kirk wanted to be alone and seeking out him in his current state would probably be futile, but he also knew after all that had happened Kirk wasn’t going to be handling it well. And McCoy couldn’t really blame him. McCoy’s anger at the whole situation was only further incensed by the cadet’s comments.

“Kirk has finally done it again. The little fucker has found another way to gain some attention. “ McCoy turned around his face bright red; he glared at the cadet who was talking. The commentary didn’t cease, the man hadn’t even noticed the doctor watching him. “I bet he hasn’t even set a foot on Tarsus in his life.”

A male cadet standing nearby interjected. “Viegels, you weren’t there it didn’t sound like a joke.”

Harsh laughter broke in from the cadet who had first spoken and when he finally caught his breath he said.  “You’re an idiot if you believe half the crap Kirk says.” The other cadet was about to speak in Kirk’s defence when Viegels cut in. “Tell you what, I‘ll bet you fifty credits Kirks a liar. “ Viegels pulled a data Padd out his bag and turned it on. “Let’s see how he reacts to this. “ He keyed in a sequence and then shoved the Padd into the other cadet’s hands. “If he _really_ was on Tarsus that should give us some proof.”

“The other cadet swallowed and then passed the Padd back to Viegels with a sick look on his face. “What are you going to do with those? “

McCoy ventured closer and was still unnoticed. He finally was able to see the Padd screen and a slide show was flashing past. Dismembered bodies, scorched houses, emaciated children, and numerous other photographs of destruction were sliding across the screen. Viegels added. “Pictures directly from Tarsus IV...bet the fucker never saw any of this because he _wasn’t_  there.”

 McCoy sucked in a deep breath and wrenched his gaze away from the horrifying sight. He glanced up just in time to hear the rest of the conversation.

“You want to know what am I going to do with these? I’m going to perform an experiment of sorts. If Kirk was really on Tarsus his reaction to these photos should be pretty interesting, and if not well he’ll be his usual asshole self.”

“You wouldn’t do that. “

“Oh yes, I would as a matter of fact I’m going to find that prick and get—“

Viegels stumbled backwards as a blow landed solidly on his jaw. He raised a hand to his and cupped the bruised area in shock staring wildly around. “Fuck!”

He barely had time to see the doctor before he was hit again. McCoy wasn’t much of a brawler but he was quick and efficient; he didn’t waste time in the areas a lot of fighters would have gone for. Being a doctor was something that came in handy when trying to incapacitate sometime at least twice your size. Viegels recovered surprisingly quick from the blow and an intense and bloody fight started. McCoy and Viegels were soon surrounded by a group of cadets, some cheering them on. Others merely watching.

McCoy was furious. Under normal circumstances he would have let what Viegels said go or maybe made a smart retort but today was different. Today was the day he had to listen as his best friend divulged information about something so horrifying that he hadn’t talked about it for probably years. And in addition to confessing he now had to deal with everyone’s reaction to it. Viegels comments had been the breaking point. McCoy knew that Viegels was just one of many cadets who would probably want to _test_ Kirk out to see if it was the truth.  But McCoy wasn’t going to allow it.

Only Joanna managed to incite more of a protective feeling in McCoy than Kirk. McCoy didn’t even know why that was maybe because Kirk was his best friend or maybe because the kid just seemed so alone. Or maybe because McCoy knew that if he didn’t care about Kirk, there was nobody else that truly did. Whatever the reason McCoy was still doing his best to beat Viegels into a pulp when a loud whistle sounded. Momentarily the fighters paused, but then Viegels took advantage of the distraction and tried to trip McCoy. Then the fight restarted in earnest.  The melee only truly ceased when McCoy was bodily dragged away from Viegels.

Bothe men stood staring at each other with a security guard holding on to either of them.   McCoy silent glared at the Viegels, the security guard holding on to the doctor asked. “What is this about?”

McCoy didn’t answer, but Viegels spoke.  “This freaking nutcase attacked me! Right out the fucking blue! Apparently Kirk’s insanity is catching. All that fucking time you spend with that crazy asshole has gotten to you. “ McCoy shifted at the other cadet’s statement and the guard holding him tightened his grip. Viegels was undeterred.“ You might want to think about spending a little less time around Kirk, before people start thinking you two have something else going on.”

McCoy ground his teeth, Viegel’s dabbed his split lip that was streaming blood and then spoke, delivering the last words like a parting shot. “Although, I’m sure that with what _he says_ he’s been through he’s probably already been somebody’s bitch.” 

The security guard holding the doctor was unprepared for him as McCoy ripped himself free and launched himself towards Viegels. The fight restarted and the crowd of cadets surrounding the two combatants did little to help break it up. When Viegels and McCoy were pulled apart again, the security guards made sure to keep a firm hold on them both.

They were marched away. McCoy knew that he was in trouble and he shouldn’t have risen to the bait, but he had had enough.  Security was determined to take them both to medical but McCoy staunchly refused even though he had a few lacerations adorning one side of his face and one or two of his ribs was aching in a way that led him to suspect a fracture.  So McCoy by himself was escorted to Renfield’s office.

/O\

Renfield was at her desk reading a link that professor Relik had sent her with Kirk’s document. She was only half-way through and she was having difficulty continuing. The vivid detail wasn’t what was getting to her the most; instead it was knowing that all of what she was reading was real. She had trouble believing anybody could have written what he had, in the way he had and it not be true. Plus it all fit. The incidents Kirk had been involved in over the past few weeks she was seeing in a different light. She could see now, why he had seemingly been randomly attacking people, why he had wrecked the mess hall during dinner, why he was repeatedly coming to class drunk or hung-over.

She should have intervened, before any of this had happened. She should have seen the signs, but she had done like most people at the academy and assumed she knew what was going on: Kirk was acting out over the memorial for the Kelvin.  

Hell, after Tarsus the Kelvin was a minor blurb in history. The Kelvin had been a tragedy, Tarsus was a massacre.

Now, she had an entire campus that was in uproar, a potentially volatile cadet, and a media disaster. She already had several comms . from higher- ups demanding to know what was going on and messages from media wanting an official statement. And the nightmare was just beginning.

The door to her office chimed. Renfield turned off her screen and sighed. “Come in.”

Her gratefulness for the distraction was abruptly cut off as she saw who had entered. She stood up and walked a few feet forward. “What can I do for you professor Relik?”

“I assume you read Kirk’s paper by now.”

“Most of it yes.”

“Then you see what we’re dealing with here.

“Excuse me?”

“Commander, this is the chance of a lifetime. Finally we have an opportunity to find out what really happened on Tarsus.”

Renfield stared at Relik in disbelief then quickly adjusted her features. “Professor, we already know what happened on Tarsus. A madman ordered the execution of four thousand colonists and was the mastermind of one of the biggest massacres in Federation History.”

“Yes, but there’s also the untold story. We don’t know what really happened there. Why was Kodos able to overthrow the government so easily? What was the specifics of his eugenics program? Why did Starfleet take so long in coming to the colonists’ aid?”

“Are you trying to insinuate there’s some kind of conspiracy surrounding Tarsus? Because frankly professor, I’m already knee-deep in shit  and having to deal with yours is the last straw.”

Relik turned bright red, and Renfield had a few moments to regret losing her temper before the professor started in earnest.

“You can’t keep this secret, once Kirk’s story is known the truth will be also an—“

The professor continued talking with his voice growing steady louder as he over talked Renfield’s attempts to respond.

/O\

McCoy and the guard arrived at Renfield’s office and the guard rang. There wasn’t an answer, but inside two voices could be heard engaged in a mostly one-sided argument. McCoy recognised Renfield and Relik’s voices.

“You  can’t keep this a secret. Starfleet can’t keep this a secret.”

Nobody’s trying to keep—“

“Don’t lie; you’re in on this whole this whole thing. I thought that maybe you were a woman of integrity but now I see you’re like the rest of these spineless Starfleet automatons. You’re perfectly willing to cover all this up aren’t you?"

“Professor,   there is no cover-up. This—“

“If there’s no cover-up then why was  the same man who called himself Kodos found to also have served on a Starfleet ship, specifically the –“

“Relik that is a rumour. It is utterly unfounded. Kodos was a –“

“Lie created by Starfleet to hide, what they did. And Kirk will finally give the public the truth.”

“And I guess this is all just altruism on your part professor and you’re not thinking of what you’ll get from this venture.”

Relik ignored Renfield’s sarcasm. “No matter what I have to do I will not allow these lies to persist. If I have to Kirk will be dragged in front of the media and made to tell the truth, the public deserve it.”

“I will not allow you to do that.”

“You have no choice. The file I sent you of his paper has already been disseminated to the media in the San Francisco area and soon will be spreading faster than you can clean it up. People _will know_  the truth of Tarsus—“

McCoy ripped himself free from the security guard holding him. He grabbed the door and forced himself into the office ignoring the guard’s attempt to stop him. Renfield and Relik turned to look at him. Renfield began to speak. “Doctor what are you—“

McCoy ignored her; he crossed the few feet to Relik and hit him squarely on the Jaw. The professor stumbled back and appeared surprised. McCoy was about to follow through with his blow, when two sets of hands dragged him back.

“What is going on?”

The security Guard answered Renfield’s question. “I’m sorry ma’am, he and another cadet were fighting and I brought them here for disciplinary action. He let himself in here, we’ll be leaving.”

McCoy spoke angrily. “The hell I will. I’m not standing outside while this bastard stands and attempts to use all this to his fucking advantage.”

Relik pushed himself up from where he had fallen and said. “ _Doctor_ there’s more here in play then you can possibly know, so why don’t you go back to medical and organise your hypos and leave the serious business to the rest of us.”

The security guard had caught a hold of McCoy again and that was the only thing that saved Relik from a blow that would have surely broken his jaw.  Renfield quickly intervened before McCoy could go farther. “Doctor, I want you to wait outside and—“ She stopped as the comm. unit on her desk announced an incoming message.

She reached over and activated it without taking her eyes off the doctor and Relik. “Give me a moment, and I’ll be—“

“I don’t have a moment Renfield.”

Renfield turned around at the voice and stared in shock before answering. “Captain Pike, Sir, I—“

Pike over talked her stumbling words. “I have a few minutes and barely that but this is of extreme importance.”

“I understand. “ Renfield turned back to Relik, McCoy and the security guard. “Doctor McCoy, professor Relik, please wait outside with security and we’ll continue this conversation—“

As Renfield spoke Pike took a second glance at the occupants of the room and he seemed to linger over Relik before turning to regard the doctor. “You’re doctor McCoy? Doctor Leonard H. McCoy?”

McCoy was startled at being addressed but quickly answered. “Uh, yes sir.”

Pike nodded. “Then I’d like you to stay, this involves you also.”

The security guard walked out looking puzzled and a disgruntled Relik followed. There was silence for a few seconds in which Pike appeared to be scrutinizing them all and then he spoke. “I heard about the paper Kirk wrote.”

McCoy’s eyes widened in shock and there was a startled intake of air before Renfield asked. “Excuse me sir aren’t you light-years away? Kirk’s paper hasn’t been out for over an hour or two at most. How can you—“

“I keep tabs on people who I think have potential, plus this story is spreading fast.” Before Renfield could speak, Pike continued. “Where is Kirk?”

“I don’t know he left class and I tried to follow him but…“ McCoy trailed off

Pike spoke “He’s needs to be found and quickly.”

Renfield nodded. “We’ll get academy security on it and Starfleet –“

“Kirk knows how not to be found if he doesn’t want to.  Don’t involve Security, don’t involve the police.“  Pike turned to McCoy. “There’s going to be some people that won’t appreciate Kirk’s honesty. Anybody that thinks everyone who got off Tarsus was innocent is a fool. The media won’t be the only people looking for him the Tarsus 9’s identity was kept a secret for a reason. Find Kirk and find him soon.”

McCoy nodded, and turned away. Pike was already beginning to talk with Renfield, but McCoy wasn’t listening, his mind was already racing through possibilities trying to figure out where Kirk could have gone off to. He walked out into the corridor where a fuming Relik was obstinately arguing with the security guard. The corridor was teeming with filled with people as classes ended for the day and the news of what Kirk had done spread further. McCoy left the building and was halfway across the courtyard when he heard the sound of crying and a familiar voice. He pushed his way through the crowd, and found Uhura and Gaila sitting on a bench. The Orion girl was crying profusely and that more than anything shocked McCoy. He had never seen Gaila shed a tear; in fact he wasn’t even sure if he had ever heard of an Orion crying.

“What’s going on?”

Uhura glanced up from where she was trying fruitlessly to console her friend. “I don’t know, she’s not making much sense now. “

McCoy leaned down and said. “Gaila, what’s happened?”

The she raised her head and McCoy saw her emerald face was soaked and her eyes were swollen. She gasped in between sobs. “H-h-he. It’s awful…” She broke off and began crying again this time worse than before. McCoy sat down on the bench next to the two women and as much as he was hesitant to do so, gently put an arm around Gaila’s shoulders.

Uhura spoke. “You need to tell us what happened. What’s bothering you? Who was it?”

Gaila sucked in a breath and said “K-Kirk.”

Uhura turned to glare at McCoy and the doctor felt himself growing cold all over. It wasn’t Uhura’s look that had done it to him; it was what Gaila had said. What was bad enough to make an Orion girl breakdown in tears? Especially Gaila. And whatever it was Kirk had done it.

McCoy didn’t want to think that way about Kirk but he had over the past few weeks been acting extremely out of the ordinary. McCoy couldn’t say he would have been surprised to find out he had done something else crazy. Steeling himself McCoy asked “What happened?”

Gaila hiccupped and cupped her hands together then said.”I came outside and Kirk was running through the courtyard—like he was panicked or something—I called his name and then he stopped and I was trying to tell him—h-how sorry I was about what had happened to him, but he started kissing me.”

McCoy was staunchly ignoring the furious glare Uhura was giving him over Gaila’s head.

Gaila paused and blew her nose and hiccupped before continuing. “He picked me up and started trying to get my shirt off and we were still kissing, but he was crying and then it was all happening at once.”

Gaila grabbed a piece of her hair and started tugging at it as she spoke. “And I felt it. It hurt so much.” She  broke off and began sobbing again. “I felt it—everything he was feeling—and it hurts.”

Uhura frowned, “Wait, what exactly happened.”

This time McCoy spoke. “Orion’s have minor empathetic capabilities, nowhere near as strong as a Betazoid’s or similar race but more than humans, that’s partly the reason they enjoy some uh... other activities so much. Anyway,  she must have picked up some of Kirk’s emotions and that’s what got to her.”

“But if Gaila only has minor empathetic capabilities, why is she affected like this?”

McCoy shrugged two thoughts had already crossed his mind. “Either hers abilities are stronger or Kirk’s feelings were a lot more intense for a human right now than they normally would be.” Uhura appeared to be about to ask another question, but McCoy spoke instead. “Uhura, Gaila I need your help. Kirk’s not thinking clearly and half the media is looking for him. I need to find him, he shouldn’t be alone right now.”

Gaila looked up. “Last time I saw him he was running towards the academy exit.”

“Then we’ll need to search on –campus and off”

“Why don’t we just get security involved? I—“

McCoy cut off Uhura’s question before she could continue. “Because if you get them involved Kirk’s definitely not going to be found, plus the media will get wind of this even more and have a field day.”

Uhura nodded. “Okay, then let’s get started.”

McCoy nodded and stood up.  “If anybody finds him, wait in the rec room of Nimitz Hall.”  He offered a hand to Gaila who was wiping her eyes and had stopped crying. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just don’t know how he can live with remembering all that.”

McCoy watched Gaila and Uhura walk away.  Gaila’s words were ringing in his ears as he started searching for his friend.


	3. Chapter 3

It was night time, after Kirk had left the academy he had sought out something familiar. He had ventured back to the haunts of his old life. The places were different, but the sights , smells, sounds, feelings were the sane. The recklessness he had spent most of his life in before the academy was what he wanted. It was the only way for him to get away. Living on the edge left little room for thinking or remembering.

Kirk slid off his motorcycle and pulled the ignition chip out. He tossed a now empty bottle of liquor to the side. Above him loomed an old –fashioned neon sign, haphazardly hanging in front of a older brick building. In front of a building stood a group of tough looking bikers, he started pass them and was vaguely disappointed when they didn’t react except to stare at him. It wasn’t that he was out of place that made them stare , it was more that his face bore the unmistakeable signs of a recent fight, and he had an attitude that even the most body-language blind person could read, that said he was spoiling for another one and didn’t care if he won.

Kirk was reconsidering whether the—he glanced at the sign – _Viper’s nest_ —was really as good as it’s reputation.  He had heard it sold almost every illegal liquor that was available this side of the Alpha quadrant. He had heard about the other illegal substances that were enough to knock out twelve full grown Le-matya, and he knew that all manner of woman frequented the place. But the atmosphere was totally ruined for him if the occupants of the bar turned out to be anything like the almost placid patrons he had seen out front.  Because no matter whether he was high, drunk or making out with somebody he didn’t even know, nothing took his mind off anything else like getting into a fight. Preferably one he wasn’t going to win.

The inside of the bar was hazy with the smoke of at least 20 different mostly illegal alien drugs. A wash of noise rushed over him, loud throbbing music and the voices of the other patrons as they argued, talked, or whistle and catcalled at the almost naked women strolling the floor serving drinks or...doing other things.

Kirk picked his way through the dance floor packed with people, crossed to the bar and ordered a drink. “Hey,” He twisted around as he heard a woman’s voice. “You look a little out of place; maybe I can help you with that?” Kirk appraised the woman she was slightly blue skinned and had cat-shaped eyes. Her clothes were almost non-existent and consisted of a strip of cloth across her chest and an extremely short skirt.

Kirk grinned drunkenly “Maybe you can.”  The next few minutes that followed were a indistinct melange of flirting and off-colour comments.

Before he was fully aware of how it had happened, they were in a secluded hall ,she was gasping in his ear, and her fingernails were digging into his back. Kirk felt her hot breath on his neck and pulled her closer. He had no idea who she was, not even her name, but that was okay.  Names, weren’t important, he preferred things impersonal.  He focused on kissing her and slid his hands further down her back, easing her skirt up.  She rocked her pelvis forward grinding against him, eager for more. He groaned with anticipation as she bit his lip but was stopped from going farther by a low, harsh voice.

“Move it, you’re mine. “

Kirk raised his head, to find a man half-dragging a young woman who was little more than a teen. She had bruises down one side of her face and half her dressed was ripped.  The girl whimpered as the man tightened his grip on her arm.

“They’re a debt to be paid and you’re the payment so get to it.”

The woman in Kirk’s arms shifted impatiently, now that he had stopped kissing her. But he wasn’t interested in her. He watched as the man dragged the young woman into a storage room.

Kirk released the woman, causing her to glare at him, but he was already starting after the girl.  It was obvious what was going on and it wasn’t really his business anyway. Except....it was.  That girl could have been him in fact she had been him...a long, long time ago that wasn’t really that long. He wanted to fight, he wanted to make someone hurt and release the anger that was surging through him and here was the perfect excuse.

Minutes later the girl had fled. She’d probably find her way to San Fransciso and into more trouble...it was harder to get away from that type of life then it was to get pulled into it.

Kirk stared after her for a few seconds, then down at his bloody knuckles.  He was pretty sure the guy wasn’t dead, he’d been breathing when he left. Now the white hot anger had  faded and Kirk just felt empty.

He went back to the hallway to find the woman he had been making out earlier with was gone. But that was okay, now that he thought about it; he wasn’t in the mood for sex anyway. He wove his way back into the main club. Instinct and prior encounters lead him to a secluded corner. The familiar smell of numerous alien intoxicants wafted towards him, reminding him of years past and oblivion filled days.  He stopped motionless in the middle of the club, patrons jostled past him. The smell was strong, he close his eyes and fought with himself to avoid giving in.  But the promise of nothingness was greater than the promise he had made to himself never to go back to his old ways.

He followed the sickeningly enticing aroma until he found himself in  a back room. Various people human and alien were either sprawled across chairs or the floor in varying states of unconsciousness or engaged in a myriad of acts. One person was sitting on a sofa in the corner of the room with two naked women lying across him.  It was a man who appeared to be a mixture of human and another race, he had tattoos scrawled across his body a shaved head , and a bar chest gleaming with sweat. As Kirk neared the man straightened up and pushed the females to the side. “You need something?””

Kirk hesitated, he knew what he was about to do was a bad idea , but he couldn’t stop himself. He needed to forget, and his usual outlets weren’t working.  He nodded and before he could stop himself was pulling credits out his pockets and being handed a assortment of hypos and pills. Kirk felt slightly guilty, he had promised McCoy after the doctor had found him once, never to do it again. But the doctor didn’t understand what it was like to be forced to remember every moment, every face...every memory he had tried to forget.

Kirk went into the bathroom and found a secluded stall, he ignored the voices and gasping breaths coming from the stall next to him, instead he dry swallowed the handful of pills he had been given and snapped the tops of the cartridges. Deftly he mixed the liquids together and then he rolled up his sleeve and pressured it in. He relaxed felt the drugs began to take effect. His heart fluttered and a warm feeling spread across his whole body. His mind grew strangely fuzzy, obscuring the images and voices which had been tormenting him. He knew they were still there if he tried to access them, and they would come back full force as soon as the drugs wore off, but even the hours of peace he was granted was better than nothing.

Kirk stood up swaying slightly at the cocktail of drugs raging through his system, momentarily he wondered whether he had gone too far and would wind up overdosing. Then he decided he didn’t care, death was a risk he was willing to take if it meant he could have a few hours of peace.

/O\

Kirk gestured to the bartender for another round of shots as he was finishing off his fourth round already. The woman frowned but didn’t argue as she went off to pour the liquor.  Kirk gulped the liquor down, wincing as it burned his throat. After taking his cocktail of drugs he had left the vipers nest opting for a more subdued environment, where he could focus on his next goal: getting drunk enough that he passed out. He felt unconsciousness creeping t the edges of his mind, but it wouldn’t claim him.

He  started on another round of drink and mindlessly  half-listened to the news flashing across the Holo screen above the bar

... _prices of civilian shuttles are rising. Many market experts attribute the rise to new regulations imposed...In a recent disaster fourteen people were killed while hiking on the Martian colonies, the deaths are related to a combination of environmental anomalies and over-estimation of ability, states a prominent official on the case....and_ _Breaking New: One of the identities of the Tarsus Nine is allegedly known._

Kirk straightened up as the woman continued speaking.

_Earlier today at Starfleet academy on Earth San Francisco, California, one of the cadets has claimed to be a member of the infamous group. During a classroom assignment the student in question admitted to being on Tarsus IV and  a member of the only survivors from “Kodos Condemned.”_

_The cadet in question is James Tiberius Kirk, son of the Famous George Samuel Kirk who died heroically on the doomed Kelvin trying to thwart a Romulan renegade’s attack on the Starfleet vessel._

_Cadet Kirk’s reputation has people on the fence as to the validity of his statement, While Kirk’s father is known in a heroic light, his son has apparently not followed in his father’s footsteps. According to fellow cadets he is known for jokes and recklessness as well as extreme aggression.  And prior to his entrance in the academy several friends give details of shady past activities. His reputations coupled with his prior behaviors have the academy torn as to the truth of his allegations. A few students at the academy have  given us their opinion on his confession._

Kirk stared in disbelief as a familiar face flashed upon the screen and the name Shrilk appeared beneath it. “ _Yeah, he might have been telling the truth, I mean a few days ago he got this really weird look on his face when we started discussing Tarsus, like he was going to be sick or something, but then again it could all be a joke. With Kirk you never know._

_Other cadet’s outright disbelieve Kirk, cadet Trudeau offers his view on the situation._

_“that man is a fucking liar, I mean everything is a joke, everything isn’t serious and you know what that fuck  did to me, attacked me the other day for no reason, right out the blue punches me in the nose nearly breaks a rib.”_

The camera cut out and another cadet flashed into view.

_“Kirk is trying to ham it up for the camera’—typical him. Has to be the godamn centre of attention. He probably made up this story because boo-hoo my dad died the day I was born isn’t enough. And the sad thing is somebody’s going to believe him._

Meanwhile some cadet’s believe he is telling the truth. A female cadet  , who wishes to have her name withheld gives her opinion. _“I believe him. I mean if you know Kirk there’s something not right about him, like he’s acting like it’s all not important because it really is to him. He does weird stuff too, like at meals he’ll not eat for days, I’ve never really seen him sleep, and we used to go out. I mean sometimes he was creepy, I’d wake up and he’d just be sitting there watching me but if he fell asleep he’d start twitching and muttering real bad. And he has scars like all over his body, told me he was in some kind of accident as a child then wouldn’t say anything else. So yeah, if you know Kirk, something like Tarsus makes sense.”_

_While opinions remain split, the academy is being very tightlipped about the incident and refused to issue a statement. Also Dr. Leonard McCoy widely known throughout the academy as one of Kirk’s closest friends has refused to speak with reporters._

A picture flashed across the screen showing a group of people trying to ask McCoy questions and block his path as the doctor forced his way into Nimitz hall.

_While the truth of the confession has not been validated many people are still excited over the prospect of talking to one of the Tarsus nine , a group of individuals of which the identities have been a closely guarded secret by Starfleet. The hope is that if one of the identities is known, finally some of the mysterious surrounding Tarsus can be clarified and put to rest._

_So the question remains is this an elaborate joke on Cadet Kirk’s part or a real revelation that will finally offer the public the information they want._

_This is Natalie Setlar International News, locale San Francisco California, Western Hemisphere, Earth._

Kirk stared blankly at the screen unable to comprehend what he was seeing. He felt even worse if that was possible. The interviews of cadet’s ranging from incredulous disbelief, outright hatred, and pitying understanding were too much. The thought of all the people that would want to speak with him now that the truth was known made him feel sick. He stared at the shot glass in front of him , and with shaking hands gulped it down before gesturing for another .

He was trying to settle his breathing which felt like he had been running a marathon, when his heart nearly stopped.

“Hey, you look like the kid there talking about on the news.”

Kirk turned to find an older man watching him with a thoughtful expression on his face, a beer grasped in one hand and the smell of liquor wafting heavily off him.

Kirk forced himself to be calm. “A lot of people tell me I look like—like that guy, just my face I guess.” He twisted away, and was just in time to grab another drink as the bartender slowly filled a row of shot glasses. Kirk gulped one down followed quickly by a second he was about to swallow a third and instead choked sending a mouthful of liquor spattering across the counter , as the man  squinted at him and spoke again.

“No, you look too similar. You’re not like him, you are him.”

Kirk was about to deny it, but the man was already continuing. “Don’t even bother denying it, I knew your father. I know his son. You’re George’s boy, got almost the same goddamn face, same  expression.”The man took a sip of his drink and said. “ I was a lieutenant in Starfleet before they discharged me, for failure to adapt, name’s Daniels.”

The shot glass of liquor Kirk was holding remained frozen in his hand, paused halfway to his lips. His mouth was dry as Daniels continued. “I’d ask is what they’re saying true, but if it wasn’t would you be sitting here  trying to drink yourself into oblivion right now?”

There was silence in which Kirk remained frozen and the man took a sip from his bottle. “I know how hard it is to do something like that son—to tell people what happened. I was one of the _lucky_ , survivors on the Kelvin. Yeah, you survive, but thinking about all the people who didn’t that’s what gets to you.  I can’t imagine what Tarsus was like or what you had to do.”

“It-it. I d-didn’t do anything.” Kirk managed to say.

Daniels didn’t speak for a moment , he just stared at Kirk’s pale face. “You must have been really young. “ The man paused and seemed to be calculating the years in his head as he muttered to himself. “ The Kelvin was over 22 years ago so you’re 22 and some months, thirteen when it all happened. Damn , that’s tough.”

Kirk finally found the breath to speak, he needed somebody to believe him when he said it. Then maybe he could try to forget it himself and fall back into the lie that he had tried to keep up for most of his life since leaving Tarsus. He need to once again , even if he knew it to be false, have someone else believe it: “I wasn’t on Tarsus.”

The words sounded false, but Kirk repeated again with more conviction. “I wasn’t on Tarsus.”

‘Son, it’s okay for people to know , I—“

“I wasn’t , I’m not that  guy, it was just a joke.”

“Listen kid, your names James, right? I—“

Before the man could speak, Kirk had stood up nearly toppling his stool over. The situation, the use of his first name, the man’s familiarity were all too much. “I’m not that guy!” He hadn’t meant to yell the words but the whole bar fell silent , as he continued. Kirk didn’t notice, because Daniels  appeared about to speak again. Before he could talk  Kirk spoke, he wasn’t even fully aware of what he was saying, but he couldn’t see to stop, words tumbled over each other in a confused rush. “ I’m not that guy, I wasn’t on Tarsus. I didn’t kill anybody, I didn’t watch people be killed, tortured and r-raped. I didn’t  have to bury any bodies of people I knew . I wasn’t walking through pools of blood. I-I didn’t have to kill one of my best friends. I didn’t wake up with bodies lying on top of me. I-I- didn’t have people die in my arms. It didn’t happen!”

The entire bar was silent, it was too quiet,  every eye was on him. Kirk slowly stared around. There was silence for nearly a minute and then as the impact of what he had said hit him, somebody quietly said. “You’re him from the news, a um—jake, Jacob, anyway George Kirk’s kid , one of those Tarsus 9s.”

“Yeah, he’s that guy.”

Slowly others began echoing the same thing; Kirk stared around in horror, the full weight of what he had just confessed earlier and now was obvious to him. “It’s okay kid.” Kirk shuddered as he felt a hand on his shoulder he flinched,  instinctively he turned around simultaneously grabbing an arm and twisting it. He felt a sharp cry of pain and increased his grip until the hand fell away, he finally let go as he heard a crack. He turned to find  Daniels from the bar staring at him, with something close to horror and pity as he clutched an obviously broken arm to his chest.

Kirk stumbled back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry “ he repeated the words as he backed out the door away from the lingering eyes .“ I’m sorry” he repeated as he stepped out. The door to the building swung shut behind him blocking out the accusatory silence, Kirk took a deep breath and stared into the sky , trying not to think. A flood of memories was threatening to break forth and he was desperately trying to hold them back.  He crossed the parking lot switched on his borrowed/stolen motorcycle and took off into the night.

He just needed to get away and didn’t care where he was going


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The update as promised! Please note that Kirk may seem a little OOC in this chapter....and no it's not because any of the obvious reasons that may seem to be present in the chapter or previous chapters...look very closely...and of course the tags should give you an idea. This is not a Kirk goes crazy story...there is a lot more going on.

Uhura turned down another path, it was raining outside and water was trickling down her face and neck, more importantly her clothes were drenched. Mentally she cursed for the fifth time. Why was she out searching in the rain for Kirk?

Sure he had confessed to something nobody wanted to remember. Sure he had seemed genuine, at least from what she had heard.  McCoy had seemed extremely worried; reporters had interviewed cadets on campus. But doubt was slowly forming in her mind. This was Kirk who thought he could either fuck or fight everything in existence and for some reason she didn’t even know still hadn’t been kicked out the academy for his actions.

The rain increased, and except for the moon-light it was almost pitch-black this side of campus; Uhura was regretting separating from Gaila. She knew self-defence from the academy and had a small stun phaser father had given her when she had started the academy. But the presence of another person would have made her feel better, it may have been Starfleet academy. But that didn’t change the fact that

She walked down another path and promised herself that after another ten minutes of searching if she couldn’t find Kirk then she was going off to find McCoy and Gaila. She turned another corner and spotted somebody directly ahead of her, half-hidden in shrubbery.  The person, whoever it was, was dressed in dirty civilian, facing a building, swaying slightly as they pissed against the building.  It was most likely some drunk cadet. Uhura  was about to walk away in disgust when the person turned around still fastening his trousers, and his face came into view.

She had found Kirk. Though much worse off than when she had last seen him.

His face was exhausted and bruised. His eyes were blood shot and unfocused. And he was having difficulty walking in a straight line. As Uhura watched him he paused to grab a bottle off the ground and took a long swig before straightening up and continuing his staggering gait.

Uhura sighed, and the jogged to catch up with him. She reached out and tapped him on the shoulder. “Kirk?”

She was unprepared for his reaction. Almost immediately after she touched him he stiffened and then turned around to clamp her arm in a tight, painful grip.

His eyes locked with hers, but they didn’t seem to recognise her. Uhura had to bite her lip as he applied more pressure; Uhura had dropped her hand from his shoulder but he still didn’t release her. “Kirk, could you let my arm go?”

He didn’t move. If anything his grip tightened more. Momentarily she toyed with the idea of making him let go or trying to get out her mini stun phaser, but as she stared at the blank expression on his face she realised what a bad idea that would be. His eyes had a cold quality and she wondered what he was thinking about or...remembering. The doubts she had earlier about the truth of his confession suddenly seemed stupid.

He was now grasping her arm so tightly she felt tears springing to her eyes. “Please, J-Jim that hurts.” Maybe it was the pleading quality in her voice or the use of his name but he blinked and then released her arm. Uhura rubbed her aching arm and watched as he took a step backwards and seemed to come back to himself.

“Uhura?” Kirk finally said. He stared at her, watching as she rubbed her arm, before saying guiltily to her. “Shit, sorry you startled me.” He glanced away and then back at her like he was unsure what else to say. Instead of speaking again he took a large gulp from the bottle he was holding. “Did I hurt you?”

“It’s okay, I’m fine.” Uhura said even though her arm was throbbing and bruises were starting to form.

Kirk stood silently for a moment interspersing the time with mouthfuls of liquor and then abruptly muttered. “Well, I’ll see you around.”

“Where are you going?”

“Don’t know...somewhere.”

Before Uhura could speak Kirk turned and began walking off. His gait was even more unsteady and before he could take more than a step he tripped. Uhura caught him before he hit the ground.  She found herself pressed against his chest with most of his weight leaning against her as she supported him.

“I knew you liked me.” He slurred, as he stared down at her innocently making no attempt to straighten up, instead he took swallow from his bottle. Kirk continued. Didn’t think I’d end the night on top of a hot woman though, or that it’d be you.” He smirked at her.

Uhura frowned and stared uncertainly into his eyes. His pupils were blown wide and his face was flushed. Kirk was slightly creepy sometimes but she attributed that to him being an asshole, but tonight he was reaching a new level of creepy.

He swallowed another mouthful of liquor and belched causing Uhura to hold her breath at the onslaught of liquor fumes. Kirk’s face momentarily twisted into a slightly sick expression then he murmured.   
“I don’t feel good—let’s sit a moment.” Without waiting for an answer he dropped down into the grass tugging Uhura down with him. Before she could move away he slung an arm around her shoulders and slurred. “I like you.”

Uhura didn’t know how to answer but Kirk continued talking as he stared at her. “You’re funny, smart and pretty, but you won’t go out with me.”  He slashed a finger through midair to illustrate his point and leaned closer. “And that’s a problem.”

Kirk paused to draw another mouthful of liquor. Uhura tried to wriggle out from under his arm but he was holding her too tightly.  He placed the bottle down on the grass and she felt his hand playing with the tips of her hair. He was still staring at her idly; he raised a hand from her hair and gently ran a finger down the side of her face, causing her to shiver slightly. “So pretty.” He murmured. And before she could attempt to move away he kissed her cheek. “When stuff happens it’s always people like you who get it worse and...” He broke off the rest of the sentence and stared unblinkingly at her, before leaning closer so their faces were almost touching. Uhura thought at first Kirk was going to try to kiss her again, but he just continued staring in her eyes. “You have fucking beautiful eyes. Did you know that?” Uhura found his behaviour and words quite disturbing.

“And you’re acting really creepy, did you know that?” Uhura answered.

Kirk laughed.

“I bet I could change your mind ab—“ As  Kirk spoke he was leaning in closer and his mouth was nearing hers.

“Kirk! Stop!” Uhura said firmly, she used his momentary shock to slip out from under his arm. ‘You’re very drunk right now and I’m going to find McCoy so he can do something about you, before you try something you’re going to regret.”

Kirk didn’t speak for a few seconds, but he looked hurt. Then he said “I wasn’t going to do anything. I was just going to say I bet I can change your mind about me I’m not as bad as you think. “

“Well you can keep your hands to yourself while you do so.”  She glared at him as she moved farther away from him and pushed herself to her feet.

Kirk stared at her, and then said. “I wasn’t going—I know you don’t like me like that. And I would never-n-never make you or anybody...” He didn’t finish the sentence and had a sick look on his face as he took a large gulp of liquor.

Uhura felt guilty and under the film of cold rain covering her she felt her face grow hot. She glanced at the ground avoiding Kirk’s gaze.  She turned to leave and stiffened slightly as a surprisingly gentle grip caught her fingers.  Uhura turned to find Kirk watching her earnestly. “Please-please don’t go.”

“I’m going to find McCoy. “

“Just stay a little bit...I don’t like being alone.” His voice sounded pleading and his face seemed younger than his years, even his voice did.

Uhura hesitated, then sighed had sat back down on the damp grass next to Kirk.  The rain was slowing slightly but at that point she didn’t care, she was already soaked. Kirk appeared not to care, even though he was even more drenched then her, rivulets of water was running continuously down his face and he had to keep shaking his wet hair out his face. She noticed how he carefully scooted an inch or so away so there was a small gap between them. 

There was silence in which Kirk drank more and Uhura watched him out the corner of her eyes. When he spoke his voice was dull and exhausted. “I know you don’t really like me at all Uhura. Nobody really does.  You think I’m rude, I’m cocky and arrogant, I fight all the time and I’m pretty messed up.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I know it’s what you were thinking.”

“And you know what I’m thinking?”

“Yeah...”

“Well your psychic powers are off.” Uhura couldn’t help saying.

Kirk turned to stare at her and said. “And when did what you were thinking about me change?”

Uhura didn’t speak and shifted uncomfortably under Kirk’s scrutiny. Before she could formulate a response Kirk answered his own question. “It was today wasn’t it? After you found I’m a fucking charity case with a fucking sob story that’s splashed across the news.”

Uhura stared to shake her head, but Kirk was already speaking again, his voice tinged with anger. “That’s okay, everybody probably thinks about me like that now...I should have never said anything.” Kirk fell silent again and drank several mouthfuls of liquor before shifting restlessly and abruptly slurring. “You know what I did once as a kid? My first real act of rebellion...I drove my dad’s—my real dad’s car off a cliff...nearly died that day...Sometimes I wonder whether things would have been better if I had.” 

Several unnecessarily large swigs of liquor filled the silence as Uhura digested what Kirk had said. She winced at the sour boozy smell wafting off him and held out her hand, indicating the bottle. “Give me that.”

He stared at her uncomprehendingly for a few seconds then glanced at the bottle he was holding. “You want some?” He held it out to her. “I really don’t think it’s your taste though, but here.”

Uhura ignored his offer. “I want you to stop trying to drink yourself unconscious.”

Kirk simply stared at her considering what she had for a moment then slightly belligerently muttered. “No.” Stubbornly he stared at Uhura and raised the bottle to his lips draining the entire thing, in several long swallows as he held her gaze.

“You’re not my mother, Uhura. I don’t have—“ He paused midway and belched before continuing. “I don’t have to listen—“ He stopped again , standing stock still before he  opened his mouth like he was about to speak. A moment later he bent over and threw up.

After a minute he sat back panting. “Shit I don’t feel good.” He mumbled as he closed his eyes. Uhura bit her tongue to avoid saying “I could have told you that.” And instead watched him for a few minutes, but he didn’t move. His breathing had slowed and was shallow like he had fallen asleep.  Uhura hesitated, then carefully, remembering his earlier reaction, gently touched his arm.

He flinched and his eyes snapped open as he turned to stare at her.  “Come on you can’t sit out here all night, it’s raining and you’re soaked.”

“I don’t care.”

“Well, I do and besides McCoy’s still out looking for you.”

“Let him.” Kirk muttered before laying his head back and starting to close his eyes. Uhura was surprised by the comment; she didn’t get the chance to ask because Kirk muttered. “I fucking hate him.”

“Why?” Uhura couldn’t believe what Kirk had said and wondered whether it was due to his inebriated state. Kirk was usually the first person to defend McCoy about anything.

“Because he can’t leave anybody the fuck alone!” Kirk opened his eyes and glared at Uhura, causing her to move away slightly, even though apparently his anger wasn’t directed at her. “He agreed with them when those assholes wanted to send me to a psychiatrist.”

Uhura frowned, she had heard the rumours but she didn’t know that was true. Kirk laughed mirthlessly at the expression on her face and said bitterly. “Oh, you didn’t hear about that? Well, let me tell you. That fucking man picked apart everything he could of my mind, made me watch footage of the Kelvin.” Kirk slashed a hand through the air and drunkenly continued shouting. “And McCoy agreed to send me to that guy. And you know what else? My supposed friend won’t leave me alone. He kept asking me what was wrong, wouldn’t fucking stop. Him and everybody else. So finally I get really, really drunk and I wrote that paper. I read it in class, not because I wanted pity or to be looked at like I have god-damn horns, but so maybe, just maybe people would understand me.”

Kirk paused for breath and then continued in a quieter voice. “And now everybody thinks they do, but they don’t. Because, I’m still the same person, but now everybody’s acting differently.”

Uhura didn’t know what to say. Kirk’s words were true, all over campus that day people that normally staunchly hated Kirk’s guts were claiming to never have disliked him and the opposite was true for others that had once claimed to be his friends. Kirks revelation had changed things a lot.

However that still didn’t change the fact that it was raining and Uhura was freezing. Plus, she was willing to bet that Gaila and McCoy were still searching for Kirk and it was past time she checked in with them like they had agreed. “Kirk—Jim I understand you don’t like McCoy right now, but he really is concerned about you and I’m not sitting outside in the rain  all night, so come on or stay here alone.”

Kirk appeared inclined to argue, but Uhura was already standing and rather than resist he unsteadily got to his feet. Uhura grabbed his arm as he staggered and nearly toppled into a clump of bushes. “Thanks.” He mumbled, slurring the word so it was mostly indecipherable.

“Anytime,” Uhura muttered. She released his arm only to grab him seconds later as he nearly fell to the sidewalk. With a sigh she slipped under his shoulder, dragging one of his arms over her shoulder. His hand wound up in the centre of her chest, at any other time, Kirk would have at least made a comment about the positioning, but this time he was silent. The lack of a flirtatious remark was enough for Uhura to understand how bad off Kirk was.

As he leaned heavily against her, and unintentionally staggered into her for the fifth time nearly sending them both to the pavement, Uhura simultaneously silently cursed herself for agreeing to search for Kirk and felt grateful that at least she had found him before somebody else did.

Kirk was heavy, even though she could feel that he was probably a few pounds lighter than he had been a few weeks earlier, but still his heavy frame was dragging her down. She was about to suggest they stop for a break when Kirk spared her the effort. With a mumbled, “wait” and a low groan he pulled away from her and made it a few steps before he bent over with his hands on his knees heaving. She tried not to listen to the wet splashes as his stomach contents hit the concrete or the muffled groans in between heaves.

He finally stopped, and with difficulty straightened up. He dragged a sleeve across his mouth, and simply stared for a moment before seeming to steel himself saying. “Okay, let’s go.”

Uhura caught him as he tried to walk by himself and nearly fell. “As she partly dragged him upright she muttered halfway under her breath. “Why did you do this?”

Kirk apparently heard. They had taken a few steps before he abruptly muttered “I was trying to forget.”

“You drank so much you can’t walk without falling over or stopping to be sick every few feet! So I hope you got what you wanted!”

There was silence, and then Kirk whispered. “I didn’t.” He turned and stared down at her, his bloodshot eyes were startlingly focused... on her. “I couldn’t, usually if I try I can. This time...I couldn’t, I drank bottle after bottle, did some other stuff to, I got so high, I couldn’t remember anything else, but I couldn’t forget what I wanted to.’

Uhura swallowed, she felt sick. She tried to convince herself that it was the sour smell of Kirk’s breath laced with vomit and stale liquor, but she knew it was really what he had said.

“You know what that’s like, not to be able to forget?”

Uhura didn’t answer at first. There were things she couldn’t forget, but even as awful as it was none of it compared to Kirk.  She started to answer but Kirk had already turned away. He was staring upwards; she looked in the same direction, but saw nothing to hold his interest.

Tears were springing to Uhura’s eyes, furiously she swiped them back. Kirk was two ways when he was drunk. Sometimes very quiet, so much that he barely spoke, or if he did it usually to McCoy who would frequently lead him away from group. She had often wondered what Kirk had told the doctor that had made him think it was better for him to not be around others.

The other times Kirk was drunk, he was aggressively bold, loud flamboyant, begging to be seen. But this pitiful state of morbidness was never one she had encountered.

A part of her needed to know what he was hiding, what he had been hiding all the time she had known him. Unbidden, words sprang to her mind. “All that you wrote was the truth? It was that bad?” Immediately after she asked she mentally cringed as Kirk turned to look at her, a look crossed his face, like he wanted to destroy something or maybe...destroy himself.

‘It was worse.” His voice was tight and utterly bleak when he spoke next. “There’s four thousand people who are dead because of me.”

 

Uhura didn’t speak and Kirk held her gaze for a few seconds then turned away and simply stared at the ground. There was silence; they were nearly at Nimitz Hall. In the courtyard, Kirk became sick again. Uhura waited as he finished and collapsed against a fountain.  As he caught his breath, Uhura sat next to him, finally he asked. ‘What were you doing when you were twelve...thirteen?”

Uhura was startled by the question, but Kirk seemed to genuinely want the answer. Glimpses of time with her family, friends, school flashed across her mind. She recounted what she could remember to Kirk. He nodded, and then he said. “And on your fourteenth birthday?”

Uhura sensed the questions were leading to something, but she answered him. Kirk stared at her, his eyes locked on hers, and then he turned to stare at the ground. His fingers plucked at the grass, rain dripped from his hair to soak his already sodden clothes. 

“When I was twelve, my life was great and I fucked it up...I was so scared, so dumb that I didn’t tell anyone until it was too late, and I didn’t make them believe me enough when I did....When I was thirteen, I shot one of my friends so Kodos wouldn’t catch him, he was trapped and he was dying anyway, but I killed him to save him. When I was thirteen, I watched as hundreds of people were killed and I didn’t move a muscle or try to save them because I was too much of a coward. I killed a baby, because I was scared. I killed, I stole, I robbed, I lied, I did anything to live another day, so others would live another day.” Kirk slowly recounted other times, when he finished he whispered. “That’s what I did when I was thirteen.”

Uhura had tears running down her cheeks and she couldn’t stop them. But Kirk wasn’t finished. He still hadn’t looked at her, but he turned to stare at her again and said quietly “and on my fourteenth birthday, I didn’t get any presents.  A guard came into my cell, he told me. “Either I could tell him what he wanted, or ... Anyway, I didn’t tell him anything, he did what he had planned to do all along... afterwards, as—as—“ Kirk cleared his throat and continued in a voice clouded with shame. “As he left, you know what the sick fuck said? He said happy Birthday, James...I hadn’t even realised until then what day it was.”

Uhura had stuffed a fist in her mouth, but even that couldn’t muffle her cry of horror as she realised what had happened.There was silence for a few minutes. Uhura shivered as she imagined the things Kirk had said. He noticed and said “Come on, you’re cold. I’d offer you my jacket but it’s soaked through.”He got to his feet and with Uhura’s assistance they walked the rest of the way to Nimitz hall.

Uhura typed the lock code in and was inwardly grateful that it was late enough that even the most night-owls of cadets had decided to turn in. She and Kirk made into their way into Nimitz hall’s Rec room unnoticed. Uhura was surprised to find Gaila sprawled across one of the room’s couches fast asleep and talking indistinctly. She went to wake up her friend as Kirk collapsed tiredly in an arm chair.

She shook Gaila’s shoulder and moved out the way as the Orion girl swung an arm out and then grabbed her pillow tightly and clutched it to her chest before mumbling. Uhura suppressed a flash of irritation at Gaila for falling asleep while she was supposed to be searching for Kirk and shook Gaila’s shoulder, harder this time.  Gaila merely turned over and moaned slightly before saying, “Oh Jim, I—“ Uhura blushed and glanced at Kirk, who apparently hadn't heard anything or was too drunk to comment. He was slumped in his chair staring dully at the ground. 

“Gai.” Uhura muttered in a loud whisper. Gaila didn’t wake up and continued talking though thankfully it was low enough now that she didn’t hear the exact words. The sounds her friend continued to make were enough though. Uhura snatched Gaila’s pillow away and whispered fiercely. “Wake up Gai!” when that failed to have a response she simply rolled Gaila off the couch and onto the floor.  Gaila awoke and sat up, rubbing the back of her head. She stared around before noticing Uhura.

“Did you just knock me on the floor?”

“Yes, I did because first off you aren’t supposed to be sleeping anyway and second you were embarrassing yourself.”

Gaila narrowed her eyes and was about to argue when she noticed Kirk. “You found him!”

“Yeah, no thanks to you.” She muttered irritably as she wrung water out her hair.

Gaila momentarily glanced away from Kirk and said. “ I was searching but then I asked could I go with McCoy  because I didn’t feel safe walking around late at night by myself . And you know what he said Uhura? He said I should stay here in case you turned up and he wouldn’t want anything to happen to me”

Uhura frowned as Gaila flipped her hair back and repeated dreamily. “He wouldn’t want anything to happen to me, isn’t that sweet. I think he really likes me.”

Uhura resisted the urge to point out that McCoy’s statement had probably been an attempt to save him from having to listen as Gaila flirted with him continuously and get entirely to close for his comfort. Instead she was about to ask when McCoy was coming back when the doctor appeared. He was dripping wet and looked entirely disgruntled. He brightened slightly as he saw Uhura and asked. “So no luck?”

Kirk answered, causing McCoy to jump. “No, Uhura found me. Though, I don’t see why you give a damn.”

McCoy turned around and stared at Kirk who was glaring at him. “W-what?” McCoy hesitated then added uncertainly “Are you okay?”

“That was a stupid fucking question, do I look like I’m okay asshole.”

McCoy glanced back at Uhura and she could see he was shocked at Kirk’s response, but he turned back to Kirk and asked uncertainly. “Why are you mad at me?”

Kirk had closed his eyes but he reopened them and said. “I feel like shit, everybody knows what a fucking mess I am and you‘re happy about it because you get to have your little fucking psychobabble session now.” Kirk adopted a formal voice that was almost pure sarcasm. “ So what do you want to know now Doctor? Want to talk about whether I have PTSD or how my early life affected my later development, because I’ve heard every goddamn piece of shit you doctors like to say.”

McCoy swallowed sharply, and didn’t speak. He seemed unsure what to say. Kirk narrowed his eyes at the doctor’s silence and snarled. “Fuck you!” Before leaning forward in his chair and staring belligerently at McCoy.

“Jim I—“

‘Don’t call me that, you fucking drunkard loser.”

“Fine,” McCoy paused and Uhura could see that even though he was trying to be civil Kirk’s repeated insults were taking its toll.

“I don’t think you—“

“Stop, talking about me! You want to talk about something let’s talk about you. Okay, how about I start with your messed up life, your wife who you divorced and maybe the little girl you never see, then we can move on to –“

“Jim you—“ McCoy was talking loudly drowning out Kirk, but Uhura could see the doctor was clearly angry now. Gaila and Uhura were silently watching both men. McCoy seemed to be trying maintain his composure with difficulty and Kirk was trying to bait the doctor further.

“I said don’t fucking say my name.”

“Fine, then _James_ , How—“ the use of his first name brought an instantaneous reaction. Before McCoy could say another word Kirk had launched himself at McCoy.

Uhura gasped as Kirk proceeded to try to choke McCoy while yelling. “Don’t you ever call me James. Don’t you ever say that fucking name EVER! Don’t act like you know who I am.”

McCoy broke Kirk’s grip  and shoved him away, but rather than being chastened Kirk straightened up with something close to murder in his eyes. He pushed McCoy hard enough to slam him into a wall if the doctor hadn’t caught himself at the last moment.  As Kirk advanced on McCoy obviously intending on seriously incapacitating the doctor, Uhura hesitated and then stepped in front of Kirk.

Kirk froze as Uhura stepped in his path; he stared at her and then muttered in a dangerous voice. “Move Uhura now.”

Uhura shivered at the cold tone in his voice, but held her ground as she stared into his eyes and said soothingly. “Jim, just relax, okay. It’s—“

“I said move!” Kirk said.

Uhura faltered, she noticed Kirk’s eyes were dilated and he was staring at her like she was a stranger. She took a step backwards unconsciously as she saw something flash in his eyes. Before she could move again, Kirk unceremoniously slumped forward and somebody caught him before he hit the ground.

McCoy supported Kirk’s unconscious form with one hand and with the other stashed his hypo back in a pocket. He ignored Uhura’s offer to help as he half-dragged half-carried Kirk to an empty couch and deposited him.

Uhura and Gaila gathered around and watched as McCoy checked his pupils and ran a quick scan.  Then he gave Kirk another hypo and straightened up.

McCoy didn’t speak as he stowed equipment back into his medical bag. Finally Gaila asked. “What was wrong with him?”

McCoy didn’t answer and continued organising his bag. He didn’t speak until he had repacked his scattered equipment and when he finally did speak it was to ask a question. “What was he doing when you found him?”

Uhura figured McCoy didn’t want the full details and gave him a brief description.

“Do you know what he was drinking?”

Uhura tried to remember and was forced to shake her head.

McCoy seemed to hesitate then asked. “Did he mention taking anything else?”

“He said he got high, but he didn’t say with what.”

McCoy nodded, then glanced at Kirk and said under his breath. “I bet I already know, probably the same stuff as last time.”

Uhura was startled at the words. “He’s done this before?” She asked.

McCoy glanced around startled that Uhura had heard him. She tapped an ear and said “aural sensitivity outside of the norm for a human.”

McCoy scowled but answered. “Okay, I’ll tell you but this doesn’t leave this room. Yeah, he’s done this before; the only other time was a few months ago. I came in from class and he was acting all weird and then he just got angry pretty much suddenly like he just did. Caught me by surprise and broke my nose and one of my ribs before I hypoed him.”

“Ow,” Gaila said.

“Yeah, well I shouldn’t have gotten mad. He had very little idea what was saying.”

Before McCoy could speak again. Kirk gave a low groan and shifted on the couch; they all watched as he groaned again and opened his eyes. His eyes skated over Uhura, Gaila before landing on McCoy. Kirk struggled to sit up. He was only partially successful and managed to raise his head and shoulders. “Bones, what did you give me?”

McCoy didn’t answer. Instead he asked “What did you take.”

“Nothing—I didn’t take anything.” Kirk mumbled, his face was starting to break out in sweat. “...I feel sick.”

“What did you take?” McCoy asked again, still staring down at Kirk.

“Nothing—“ Kirk broke off and his body spasmed slightly. He said again. “I’m serious Bones. Please, I didn’t –“ His sentence was lost as he retched into a rubbish bin McCoy had quickly appropriated.  He finished after a few seconds and gasped. “What did you fucking give me, I hurt all over and my stomach ...” Kirk trailed off and wrapped an arm around his abdomen.

“I gave you a sedative and general reversal medication.” McCoy paused as Kirk moaned and started shivering, he continued “so unless you tell me exactly what you took you’re going to continue feeling like this because I don’t know what the hell I need to reverse.”

Finally Kirk let off a litany of profanity directed at McCoy and the doctor waited patiently as finished. Then Kirk slowly mumbled the answer to McCoy’s question. Uhura was surprised to hear not only one drug but apparently a cocktail that he had mixed together.

“Damn it Jim, did you just decide to empty the fucking medicine cabinet? That combination is enough to kill you!  What the hell were you trying to do?”

Kirk glared at McCoy then closed his eyes and muttered “what do you think?”

McCoy didn’t speak; abruptly he reached into his medical bag and slotted a cartridge into a hypo. Kirk opened his eyes just as McCoy hypoed him.

“What was that?”

“Something to help you sleep, until this stuff wears off.”

Kirk eyes widened slightly and he looked panicked. “I don’t want to sleep.”

“Jim, just relax, don’t fight it.”McCoy muttered soothingly.

“Please,” He begged, “I don’t want to sleep.”

 “Try to relax Jim and don’t fight it.”

“I don’t want to sleep.” Uhura watched as Kirk struggled, to sit up, with increasingly worse results.  His eyes were starting to close and if anything they looked panicked. “Don’t wan’....” Kirk trailed off as the medicine took hold. McCoy sighed and straightened up. He grabbed a blanket off a nearby chair and covered Kirk and then turned back to Uhura and Gaila.

They stared at each other, then McCoy said. “I’m sorry about that; I should have expected that after a day like today he might do something like this.”

Uhura didn’t know what to say and even Gaila appeared shocked.  McCoy cleared his throat uncomfortably, “It’s late, I’d walk you back to your dorm room, but I really should keep an eye on him.”

Uhura glanced at the time and frowned. “Great, it’s almost 0400; I have a phonology exam in a few hours.” She glanced out the window to where the rain was still pouring down and shivered at the thought of walking back out. “You know what, I’m just going to stay here tonight, It’s soaking out there and by the time I get back to my room, and settle in half-an hour will have passed. “ She paused and added as an afterthought as she watched Kirk who was asleep, but still shifting restlessly, “Plus, you might need some help with him if he wakes up and that stuff is still in his system.”

McCoy appeared about to say something but instead nodded.  Gaila promptly sprawled across one of the couches in the room and covered herself with a blanket before going to sleep. Uhura took a quick shower in the Rec room’s bathroom and grabbed a change of clothes from a cabinet before she too went to sleep. Her last sight was of McCoy sitting across from Kirk in an armchair watching him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second and last update chapter until monday! This one is where stuff starts making more sense. I really feel sorry for Kirk. This thing is so big.

_It was dark, he barely dared to breath. His knees were burning from the hours long contact with the floor and yet he didn’t dare move. One of the other kids whimpered, he shushed them in the dark. More time passed; finally he heard voices moving farther away. He waited longer and then there was silence. Slowly he stood. His legs shook with the effort. He heard others moving around. A voice asked “Are they gone?”_

_....James opened his eyes, staring at the Vulcan in front of him. Kodos was talking to the man. “How is the progress?”...._

_“We’ve found that children and adults that are still relatively young are most susceptible . Their cerebral cortex’s are still mature and..._

_He nodded. The smell of cooking was still in the air, it smelled like burned meat, but as hungry as he was the odour was enticing. He moved out of the cave stopping at the edge of a smoky fire  with the picked over remnants of some animal was lying half in the coals. It looked strangely familiar. Kirk walked closer, and was leaning down to pull a shred of blackened flesh from a bone, when his hand fell away. He jerked back like he was stung; He heard other gasps of horror. He realised why the skeleton looked familiar, it was humanoid. And lying near the fire was the shreds of clothing that one of the missing children had been wearing..._

_...The disruptor felt right in his hand. He allowed himself the luxury of smiling as he aimed at the life sized simulation and loosed three quick blast. Red blossomed over the yellow Starfleet Tunic in a perfect kill pattern. Two shots to the chest and one dead center in the forehead..._

_“James, I know you know made a copy, a child as smart as yourself had to have some proof. But I’m a generous man; this need go on no longer.” Kirk raised his head struggling to hold it up, blood was trickling down his back. He stared blankly into the man’s face lingering over him. “James this can all end if you just tell me.”_

_The man waited... Kirk didn’t even bother to speak. He bit his lip to keep from talking. Minutes passed. “Very well, continue then.”  A door opened and shut. The sound was followed by a hiss, and Kirk screamed as he felt his skin sliced open. He screamed as hot rivulets of blood dripped down his back. He thrashed against the restraints holding him and yelled. Hands were holding him down, he struggled  and yelled louder, begging –crying out, half-indecipherable words.  Curses, and cries for help were intermixed. Nothing stopped the pain; he was drowning in pain, blood and his own screams._

_...when the time is right you shall claim what is yours..._

His eyes snapped open. Something was strangling him; he tried to drag it off and only succeeded in entangling himself further. He screamed louder, his limbs felt like they were on fire, his surroundings were unfamiliar. Somebody touched him and said something; he sensed a hand nearing his neck and twisted his head to see a hypo.

“No!” He gasped the word, struggling to free himself from the restraints before the person injected him with whatever it was. Kodos’ guards in between interrogation sessions often injected him with drugs, sometimes hallucinogens causing him to have no idea what was reality. Sometimes they gave him massive amounts of other drugs, narcotics, stimulants, depressants and then let him go through withdrawal. He never said a word of what they wanted to know, but the helplessness of not having almost any control over his own actions or body, hurt worse than any pain.

“Stop!” Kirk managed to free his arms and grabbed the hand nearing him. He crushed the fingers in his grip, causing a sharp hiss of pain and the hypo to skitter to the floor. He glimpsed a face of an older man, it was vaguely familiar but he couldn’t remember from where...And he didn’t want to remember Kodos guards anyway...he just wanted to kill them.

“Jim stop.” He ignored the man’s words.  He threw off what was entangling him and surged upwards. His legs were somewhat unsteady but that didn’t stop him from moving away from the man. He desperately glanced around and noticed a bag filled with medical supplies lying on the floor.  Half the contents were scattered on the ground. Kirk quickly snatched up a laser scalpel from the floor momentarily taking his eyes off the man coming near him. He tried to ignore the man. _Why was he calling him Jim?_ Kirk shook his head trying to clear it. He closed his eyes as the action brought a wave of dizziness. He wanted to cry...He was just a kid...all he wanted to do was be at home...not locked away being tortured for information he would gladly have given up if it didn’t mean the death of the only people he had left.

Kirk snapped his eyes open as a sound registered. He saw the man had somehow grabbed another hypo he was coming towards him. Kirk backed away and whimpered slightly.  He saw other people coming towards him, a dark-skinned girl and an Orion. Kirk stared confusedly at them.... _How could they be here?...Had they been caught too...But they were older than they had been...They shouldn’t have been there at all_.

The man came closer and the two females were moving towards him also. Kirk turned towards the Orion girl, “How did—“ he broke off as the other man used the opportunity to try to hypo him. Kirk twisted toward the man, attempting to stab him with the laser scalpel. The man drew back as the instrument sliced his shoulder, bringing a bright streak of blood. Then they converged on him.

Voices were yelling, hands were trying to restrain him. Finally he felt something pressed against his neck. The laser scalpel fell from his hands and he slumped forward, barely able to stand up. He felt like he couldn’t move and would have crashed to the floor if hands hadn’t caught him at the last moment.

 He tried to move and his legs and arms wouldn’t obey him. He tried to speak, but his mouth wouldn’t move. It took all his energy to breath. He stared upwards aware he was lying on the floor, but somebody was partly holding him. The man’s face loomed over him, and Kirk panicked as he struggled to get away from the man who he now realised was the person holding him and had apparently drugged him again.

/O\

McCoy had been dozing in an armchair, after watching Kirk for a half an hour he had finally succumbed to sleep. He was partly angry at Kirk, not for the insults he had hurled at him. Those McCoy had expected, it was Kirk way to strike back in the worse way he could when he was threatened. What had made McCoy really mad was that Kirk had once again done what he had promised to never do again. After McCoy had caught him, the first time he was high, when Kirk had finally sobered up, McCoy had told him that if he ever caught him doing such a thing again he was going to report him. And Kirk had promised, not to.  But McCoy knew why Kirk had broken his promise.

It was the same reason t had been the first time McCoy had caught him high, only McCoy hadn’t realised it then. Months earlier, Kirk had disappeared after a class on recent federation colonies. The failures and the successes had been mentioned and one of the main failures that had been mentioned in detail was Tarsus IV.  When McCoy had found him later that mind he had been out of his mind, with what he had taken and alternating between rage and periods of (then) confusing moroseness.

Now he had been awakened by the sound of a tortured scream.  He had turned to find Kirk struggling to fling off the blanket that had been wrapped around him. McCoy had came closer to calm him, but no matter what he said Kirk continued screaming and staring around wildly. Attempting to hypo Kirk only caused him to panic more. McCoy was unprepared when Kirk grabbed the laser scalpel and tried to attack him. He was aware of Uhura and Gaila trying to intervene, and even though he didn’t want to he selected a hypo and pressured it into Kirk before his friend managed to inflict any damage on anybody else.

He tried to avoid Kirk’s eyes as he watched him react to the paralytic. He saw him still staring around wildly and still panicking even though his eyes were the only thing that could move at the moment. “Jim, I’m doing this for your own good. I’m McCoy, Bones.” McCoy paused and swallowed, his voice sank lower and quieter. “You’re safe. We’re on Earth, this isn’t Tarsus kid... this isn’t Tarsus.”

McCoy continued talking to Kirk and slowly watched as Kirk came back from whatever memory he had been reliving.  He breathing slowed though he still couldn’t move because of the drug he had been given. McCoy felt awful about having to drug Kirk once again, but it was the only thing he felt comfortable doing. He had already given him a large dose of a sedative and a universal reversal agent earlier and with the cocktail of stuff he had taken that was dangerous enough. Plus, he had needed something that would take his friend down and fast, because things had been about to get nasty.

 McCoy had seen Kirk in their self-defence classes, he was lightning-fast and violently lethal, and in his current inebriated state he had no idea what he was doing or who he was targeting. It wasn’t himself, so much as Gaila and Uhura that McCoy was worried about, he imagined Kirk being lead away in restraints and either one of the girls lying on the floor with their throat slit or worse.

Kirk shifted slightly in McCoy’s arms and made a muffed whimpering sound, as the drug began to wear off.  “It’s okay Jim, it’s okay.” McCoy didn’t release his grip on Kirk even though he was aware of Gaila and Uhura crouched nearby and his leg was falling asleep from being pinned under Kirk’s weight.

It took a few more minutes but finally the drugs wore off enough that Kirk could sit up on his own and move. McCoy noticed he didn’t meet his eyes, when the doctor helped him of the ground and onto a couch.

McCoy turned to Uhura and Gaila who were still hovering uncertainly nearby watching Kirk with an air of pity and fear. He put on his professional demeanour. “Thank you ladies for all your help tonight.”

Uhura met the doctor’s eyes uncertainly, Gaila opened her mouth to speak, but McCoy neatly cut her off. “It’s probably time for both of you to get going, don’t you have a class that begins in a few minutes Uhura?” Uhura glanced at the clock and said something that the doctor was willing to bet was a curse if he just knew what language she was using.  Uhura looked back at Kirk and hesitated. McCoy’s gruff expression mellowed as he followed her line of sight to see Kirk sitting slumped over with his head in his hands. McCoy turned back and added softly. “Go on it’s fine Uhura I can handle this. “

Uhura sighed, and finally said. ‘Okay, but if you need some help or whatever comm. me”

McCoy nodded though privately he had no intention of contacting either woman if Kirk went berserk again. Gaila started to follow after Uhura and then stopped and said in an uncharacteristically shy and non-flirtatious way, “Doctor, I—I –when Jim’s feeling better, tell him I don’t care what happened to him—I still like him –.” Gaila broke off and McCoy could have sworn the Orion girl blushed. “I didn’t mean it exactly like that—what I meant was—“ McCoy glanced at Gaila as she stumbled over her words and then again at Kirk who hadn’t moved from his former position. As he turned back to the still stammering Orion girl, he realised that maybe Gaila’s infatuation with Kirk was maybe something a little more.

“I’ll tell him.” McCoy said.

Gaila, had flushed a dark emerald, and appeared embarrassed. She flashed McCoy an uncertain smile. “Thanks doc.” Then she briefly threw her arms around his neck  and kissed him on the cheek before she took off after Uhura. 

McCoy watched her go momentarily then shook his head and returned to Kirk. His friend didn’t move as he sat next to him. “Jim?”  He had to repeat his name before Kirk turned towards him. “You feel okay?”

“Not really,” Kirk straightened up and stared at McCoy with a guilty look. His expression turned even guiltier as he noticed McCoy’s shoulder. “You’re bleeding.”

A steady stream of blood was oozing from the cut Kirk had inflicted on McCoy. The doctor fumbled for a bandage and applied pressure to the wound. “Jim—“

“Bones, I’m sorry. “ Kirk stared at the ground as he talked. “I shouldn’t have said that stuff about you earlier or attacked you.”

“It’s okay Jim.”

“No, it’s not.” Kirk dragged a tired hand across his face, and then asked. “Uhura and Gaila were here, I didn’t hurt them did I?”

“No, there fine.”

There was silence, and then Kirk said abruptly. “It just all seemed so real. I mean I think some part of me knew what was going on but ...” Kirk clenched his fists and then opened them. “I hate that place.” He turned towards McCoy. “I died there, I mean I’m still alive, but not really, not like I was before...and now...I feel like I’m going crazy.”

McCoy didn’t  know what to say.

“There’s things can’t stop feeling, seeing...remembering. I just can’t seem to get away from it all.”

McCoy swallowed heavily and then quietly started. “Jim, you—“

 Kirk abruptly turned to McCoy and said forcefully enough for the doctor to know he was serious. “And no I don’t want to talk about it.” Before McCoy could speak, Kirk stood up and after taking a moment to steady himself glanced back at McCoy who was still seated on the couch. “Classes will be starting soon, you coming?”

Kirk’s face was unreadable. His eyes gave no indication of the turmoil that McCoy knew he must be feeling inside. But that was Kirk, he held everything in until he couldn’t anymore and McCoy was sure that with everything that was going to happen now that people knew who Kirk was, he wasn’t going to be able to hold it in for long. Wordlessly, McCoy got up and followed Kirk. It was going to be a long day.

/O\

Breakfast was a short affair, partly because Kirk hadn’t even attempted to eat anything and instead had stared at the plate of food McCoy had ordered him and looked sick. The other reason was , every other student in the mess hall had taken to either staring at Kirk out the corner of their eyes or discussing him in low voices that weren’t that low. In consideration of Kirk’s already precarious stability McCoy had opted to leave  the mess hall early.

The first class they went to was likewise, a disaster. Professor Li, in Navigation had announced what she obviously thought was a vague statement, but to McCoy and probably most of the rest of the class was pointedly directed at Kirk. McCoy had ground his teeth as she said. “Due to certain circumstances that were revealed yesterday it’s understandable if certain individuals wish to be excused from class today. Academy counsellors are available for anyone who wishes to speak with them”

Kirk had ignored the statement and the stares from other cadets that had followed. He had managed to get through the entire class, only having to stop once for a break as the side-effects of his hang-over manifested themselves again.  More classes came and went and whispers followed. McCoy was only grateful that no one from the media had found their way onto campus and tried to accost either of them like they had yesterday.  As the day went on the gossip grew worse. Several cadets even came up to Kirk and asked him questions about family and friends who had been on Tarsus. McCoy deflected the questions but he could see it was taking a toll and only a matter of time before Kirk blew up again.

Lunch came and McCoy found a secluded spot and after threatening Kirk with having him hospitalised for malnutrition got him to try eating.  It was slow and every few bites were interspersed with gagging, but McCoy was firm. A quarter of the way through his plate Kirk stopped and laid his fork down. “That’s it I’m not eating anymore, I’m about to puke as it is.”

McCoy frowned but didn’t say anything. Instead he pulled another dose of an anti-emetic and injected Kirk again. His friend started at the contact but relaxed as he saw it was McCoy who had touched him. Kirk laid his head down on his arms and McCoy thought he had fallen asleep when he mumbled. “What do you think is going to happen Bones?”

McCoy toyed with his soup for a moment then sat the spoon down and asked. “You mean now that everybody knows?”

“Yeah” Kirk turned to look at McCoy while still keeping his head down. “I mean I know everybody is going to look at me like I’m a freak but what do you think the academy and Starfleet will do.”

“Why would they do anything?”

“Because I told....”         

“You told about what happened over there. You didn’t tell anything you shouldn’t have.”

Kirk straightened up. His eyes were haunted. “I think I did.”

“What do you mean?”

“When Starfleet rescued us –after I was well enough—they made me sign a non-disclosure form.”

McCoy laid his own food down, his sandwich suddenly sticking in his throat....stuff wasn’t making sense. _Starfleet asking a fourteen year old massacre survivor to agree not to tell anyone what happened was a breach of so many protocols....and why were they trying to keep it a secret anyway and why just Kirk._ “Jim did they ask _only you_ or everyone?”

Kirk shrugged.

McCoy was about to ask further but a voice stopped him. “Mr. Kirk I need you to come with me Sir.”

Both Kirk and the doctor glanced up to see an academy security officer looming over their table.

“What’s going on here?”  McCoy asked apprehensively. The guard didn’t answer at first and finally the man shifted uncertainly under McCoy’s glare and muttered. “ There’s a meeting concerning Kirk that he is ordered to attend.”

“What meeting?”

The security guard hesitated and without looking at McCoy responded. “They’re performing a review of his curricular plans and academy track.”

“What? That—“ McCoy started to say.

Kirk cut him off. His face wore a resigned look. “It’s okay Bones.”

The security guard gestured for them to follow and Kirk wordlessly got up and fell in line. McCoy trailed after them attempting to ask further questions until a look from Kirk silenced him. Kirk already had a vague idea of what was about to happen and he knew it wasn’t going to be good.

/0\

Kirk steeled himself and followed the security guard in. He turned around as he heard a security guard arguing with Dr. McCoy but after a few seconds of half-threats from the irate doctor the guard allowed McCoy in also. Kirk stared at the people in the auditorium. The seats were empty but at the front stage what looked like half the academy faculty was seated. Kirk was surprised to see the head of almost every major department arrayed before him.

Along the walls, security guards stood at attention. Other then Kirk and McCoy the room was deserted of cadets. Kirk slowly walked toward the panel of people watching him intently. His feet rapped against the floor unnaturally loud in the mostly deserted auditorium. Kirk , out the corner of his eye, saw McCoy take a seat obtrusively in the front row . The panel of staff glanced at him and a few frowned but most ignored the doctor.

Kirk tried to stand at attention. His heart was hammering in his chest, he had stood before a academy panel before, usually after a prank that had gone wrong or some other minor act of rebellion. But never had the group of academy heads and retired or inactive line officers looked as grim as they were now. Never before had there been as many of them assembled as there was now.

Slowly several more people trickled in, including Admiral Tullsey and the instructor of negotiations in command school. Kirk heard somebody swear and twisted around to find a security guard talking with an obviously protesting McCoy.  The conversation was inaudible and mostly consisted of apparently furious refusals and wild gesticulations from the doctor and stern commands from the security guard. As Kirk watched both voices grew until they were audible to the entire auditorium.

“I’m not fucking leaving.”

“Doctor if you refuse to leave after being ordered so, I will have you put under regard for suspension for failing to—”

“You do whatever you want. Good god man you act like this is some grand jury proceeding for a capital offence.”

“Mr. Kirk was asked to come here not you and—“

“I’m not leaving him alone while you and your cronies do whatever it is you’re trying to keep secret.”

“Dr. McCoy I’m asking you to leave now. If you continue to resist I will arrest you.”

“If you even try I’ll hypo your—“

Another voice cut into the argument drowning out both McCoy and the security guard. “Let him stay, as a witness to the proceedings.”

Kirk turned his head around and found it was Admiral Tullsey who had spoken. Admiral Tullsey was the  person in the academy that was largely responsible for the cadets . His word was law and it didn’t need to be strictly enforced. There was something about him that made cadets reconsider when they thought of breaking one of his rules. He was feared but he was also loved and respected.

Tullsey spoke again, drowning out the soft murmur of objection that had surfaced from the other staff seated next to him. “Doctor McCoy can stay as long as he agrees to keep this meeting confidential—“

An expectant pause followed in which McCoy belligerently looked like he would argue more, but then he glanced at Kirk who was standing, in front of half the academy staff, looking miserable and he reluctantly agreed.

“Good then we can begin.” This time it was a Tellarite woman who spoke.

Kirk tried to catch Admiral Tullsey eye, but the man was steadfastly ignoring his gaze. A woman seated a seat away from Admiral Tullsey picked up a Data Padd and perused the contents before speaking. “Mr. Kirk due to recent events in the past month, your status as a cadet has come under review.” There was silence for a few moments then she spoke again. “In the past few weeks you have committed over twenty infractions ranging from minor incidents to serious violations of Starfleet Academy Cadet Code. You have acted violently, recklessly and with conduct ill befitting a cadet...” She droned on listing each and every offence that the academy has apparently discovered he was involved in for over a month. Finally sheplaced the Padd down and stared at Kirk for a moment before asking. “Do you deny any of these charges?”

Kirk’s mouth was dry, and his stomach felt like it was going to leap out his mouth. But he forced himself to answer. “No, Ma’am.” A sick feeling had settled in him as he stared at the people seated before him and all were either acting like they were engrossed in the Padds lying before them or they were staring at him but refusing to meet his eyes.

“In light of your recent behaviour, your mental and emotional stability have been called into question. You psychological evaluation by professor Ponte has also noted a great deal of personal distress and mental instability which  the professor tells me you are not receptive to treatment for at this time.”

Kirk’s face was expressionless, but his uniform was soaked with sweat and his hands which he had clasped behind his back were trembling.

“Also your disclosure of certain events has lead to serious discussion as to whether you are fit to serve in Starfleet....based on these findings there is a case for expulsion from the academy.”

A audible torrent of swear words followed her statement but she ignored Dr. McCoy’s  furious glare and instead continued. “However, with the mitigating circumstances present the faculty has decided by a unanimous vote—“ there was much rustling as she spoke but nobody disagreed—“to resign you from command track and still allow you to remain as a cadet in Starfleet academy.”

“You fucking bit—“         

Kirk glanced at McCoy and the hopelessness on his face silenced the doctor. Kirk turned back  around just as the woman was speaking again. “You’re dismissed cadet.”

  
McCoy trailed out after Kirk. When they were out in the corridor  Kirk still didn’t speak. He just continued walking, minutes passed in silence. McCoy looked around and noticed they were in a different part of the academy. It was the history department but a room that McCoy had rarely  if ever visited.  The room was like a mini museum it stretched far into the distance and was filled with exhibits, and holo-pics spread around the room. Kirk walked further into the room weaving thorough exhibitions showing alien leaders, galactic events, spaceship models and stopped in front of a slide show of holo’s on the wall. He stared at the image currently on the screen. It was a huge fireball. McCoy was about to ask what it was when two things happened. The  holo-show restarted and McCoy noticed the tag on the picture. It read:

_The destruction of the U.S.S Kelvin_

Kirk trailed a finger  across the rim of the holo screen and traced the tag. Softly so that McCoy barely heard he whispered. “You can’t really cheat death...not entirely.”

McCoy swallowed and started. “Jim, com—“

Kirk cut him off, matter-of-factly. “Bones did you ever watch the Holo’s about the Kelvin? They were too theatricalised; it was really simple what happened.”

McCoy didn’t speak and another picture flashed on the screen, this one was of another ship, presumably Nero’s firing on the Kelvin.

Kirk began speaking. The Holos flashed past and he narrated the events of each one like some ghoulish director.

“Nero fired on the ship, they don’t know why. But he wanted something  or someone and he thought the crew of the Kelvin knew where it was”

_The Kelvin was rocked by tiny explosions and McCoy watched as panels flew off the ship and entire decks were exposed to vacuum._

“The captain of the Kelvin knew his ship was no match, so to buy his crew time he agreed to come over and speak with Nero. He knew he was going to die.”

_A tiny ship flew from the U.S.S Kelvin and docked with Nero’s ship and momentarily the fire fight ceased._

“Nero killed Robau after he figured out they were telling the truth and they didn’t have what he wanted. Then he started attacking the Kelvin again, he wanted to destroy them.”

_More explosions followed and even McCoy who was no engineer could tell the Kelvin had sustained a severe amount of damage_

“The captain of the Kelvin—my father—knew  the ship was going to be destroyed. He ordered life-pods launched.”

McCoy tried to make him stop. Kirk hadn’t turned to look at him and his voice was curiously blank, but McCoy knew the way he was recounting what had happened wasn’t healthy. “Jim, let’s go. Okay I know what happened. I—“

“No let me finish this. I need to explain—I need to explain why I’m alive.” Kirk  paused and took a deep breath and then tonelessly continued. “The auto pilot was knocked out and there needed to be a distraction so the shuttles could get away. My mom was in one of the shuttles, she was pregnant with me and I was born on that shuttle.”

_Shuttles were streaking away from the Kelvin and Nero was targeting them. Many were hit before they had even gotten a few klicks away._

“My dad stayed behind to pilot the Kelvin. Somebody else could have taken his place, but he was the captain and that wasn’t the only reason....He wanted to make sure , my mom got away and I-I lived.”

_The Kelvin moved forward and slammed into Nero’s ship. The resulting explosion obliterated the Kelvin and severely damaged Nero’s ship. The explosion grew until it engulfed the screen in a huge fireball and then the Holo ended_

Kirk finally turned around. “That’s why I’m alive Bones, my dad chose to die instead.” Kirk glance back at the now blank screen and then at McCoy. “ _I_ was supposed to die that day but I didn’t...And you can’t cheat death like that, it just keeps coming back for you....and it takes other people when it can’t get you.”

McCoy and Kirk stared at each other. The doctor’s eyes were burning and   his throat was thick. Kirk’s face was expressionless, except his eyes.  His eyes were filled with a mixture of guilt and anger, like two parts of him were at odds.

 Before McCoy could figure out what to say, Kirk spoke. “So there are two exams tomorrow, have you studied?”

“What?” McCoy blinked at the sudden change of conversation.

“You know study, that’s what the rest of you non geniuses have to do.” Kirk said lightly, grinning in a rather fake way.

McCoy was almost too shocked by the abrupt change in personality to speak, but managed to ask. “Jim , are you okay? I mean –aren’t you –“ McCoy broke off, he didn’t know what else to say. Kirk had just been kicked out of command track, gone were his chances of ever being a captain and the entire school was gossiping about him and McCoy knew he had to feel awful physically but he was acting like it was all okay.

“Come on, let’s go to the library, “ Kirk started to walk away.

McCoy tried again. “Jim, this isn’t right. You shouldn’t—I mean don’t you care about what’s happened?“

Kirk froze in his tracks, when he turned around his expression was controlled but his blue eyes were glinting like ice. “It’s not important. “ Then he turned around and continued walking without waiting for McCoy to follow him.

McCoy hesitated and then trailed after. He was becoming more and more worried about Kirk...mentally.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well Kirk's losing it a little more...Here's the promised two chapter update for Monday.

It was late at night but after the day he had sleep wasn’t coming easily. McCoy couldn’t stop thinking about the events or how Kirk had acted. It wasn’t what he had expected. He had been prepared for the younger man to blow up or maybe breakdown. But he hadn’t been prepared for the seeming indifference his friend exhibited. The rest of the day, Kirk had gone from class to class and acted like everything was normal. He had talked with other people, he had even joked, and when McCoy tried to discuss what had happened, he had ignored the doctor of changed the subject.

After classes, and dinner, Kirk had started to walk away saying he was going to get some sleep.  McCoy had been reluctant to allow him be by himself, but Kirk had assured him that all he wanted to do was get some sleep. And the truth was that in between days spent studying for exams and the past few days of sleep deprivation he was exhausted physically and mentally. McCoy had insisted on accompanying Kirk to his dorm and then he had turned back for Nimitz hall.  Once in his own room though he hadn’t been able to fall asleep. His dorm mate , who for once was actually up studying and not out late at night partying,  had asked him a myriad of questions concerning Kirk. And McCoy had given evasive answers until finally he had had enough, and the younger cadet had been on the receiving in of an impressive array of profanity.

Silence, had thankfully settled in the dorm until McCoy’s roommate had been called out by a number of noisy friends asking him to go to yet, another party. McCoy was happy to finally be alone but the longer he laid there in the silence the more worried he became. There was something wrong, about the whole situation, of that he was sure. Lying in the dark he went over what he could remember from the paper Kirk had write, the professors were right there was definitely anger at Starfleet laced heavily in the descriptions of destruction....and nobody could deny the countless infractions Kirk had incurred over the past few weeks.  However none of that was a reason that made sense for the account of the disciplinary hearing. They hadn’t acted like they were correcting a cadet who had acted or even like their actions were couched in concern for one of their recruits.

Sure, Kirk had committed a lot of infractions over the last few weeks, but in light of the intense stress he must have been in continuously, not to mention what McCoy now recognised as frequent flashbacks,  he was surprised he had been able to handle it as well as he had. In any other case Starfleet would have been more forgiving and they certainly wouldn’t have demoted him from the command track like they had, at least not as quick or perfunctory. It _had_ all felt like a punishment. _But a punishment for what? For telling about what had happened?_

McCoy remembered the conversation he had with Kirk earlier.

_“Why would they do anything?”_

_“Because I told....”_

_“You told about what happened over there. You didn’t tell anything you shouldn’t have.”_

_“I think I did.”_

 Was it possible that there was something in Kirk’s paper that had let out secrets that weren’t supposed to be common knowledge? It all made no sense. McCoy remembered Kirk mentioning Starfleet had made him sign  a document requiring him to keep silent about his time on Tarsus but any secrets Kirk knew had been locked away in the tortured mind of a teenager for years until finally as an adult he had told. How could any of it possibly be harmful to Starfleet or be grounds for punishment? Anybody it would have affected would either be long dead or imprisoned by now.

Unless.... the thought slipped unbidden into McCoy’s mind... _There was something else that had been going on during Tarsus that Starfleet didn’t want to know about—and Kirk had unknowingly held the truth all these years._  McCoy shook his head at the thought and rolled over to check the time. It was 0000.  He settled back and punched his pillows in frustration. It was late that was all. That’s why he was thinking stupid stuff....Starfleet conspiracies...secrets long hidden away now brought to light. It sounded more preposterous by the moment ....except...  all the same McCoy decided to reread Kirk’s paper again in the morning. In the meantime his eyes were itching with tiredness, and he was so exhausted his vision was blurred. He slowly fell into a fitful slumber.

/o\

Kirk tried to go to sleep. He was exhausted and hadn’t truly slept except for in intoxicated increments for almost five days.   He was trying his best to go back to everything like it was. He knew McCoy was shocked by how he had seemingly shrugged off everything that had happened. But the doctor didn’t know he needed to act like everything didn’t matter because if he let himself acknowledge how much he actually cared then he was either going to explode or just find a way out of it all permanently.

So if he acted like it was okay that he had lost any chance of ever being a captain, when that was all he had really been working towards. Then it wouldn’t hurt hearing the rumours spreading as the rest of the school found out, or the disappointment he could imagine his long-dead father would have if he knew. Then it didn’t hurt as he thought about Frank telling him that he would always be a failure no matter what he did.

Kirk had to laugh when a reporter all but accosted him in one of the courtyards and shoved a recorder into his face. Then he didn’t care that she was asking him for the names of the other survivors or to talk about his time on Tarsus.

Nobody understood that not caring made it hurt less. 

Even after he had came to his dorm room, locked the door, and sank onto his bed still in his clothes, the questions didn’t stop. He had no sooner closed his eyes then the light switch was thrown back on and he opened his eyes to see his roommate walking in. That by itself was an unusual sight, the man was known to be out at all hours of the night attending parties or peoples dorm rooms, but tonight he had a different agenda. It was one probably fuelled by the thought of the substantial credits and photo opportunity awaiting if he got some actual recording of what had happened on Tarsus from one of the Tarsus nine but the outcome was the same. Kirk had walked from one ceaseless mass of questions to another.

Kirk pulled his pillow over his head trying to block out the sudden onslaught of light when he heard his roommate undressing and then the questions had started though veiled at first.

“Hey, Kirk you awake?”

Kirk considered not answering but he knew the other man would only try to wake him up then. Reluctantly he pulled the pillow off his head and rolled over slightly “Yeah, what?”

“ So...” The other cadet paused while he removed his boots and then without turning around from where he was hanging his uniform asked. “ Did all that really happen? You know that stuff you wrote?”

Kirk sighed heavily but he should have known it was going to start again. “Yeah, it did.”

There was silence in which his roommate pulled on a t-shirt then ...”What was it like on Tarsus? I mean did you ever see the mass execution they supposedly had? I heard it was like 400 people at once in this big yard.”

“600, men, women and children...” The words slipped out. Kirk drifted back. _Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of this society…Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV”_

“So uh, how did they select who was going to die and stuff?”

Kirk glanced up the other cadet was seated on his bed watching him, like he was some odd science experiment. He didn’t want to explain anymore. “I—look I just want to—let’ not talk about it okay?”

“Okay, but I mean I’m just curious, I know my parents were thinking about sending me to Tarsus around the time it had all happened, who knows one different decision and I would have been there.”

Kirk didn’t speak. Instead he was about to turn over when the cadet continued. “Was there a roster of the condemned like everybody said and why did people go along with Kodos? I mean I heard at first he was advocating overthrowing the government even before the famine...”

“Because he had a way of making people trust and fear him...people didn’t realise what he was planning until it was too late... and even then they thought it would all turn out okay....” _Kirk glanced up from where he was eating breakfast with his cousins. A Holo had started to play of a riot, he watched curiously as  a newsman reported. “Outside the town hall, there are protests in favour of the mysterious figure called Kodos. Kodos has billed himself as being the start of a new revolution that will lead to a golden age for this government and eventually the federation. However nobody has seen Kodos or even heard his voice, the only indications of who he is and what he believes comes from his writings. And powerful writings they are. They had over the past few months shown the ability to incense this colony and gain massive support—“_

_The screen was abruptly switched off. Kirk glanced around to see his aunt standing nearby. “Jimmy eat your breakfast.”_

_“But I was watching that..,.”_

_Kirk’s uncle looked up from where he was reading the news on  a Data Padd. “Nobody needs to watch that, that man Kodos is trouble you just watch.”_

_...._

_He stood at rapt attention, on each side of him rows and rows of children and young adults extended. Each face focused on the man striding in front of them._

_“You all are my children...maybe not biologically but the ideas and goals you share make you more my kin then any blood could.” Kodos stopped and raised his voice his eyes glancing over the crowd, making eye contact. “You are a family and more importantly you are the future. What you will accomplish will change the galaxy.”_

_Kodos eyes settled on him, meeting and holding his gaze._

_“You were made to destroy and we will build up a new world from the ashes.”_

“Hey, hey you still with me?” Kirk glanced up to see his roommate snapping his fingers in his face. “You look like you zoned out there for a moment.”

Kirk blinked and looked around the room; he was somewhat startled to see his surrounding were his dorm room...a half remembered memory danced at the corner of his mind fading every time he reached for it.  He sat up and rubbed his eyes, trying to make sense of what he was seeing but  didn’t get a chance to re-orient himself before the questions started again.

“People say he had some favourite author or book he used to quote, some say it was—“

“I really don’t want to talk about it. I just want to sleep.”

“Okay, just a few more questions, I‘m curious you know. So was it like um, the Bible or ...I don’t know Tolstoy or The art of war or Sorak’s meditations , I don’t know...”

“It was Shakespeare...”

 _Kirk raised his head and whispered “Go to hell.” Kodos merely smiled and said. “To quote someone else_ ‘[ _Hell is empty and all the devils are here._](http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/williamsha137445.html) _’”_ _Kodos moved closer. “You know James; there is no shame in giving in to a superior force. You can just tell me what I want to know, you have already held out longer than many older and stronger than you could have.”_

_Kirk didn’t speak. His arms were cramped from the way he was being forced to hold them, chained above his head with his toes barely skimming the ground._

_Kodos came closer, his voice was low and almost soothing, “ to give in now, would hurt nobody. I don’t enjoy causing you pain James, you are by far the most resilient person I’ve met and I do admit under different circumstances you would have not been on the list of condemned, but I’m a generous man, even now this can be the opportunity for a learning experience for me and a quick and painless death for you.”_

_Kirk still didn’t speak, he struggled not to  cry out as he involuntarily shifted and his arms felt like they were being torn out there sockets._

_“Just tell me where you put the data and I promise you no more harm will be done.”_

_His mouth was coated in the metallic taste of old blood but he forced himself to speak. “So killing the others isn’t harm now.”_

_Kodos leaned closer. “Defiance will get you nowhere James, the endgame has already begun you just don’t see it. Give in, save yourself the pain because you will tell me what I want, I won’t let you die before. And if you continue to defy me things are going to be much worse and then you will die, slowly and painfully.”_

_“Fuck you.”_

_Kodos reached out and drew a hand across his face. He whispered, his breath brushing Kirk’s ear “_ _why not death rather than living torment?”_

_Kirk turned his face away from the man’s lingering fingers and refused to watch as Kodos left the room. He was waiting for it to start and he didn’t have to wait long. Within seconds before the door had even fully slid shut pain rippled through his body. He screamed and twisted. His arms were dragging against his chains as he fought to free himself and the pain didn’t stop...._

_...._

_“The others have their orders...a small piece of what is needed for the plan to work, but you James have more than that. You are a leader, one of a select few, who will do more than do than that. You and a precious few will lead the destruction of one corrupt society and usher in the dawn of greatness.”_

“Kirk, Kirk, You okay man? You sort of passed out.”

Kirk opened his eyes to find his roommate standing over him, from where he had apparently slipped off his bed onto the floor. Tremulously he pushed himself up and ran a sweaty palm across his face before saying. “I’m fine.”

His roommate was watching him carefully, the man  looked like he wanted to say something else but was hesitant to do so.

Kirk briefly closed his eyes as a mass of memories that threatened to drown him surged forward momentarily obliterating everything but Kirk forced them back. He opened his eyes and stood up with shaking legs. “I’m going to go now, for a walk—or m-m-maybe study.”

Before his roommate could speak Kirk quickly crossed to the door and left. He made also to the door of his dorm before the memories overtook him. He crouched down, his head in his hands as sensations, smells, sounds sights flashed through his mind almost too fast to comprehend; it felt like memories from another life. When they finally ended he stood and nearly fell his limbs were shaking so badly.  His breaths were coming in pants like he had just sprinted a mile. His shirt was soaked in sweat and it was taking almost all his will not to throw up. Kirk leaned back against the wall with one hand clamped over his mouth against the scant half-digested dinner he felt rising and the other gripping a rail on the wall as he used it to partially hold him up. He waited several moments before his legs had regained their ability to support him and his stomach had calmed and his breathing had settled.  Carefully he typed in the pass code to the leave the dorm and stepped out into the cool night air. He started walking towards the library, his feet were pointed there of their own accord almost before he had consciously made the decision...

If he couldn’t forget it then why was he trying to? Half forgotten memories were dragging at him and he didn’t have the will to keep them away anymore. It was time to embrace the memories even if he had to relieve every one, he needed to find out what secrets he had forgotten...there was something else about Tarsus...something else about his own self...and his mind held the answers.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little violent, I think you will all begin to see what is happening now after reading this one. And just my opinion...Gaila is awesome!

Gaila rolled over, she couldn’t sleep her eyes were tired and she was exhausted but Kirk was keeping her up. And it wasn’t her typically fantasises of him—it was worry. Contrary to how most people thought of her she genuinely cared about people, her whole life wasn’t built around sex. And though she usually managed to shake of whatever was bothering her and get over it relatively quickly (in her early life as one of the syndicate that had been a necessity) she couldn’t forget Kirk.

She liked him, and it had felt like a lot more when she had caught him in the courtyard. After hearing about him being on Tarsus and the other cadets comments, she had needed to find him. She hadn’t been sure what she was going to say, but she had wanted him to know that at least one other person wasn’t going to be looking at him like he was a pariah. Gaila knew how that felt. She knew how it was to be judged because of things that had happened that were beyond your control and were from when you were little more than a child.

She had been happy to come to the academy and escape her past. It was nice to have the seductiveness of her behaviour attributed to the natural tendencies of her race and not to her. She had even felt like she fit in a bit, even if she was considered by many to be the academy whore. But Kirk was different, ever since the first time they had met and she had expected him to be like the others she had know he was something more.  She could see that even though she was an Orion he didn’t only look at her like she was a only sexual object, he had seen the other qualities in her and unlike a lot of males , human and otherwise he had seen her as a person. He hadn’t jumped at her like others would have when she had all but thrown herself at him when they had first met.

Kirk had always seemed to be an enigma, one moment he was laughing and talking like he hadn’t a care in the world and later sometimes, but only for fleeting glimpses that false exterior would break. Gaila thought of what she had learned as the result of Relik’s assignment and like the rest of the academy students she thought of Kirk differently now. But she didn’t think of him in the same way they did. She didn’t see him as weak or someone to walk on eggshells around. Because she knew he was strong. How else could he have lasted all these years with all he had seen and done.

She knew his life had required strength, and he had a lot more than some people had to face people like he had done and tell the truth.

What was he doing right now? Probably sleeping or maybe studying , she imagined his face and the day in the courtyard. His hands running along her, his breath panting and desperate in her ears. The thrills of pleasure tingling down her body and the waves of anger, fear, hopelessness, pain and so many other feelings that shouldn’t filter forced upon her. She remembered struggling to hold onto herself as she was washed away in a drift of feelings that weren’t her own.

Gaila shivered as she remembered Kirk pulling back and breaking contact. “Ny you awake?” She whispered across the darkened room to the sleeping form of Uhura.

“Ny.” She repeated in a louder voice.

Uhura stirred and a tired voice drifted out the darkness. “What is it Gaila?”

“Nothing, I just wanted to talk.”

A muffled groan sounded and then Uhura said, “ Gaila, it’s 0100 , what possibly can’t wait till morning?”

“I’m worried.”

“About what?”

Gaila toyed with the edges of her blanket and then said quietly. “Kirk”

A lamp flickered on and Gaila’s eyes quickly adjusted to see Uhura propped halfway up in her bed. “What about him.”

Gaila didn’t know how to start, finally she started pulling the stitching out an edge of her blanket and focused on that as she spoke. “ Something’s not right with this whole thing.”

“Like what?”

“Well, they kicked Kirk out command track, and the faculty is basically trying to hush this up.”

 “I don’t think they should have kicked Kirk out, but I know why they did and as for people hushing it up, Tarsus was a media fiasco, everybody was blaming Starfleet for not getting there sooner or realising something was wrong. I see why the academy doesn’t want Kirk bringing it up.”

“Yeah, I guess... it’s just wrong though. It’s like he’s being punished for telling.”

Uhura couldn’t think of anything to say to that because that was exactly what it was like. Finally she turned out the light and said. “Come on Gai, let’s get some sleep.”

Gaila stared into the darkness and heard the rustle of sheets as Uhura settled back in her bed. Soon the gentle sound of Uhura breathing drifted over to her. Gaila still was worried about Kirk and she had learned to trust her intuition. With one last glance at Uhura’s sleeping form, Gaila crept out of bed and quickly dressed. She left their dorm hall and started for Kirk’s. She didn’t’ even know why she was doing it but she felt like she had to. Somebody needed to check on him. Gaila keyed herself into the dorm and started towards Kirk’s room and another thought crossed her mind bringing a smile to her lips and a flush to her face... _Maybe, after she checked on Kirk she could see about cheering him up...._

She impatiently waited at Kirk’s door. When it finally opened. It was by Kirk’s roommate who looked irritated at being disturbed until he saw who it was.

“So Gaila, what can I do for you or have you come to do something for me?”

Gaila ignored the pointed comment, she was used to them from the vast majority of males at the academy. It came with the territory of being an Orion...and her reputation. “Where’s Kirk?”

“Out.” He hesitated looking guilty about something then added. “He went to study at least he says so.”

“But it’s after curfew.”

“Since when has that stopped him or you for that matter.”

Gaila frowned . Before she could speak the man continued looking her up and down suggestively. “You don’t have to find Kirk you know. If you want to have some fun  come in...There’s room for one more, I always wanted to try out one of you green girls.”

Her sense of smell was typical of Orions and was strong enough to detect the scents and pheromones lacing the air even without having her suspicions confirmed by a female calling out. “Are you coming back, or should I just leave.”

Gaila felt her face flush with anger. Just because she was more open than most people didn’t mean all she ever cared about was sex...and it certainly didn’t mean she was willing to sleep with anyone for that matter. That had been her life before...this was now.

Her body. Her choice.

Kirk’s roommate called over his shoulder. “Just a minute.” He turned back to Gaila. “So, what’ll it be.”

Gaila didn’t bother to answer instead he turned and started walking away.

The irritation at her refusal was evident on the man’s face as he called after her. “Don’t act like you have standards...you’re a fucking Orion.”

Gaila hesitated for just a second at his words as the door hissed shut behind her, then she moved on. She was use to that type of reception and maybe she had brought on part of it herself, but it still hurt. She shook her head, shaking off the mood and started walking. The most important thing right now was finding Kirk.

/O\

The library was deserted,  the light were turned out and it was mostly quiet except a cubicle, where one person was seated watching endless, news coverage, photos and survivor recounts. The person didn’t make a sound; his gaze was trained on the screen staring blankly at the carnage playing out.  He felt drawn to watch it like some sick-self torture ritual. The images flashing across the scene added to the chaotic sights and sounds already flickering through his head, he wanted to tear his eyes away and yet he couldn’t stop himself. It felt like there was something just at the edge of his consciousness that he couldn’t quite remember and if he watched long enough maybe he finally would.

/O\

Gaila had been searching for over half an hour and still she hadn’t found Kirk. Half-heartedly she checked the library and found him sitting in front of a Holo monitor watching something. She slipped up behind him and the carefully so as not to startle him said. “Hey,  Jim. I—“

She broke off as she noticed what he was watching; it was a videotape of a firing squad executing a group of people. As Gaila watched the people were lined up men, women and children of at least ten different species and then a command came and bolts of light lanced out striking among the crowd and bodies began falling. The whole scene was over in a few seconds and by the end of it Gaila’s heart was beating rapidly, she dragged her  eyes away from the others and tried to attract Kirk’s attention again.

“Jim, I don’t really think you should be watching this, It’s—“ Once again she broke off as another scene merged onto the screen. This was off a news anchor walking through rubble. She fell silent as she listened. “We’re here on Tarsus IV, walking through what remains of the colony. As you can see little is left to even indicate the presence of any life. The disease that has affected the plants has also lead to almost all the animal life dying and to the deaths of many of the colonists.” The camera flashed over to bleached bones of some animal lying in the dirt and then to several hastily dug mounds bearing markers with alien script.

“Starfleet is yet to release an official statement, but the catastrophe here is being called one of the worst  disasters in federation history.”

The news clip ended and then another one began playing, this one was from earlier today. Gaila didn’t want to see anymore, she reached past Kirk intending to turn off the monitor and he grabbed her hand and twisted around. His eyes were wild as he stared at her blankly. Gaila hesitated then  said. “Jim, don’t you think you should be getting some sleep or...”

Kirk  cut her off . “Where are the others?” His voice was urgent and quiet like he was worried about being overheard.

Gaila stared uncertainly at Kirk then said. “McCoy’s probably asleep and ....”

“Who? “ He looked suspiciously at her for a moment then added. “ Why are you here? You’re supposed to be with Carla and Ligan. “

“Jim, I—”

“Look, don’t argue again okay? ” Kirk glanced back at the computer banks and then back at Gaila. “ I thought maybe these docs had the plans of where some of the older bunkers were , you know maybe we could hide out there for a bit...”

“What?”

Kirk shook his head, suddenly looking very tired. He sighed then added. “ Anyway, it’s not important all there was schematics . We’ve got to move quickly, Kodos troops are coming near and they’ll catch us if we stay here. Let’s go get the others.”

Gaila finally realised what was going on and pulled her arm gently from Kirk’s loosened grasp. “Jim, I’m Gaila and this is Earth... You’re not on Tarsus... We’re in a library on Earth. ”

Kirk stared at her uncertainly and then a burst of noise from a monitor changed both their attentions. “Words from Kodos now infamous speech could be heard as silence filled the square” Writes one survivor. Another states, “there was no question I was going to die.”  

Starfleet has refused to confirm these reports but several survivors allegedly stated that prior to the mass execution of over two hundred people , he said the following that can be heard is this reconstructed audio clip. _“ Your deaths are just the beginning , the federation will fall and must. Success will be gained, with the sacrifices of the many and the works of the few, by such mechanisms greatness will be achieved..._ The rest of the speech faded away as Kirk silently repeated the last sentence to himself. It was familiar, like an old friend, memories were surging threatening to break free and as he thought about the words again a confused tangle rushed forth. He remembered classes at school, before the Kodos had taken over, commercials on Holos, bodies dragged forth. Blood dripping off hands, laughter, colours, sounds....The stimuli was overwhelming. He closed his eyes breathing hard as more and more rushed forward, until only one thought remained and his awareness of where or even who he was had faded. Replaced by one thought, one phrase that had been somehow always there and yet not.

 _“The sacrifices of the many and the works of the few... the federation will fall...”_  It was part of a speech, and it was a philosophy, but most of all it was a command. Kirk opened his eyes.

Gaila clicked off the Holo  as the badly distorted audio clip stopped playing and watched as Kirk sank down in his chair and closed his eyes, holding his head n his hands. She touched his shoulder and called his name without response until abruptly he turned and looked at her. His eyes were strangely vacant.

“Jim, you okay?” She asked uncertainly.

He  jerked away from her touch as she called his name and instead of answering her question said. “Where am I?”

Gaila was surprised and worried by the question, but answered calmly as she carefully grabbed his arm trying to get him to stand up. “Jim, we’re in the library” She saw he was still staring confusedly at her and wondered was he intoxicated again, as she explained. “This is Starfleet Academy San Francisco. Come on let’s go see Dr. McCoy.”

Kirk pulled his arm out her grasp; his face had hardened at her words. _Starfleet Academy...._ A series of images went through his mind...he had to sort through a jumble of memories but abruptly he knew who she was. He also knew what he had to do to fulfil his objectives.

Gaila, as he remembered the Orion girl was called was a genius at computers, better than him even. She also as a result of her skill had a security level clearance that allowed her to translate some of the more sensitive documents that passed through Starfleet. If he could access the files she was capable of for even a few minutes the information he could gain would be immeasurably valuable, plus with her encryption skills he could send a message out and find the others.

A memory surfaced from earlier and momentarily a streak of pain flashed through his head as he remembered flashes  _writing a paper, everybody’s reaction, somebody confronting him about their sister’s death, getting drunk in a bar....trying to forget._  Kirk shook his head, he sort of remembered snatches but it made no sense. Why was he trying to forget Tarsus IV? It had been the start of a revolution, Starfleet that it was failed but they didn’t know it was just the beginning. More memories surfaced this time of him and Gaila in the courtyard and the feel of the Orion’s girl’s body pressed against his skin.  Feeling stirred inside of him and he glanced at Gaila who was watching him uncertainly.

He stood up, and moved toward  Gaila . He knew how to get the codes and satisfy the urges surging through his body.

“Jim, come on okay, you don’t look so good, let’s uh, go—“ Gaila broke off as Kirk kissed her firmly on the mouth stopping her words.  He leaned close to her ear, letting his breath brush her skin and whispered. “I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?”  He felt the Orion girl quiver as he moved his hand leisurely down her back. He tugged at her uniform and loosened the collar so her neck was exposed, his lips lightly brushed the area, causing Gaila to sigh and relax more into his arms. He couldn’t stop; it was like someone else had taken over. He kissed her fiercely, bring her body as close to his as possible. With one hand he started unloosening her uniform top

One part of him was like a wild animal, relapsed of all it’s inhibitions, the other was coldly calculating intent on making the Orion girl divulge information he needed. 

/o\

Gaila was surprised by Kirk’s response but she let herself relax into is grip. He was surprisingly strong for a human male as he picked her up. She smelled his slightly sweaty skin, she felt his lips across her face and neck, the contours of his body pushed against her. She wanted to stay relaxed in his embrace. She wanted to surrender herself to him, to Kirk, like she had always imagined.  But it wasn’t Kirk at least not like he normally was, this time his emotions were just as strong  as they had been when had been a day ago in the courtyard but now they were of anger and hate and... confusion. He felt alien, like a different person in the same body and Gaila dragged herself away as he attempted to kiss her. She pulled back, extricating herself from his arms. He stood breathing heavily, his forehead was slick with sweat and his eyes were fever bright.  Gaila backed away and Kirk had a jolt of pleasure as he saw the fear in her eyes, “Jim, come on let’s go see McCoy. And—“

“Maybe later .” Before Gaila could move Kirk had grabbed her again and kissed her roughly, pulling her uniform top down so her bra was exposed. Gaila pulled back again.  “Jim I mean it stop.” Kirk froze but he didn’t let go of the hand he had on her arm. After a moment he released her and she drew back. Something in his face had changed. His jaw tightened and a slight smile was on his lips.

“Okay, then we’ll do this the hard way.” Kirk dragged her closer and grabbed her arms pinning them at her sides and using his body to hold her against the wall. He bent down and kissed her again this time drawing blood in her mouth. He ripped open her uniform shirt part of the way and his hands roved as he kissed her. Gaila  was uncertain and found herself kissing him back. Kirk still smelled the same, his skin felt the same, but when his eyes locked with hers that made her decision.  They were alien to her, she saw none of the mischievous light, or anything that was remotely like him, all that was present was a awful iciness.   She dragged her mouth away from his hungry lips and pushed his weight away from her. He resisted holding her in place.

“Jim please.” Gaila felt tiny pricks of moisture developing at the corners of her eyes. It wasn’t what was happening to her that was most bothering. It was the fact that Kirk was doing it. She was used to customers long before she had come to earth and joined Starfleet forcing themselves on her. Since she had come to Earth those incidences were rare but still what authorities would take the word of a supposed sex-obsessed Orion to those of an upstanding Earth citizen. But Kirk wasn’t like that...he had always been different . So the aggressiveness he was displaying was not only out of character but terrifying in a way those other encounters long ago hadn’t been.

“You want me to stop? Then I need you to answer a question” Kirk stopped kissing her and leaned his mouth close to her ear. Kirk’s next words surprised her, as he whispered. “What are the access codes for the main academy data banks.”

“Wh-what?”

He repeated the words.

“Jim, why do you want that?  This makes no sense.”

Kirk continued as if she hadn’t spoken.  “I could get in on my own but that would take time, which I don’t have. So I need the codes.”

“Those banks have classified information , I can’t just go and give them—“

“You can and you will.” Kirk reached out a hand and grasped her throat. He was smiling as he slowly pressed his fingers into her trachea squeezing off the air. “Or your refusal will be the last thing you ever do.”

Gaila was crying now,  even as she tried to fought off Kirk. The tears were of anger and confusion. The entire situation made no sense. _Why did he want the codes to the academy data banks. And why was he attacking her for them?_ Her hand fumbled desperately in her pocket for her comm and she blindly pressed a series of buttons praying a call would go through.

Her air supply was dimming and Kirk hadn’t released his grip in the slightest... _He was going to kill her._

A sleepy voice with a southern accident sounded abruptly from the comm. Gaila had clutched in her hand. “Gaila, what’s going on, I—“

Kirk jerked in surprise as he heard the new voice and Gaila used his momentary distraction to extricate herself from his chokehold. She darted away, still coughing and gasping for breath. She dived among the data banks and old-fashioned book shelves trying to lose Kirk. McCoy was still talking on the comm but she had muted him so it was one way only and right then she didn’t dare answer for fear Kirk would hear.


	8. Chapter 8

Thelev was on security duty in the main study hall and he was cursing for the fifteenth hundred time losing his bet with Patrick the security officer who should have been here that night. Thelev had just completed his tenth round of the area he was patrolling and was starting on an eleventh; he figured he would be able to get at least twenty more in before his shift was over and then he questioned himself why his night was so boring that he was reduced to counting his rounds.

He rounded the auditorium and was nearing the main library when he heard a female voice cry out. The voice was unfamiliar but whoever it was sounded frightened, he set off at a jog to the library wondering what was going on.  

When he got to the library there was no obvious source for the scream, to all appearances the place was deserted. He searched among the stacks just as a precaution, already assuming that whoever had been there was gone when an Orion girl he recognised as Gaila nearly ran into him. Her uniform top was ripped and she looked scared.

Thelev drew his phaser and began to ask a question but, Gaila started speaking first in a hushed whisper. “You have to do something he’s not right. “

“Who? “

“He’s—he’s not—“ She froze and stopped speaking her eyes fixed on something behind his back. Theve started to turn as Kirk appeared behind the man and swiftly knocked him unconscious with the butt of the phaser he had wrested from the guard's grip. Thelev had barely time to be surprised at his attacker before he slid bonelessly to the ground. Gaila turned to run, but Kirk brought the phaser up and trained it on her. “Don’t move.” He flicked the weapon setting  up to a heavy stun and advanced towards her.

Gaila froze warily calculating the risk of fleeing versus taking her chances with Kirk. He was too close to run from but he obviously wasn’t acting like himself and who knew what he would do. Behind her back she quickly pressed a set of buttons speeding dialling the doctor whose call she had lost while trying to flee Kirk. This time she muted it so Kirk wouldn’t hear but left it open so McCoy could hear on his end. She prayed the doctor would realise something wasn’t right and come because if he didn’t then...she didn’t know what was going to happen.

Kirk pressed the phaser against Gaila’s head. “I need the codes. Just tell me and I won’t kill you.”

Gaila didn’t dare move; she read the truth in Kirk’s eyes. Whatever was happening with him, she knew, he had no problem with killing her and something told her that even if she complied he was probably going to kill her. She couldn’t help flinching as he reached behind her snatching the comm unit from her grasp. “Think I wouldn’t notice...” He crushed the device in his hand pieces of plexy crunching. Gaila didn’t even know if the comm had went through...for all she knew nobody was coming and Kirk was going to make good on his threat.

/o\

McCoy woke out a sound sleep to his comm. going off. He fumbled in the dark for the small device and finally answered it half-asleep. He was half-expecting it to be Kirk, perhaps drunk or dead-tired, instead Gaila’s out of breath voice greeted him. He blinked and sat up as she quickly started rambling in a hushed whisper about Kirk. He barely heard half –her mumbled words before he heard a voice that sounded like Kirk and yet—eerily not—say. “Drop that.” Then the line went dead. 

McCoy flicked on the light and pulled his socks on and a pair of shoes. He glanced at the clock, it was late. So late that anyone with any sense was either fast asleep or at least in the sanctuary of their dorm rooms. _What was Kirk doing walking the campus grounds? Or Gaila for that matter?_ McCoy wanted to stay sprawled on his bed but something was eating away at him. Gaila had sounded terrified and Kirk just hadn’t sounded like himself. All McCoy’s alarms were going off mentally and yet consciously he didn’t even know why. He started out the door at a jog; pausing only to jam his comm. unit in his pocket.

Halfway to the main library his comm. went off again, this time strangely nobody answered when he picked up, he was about to click off when he heard a series of voices and Gaila whimper. Then Kirk said in a quiet voice almost like he was enjoying her fear “Just tell me and I won’t kill you” and McCoy’s blood ran cold. Automatically he took off at a sprint the remaining distance to the library.

He had no idea what the hell was happening except somehow, something had set Kirk off and inexplicably Gaila was caught up in it. Maybe she had gone to visit him and what had started off as an assignation had triggered some flashback in which Gaila was perceived to be the guilty party. Or maybe she had awoken him in the middle of a nightmare.  Or hell, McCoy admitted to himself, at this point it could be just about anything. He should have taken some sort of precautions. People didn’t just shrug of stuff like Kirk had been doing the whole day...and they didn’t just get over what had amounted to weeks of intense physiological stress.  He should have admitted Kirk to medical or stayed with him at the very least. 

It was six minutes from Nimitz hall to the library at a sprint. McCoy thought about calling security as his shoes slipped on  across the dewy grass, his fingers even unconsciously began to select the number, but he stopped himself. He knew it was selfish and Kirk was quite capable of doing serious damage to somebody if he was so inclined. But if there was any way he could salvage the situation without bringing the security into it and having the entire media subsequently alerted to the incident then McCoy felt he had to try. He could imagine the headlines out if any of tonight was leaked. _Crazed Tarsus Nine assaults fellow cadet on Starfleet campus.”_  Kirk didn’t deserve that...he didn’t deserve any of what was happening now.

McCoy desperately keyed himself and ran into the library. He stopped at a stack of old fashioned dictionaries under protective glass and froze, staring at what was before him.  His breath was coming in gasps and it caught in his throat for a moment. An unconscious Andorian security guard was lying sprawled on the floor. Gaila was pinned against a wall clearly terrified and Kirk was the one scaring her, with a phaser in his hand pressed to her head.

Kirk turned around as Gaila eyes widened at the sight of the doctor. He still had the phaser trained on Gaila but McCoy was the focus now.  Kirk stared at him suspiciously and ...unfamiliarly.

“Who are you?”

McCoy almost couldn’t believe what he had heard; it wasn’t even that Kirk didn’t know him. It was the way he said it. The voice was his, but the tone, the lack of facial expression, the cold eyes, they weren’t Kirk at all. McCoy swallowed sharply, wondering what the hell had happened to cause such a change. 

“Who are you?” Kirk asked again this time more insistent.

“What Jim? You know who I am...this—“

Kirk cut him off, by yelling. “Tell me who the fuck you are!”

McCoy shifted his hand towards his  pocket surreptitiously trying to go for his comm. What was happening was beyond him now. He didn’t want to turn in Kirk but he couldn’t let him hurt Gaila either.

“Drop it or I’ll kill her.”

McCoy hesistated lowering his voice to a soothing tone in an attempt to buy time. “Just put the phaser down Jim. There’s—“

Something in Kirk snapped, he dug the phaser harder into Gaila’s temple eliciting a cry from her. “You do not fucking negotiate with me. Do what I say or I’ll kill you both.“

McCoy dropped his comm. The sound of it hitting the floor sounded abnormally loud in the silence of the library that was unbroken except for McCoy’s own laboured breaths.

“What’s your name...and don’t try anything else.”

McCoy flicked between Gaila’s widened eyes and Kirk’s cold glare and then raised his hands in an attempt to placate him “Okay, just calm down. I’m  Dr. Leonard McCoy... you call me that stupid nickname Bones.”

Kirk remained staring at him like the information hadn’t meant anything to him abruptly he grimaced and brought his other hand that wasn’t holding a phaser on Gaila up to the side of his head like he had a sudden pain there.  After a moment he straightened up, and spoke. The words were crisp and perfunctory like he was reading a file . “Dr. Leonard H. McCoy, majoring in xenobiology, a medical doctor from Earth originally Georgia. You have one child, and a sister called Donna. You’re estranged from your daughter’s mother Jocelyn and you first met...him... on a shuttle here.”

McCoy blinked in shock, all of what Kirk had said was true but the toneless way he delivered it was like he was accessing a databank for somebody else’s information. McCoy shook off his shock and glanced at Gaila who was trembling before he spoke. “Jim, just put that down okay. It’s okay you’re—”

“Stop calling me him. My name is James Tiberius Kirk, not Jim.”

McCoy was even more shocked, Kirk hated being called James. He had never exactly said why, but the few times when McCoy had accidentally called him that after they met, Kirk had politely but firmly corrected him and changed the subject. And now, apparently he was the exact opposite.  Not only that but most worrying was his references to “him” like there were two different people. McCoy was starting to wonder was there a possibility that his friend had multiple personalities or some similar disorder. He tried again to diffuse the situation; his voice was soothing and low. “’Okay, James, you can put the weapon down, I don’t have anything ....Gaila doesn’t so we can’t  hurt you, okay?”

As McCoy raised his palms farther to show he were empty handed, Kirk moved forward slightly at the sudden movement and Gaila used the momentary distraction to wrest Kirk’s phaser away in much the same way in which he had done so to the guard earlier. As he twisted around to her, she adjusted a switch on the phaser and fired. Kirk collapsed unconscious.  

McCoy rushed forward and caught him in time to lower him gently to the ground. Gaila was still holding the phaser and trembling. McCoy reached up and slipped it from her grip before turning back to Kirk. After quickly assessing his friend he moved to the insensate Andorian security officer, who was just beginning to stir. McCoy had forgotten to bring his medical bag in his haste to find out what was going on.  So the doctor settled for the old-fashioned way of checking pulses and pupils.

Thelev the security security, gave a low moan and sat up. His antennae were slumped forward and he held his head in his hands for a moment before glancing around. He stared at McCoy in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

Before McCoy could answer, Thelev spotted, Kirk sprawled unconscious on the ground and the Andorian scrambled for his phaser. His fingers met empty air in his holster and he snatched up the weapon from the ground where McCoy has placed it. Kirk was obviously knocked out so the Andorian turned back to McCoy. “What happened?”

McCoy continued his exam taking his time as he figured out what to say. “Gaila called me and I came here. Jim was—“ He broke off. _What was he supposed to say? Jim was going to kill Gaila? Jim threatened to kill me?_  The truth was worse than any lie he could ever make up and yet there was no lie he could think of that would hold. _And did he really want to keep this a secrect?_

“Kirk was what?” When McCoy didn’t immediately answer, Thelev added. “Something’s wrong with him.”

“What do you mean?

“What do I mean?” Thelev snorted. “I came here because I heard somebody scream, and Gaila’s trying to get away from Kirk, then that bastard comes up and knocks me out.” He stood up, slightly unsteadily and McCoy saw he had a trickle of blood dripping from his temple. The Andorian noticed the thin stream and wiped it away with a hand, when he saw his palm covered with a fine sheen of blood he swore and reached up to check his antennae for damage.

“He’s going to the brig for this one; I should have taken him long ago.  Fighting all across campus. Destroying property... Attacking an unarmed fellow cadet and assaulting an officer is...” The Andorian continued talking, until McCoy stepped in his path preventing the officer from moving closer to Kirk and using the restraints he was attempting to pull out. In that moment McCoy made a decision, Kirk was his friend and good or bad he wasn’t going to let him take the fall for something that was becoming more obvious to be out of his control.

“Listen uh...” McCoy glanced at the man's name tag, “Thelev, Kirk was not in his right mind, when he attacked you.”

“Oh, so because he decided to get drunk or whatever he did, I’m supposed to let this go....He fucking knocked me unconscious—unconscious McCoy as in he could have done whatever the hell he wanted in the meantime so—”

“Listen Kirk wasn’t intoxicated; at least I don’t think so....more like he didn’t seem to be able to distinguish reality.”

“If he randomly went crazy, all the more reason to lock him up” The Andorian started to push past McCoy. “I suggest you get out the way doctor.”

“No, listen.” McCoy glanced at Kirk who was still lying inert on the floor and then back to the glowering security guard, who was still readying his restraints. “Jim...Kirk has been having these flashbacks to Tarsus and tonight you and Gaila caught him in one...file a warning on his account or something but don’t officially write this up. I’m fucking begging you here.”

Thelev paused and then said. “So I’m supposed to let him go because of this. Even if I try to forget the fact he practically gave me a concussion...” Thelev appeared to be hesitating; he turned to Gaila. “He still attacked you didn’t he.”

“He, um...” Gaila paused as she caught McCoy’s eye. “I was just joking around.”

“You were joking around.”

“Yeah.”

The Andorian turned a nasty shade of blue and raised his voice. “Creating a nuisance and diverting a Starfleet officer from his post is not joking around, in fact that’s grounds for disciplinary action, so...”

McCoy quickly cut off the Andorian , “Kirk’s already been kicked out the command academy, he’s this close to being expelled, and almost the entire academy not to mention the media is talking about him every chance they get, so can’t you give him a goddamn break?”

Thelev shifted uncomfortably and glanced at Kirk who was still lying unconscious on the floor.  The Andorian guard cleared his throat and then turned back to McCoy. “Okay, but this is the last time, doctor. You’re responsible for him. I know he’s had a bad last few weeks...and if I was in his position i honestly probably would have blown my brains out years ago.”  Thelev hardened voice and added. “But this is being noted officially if I get one more call about him or something’s he’s done in the next few days...”

“I’ll keep an eye on him; you don’t have to worry about it.” McCoy muttered, privately wondering whether he could make good on his promise. Kirk seemed determined to get himself expelled or ...killed.

Thelev appeared to want to say something else but instead grabbed his phaser from Gaila who was still holding it and stalked off. It was lucky Thelev obviously hadn’t been awake to hear the death threats or McCoy was pretty sure that he wouldn’t have walked away from this as it was the security guard had something to go on, but as it was now Kirk had pity on his side.

McCoy turned back to Kirk, and kneeled next to him. Checking him over as he spoke with Gaila.

“What the hell happened?”

Gaila nervously tugged her ripped uniform shirt around her shoulders and then spoke. “I came to the library to see Kirk and he was acting weird, like he didn’t know me. Then he started kissing me and asked me for some codes and when I didn’t tell him....’ Gaila trailed off and touched the bruises to the sides of her neck. “He said he was going to kill me if I didn’t tell him.”

McCoy glanced upwards but didn’t speak. 

Gaila asked. “He just did this because he was drunk or something right?” McCoy still didn’t speak and Gaila insisted. “Maybe flashbacks...like the other night when he didn’t know what was going on?”

“Yeah, maybe.” McCoy didn’t look at Gaila as he answered. Privately, he doubted Kirk’s behaviour was related to drug ingestion or probably even having a flashback, it was something else. Because never in the time he had known him had Kirk, whether he had been so intoxicated or out of his mind, had he not recognised him. And it was twice now in less than two days that Kirk had failed to recognise him, and when he had the last time, it had been like a stranger reading a report. Clinical... detached so much unlike Kirk.

“Gaila what—“ McCoy broke off the question he was about to ask the Orion woman as Kirk gave a low groan and opened his eyes. McCoy watched his him carefully, wondering what he was going to be like when he was awake. Briefly he wished Thelev had stayed, as it was now he didn’t have a hypo or a phaser to subdue Kirk if needed when he woke up. Kirk glanced around wincing at the light and then struggled to sit up. McCoy helped him to a sitting position, and then cautiously asked “How do you feel? “.

He held his breath after the question, fearing to hear that strange-voice and yet, his friend’s voice issue from Kirk’s mouth, but instead, Kirk groaned again and held his head in his hands as he mumbled. “Like shit. My head hurts.”

“You were stunned.”

Kirk looked up in surprise. “Who stunned me?”

McCoy glanced back at Gaila briefly, who was keeping a careful distance from Kirk and then instead of answering his friend’s question asked. “Do you know who I am?”

Kirk lifted his head back up from where he had been resting it in his hands and tried to give a weak half-smile, but instead it turned into a pained grimace. “I think I know your name better then my own Bones. If I didn’t know who you were, that would be a serious problem” Kirk appeared to be about say something else but instead he noticed Gaila, who was lingering in the background. “What are you doing here?”

Gaila shifted uncomfortably, before she could answer McCoy interjected. “Jim what’s the last thing you remember?”

“I was in the library watching some Holos and then I must have blacked out or.... I was stunned I guess.” Kirk shook his head, slightly and then winced at the movement. He looked back at McCoy. “Why?”

“Did you take anything tonight, and don’t lie to me Jim.” McCoy said evenly as he checked Kirk’s pulse

Kirk scowled and shrugged McCoy’s hand off his wrist. “No I didn’t take anything.”

“Maybe somebody slipped you something?”

“No, I was going to bed, and then my roommate started asking me all these questions so I came here to study instead.” McCoy glanced back at Gaila and Kirk followed the look.

“What is it? What happened?”

McCoy hesitated. “You weren’t exactly acting like yourself.”

“What did I do?”

“You-uh, you apparently attacked Gaila, and then she managed to stun you.”

Kirk was silent, he swallowed. He knew he had been having flashbacks, and they had been becoming more and more frequent,  sometimes, it was like he blacked out, but typically because alcohol or some other intoxicating substance was usually on board he had shrugged the incidents off. Now he wasn’t so sure.

“What? How? I don’t remember...”

“I know, but I saw it Jim, you were asking her for some codes too.”

“What?”

Gaila spoke, her voice quivering slightly. “You wanted me to tell you the access codes to the secure data banks, where I have clearance. I refused and that’s when you...”

“When I what?”

Gaila didn’t answer and her eyes looked suspiciously bright like the precursor to tears, instead of speaking she fiddled nervously at her collar. Kirk glanced between McCoy and Gaila, and then desperately asked the doctor. “What did I do?”

“You—“ McCoy hesitated, then said evenly. “Put a phaser to Gaila’s head and threatened to kill her.”

Kirk opened his mouth like he was about to speak and instead, grimaced abruptly and grabbed his head in his hands, as pain streaked through it, intensifying his headache... Flashes of memories were spiralling through his mind, but of unrelated events. Things he hadn’t thought of or wanted to for years.

  _He was back watching a video of awful things, people dying, cities destroyed, riots, screaming, everywhere. A voice “This is what the federation does James.” A firing squad and sprays of red. “This is all part of a plan that will help the entire galaxy...Gunfire, falling bodies, flashes of blue light. Pain, scorching his body, every nerve ending on fire...the bloodied pale faces of his family...”The sacrifices of the many and the revolt of the few...we will not fail”_

Kirk opened his eyes, not remembering having closed them, and straightened up from where he had unknowingly slumped back against the wall. McCoy was leaning over him, watching him closely. Kirk swallowed trying to forget, what he had just remembered. It didn’t make sense it was a mass of incohesive, sights, sounds, smells. His head was throbbing and his shirt was sticking to his back, he glanced up locking his eyes with McCoy. “I don’t remember any of that Bones...”

“I know Jim—I know” McCoy couldn’t take the desperate gaze in Kirk’s eyes, he didn’t have the answers, but something was wrong and he needed to find out what it was. Before Kirk could speak, McCoy had grabbed his arm and tugged him up. “Come on.”

“Bones my head really hurts I just want to rest for a moment.”

McCoy kept hold of his arm and ignoring his protest continued pulling him up right.

Where are we going?”

“To medical, so you can get checked out.”

Kirk immediately tried to pull his arm free. “I’m not crazy or anything. You— “

“I didn’t say I thought you were crazy did I? We’ll go into one of the empty diagnostic rooms, nobody else will be there, I just want to see what’s going on.” Kirk still looked hesitant so McCoy added. “Jim, I need to find out what’s happening with you . . . these...flashbacks... are becoming more and more frequent and somebody is going to get seriously hurt unless we get this under control.”

McCoy waited until Kirk reluctantly nodded and then left his friend leaning against the wall as he went to speak with Gaila. He noticed the dishevelled appearance of the Orion woman and hesitated a moment before saying. “I think you should come to medical, so I can make sure there aren’t any serious injuries.”

Gaila tugged her uniform over her shoulders and gave McCoy a wan smile, that didn’t quite look real. “I'm fine doctor really; I’ll just go get some sleep. You’ve got enough dealing with Jim.”

Gaila made to turn away, but McCoy placed a gentle hand on her shoulders and made the Orion woman meet his eyes. “Gaila, I know he held a phaser on you, but...is that all that happened tonight?”Gaila sniffed and then scrubbed her eyes furiously and nodded.

“Okay,” McCoy glanced back at Kirk who was still being supported by the wall and holding his head in his hands. “I don’t want to ask you to do anything you don’t want to, but it would be best if you came to medical, with us. There’s something going on and you saw Kirk before and during this episode so you have a lot of information that can help.”

Gaila bit her lip and glanced at Kirk then nodded. They started off towards medical, and McCoy hoped he could get some answers but he didn’t even know what he was looking for.


	9. Chapter 9

“Look at this.” McCoy pointed to a series of neon images splashed across neural map revolving in mid-air.

“What is it?” Gaila, moved closer. She was now dressed in a fresh cadet’s uniform, but McCoy didn’t miss the way her hands had been shaking slightly or how she was staying as far away from Kirk as possible.

“These areas are all going crazy; it’s almost seizure like activity. Especially here and here” McCoy pointed to two highlighted spots on the image. He trailed off as he stared at the image. ”—but it’s not a seizure...”

McCoy fell silent and then glanced at Kirk who was perfectly still and had closed his eyes, even though McCoy had dimmed the lights in the room, in difference to his headache. He crossed to a comprehensive neural imager and was beginning to set up the sequence when Kirk raised himself off the biobed and turned to look at McCoy. “Bones, my head is killing me...”  His face was deathly pale.

“I need to run these scans before I give you anything okay?” McCoy waited until Kirk had nodded before he turned back to his work. Kirk’s brain function was off the charts, particularly his amygdale, frontal cortex and the other area associated with behaviour and emotion. McCoy swore under his breath as he finally recognised a pattern in the swirling colours representing Kirk’s brain activity. “This could be the reason he attacked you.”

Gaila stared at the spot the doctor was pointing at and then shrugged. “I don’t understand. What?”

“Everything is haywire in here. “                                                                                                  

“Huh?”

“It’s like he has another neural pattern in addition to his own. Fear, anger, even different areas of memory are all lightning up at seeming random.” McCoy lowered his voice. “If we have the computer extrapolate back, right before he attacked you something activated his fight or flight response and overrode his reasoning centre. “

“So ... he had some psychotic break or something, you’re saying?”

“No—I don’t know.” McCoy ran a hand over his face. “ I thought all these flashbacks were just a response to stress, but tonight, they were definitely different. It’s like he almost completely disassociated from himself. He didn’t know who I was...and that’s not just a break with reality that’s something else.”

Gaila shivered and rubbed her arms. “What about that stuff he was saying. “

“You mean trying to get the access codes from you?”

“No, before that he was kind of muttering some stuff under his breath, he thought I was someone else.”

McCoy turned to Gaila. “What was he saying?”

“I can’t remember it all. Something about the sacrifices of the many and the revolt of the few....and the federation must fall...I don’t remember all of it I was just trying to get away from him...Before that asked me where was some other people.”

Pieces of half forgotten research articles and apocryphal recounts drifted through , formulating a less than cohesive idea...but at least it was something.

McCoy went over to Kirk who was still lying motionless on the bed, his inactivity belying the chaotic activity of his brain. He shook  Kirk’s shoulder slightly, eliciting a flinch from him before his eyes snapped open and he struggled into a sitting position. He grimaced at the dimmed lights and put a hand over his eyes. “Bones, my head really, really hurts.”

“I know Jim and I’ll give you something in a few minutes, I just need to ask you a few questions.”

“O—okay.”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Kirk didn’t speak and instead groaned and held his head in his hands. McCoy tried again. “Jim this is really important. I need to know what you remember tonight right before you woke up with a headache, everything. Okay? In detail.”

“I don’t remember anything Bones, just some colours and people, maybe some sounds...it’s all blurred.”

“Okay, what colours and sounds, “

“I don’t know!  They didn’t make sense any fucking sense!.” Kirk opened his eyes and stared at McCoy, and pleaded. “My head feels like it’s splitting open.”

McCoy glanced back at the neural image floating in midair and saw it showed even more spikes in brain activity. He hesitated but then pushed farther. “Jim, you must remember something, what were the sounds, were they machines, people talking, what. Did you see people you knew?”

“I don’t know...wait, there was some images, of people and places, and one of....” Kirk broke off and grimaced and McCoy saw that his brain waves were spiking again. Finally Kirk gasped. “I can’t remember Bones.”

The image of Kirk’s brain was awash with colour. McCoy tried one last thing, he hated to do it but he needed Kirk to answer. He needed to push him far enough that he had some idea of what was going on. McCoy hardened his voice.  “You need to fucking remember something...you came close to killing us so you don’t get the god damn luxury of not remembering.”  He waited until Kirk looked back at him and hated the look of guilt in his eyes. “Do these phrases mean anything to you, Gaila says you were saying them before you attacked her. _The sacrifices of the many and the revolt of the few... the federation must fall”_

Kirk straightened up his hands falling away from where he had been holding his head. Flashes of memory were swirling through his mind. Abruptly, they stopped and the pain in his head suddenly was much worse. He twisted away from McCoy as the sharp throbbing in his head reached a crescendo and vomited over the side of the biobed. He straightened part of the way in between heaves and managed to gasp. “My head is killing me.” He would have screamed the words but he didn’t have the breath to. The pain was so bad he could barely see, he was vaguely aware of cool sensation on the side of his neck and a hiss before the pain began to ebb slightly.

In silence McCoy watched the display on the neural scan change. Flashes of colour coalescing in a pattern that was chaotic. He watched as Kirk settled back on the pillows as the tranquilizer and analgesic took effect. He glanced back to find his brain waves now diming down to somewhat normal. McCoy was still somewhat shocked by what had happened. The phrase he had repeated had been a trigger of some sort but for what he didn’t know. All he did know was that the brain activity which was already at least three times what was norm had quadrupled from that intensity in a matter of milliseconds and whatever it had done to Kirk hadn’t been good. His blood pressure and pulse had all spiked as well. Until McCoy had given him the hypo he had been in danger of simultaneously having a seizure, stroke and a heart attack. It was like he mind was in a war with itself and something or someone was trying to take over...

Gaila followed behind McCoy as examined the scan he had conducted over the last few minutes. As the time passed in silence she finally asked. “So, what’s going?”

McCoy looked up from where he was making notes on a data Padd and sighed. “At this point Gaila I really don’t know.”

/O\

“I’m fine Bones, really.” Kirk paused and concentrated on walking to avoid lurching into the wall.

“Jim, you can barely walk in a straight line, plus your scan looks like you—“ McCoy trailed off not wanting to say what he had been going to.

Kirk grimaced and glanced at McCoy sideways. “It looks like what.”

“Like you—uh—might have a concussion.” McCoy quickly turned away from Kirk’s questioning gaze. And hoped he didn’t realise the falseness his voice.  The scan of Kirk’s brain didn’t realise look like a concussion, a stroke, or anything he had ever seen really, as he had studied it he had compared it to various other brain scans for diseases and each time he had come up blank... the idea that he was beginning to form had been quickly refuted upon further study. It wasn’t just disassociation, it wasn’t just flashbacks...it was something more subtle and yet (he had a feeling) even worse.

“I probably hit my head when I was stunned.”

McCoy glanced over at Kirk realising he had spoken and stared blankly at him before responding. “Yeah—yeah you probably did.”

There was silence for a few moments before Kirk slurred. “Bones, about Gaila, I mean I believe what you said but, why can’t I remember it and...Why did I do it?

McCoy hesitated torn between telling the truth or at least giving Kirk a lie that wouldn’t have him even more messed up than he already was, because it certainly wasn’t reassuring to have your best friend and doctor tell you that you apparently randomly went crazy and might do so again at anytime with the right stimuli. McCoy settled on the lie. “Well you’ve gotten quite a few concussions over the past few weeks and that along with all that stuff you took a few days ago is a recipe for disaster, so it could be  post-concussion syndrome or something like that.”

Kirk obviously wasn’t feeling like his usual self or he would have called McCoy on the bullshit lie he was sure was evident by his voice. As he did was turn McCoy with a hopeless expression, and give McCoy a weak smile that didn’t quite make it to his eyes. “I guess I should probably lay off the liquor for a day or two then huh?”

“Yeah that would be a good idea.” McCoy couldn’t figure out what else to say and was spared from figuring it out by their arrival at his dorm room.

As he typed his code into the keypad, Kirk shifted nervously and then mumbled.  “Bones, this is really awkward, I can just go back to my own place.”

“Yeah, you could, but I’m going to watch you tonight okay.”

“I’ll be fine; you don’t need to watch me.”

McCoy sighed and paused in opening the door. “Jim, you have a concussion and tonight you—“ McCoy paused, and then changed what he had been about to say. “It’s best if—.”

“You think I’m going to go psycho all of a sudden right?”

McCoy swallowed sharply as Kirk stared at him accusatorily, through suddenly angry eyes made hazy by pain killers and days of compounded sleep deprivation. “Jim, I’m just trying to make sure nothing happens to you or anybody else for that matter.”

A muscle twitched in Kirk’s jaw but he didn’t protest as McCoy opened his door. His dorm room was deserted as he had expected.  McCoy tossed a blanket to Kirk who had already sat down on the slightly cluttered couch.  “Get some sleep, it’s—“ he faltered at the expression on Kirk’s face, the anger and coldly accusatory gaze cut through the words he would have said.

“I’m not a goddamn child Bones.” Kirk balled up the blanket McCoy had tossed him and threw it aside. “I have the whole fucking academy talking about me, hell the whole world probably by now.” McCoy watched as the anger grew on Kirk’s face and privately thought his words weren’t too far from the truth. Kirk continued growing more agitated. “They kicked me out of the command track, might as well have just expelled me if they were going to do that, I know that I’m not one-hundred percent. I know that. I keep having these flashbacks and I feel like shit—but I’m _trying_ and you’re not making this any better—“

“Jim, I—“

Kirk was yelling by now and reached out swiping a pile of dirty dishes and stacked Data Padds to the floor. “No! You keep treating me like I’m a child or some fucking time bomb about to explode! Everybody does and I’m sick of this shit. I’ll be fine but only if you all leave me the hell alone. Okay? So I don’t need  your shit and I’m leaving. You can fuck off and find somebody else to mother hen and fuck over.” Kirk stood up and started towards the door.

McCoy neatly cut in front of Kirk blocking the exit.

“Get out my way, Bones.”

“No” McCoy saw the way Kirk’s hand was clenching and unclenching and knew that whatever was restraining Kirk from attacking him was growing perilously thin. Unwanted the image of Kirk’s neural scan flickered back to him before, he forced his mind back to the present as Kirk narrowed his eyes and he started to speak again. McCoy cut him off, his voice was low and soothing, but unyielding, he didn’t want to say it but he did.  “Jim, you can walk out now, but you tried to kill Gaila tonight and you probably would have succeeded if she hadn’t stunned you. “ McCoy hated the way Kirk’s shoulders sagged as he was reminded of the night’s events but it was the only way. “So, I can let you go, but can you assure me that nothing else like this is going to happen? Can you really Jim? Because the only way you’re getting pass me otherwise is with security taking you to the academy brig.”

At those last words Kirk shoulders sagged even further, and all the fight went out of him. He didn’t even look at McCoy as he walked back to the couch. McCoy watched in surprised silence as he laid down and pulled the blanket over himself.  He had expected more of a fight but like a switch thrown the seeming anger had evaporated. McCoy dimmed the lights and settled in a chair at his desk, he grabbed a data Padd and pretended to study, so they both wouldn’t have to acknowledge that McCoy was only staying up for him. It was a thin facade that he knew Kirk saw through, but hopefully t made the whole thing maybe a little better.

There was silence for several minutes and McCoy had actually starting reading a few paragraphs on Orion respiratory infections when Kirk muttered. “What if you roommate comes back, won’t he want me gone?”

McCoy shrugged, “Probably, I don’t really care, God knows I’ve had to put up with enough of the dates that little shit likes to bring back.“

“Are you  planning on saying I’m a date Bones , because if so I’m going to have to veto that idea, you’re not my taste...” McCoy could just make out Kirk smirking in the dark, he seemed to get further inspiration and added. “This wasn’t a great start anyway drugging me with all those meds, is that what you do to all your dates? “

“Shut up.” McCoy growled but he wasn’t really angry.

There was silence for a few more minutes and Kirk’s breathing had slowed to the point that McCoy thought he was asleep. He was startled from the beginning of a half-doze by Kirk murmuring drowsily.

“Bones?”

“Yeah?”

“...Am I going crazy?”

McCoy didn’t speak for a few moments. He didn’t know what to say; the truth was something in between probably...sanity was a fine line and Kirk’s min was walking the tightrope.  Over the past few weeks Kirk had been having a severe reaction to, in the past it had been called PTSD, now more recent term  was a Severe Cumulative Stress Reaction. Kirk wasn't any better than he had been a few weeks ago in fact he was worse, and it was quite possible that it was all becoming too much. Based on his behaviour his grip on reality was becoming lost.  In fact if McCoy wasn’t his best friend and Kirk was his patient, he probably would have already had him forcibly admitted for an inpatient psychiatric stay and most likely anti-psychotics meds too. But Kirk was his friend and he couldn’t bring himself to admit him to a psych ward or recommend him for an eval again...not yet. Not when the last one had already caused so much trouble. And definitely not after everything that had happened to him over the past few days, it would have felt too much like betrayal. And god knew the Kirk didn’t need anyone else betraying him half the academy had already done just that.

The silence stretched until McCoy hoped Kirk had fallen asleep, but then his voice drifted back through the half-darkness. “Well am I?

“No, Jim you’re not.”

Kirk was silent for a few more seconds then asked. “Bones?”

“Yeah?”

“You’ll wake me up. If you know...’

Kirk trailed off. McCoy sighed knowing what he was asking; he had spent enough time around Kirk to know that nightmares in some form or another were a frequent occurrence. “Yeah, of course. Now get some sleep.”  Then he turned off the lights and settled down in a chair watching his friend. It was going to be another sleepless night, for the doctor.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter this update...why? Because this is a huge chapter and also because I wanted to let you all savour the shocking reveal...or not so shocking. IDK, tell me what you think.

**_London, Conference for Intergalactic Cultural Exchange 1000_ **

It was supposed to be some huge delegation of officials from at least thirty different planets. Along with the requisite officials and their entourage at least one hundred other prominent individuals ranging from athletes to performers had also managed to get an invite.

Car’ro sighed, he was bored as security for the event. You would have thought that he would have had more to do with their being multiple planetary heads and officials from intragalatic organizations. However, Starfleet had its own security officers in place and the normal security for the convention centre had all been temporarily demoted to lesser roles.

Still Car’ro couldn’t really complain. He would take an ordinary uneventful time to a life of excitement and adventure anytime. He knew from experience that excitement wasn’t always a good thing. In fact almost a decade ago he had had enough in his childhood to last him the rest of his lifetime. Watching at least forty people be summarily executed and being told you were one of the chosen and that’s why you were spared, and then living months half starved on a dying colony under the rule of a madman tended to do that to a person.

Car’ro glanced at the security monitors noting how tight-ass Starfleet officers were busy checking almost every person that so much as sneezed wrong, and then turned back to the holo monitor he was watching. It was a few hundred years since they had first started but day-time soaps hadn’t changed much. He flicked to a news channel and settled back to watch. Stock prices in shuttles were fluctuating, some miracle drug had been discovered in the Cantera sector, and the list of boring and endless minutiae continued parading past. Car’ro had all but tuned out the listings until a news clip about Tarsus IV caught his attention, apparently one of the Tarsus nine had been discovered. _Poor bastard_ Car’ro thought, he listened with interest to the story and then  abruptly froze as the clip ended and an old audio of what was supposedly Kodos began playing.

It was grainy and the audio quality was poor.  There were captions below the image but the words hardly seemed important...He stared at the screen unseeing....flashes of memory , sights, sounds, were streaming through his mind like a video on fast-forward. _It was a memory...he was a memory...pieces of him...how had he forgotten?  Car’ro faded away...and then **he** emerged stretching like a newborn finally freed after it’s cramped confines._

As the sound bit finished he got up. It was a short walk to the conference room where everybody was listening to some lecturer. A quick excuse got him through the doors and then he was in. He wove through the tables quickly, trying to find his target before he was stopped. The man turned toward him as he asked his name and then he had seconds to be surprised as he disintegrated from Car’ro’s phaser set to kill. Three more bolts of light lanced out with glaring accuracy and then with a final motion Car’ro raised his phaser and fired into his own chest.  The security guards that had been trying to reach him watched as he glowed with the phaser’s corona. In the milliseconds before his body molecularly disintegrated he had a small hint of satisfaction as he thought about how his actions would serve to further the plan. His sacrifice was necessary. _The sacrifices of the many and the revolt of the few_... the phrase was the last thought he ever had...he had served his purpose.

**_New York ... Short range Transporter terminal._ **

“Move along, move along.”

Lacy hitched her bag higher on her shoulder and glanced at the security officer moving towards her. She saw the mini phaser he had at his belt and was sure he was one of “them”.  Before he could reach her she slipped through the crowd settling on bench near the incoming terminal. She liked to watch the sparkles of light as passengers materialised. It all felt so hopeful, something from nothing.

_Like creation...something from nothing...Like god’s work._

_Not God’s work there isn’t a god, you know that? I’m right aren’t I?_

_Lacy knows what’s right without..._

“Shut up, shut up.” Lacy put her hands over her ears drowning out the voices repeatedly pestering her. She started rocking back and forth and humming as the voices grew louder, arguing back and forth.

A hand touched her shoulder causing her to flinch; she looked up seeing a woman in her late forties leaning near her. Lacy pulled her hands off her ears to hearing the woman’s voice mix with the others.

_Leave she’s one of them._

_He’s right it’s not safe here._

“Are you okay dear?”

_GET AWAY FROM HER!_

Lacy stood up barely remembering to grab her pack and raced away from the startled woman.

She dodged through the crowd until she arrived in the dim interior of a coffee shop, it was one of the ones’ at the outskirts of the Terminal and rarely frequented, plus coffee wasn’t as popular as it had once been.  She settled in the corner of a table. There was only a two people in the whole shop. A girl about her age in a corner watching the old Holo monitor projecting the news and the store owner behind the counter.

She was safe for now, the voices continued to talk but they were quieter this time, it was easier to ignore them. The atmosphere in the coffee shop was familiar and she hadn’t slept in days, she wanted to sleep but she feared she would be found if she did.

Her eyes grew heavier and heavier and then she was fast asleep.

She awoke to a soft voice above her. Instantly her eyes snapped awake, her hands moving towards her pockets for the small laser knife she had.

“Relax Lacy it’s just me.”

A young man was standing over her. She recognised him as one of the workers in the coffee shop. His name was...she tried to remember but couldn’t even though she had known him for several months now. Names...Times...those things were always hard to remember she couldn’t really concentrate on them enough to memorise them, because the voices were always interrupting.

The man settled down carefully across from her. And smiled sadly. “So what’s going on?”

“N-n-n-nothing...” She glanced around trying to avoid his gaze.  A man at a table nearby stood up causing his chair to set down with a loud thump. Lacy jumped at the sound, already half rising from her seat, ready to run.  Flashes of memory surged through her. _Standing in her school yard as solider divided the students and took one group away. She and the others were marched in another direction, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t hear the faint screams in the distance of the others as they started up._

“Lacy, it’s a customer.”

She glanced up trying to concentrate. Between the flashes of memories and the voices it was hard to think.

_Stop talking to him, he’s...._

_He’s not right._

“I l-l-like him.” Lacy said the words loudly drowning out the voices momentarily.  She blushed as she realised what she had said.

But the young man, Kevin—she remembered his name now—smiled a little more and glanced back at the middle aged-customer who was just exiting the shop. “Yeah, Mr. Peis is nice but isn’t he a little out of your age-range?” Kevin teased.

Lacy blushed even further. “N—n—n-not.... She broke off the sentences as she paused to listen to the voices.

Kevin was speaking but she couldn’t listen.  She shook her head clutching her knees and rocking back and forth as the voices reached a crescendo.

Finally Kevin stopped speaking and simply stared at her. She wasn’t aware of his gaze; instead she was watching the Holo monitor in the corner. The news was on, something about one of the Tarsus nine being discovered, the fragments of the news anchor were hard to keep track off, in between the voices already vying for her attention. An old degraded audio clip started playing and strangely everything faded away but the words.

_The start of a new revolution has begun...Challenges that we all must overcome...Sacrifices are necessary..._

 The clip stopped abruptly and the sound in the small shop seemed to come back like somebody had cranked up the volume.

Lacy stared around the shop, having no idea how she had gotten there. Ignoring the young man sitting at the table with her, she raced out.  The voices had disappeared and instead were replaced by one, that she was still she never had heard before but was strangely familiar.

 _Kodos._  He was disappointed with her, she hadn’t followed the plan, she was supposed to be a part of a new dawn and instead what had she done to further the plan?

The voice whispered in her ear, telling her what it wanted her to do. She shivered as she was forced to watch the images flashing across her mind. Somebody bumped into her and her eyes snapped open, she was standing in the middle of the transporter terminal, and people were swarming around her.

_Wasted beings, weak pitiful beings, Do they really deserve to be alive?_

The voice kept talking, its voice rising, until it was shouting, urging her to do what it wanted. People were stopping and moving towards her. Lacy remained unaware, kneeling in the middle of the terminal. Her hand shook as she slowly removed a knife from her pack.

_Good now, see that guard over there? He’s near the control beam for the main transporter, get to them and scramble the next beam._

Fifty people would be arriving in less than a few minutes that would never arrive at their destination.

“No!” Lacy had risen to her feet, somebody had reached her now, and they tried to grab her arm. But the hand was too slow; before the person could react she had brought the knife up to her own neck. Blood spurted out, spattering the crowd. The world tilted, she fell to the ground, her vision fading as horrified screams echoed in her ears

....But that was okay, because at least now, for the first time in years, the voices were blessedly silent....

Darkness closed in...Bringing a final silence.

**_New Horizon Mining ship: Deep Space_ **

“This is the fifth planet we’ve stopped off at that’s been strictly business” Lyons stabbed a bite of salad with his fork and shovelled it in his mouth.

His friend, Ichards grimaced at the motion but was used to his friend’ eating habits and instead of commenting on the lack of table manners answered. “Yeah, well Dilithium means profit and they don’t give a shit about keeping us happy in the process.”

“I’m not saying that they can’t get profits, but what’s the problem with mixing a little business with pleasure.”

“There’s a  more than a little pleasure on this ship” Ichards remarked as he glanced over Lyons shoulder.

Lyons turned to see where he was staring at and snorted. “If you mean Chelsea, I’ve seen people less cold when we were mining that time on the Ice planet a few sectors back.”

“Okay, maybe you’re right but she is nice on the eyes.” Ichard’s said still staring at the half-Argellian pilot.

“Whatever, I’m just saying this is the last time I sign up for this rig.”

“You said that the last three signups admit it the pay is to good.”

‘Pay’s no good if you can’t spend it.”

“Quit griping we’ve –“  Ichards abruptly broke off as Chelsea

“Mind if I sit here?”  Before either could respond she had placed her tray on the table and slid uncomfortably close to Lyons. She took a bite of her sandwich and then without preamble said. “So I heard what you guys were saying and I just want to set the record straight. I can be real warm with the right people, but sadly Ichards you who thinks that unless you’ve marked ever female from here to Alpha Centurai on you scorecard then you’ve lost, don’t count as the right people.”

“What? I was just saying—“

“Save it.”

Ichards turned to Lyons. “A little help here would be nice.” His friend didn’t even act like he had heard; his entire attention was focused on a news clip that was being broadcast across the screen.

Lyons attention had faded away from the bantering conversation and drifted far back as he glanced to the Holo screen in the corner of the mess hall and he caught the beginning of a news clip. His breath caught in his throat as he remembered what he had tried to forget almost a decade ago. He had just been a kid at that time, but he had been one of the chosen. His parents had been one of Kodos supporters and so he had been spared the mass execution and then systematic hunt for the remnants of survivors from among Kodos’ condemned. But even though he had lived and hadn’t directly been responsible for anything that had happened, he couldn’t forget the guilt he felt  at being chosen to live while thousands of others him were slaughtered because of a madman’s idea of what was right.

His parents hadn’t been brought to justice like so many others they had fallen through the cracks for justice, he refused to talk to them or anyone from back. And now after all that time it was coming back, even running far away into a deep space job, where civilization was light-years away at best hadn’t spared him from his past.  Lately it was even worse,  memories he thought he had forgotten were resurfacing and even worse were the nightmares.  Night after night he had been plagued by horrible dreams of killing, fighting and always during each and every dream was the memory of Kodos voice encouraging him. _The federation must fall..._

Lyons shook his head and forced himself to focus as the woman talked and pictures of Tarsus flashed by on the screen. Ichards and Chelsea both feel silent as they noticed the subject of the news feed. _One of the Tarsus Nine has revealed his identity Starfleet San Francisco Academy cadet James T. Kirk , son of the famous George Kirk. Starfleet refuses to confirm whether Kirk’s statements are true but he claims to have seen Kodos and actually heard the man’s original speech before his mass execution of almost a thousand people on the doomed colony Tarsus IV. Few remains of actual evidence have been disclosed by Starfleet, and they claim to have no actual audio that is recognizable from Kodos. However a leaked audio, appears to give us a glimpse at Kodos as he actually was. Please note that the voice you hear has been digitally reconstructed but is still very distorted and we cannot account of that accuracy of the words 100%. Also the speech is largely fragmented due to the severe denigration of the original source. We warn you that some subject matter that you are about to hear may be disturbing to younger viewers...._

_By order of the Governor of Tarsus IV you are to be put to death....._

_....I take no pleasure in what must be done, but on the path to a better Galaxy there will be losses..._

_...We must each sacrifice, the weak must be cast away, and the strong shall remain...._

_....This policy of the inclusion of all has weakened the federation...for every flock to flourish the unnecessary must be culled to make room and allow the others to grow even stronger..._

_Your deaths are just the beginning; the federation will fall and must. Success will be gained, with the sacrifices of the many and the revolt of the few, by such mechanisms greatness will be achieved..._

“What you just heard was the original audio from a speech that is reported to have been made to a group of condemned individual’s right before they were executed. I –“

Lyons felt like his head was splitting. He slumped forward holding it in his hands, memories were alternating, and fragments of the speech were swirling through his mind. Abruptly he straightened up, his sudden headache was gone. He stood up, ignoring his friends questioning glances.  When one of them asked where he was going he replied, the answer was hastily constructed and wouldn’t have stood up to any long scrutiny however at this point all he needed was a few minutes. His walk was controlled as he exited the mess hall. He answered the friendly remarks of the unfamiliar crew that he passed in the halls, but he was focused on what he had to do.

Ichards and Chelsea glanced at each other as Lyons walked away. He ignored the question they directed at him like he hadn’t even heard.

“Okay that was weird.” Chelsea said as Lyons disappeared through the mess hall door.

Lyons made his way to the environmental controls and crept up behind the tech who was half-asleep in his chair reading a data padd. He glanced up as Lyons approached.”Hey, you what are you doing down here? Rusty decided to spread the boredom around? I—“ The man stopped mid-sentence as Lyons broke his neck. The techs body sagged in his seat. Lyons dumped the body to the ground and then overrode the controls locking himself in the control room. Carefully he selected the dials that would lower the oxygen levels throughout the ship. Then he sat back and waited. In less than ten minutes everybody on the ship would be unconscious and by the time anybody realised what was happening it would be too late. In twenty minutes they all would be dead.

Lyons settled back to wait. He had plans to make. The ship was carrying large cache of dilithium; it was enough fuel for several ships. He knew what he needed to do: find the others, and make contact. Then they could proceed with the plan. He flicked on the security feeds throughout the ship, watching as his crewmates began stumbling and collapsing. Briefly he lingered on the security feed of the mess hall and watched Ichards and Chelsea collapse. He briefly felt a twinge of guilt that was quickly washed away.

A phrase suggested itself easing his discomfort. _The federation must fall._

/O\

Kirk woke with a strangled gasp. His shirt was sticking to his back, with cold tacky sweat. His head was throbbing dully and he couldn’t remember what he had been dreaming but whatever it had been he knew it couldn’t have been good. His heart was hammering away in his chest like he had just ran a marathon and he had the familiar feeling of equal parts desperation and fear that he had come to associate with memories of Tarsus. 

He stared around the vaguely familiar surroundings trying to figure out where he was. A snore to his left had him twisting to the side. His eyes fell on McCoy who was fast asleep, slumped over at his desk. The events of the night quickly made their way back, leaving embarrassed resignation lingering.

The small dorm room was dim, just outside the curtains Kirk could see it was still night. He couldn’t have slept more than two or three hours at most. Exhaustion was still tugging at his eyelids, but he didn’t dare go back to sleep.

He may not have remembered the nightmare that had awakened him, but the panic and sheer terror he had felt on awakening was enough to deter him from any further attempts to sleep.

Kirk stood and stretched. His entire body ached and the movement only served to remind him of all the minor injuries he had received over the past few days and the lingering headache threatening to swamp him again in a haze of blinding pain. Briefly Kirk considered waking McCoy up and asking for some more painkillers but he couldn’t bring himself to intrude on what was probably the only real sleep the doctor had gotten in the past few days.

Kirk sat back down and stared out into the darkness, listening to McCoy breathe and trying to keep his own mind free of the memories trying to flood his consciousness. It was a hard task considering that even when he managed to hold his past at bay, then his present came rushing back in an unpleasant melange of the last few weeks.  He didn’t want to remember reading the assignment on Tarsus in Relik’s class and the resultant response. He definitely didn’t want to remember standing in front of the academy council as the voted to have him removed from command track or McCoy telling him he had almost killed Gaila.

Eventually the inactivity became too much. He felt like he was going crazy just sitting there trying not to think. The promise he had made to McCoy to stay in the room suddenly seemed overwhelmingly unimportant as compared to the need to move and go somewhere...anywhere else. Kirk crossed to where McCoy was sleeping and grabbed his friend’s data Padd. Feeling half guilty, he scrawled a note “going for a walk.” and dropped the Padd back on the desk. He was about to turn around when he noticed a mostly full bottle of alcohol sitting on the edge of the desk. An empty glass with the remnants whiskey was resting next to McCoy’s hand.

McCoy’s admonishments about how he should lay off the alcohol because he had a concussion seemed insignificant in light of the fact that Kirk needed—wanted to forget. With an even guiltier feeling he grabbed the bottle and took a long swig. Then he capped it and stowed the container in his pocket as he turned back towards the door.

Kirk knew he shouldn’t be leaving but he couldn’t take it any longer. He hated being treated like he was crazy.  And no matter how McCoy claimed that wasn’t the reason he was watching him like a bomb about to explode, the doctor’s comments couldn’t dispute the fact that you didn’t keep a person who you recognised as a sane person under watch, even while they were sleeping. It was humiliating. The lack of trust was degrading.  And Kirk had had enough.

He was just going for a walk. A few minutes to clear his head was all he wanted, it shouldn’t have been such a god-damn big deal. But Kirk knew if McCoy awoke the doctor wouldn’t see it that way. And that was why Kirk had no intention of letting him know.

Anyway, he half-way didn’t believe what McCoy had told him. It wasn’t that he thought his friend was lying to him deliberately, but he was sure McCoy had to at least have got it partially wrong. He couldn’t imagine himself holding a phaser on Gaila or threatening to kill her. The whole situation made no sense...everything was starting to make less sense.  He couldn’t account for the gaps in his memory, and he couldn’t understand the increasing feeling  like he was slowly losing his grip on reality.

With a slightly hesitant glance at McCoy, Kirk crossed to the door and left the dorm room.  The walk through Nimitz hall was quiet. The rest of the dorm was sleeping through the dead of the morning. Nimitz hall was technically locked down, and it was way past curfew. But the security was easily circumvented and then Kirk was out into the cool night air.

His feet started walking without any real goal.  He needed to feel a semblance of normality . After all these years everything he had tried to hide and forget was exposed. All the facades he had thrown up were broken. It left him feeling vulnerable and that was something he never wanted to feel again. That was something he had thought he had left behind on Tarsus years ago. Only now it was back and it felt like his reality.

Kirk glanced around surprised to find himself nearing the faculty residences. That was the last place he wanted to be . He didn’t want to see the smug looks on some of his professors face or the pity on others. And he certainly didn’t want to run into Professor Relik.  The memory of the man’s face as he had called him out in class made him want to strangle the man. He started to turn way, but even as he resumed walking he couldn’t forget the self-satisfied look the man had worn as he heard that Kirk was one of the Tarsus nine...It wasn’t surprise but more like the man had wanted confirmation of what he already knew.

But that was impossible; Kirk shook his head trying to rid himself of the errant thought. Nobody knew the identity of the Tarsus 9 but the highest officials, that had been safest, that had been the agreement.

Kirk paused thinking, the time after he had got off Tarsus was jumbled. Truthfully he didn’t want to remember it. He had been a mess then, starved, half-crazy, almost barely human. Most of the memories he was sure he had repressed over the years but some small fragments of memories were begging to come forth. It was like an itch in his mind that he couldn’t scratch.

He felt a surge of pain in his head and doubled over with agony. _He was sitting in a briefing room, surrounded by offices. They were asking him over and over again questions about what he had saw, what had happened, who he had seen in Kodos compound and he didn’t want to tell. He didn’t want to remember. But the questions continued, over and over until he gave them what they wanted...anything so they would stop staring at him and talking in loud rushed voices, like insects swarming over a piece of meat._

Kirk remembered telling them something and the hushed response that had flowed from everyone present. It hadn’t meant anything then, just that finally he got a few moments of blessed silence. Now that small piece of information seemed like it was desperately important. He felt like he had to remember...His head was hurting worse than before, he was drenched in more sweat and still shaking but the memory was just out of his reach. Quiet footsteps slowly cut into near silence and Kirk opened  his eyes. A search of the darkness revealed nobody at first but Kirk straightened up, eyes searching the

A young women came into view. She was dressed in a cadet’s uniform, and had a deliberate controlled walk like she was on a mission. Kirk watched her closely; there was something familiar about her that he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

She continued crossing the courtyard and then glanced back over her shoulder. She paused for just the tiniest of seconds before hurrying on. It could have been just a startled gaze at finding somebody else out so late at night but something was off about the whole thing. She had recognised him.

It couldn’t be....not after all these years... she should have died. He thought she _had_ died. A cloud of uncertainty seemed to engulf him. Kirk was almost positive he was just chasing ghosts and yet...he started after her.

The young woman was moving faster now....but Kirk overtook her and reached out grabbing her shoulder and spinning her around to face him.  The colour drained from his face as he recognised her. It was a face from his nightmares.

The woman reacted by attempting to break his grip but Kirk had been expecting it and he easily caught her arms holding her still.

His eyes searched her face .“Lenore.”

The woman’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly before she was pushing his hand away. “Who? You have the wrong person. Now let go of me before...”

“No, it’s you...a few years older but your face, I can’t forget it.” Kirk unconsciously shivered as he remembered the role she had played at her father’s behest. He couldn’t forget the stark betrayal he had felt when he found out that she was just one of the many lies used in an attempt to get what her father wanted.

“I’m telling you. You have the...”

“No!” Kirk shook her, surprising himself. He could feel familiar anger bubbling at the surface as he stared into eyes he had come to know well and to love...and fear.  He brushed her hair way from her neck and in the dim light could just see the scar marring the side. He was positive it was her then, because he was the one who had made the small mark. “You’re Lenore...you think I can forget what you looked like or what you did?”

 Kirk’s jaw tightened and Lenore met his eyes. He saw her denials fade as she saw he knew. The woman’s face changed abruptly as she dropped all pretence. “That was a long time ago James...”

The use of his name sent a shiver down Kirk’s spine. “It’s Jim...and time doesn’t change what you did.”

“I was barely more than a child, you were a child...neither of us had a choice.”

“You didn’t have to...”

Her voice hardened laced with anger. “You think I could _disobey_ what my father ordered? He was consumed by his vision if I had defied him then he wouldn’t have hesitated to rid himself of me also.”

“So you sacrificed others.”

 “Listen to me. I had no more choice than you did.”

A thought occurred to Kirk and he blurted out. “So what are you doing here, and don’t tell me you’ve enrolled in Starfleet.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. This institution is more flawed than you know.”

“That wasn’t the question.”

“My affairs are my own business...”

Kirk cut her off—“If you’re alive than is your father also?”

“Whether or not he is alive isn’t important, what is...is that his work and vision stays alive through his followers.”

“So there’s more of those bastards around too?”

“When you cut the head off a plant you don’t destroy it... the roots remain and grow stronger than ever until the plant takes over again.” She answered cryptically.

“Well they’re going to have to plot this great takeover without you.” Kirk tightened his grip and reached in his uniform intending to grab his comm. and call security.

Lenore placed a hand over his stopping his movements as she spoke. “James...listen to me my father was wrong about some things but overall he was right.”

“He was right? He ordered the death of 4000 people, including me!”

“That was necessary.”

“Why!”

“To get people to realise... the federation isn’t some sort of generous entity, it’s greedy and weak at its core and set to implode. It’s no greater or holier than the people it claims to be better than. Starfleet is even worse they can’t even protect the ones they are charged with where were they during Tarsus? Or the Kelvin? Ganjitsu?”

“I’m not listening to this shit!”

“Because you know I’m right.” Lenore leaned closer staring into his eyes.”Tell me Jim, when they found out you were one of the Tarsus 9, how did Starfleet react? Did they accept your confession and treat you as you deserved or did they condemn you for letting the truth and their failures be known? Are you now honoured as a hero or treated as a pariah?”

“It’s n-not...”

Lenore cut into his words off, pressing a finger against his lips. “Shhhh...Just tell me, do you think it’s a coincidence you’re no longer in command track?”

Kirk’s mouth was dry and he found he couldn’t speak as he stared into Lenore’s eyes. Her breath was hot on his face and she leaned even closer until their bodies were pressed against each other. “James, you can join us and help achieve something truly great. It was a mistake to have you on the list of the condemned, we have long seen that...but all that can change... help us make the change that everybody needs...Join me.”

Lenore let her lips brush his jaw line and her hands eased their way from his grip to grasp his shoulders pulling him closer. Her eyes didn’t leave his and Kirk was simultaneously repulsed and enthralled by her. Before one emotion could win over the other, her lips were against his ...and it felt right. He couldn’t stop himself from staring into her eyes as she deepened the kiss. Her hands drifted lower and he just wanted to go with it and forget all the reasons why this was all so wrong. She was tugging at his uniform and he didn’t stop her as she started to undo the fastenings. She pushed up his shirt and slid her hand along his body. He felt himself growing hot and hard at her touch as his body responded...he wanted to pull away but instead of dragging his hands from where she was steering them towards her hips he pulled her closer.

He kissed her deeper and her teeth grazed his lips, the coppery taste of blood lingered in his mouth. And abruptly he was reminded of earlier...when it had been just him and Gaila. The memory was foggy and blurred and he seemed to remember arguing and a phaser. Pain spiked through his head worsening the headache which had started to abate.

Kirk pulled away from Lenore’s grasp like a drowning man searching for air. “Stop...I know what you’re trying to do...It’s not going to work.”

Lenore’s eyes were gleaming, her tone innocent and almost silky sweet. “What do you mean?”

“All the little games you liked to play— you and your bastard father. The stuff you did to try to make me tell you what you wanted... All that shit about to really feel pain you had to know pleasure...what kind of sick twisted person uses his own daughter like that.”

Lenore’s eyes narrowed. “My father was not sick or twisted. He was a genius trying to save us all. The federation will fall and without his work we will be at the mercy of everyone else. We’re not waiting for the coming storm we’re meeting it on our own terms. Secondly...we never wanted to force you to tell us... that wasn’t the goal...the goal was to break you, to make you tell us of your own volition. If we wanted instant compliance that would have been a simple as few seconds.”

Kirk’s stared uncertainly at her. “W-what d you mean?”

“Why don’t you see for yourself...you wanted to know why I was here tonight...how about I let you participate?”

“I will never do anything you or any of your father’s people want me to.”

“You don’t have a choice.” Lenore spoke with a certainty that was chilling. Kirk didn’t take his eyes off her as he reached for his comm unit but before he could make a call, knocked his hands away.

She moved to kick his legs out from under him but he was ready for it. They were evenly matched it seemed, but Kirk got the upper hand after a few seconds and flipped her on her back. She grabbed him at the last moment pulling him down so he landed on top of her. Their eyes met and he stared at her uncertainly, his comm. was within reach but he didn’t immediately go for it. Lenore stared up at him; her eyes weren’t filled with anger or hatred but with a quiet conviction.

“James, it doesn’t have to be like this.”

“Shut up!”

Kirk pushed himself off her and rose to his knees. Lenore sat up still watching him. There was silence except for their breaths.

She began again, softly. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “You know why you’re not calling right now...because you want to know...you want to know why you’re alive.”

Kirk laughed mirthlessly. “That’s the best you can do? Really, because a simple biology lesson already—“

“That’s not what I meant. My father could have gotten what he wanted and killed you within a few minutes...but it was days and days...why were you allowed to live that long?”

“Because your father was a sick sadistic bastard!”

“No” Lenore shook her head, wiping away a trickle of blood from her split lip. “You were never supposed to be killed ...he only wanted to erase what you already were...to break you... and allow what you really were to rise from the ashes.”

Lenore leaned closer and Kirk didn’t move to stop her. He was too busy remembering the past to focus on the present. “James, he only wanted a blank canvas...”

“Why?” Kirk couldn’t keep the pleading quality as he remembered what Kodos had done...and suddenly the torture all seemed to have a new sickening quality.

“Because that’s the only way he could build something new....” Lenore leaned even closer until she was inches away from his face and he could feel her breath hot on his neck. Her voice was entrancing and revolting like the scent of a rotten flower.

“What?”

“You’re the start of a new generation James... you’re amazing James...” Lenore lips touched the side of his neck in and he felt her fingers slide up into his hair. Her breathe tickled his ear as she whispered. “Let me tell you what you are.” She raised her hands bringing her fingers up to his temples “Let me show you.” Then she was speaking, the words weren’t important...the words faded away and his mind was suddenly awash with stimuli. The seemingly random information seemed to awaken something in him. Like a desire he already had, but had never known. They filled him with purpose and he let himself go. Because suddenly it all seemed so unimportant compared to what he had ahead of him. Lenore’s lips touched his own and he didn’t resist.  All the confusion and pain was gone...

He was a new person. He was what he was intended to be.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter this update because, Gen chem is quite tough and I wanted to break up the main events of the next two chapters because I feel like reading them together distracts from the overall experience. 
> 
> Stuff is getting really serious now, after this chapter there is no going back.

Relik was settling down to sleep. He had been up late that night putting things in order for his interview tomorrow. The Tarsus IV assignment had started as a way to incite a minor rebellion on his part, a way for the mindless Starfleet cadets to see how horrible the institution they were joining actually was. He had never intended to have so much of  the truth about Tarsus revealed....he had never expected to read a unsanitized version of Tarsus from one of the Tarsus Nine.

The current situation had the potential to be a disaster and  destroy all he had worked for.  People were taking a new look at the events of over a decade ago and it was only a matter of time before his past sins came to light.

 In his younger days Relik had been a part of Kodos group, enthralled by the man’s ideas of a new dawn, of power and control, no longer living in fear of the Romulans or the Klingons. The Kelvin incident had shown how truly fragile the federation was but Kodos had shown how to destroy that weakness and build up something that would not only make a level playing field for humans but to also ensure domination. It was heady and intoxicating....and yet when the plans for Tarsus IV was laid out Relik had turned tail and ran. It wasn’t that he no longer believed in the vision but he had been too scared to follow through. Now, if anybody ever found out...he would pay.

Kirk may have refused to give interviews but people were still interested in knowing what had happened and Relik as the teacher, who had issued the assignment that led to the whole reveal, was in a perfect place to give those answers.  He was also in the perfect place to displace any suspicion about him before it started. After he talked with the media he planned on visiting Kirk. He was sure that with a little persuasion he could convince the young man to recant parts of his story and amplify others. Any hints of suspicion would be displaced from Relik and the full range of Starfleet’s activities in the events of Tarsus would be known

Kirk would comply or else.

Relik had a few well-placed sources  who would reveal events from Kirk’s time before Starfleet that if known would not only mean the end of any future career in Starfleet but also one or two prison sentences and possibly even death.  And if the federation didn’t prosecute several other races would be more than happy to deliver a little off the record justice of their own, the kind that ended with a disruptor shot in the gut and an hour with an Orion who had a grudge.

Relik wasn’t even sure Kirk had recognised it, but beneath the somewhat meandering paper presented there was a clear cut pattern to the events that pointed to Starfleet’s involvement. The news if released would shatter Starfleet; the entire institution would be discredited. And Starfleet was the backbone of the federation, with Starfleet’s fall the entire precarious tower that was the Federation  would begin to crumble. In some ways Relik was still loyal to the cause. He just wasn’t willing to risk his own neck. That was the difference between him and Kodos faithful followers, Relik wasn’t going to die for his beliefs. No that was what he had other people for.

A chime sounded at his door and Relik suppressed an irritated sigh. It was late and any students attempting to ask about grades or such shouldn’t have even been allowed in. Still that didn’t stop some from hacking into resident halls or making fake ident cards.

He glanced at the identification code displayed on the screen and was shocked.  A few second later he had rearranged his features and keyed open the door, already running over what he would say...thinly veiled threats and persuasion in equal measure.

The cadet standing in front of him had clothes that were slightly dishevelled and the faint odour of alcohol was wafting off him. His face was neutral and his eyes slightly glazed, probably drunk Relik decided. That was in his favour, it would make it all the more to manipulate him. Relik was nothing if not a skilled interrogator, and that was something he had learned not from working as an ambassador but long before.

“Come in Mr. Kirk.”

Kirk strode in silently. Something was different about him, Relik picked up on that but  it hardly mattered. Who wouldn’t be after everything that had happened the past few days?  “So what brings you here?—“ He broke off as he heard footsteps behind him and Kirk stared past him.

Relik turned around and saw that instead of the door shutting behind him a woman  had followed them in. “Excuse me...-who are you?”

The woman smiled, but the expression didn’t reach her eyes. “I think you already know.”

Her face was familiar but in the way of someone who you hadn’t seen in years was still memorable.  Something told him he didn’t want to know. He forced his voice to be steady and firmly said. “I don’t and I’m going to—“

She stepped farther in allowing the door to shut behind her. “What’s wrong you look like you’ve seen a ghost” She gave a carless shrug. “Though that’s what most people would assume I am, but come on you should know better, I’m kinda hurt you don’t recognise me.”

Relik gasped and stumbled as his legs grew weak, the memories clicked. She should have been dead—was dead—had died so many years ago.  His throat was dry as he whispered. “Little Nora—Oh, my god...”

“God has nothing to do with this, try two illegal clones and an excellent escape plan.”

She walked closer and Relik unconsciously backed up. “By the way it’s Lenore now...I’ve grown up.”

Relik took another step backwards and found himself collapsing into the sofa behind him as his knees gave way. “This can’t be happening...what are you doing here?” His face paled as he realised the answer to his question...if she was alive...then her father was too...and Kodos had never been known to forgive.

Lenore smiled even broader. “I had something to ask...you see your little assignment wasn’t the best thing for us, because James here opened up a whole can of worms at the wrong time.”

Relik glanced at Kirk who was observing the entire conversation impassively. “Does he know who you are?”

Lenore reached over to Kirk and trailed a hand down his arm. “Me and him know each other very well, don’t we James.” She leaned closer, one eye fastened on Relik as she sought Kirk’s lips. Relik watched as they kissed, when Lenore broke away, Kirk didn’t react except to turn his eyes on Relik. There was something cold and alien in his features, like another person in the same body.

“What did you do to him?”

Kirk answered instead of Lenore. “She let me remember who I am.”

Relik didn’t even try to decipher that statement.  “What’s going on? W-w-what are you two planning?” His voice shook as he added. “Are you here to kill me?”

Lenore laughed and reached out running a finger down his face. He shivered at her touch. “Now why would you think that? Maybe because you’re a snivelling coward who betrayed us all...”

“That-that wasn’t—“

Lenore over talked him. “Or maybe because you’re still too self-absorbed to get the big picture. You don’t know how hard these last few years have been. We were forced to run, to hide, with only a few half loyal followers while the rest of you ran back to the federation for protection and forgiveness...like weasels that need to die. “ Relik looked like he was about to be sick.

Lenore laughed again mirthlessly. “Relax, we’re just here to ask a question...answer it right and maybe we won’t have to do anything too awful...” She patted his arm condescendingly.

“ I’ll let James do the honours” Lenore glanced at Kirk and gave a nod of her head.

“ We know you’re planning on contacting the media and discussing your assignment and Kirk’s essay. However you’re  in direct contradiction of our plans. We don’t want people looking to closely at Tarsus IV now, we don’t want Starfleet’s full involvement to be known and we don’t care whether you are exposed as a former supporter.  Kirk spoke like he was reading off a script; his voice was even and neutral.

Lenore leaned forward. “I was sent here to neutralise both threats. So we need this to all be swept away, nobody believes Kirk, nobody believes you. ”

Relik glanced uncertainly at the two young people standing in front of him and stammered uncertainly. “Yes, yes, of course, whatever you want.”

“Wrong answer.” Lenore said. Her eyes gleamed reminding him of how she had looked as little girl.

“What, I just agreed—“

“ We’re not quite ready for people to know about the others in Starfleet yet. So, this is what’s going to happen.  The story that will come out you as a former supporter of Kodos cooked up this elaborate story with Kirk to destabilize Starfleet. He’s crazy— insane and wrongly blames them for what happened on Tarsus IV.  You saw a way to make a little money with the potential photo ops and media appearances and Kirk was supposed to get a cut. But now things are getting a little out of hand , you’re worried people will find out about your involvement . So when Kirk comes to your office tonight you try to force him to take the blame for making up the story and in a fit of anger and psychosis...” She paused like she was going to reveal a big secret and then stage-whispered. “He kills you.”

Relik glanced at Kirk he hadn’t reacted to what Lenore had said except to calmly pull a laser knife out his pocket. “Kirk If you do this you’ll be committing murder—”

“That’s the plan professor.”

“If you’re caught, you’ll be imprisoned for the rest of---“

“I don’t think so.”

Relik glanced away from Kirk who was holding the knife and now watching Lenore like he was waiting for a cue. The professor asked her. “What did you do to him?”

“I’ll tell you since in a few seconds you’ll be too busy screaming to warn anybody else. Remember the last project you worked on with us? James and about four-thousand others were a part of it. We never quite finished the final stage with him, but this is the end products of Beta stage II....very promising don’t you think? And all across the federation more are awakening; my father lives on in so many ways.”

Relik felt his horror grow as he stared at Kirk.  He backed away stammering. “Now listen to me. I-I’m a professor at this academy. T-this is wrong!”

Kirk moved forward. His voice was calm, reasonable. “Consider yourself a sacrifice for the revolution.”

Relik didn’t get a chance to speak, before the blade lanced down slicing into his flesh. He screamed watching as blood welled out the gash in his arm. He was only vaguely aware of Lenore grinning as she  turned on the sound dampeners in the room, before his entire consciousness was consumed in pain.

/O\

  Uhura gave a silent groan as she heard her roommate enter and realised the lurid, detailed and excited story  that would follow.

Uhura turned over and muttered sleepy “Details in the morning Gaila or preferably never.” She had started to turn back over and pulled her pillow over her head mumbling. “I don’t need nightmares.”

Usually Gaila would have laughed and flicked on the light, all the while bouncing with energy and beginning to go into a long and raunchy diatribe about her latest conquest until Uhura threatened to switch dorm mates if she kept it up. That was the first thing that was noticeably wrong, Gaila was much too quiet.  And second thing out of place was how Gaila was back much too early compared to the time she usually spent with her date of the night. The mumbled “okay” from Gaila was enough to send Uhura’s senses on overdrive, plus the hoarse way she spoke like she had been crying was a red flag.

Uhura sat up and flipped the lights on, before Gaila had even got fully through the door. The other woman had her back to her and was slipping out of a slightly too big cadet uniform that obviously wasn’t her own. She spoke in that same hoarse voice without turning around to face Uhura, “Ny you can turn the lights out I can see well enough in the dark.”

“No it’s fine.”

Uhura waited for Gaila to turn around but she seemed to be avoiding her gaze.  Uhura asked,. “What’s wrong.”

“Nothing.”

Uhura didn’t speak instead she stood up and crossed to Gaila intending on making her look her in the face and then she stopped at halfway turning her around because Gaila was crying, silent tears streaking down her face. That shocked Uhura more than anything, because Gaila did not cry for almost anything. And now twice in about two days she was bawling and Uhura was willing to bet she knew who the culprit was once again.

Silently she cursed the arrogant prick as she asked. “. What did he do?”

“Nothing.”

Uhura narrowed her eyes and as Gaila stretched her arms over her head and begin to pull  her shirt off, Uhura saw darkened areas on Gaila’s neck like bruises. “What are those?”

Gaila almost comically inclined her head like she was attempting to see her neck and then gave a false laugh that came across more sad than sarcastic. “Come on Uhura, don’t tell me I have to explain all of your human love practises to you. “ Gaila rolled her eyes and pulled her shirt on.  But the effect was ruined by the tear streaks still marring her face and her expression.

“I’m going to bed.” she announced to Uhura, going around Uhura’s attempt to put an arm around her. As Gaila settled down. Uhura sat down  on her bed next to her catching the Orion’s girl’s gaze.

“I know what you want me to think those are but it’s kind of hard to when they’re in the pattern of fingers on your throat and you come in here crying and your voice hoarse.”

“It’s nothing” Gaila had glanced away. McCoy told her not to tell what had happened in the library and since she really didn’t want to get Kirk in trouble, because somehow she sensed that even though it had been—it really  hadn’t been him trying to kill her. Somehow that scared her more...because if that wasn’t Kirk who was doing this then what was going on. His emotions had felt alien and yet it was the same body.

“Bullshit Gaila!” Gaila’s eyes widened, Uhura rarely used Terran curses words. Uhura continued. “I know that you went looking for Kirk and I bet you probably found him so what did that ass do?”

Gaila decided to go with some of the truth. She bit back the tears that were threatening to surge forth and spoke. “He just got a little rough, that’s all.”

“Was he drunk? High? Because Gaila I keep telling you those bad boy types are a recipe for disaster.”

“I don’t think he was ...anyway it’s not that bad he was just kinda of rough and I don’t mind—“

“Then why were you crying.”

“It just wasn’t a good night.” Uhura tried to coax more information from her but finally she gave up and they both fell into fitful slumbers.

/O\

His head was throbbing, so bad he felt like if he moved it even slightly he was going to puke. That was the first sensation, the next was how his body ached, and his head was a swirling mass of dizziness. He felt hung over—actually he felt worse than hung-over.

 He opened his eyes found himself staring out at grey tile and a metal support of some kind.  A coppery smell was in his nostrils and flecks of blood seemed to be on his lips and in his mouth. His stomach churned at the metallic taste and a mouthful of bile spilled over his lips. He moved his head trying to figure out where he was and his stomach protested at the movement by having him gag up a few more mouthfuls of acid.

Flashes of something were being played out in his mind like a fragmented puzzle. They were slowly fading but he heard screaming, and smelt the fresh odour of spilt blood, his body felt the warm touch of another’s lips against his own, and he was holding a knife enjoying the feel as it sliced through skin and bone, _finally free after so long_...his headache surged again and the memories were lost in a tidal wave of pain. 

 After a few moments of deep breaths, the nausea and dizziness had faded slightly. He gingerly tried to push himself up ad found his hands touching a sticky substance. His cheeks also seemed to be covered in it as he felt his face leave the tile. He sat up; he wasn’t too surprised with the circumstances. It wouldn’t be the first time he had collapsed unconscious in a pool of what he expected was his own vomit. He must have drunk a lot because he couldn’t seem to remember anything much except slipping out McCoy’s dorm room and wandering out into Nimitz hall’s courtyard.  He blinked to clear the blurriness from his eyes and glanced down. His breath caught in his throat as he noticed the dried brownish-red stain coating his hands. His clothes were slightly damp with the same colour.

His heart was pounding in his chest as he processed it all...he was in a bathroom somewhere, covered in blood that he suspected was not his own.

_What had he done?_

Kirk got unsteadily to his feet, fighting the pounding headache and nausea and realised he was in a bathroom. He unsteadily crossed to a mirror and stared at his face. His cheeks had smears of what he was beginning to suspect was blood. Even his hair had flecks of it.  His skin was paper white underneath the rusty colour. With trembling hands he raised his shirt searching for an injury to explain the blood. His skin was bruised but otherwise unmarred. Before he could check over more of his body, he heard a door opening and voices; he had just enough presence of mind to think of what would happen if he was seen like this.

He slipped out the other door and was somewhat startled to find himself in a corridor of what he recognised as Nimitz hall. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but he had no memory of coming back here. He began stumbling down the hall. His head was still aching like somebody had stunned him multiple times. He had made it halfway down the hall, when a door opened and a young woman stepped out. She was still dressed in pyjamas and rubbing sleep out of her eyes. She barely glanced at him as she mumbled “Morning.” Then she seemed to register what she had seen because instead of continuing past him, she gave a shriek and her eyes widened. She backpedalled toward her closing dorm door and pointed with a shaking finger. “Is that blood? It’s everywhere. What—“   


She seemed to decide it was in her best interest to get away from him and Kirk saw her grabbing her comm. as she darted back into her dorm room. Kirk was starting to feel even more panicked himself. He couldn’t begin to think what to do... He stumbled down the rest of the hall and wound up in a more familiar section of the dorm.

 _McCoy_....His dorm room was near. The thought was like a lifeline...He just had to get to the doctor and his friend would know what to do...Bones could fix it all.

 A few steps farther down the hall and he pressed the call button on the door he was in front of. His hands were shaking too badly to type in the code.  He leaned against the door frame his legs trembling too much to be a reliable support.

The door opened and a sleepy McCoy answered the door. The doctor stared at him for a full quarter of a minute, all the colour draining from his face. Then he grabbed him as he started to fall forward. “What the hell happened?”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the good vibes guys. I posted this chapter right after the authors notes because to delete the author notes and then add this chapter would not trigger an update email I think. So I'll let the chapter hang out for a bit and then a few hours later delete the authors notes. Hope you all enjoy.

McCoy woke up to the sound of somebody at his door. He opened his eyes and growled out. “I’m coming.” He was halfway across the room, before he noticed the couch where Kirk had been sleeping was deserted. Automatically his heart quickened. Kirk missing was not a good sign, McCoy hadn’t meant to fall asleep but after days of sleep deprivation that was pretty much out of his control. Still…McCoy quickly bit off the thoughts threatening to flood his mind…he didn’t know anything was wrong yet…no need to worry.  He briefly weighed the likelihood of his friend having left versus having gone to the bathroom or something, before he decided he would figure that out after seeing who his early morning visitor was.

He was prepared to see the hung-over face of his annoying roommate and instead froze as the door slid open and he saw Kirk. His face was pale. His clothes were stained with vomit and a substance that McCoy thought could only be blood.  The deep brownish red was glaringly obvious and an immediately a few different  explanations suggested themselves each more gruesome than the last.

Kirk’s legs were trembling like a newborn colt and McCoy couldn’t help asking ‘What the hell happened?”  before he grabbed Kirk who was listing forward to keep him from toppling over. He inwardly flinched as his hands made contact with the slightly damp stain on Kirk’s shirt front.

Kirk was shivering violently and McCoy watched him worriedly as he guided his friend to the sofa.  As much as he didn’t want it to be so, maybe the blood was Kirk’s own. He shook his head…how screwed up was it that he was hoping his friend was seriously injured…apparently he was seriously screwed up because the alternative was even worse.

McCoy gingerly reached for Kirk’s shirt trying to lift it to see whether he had any wounds when his friends fastened his eyes on him and said “I—I don’t know what happened. I—was just trying to get drunk and I guess I passed out—I can’t remember—anything.”

His voice was trembling badly and McCoy tried to be calm as he carefully manuverved Kirk’s shirt up.  Bruises old and new littered Kirk’s chest and abdomen as well as back, but McCoy didn’t see any injuries to account for the blood soaking his clothes and staining his skin.

McCoy bit off the thought of what the lack of injuries meant and instead said. “Jim, are you hurt—anywhere.”

“I-I don’t know...I d-don’t think so.”

McCoy swallowed sharply as he realised what that meant. “Look, Jim we’ll get this figured out. You need to change out of these before somebody sees and—“

Kirk cut him off. His voice was raw and McCoy saw tears glistening in his eyes. “Bones I think I hurt someone.”

“Jim wh—“ McCoy broke off and both men flinched as  the notification chime sounded and a rough voice shouted from at the door. “Dr. McCoy we need you to open up.”

McCoy glanced at Kirk who hadn’t moved and crossed over to the door calling out. “Who is it?”

“Academy security, I need to ask you a few questions.”

McCoy forced his voice to remain steady as he answered. “Now’s not a great time, gimme a minute to get some clothes on and—“

“Doctor this will only take a few seconds.” Before McCoy could answer the door slid open and Kirk could just make out from where he was sitting Academy security standing in the doorway.

McCoy quickly moved to block the officer from coming any closer and said loudly, praying that from there vantage point they couldn’t see a blood drenched Kirk sitting on the couch. “I have rights and illegally opening the door of a cadet without—“

The security guard cut McCoy off mid rant. “Doctor have you seen Cadet Kirk recently?”

“He slept over here last night” McCoy began evasively, colouring a little as the guard raised his eyebrows slightly at the confession.

“He had a concussion.” McCoy said irritably scowling at the guard.

 The guard ignored the expression and asked. “Is he still here?”

Instead of answering McCoy asked. “Why do you want to know about him is he in some kind of trouble?”

The guard hesitated and then finally said. “He was seen by a cadet walking the halls of this dorm covered in a substance thought to be blood.’

The man continued, ignoring McCoy’s feigned gasp of suprise. “I’m going to have to search this room to make sure he’s not hiding here, there’s no record of him leaving the building and he’s believed to be hiding in the dorm.”

McCoy tried to bar the man’s way. “Now hold on a minute this is—“

The guard pushed past him and stepped into the room. McCoy turned around hoping Kirk had used the opportunity to hide. But he was still sitting where the doctor had left him looking like he was in shock and damningly still covered in blood.

The guard started as he noticed Kirk, but quickly recovered.  “Cadet Kirk I’m going to need you to come with me...”

He reached toward Kirk who was staring somewhat blankly at the guard. _Like he was somewhere else…._ McCoy was well aware of the security guard standing behind him and muttered a litany of curses under his breath as he imagined what would happen now.

As the guard made contact with Kirk’s arm, he flinched away. The guard grabbed him pulling him harshly forward and that’s when Kirk went ballistic. McCoy saw his eyes and they were like a trapped animal as he fought the guard trying to restrain him.  The other guard standing behind McCoy moved to help and managed to get restraints fastened on Kirk’s arm and almost as soon as the restraint was in place Kirk fought even harder. 

If anything he continued trying to get free with renewed intensity. The entire time he was saying something almost indecipherable. McCoy move closer and could just make out the words. “You’re not getting me—not alive—I’m not going back—I’m not telling Kodos—“

McCoy finally realised that wherever Kirk was it wasn’t in the present, it was somewhere on a planet light-years away, and over a decade ago.

Kirk managed to get his arms free and grabbed the nearest guard’s phaser out of his holster and stunned him. He twisted away from the other one trying to keep hold of him and hit the man in the chest before swinging the phaser into his temple. The second guard collapsed.

Kirk backed away, his eyes, wild, he noticed McCoy and shouted. “Stay away from me.”

McCoy moved closer praying that Kirk didn’t decide to shoot him. He couldn’t remember if all the  academy phasers had kill settings, but he hoped the one Kirk was holding didn’t. Footsteps were heard in the corridor behind him and McCoy knew he had seconds to try to talk Kirk down before more security swarmed into the room. It was already bad enough without having a full on confrontation with the guards.

“Jim, listen to me kid. It’s all gonna be okay.” McCoy was lying through teeth he just hoped Kirk didn’t notice, because there was no way this was going to be okay.  He was standing covered in blood with two unconscious Starfleet officers at his feet.  “This is earth—Starfleet academy—San-Francisco. I don’t know where you think you are—“

“You’re fucking lying...” Kirk’s hand was trembling as he raised the phaser. “I’m not going to let you take me back...I’m not.” His voice was panicked and tears were starting to stream down his cheeks. “I’d rather die.”

McCoy moved forward as Kirk adjusted a switch on the phaser and started to raise it to his own temple. He had no allusions about what his friend planned to do. He knew he wasn’t going to cross the room in time as Kirk’s finger tightened on the switch, a bolt of light flashed across the room hitting Kirk on the chest. He dropped bonelessly to the ground. McCoy didn’t even have time to be shocked as security filled the room quickly and none to nicely set to securing Kirk as he lay stunned.

A guard glanced at him from where he was checking his unconscious comrades. “Did you see what happened?”

McCoy hesitated then nodded. The guard pulled out a comm. And called medical for stretchers for the unconscious guards, then turned to the doctor. “Then we’ll need your statement.”

Kirk was beginning to come around and groaned as the guards pulled him upright. McCoy watched as they begin to read Kirk a caution. “You have the right to a legal consultant as you so choose if—“

The words faded away as McCoy tried to process what he was hearing. He turned to the guard nearest and asked. “What is he accused of doing? He doesn’t even remember anything!”

The guard seemed about to not answer and brushed past McCoy, then abruptly he turned back. “He’s being taken in for questioning on suspicion of...murder.”

XXXX XXXX

Pike materialised on the transporter and straightened up shaking his head slightly from the lingering feeling of dizziness and disembodiment that always accompanied rematerialisation.  His ribs were aching and half his side was drenched in blood, still the mission had been a success if you called saving at least a few billion people from a civil war even if it meant almost being killed by a half-crazed bunch of aliens a success.

“I’ve got him back.”

Pike glanced up in the direction of the voice and then automatically squinted at the too bright light of the transporter room. The person who had spoken was a young ensign who was now hurriedly calling medical to the room.

“Spock.” Pike spotted his first officer heading towards him and was about to step off the transporter pad when his legs unceremoniously collapsed beneath him.

A sturdy arm steadied Pike, and started to lower him gently to the ground. “I would advise captain that you refrain from attempting to move until medical has had an opportunity to ascertain the extent of your injuries.”

Pike struggled to move again and then as the halted movement since fiery agony searing his ribs he thought better of it and settled back on the edge of the transport pad clutching his ribs where the knife had slipped between them.  His mind was foggy with blood loss and possibly the effects of poison from the knife wound, but one thing was still clear in his mind and that was Kirk. It had been days since the Tarsus IV incident at Starfleet academy and Pike knew  in that time so many things could have happened. He glanced around for Spock who had moved feet away and was contacting bridge over the comm., no doubt reporting Pike’s injuries.  Pike spoke as his first officer turned back to him. “Spock,  give me a status update.”

Spock hesitated and then if Pike didn’t know him better he would have said the Vulcan was intentionally being obtuse when he decided to speak.  He moved the few feet until he was standing directly in front of Pike and the clasped his hands behind his back as he spoke. “The weapon system is destroyed. Planetary counsel has entered into negotiations and a cease fire is in effect. It’s expected that the civilization’s development shall continue on course with a deviant factor of 6.13% which is acceptable considering—“

“Damn it, Spock not the mission. What’s going on at the academy?“

“Captain , under these circumstances I don’t believe it’s best to discuss—“

“Spock , this is an—“

 Pike broke off as medical arrived and they swarmed toward him, waving tricorders in his face, and pressing hypos to his neck, before he could move he was strapped to an anti-grav stretcher and being moved to sickbay. He was vaguely aware of Spock following along behind. Pike struggled to sit up, but as he tried to move something in his chest protested once again this time  by sending pain shooting through his body and making his breath catch in his throat, the faint taste of blood was in the back of his mouth… _not a good sign._

 Pike settled back as a respirator was placed on his face.  The stretcher  crossed a threshold into sickbay and then a whole group of people converged on him, some ripping off his clothes, others hooking up various monitors. He was vaguely aware of his first officer talking in the background  to one of the medical staff working on hi.

“Doctor Auna, what is the prognosis?”

“He appears to have sustained several penetrating wounds possibly complicated by poisons that are acting on his nervous system as well as multiple rib fractures; he’ll be in surgery for a few hours. Now if you’ll leave we can get started.”

“Of course.”

Pike twisted his head to see his first officer moving away and opened his mouth to speak at the same time attempting to rip the respirator off his face that was impeding his breathing, but his efforts ceased as a hypo spray hissed into his arm and darkness closed in.

/O\

Gaila and Uhura both had classes they were already late for.; it was partly a result of oversleeping. The other reason was there was a rumour that a student was being escorted from Nimitz by a whole squad of Starfleet security officers. 

Uhura glanced sideways at Gaila and watched her friend. She was unusually quiet this morning. Uhura  had resolved to find Kirk and discover what actually went on last night. Whatever he had done was obviously pretty bad and Uhura was perfectly willing to report him if he had gone  too far, because having a bad—okay really awful period in his childhood did not give him credence to go around doing what he liked to other people and making them miserable also.

They were half-way down towards the science building where there planetary development course was being held when they stopped halfway through the courtyard of Nimitz hall. It was filled with students milling around one of the entrances.

Uhura frowned and tapped a nearby cadet on the shoulder. "What's going on?"

The woman shrugged. "I heard they're arresting some student."

"For what?"

'Don't know didn't hear that part."

"Well who is it?"

“Kirk"

Gaila added as the cadet was turning back. “Jim Kirk.”

“Yeah, him.” The woman answered turning back and craning her head to see a little better over the heads of the crowd.

Uhura glanced at Gaila who obviously had heard the exchange and noted how the Orion girl's eyes widened and she unconsciously fingered the now make-up covered bruises on her neck. Uhura pushed through the crowd.

She was just in time to see a group of academy security guards escorting a restrained Kirk out of Nimitz hall. Doctor McCoy seemed to be following behind, arguing with one of the guards but he wasn't handcuffed or otherwise restrained.

Uhura gasped as she saw Kirk. It wasn't seeing him that shocked her,  it was his appearance. He looked dazed like he had been stunned and his face, as well as clothes seemed to be stained with something that looked suspiciously like dried blood.

Uhura edged closer to the front of the crowds and Kirk caught her eyes, his face was twisted like he was in pain, and underneath the blood he was pale as a ghost. But what got her most were his eyes, he looked terrified and confused.

Around her she heard cadets talking.

"Does anybody know what he did?"

'I don't know—look at all that blood –maybe he tried to kill himself?"

"No, I think it's murder, Skylar said she saw them removing something in a body bag from one of the faculty residences and somebody mentioned his name."

“Damn, he finally snapped, I knew that fucking freak was an accident waiting to happen, just happy it wasn't me he decided to go psycho on."

Uhura turned back to Gaila. The Orion girl had tears streaming down her face. Uhura reached out grabbing Gaila’s hand and they both watched as Kirk was escorted into a waiting air skimmer.

/O\

Pike, awoke to the subtle beeps and chimes of monitors in sickbay, it was a somewhat familiar noise after all the time he had spent in Starfleet. He was prepared for the moment of disorientation and then the twinges of pain as his injuries made themselves known. Immediately his mind started going through the events that had happened and he sat up abruptly, an action which he immediately regretted.

“I would advise that due to your injuries, you refrain from sudden movements.”

Pike turned his head, while splinting his ribs, to find his first officer seated at his bedside, perusing a data Padd. 

“You want to tell me what in the hell is going on?” that was what Pike tried to say at least, what came out was a harsh croak.  Pike swallowed trying to moisten his dry mouth and tried again. This time he was rewarded with an answer and an upturned eyebrow.

“As the concept of hell has not been proven to be factual, there is no way for me to ascertain what—“

“Cut the crap, what’s going on with Kirk, before I left I told you I wanted you to keep an eye on him.”

“And I did so, however I will believe you will find the events that have transpired unexpected.” Spock set his data Padd down and regarded Pike for a moment. “In the current state of your health shocks are not advisable—“

“Tell me what’s going on or so help me God Spock I will—“

“Very well, Kirk has been demoted from the command track at the academy for possible emotional disturbances and —“ Before Spock could continue , Pike broke in.

“And just when were you planning on telling me any of this?”

Spoke regarded Pike calmly. “When the risk of injury from the obvious distress this news w—“

“Bullshit Spock!  Before I even got back you could have told me what happened and—“

“Captain, you were down on the planet handling a crucial mission that could mean millions possibly billions of lives. The risk of transmission, also meant a risk of violating the prime directive and possible having our presence detected. I deemed the possibility unnecessary and—‘

“You’ve could have sent a tight beam transmission.” Pike ground out the words as he laboriously raised himself up to a sitting position and glared at his first officer.

“The risk was unacceptable.” Spock’s face was perfectly calm and reasonable as he spoke and that got to Pike.

“Spock, every fucking thing in life isn’t about goddamn logic!” Pike was quite sure he was yelling but he was used to his first officer and even for him this was going too far. Spock liked to claim he had no emotions but that was crap because Pike could sense the illogical rivalry that had grown between Kirk and Spock from the moment they had met. Spock was dedicated to rationally and orderliness whereas Kirk was reckless and disorderly with a pronounced rebellious streak. The two personalities had more in common than they knew and that was the real reason for their thinly veiled competition, both men were headstrong and not willing to compromise. They would make a great team, but instead had the start of what was proving to be a distinct rivalry.

Spock would have denied his behaviour was anything but logical however,  Pike had no time for Spock’s passive aggressive shit because his Vulcan first officer had no idea what was going on here. Kirk wasn’t just some cocky upstart being favoured by a higher-up because he happened to have a famous father. Kirk was a person who had lived through so much that he deserved to have a better future even in spite of himself.  And somehow Pike knew without having any factual evidence that the Tarsus IV assignment was about more than an ethics debate. There was no way he could convey all these reasons to Spock without giving away a lot more than he was willing to though.

Spock stared at Pike a moment longer then uncharacteristically cleared his throat. “There is something else to report that has not been fully corroborated yet, however I do consider it likely—“

“Spit it out Spock.”

“Very well. Kirk is accused of murdering a professor at the academy and is being detained. It will be awhile before I can determine the extent of the claims. But based on the circumstances and the evidence presented it is likely—“

Pike sat up straighter, his mouth tightening as he regarded his first officer. His voice was deadly calm. “And you thought this wasn’t important to tell until now”

Spock looked unperturbed. His tone was even. “Your condition precluded the advisability of informing you of these events. “

“If Kirk was accused of killing somebody I don’t care what you think is fucking advisable Spock.”  Pike glared at his first officer. “He’s being framed for something he didn’t do. I need to talk to someone at the—”  Pike off realizing Spock was still standing their regarding him with the slight expression (that he would deny his face showed) which meant he disagreed.

“Don’t tell me you think he did this?”

“The possibility is highly probable.” Spock paused and considered Pike before continuing. “Captain, I’ve read your service record you served on the USS Kelvin  in close proximity with Kirk’s father  and indicated you considered him a friend.”

Pike tried to keep his voice, even but the words came out harshly. “Where are you getting to with this Mr. Spock?”

“Perhaps you should consider whether your judgment in this matter is sound. The close proximity of friendship to his father has compromised your –“

Pike was a deep red and breathing heavily but still managed to spit out. “You listen to me.  You don’t get to say when I’ve been compromised.” 

Spock persisted. “Kirk has been known to be reckless, volatile and have an extreme general lack of respect for authority. He has extreme aggressive tendencies, based on these observations I think it’s quite likely —“

“—He did not kill somebody Spock--“

“—Your judgment in this matter is perhaps clouded by an obvious debt you feel is owed to Kirk’s father and therefore you do not wish to acknowledge—“

“—This is not about Kirk’s father. This—“

“Captain, the man he was accused of killing is the same person who issued the assignment that led to his confession of being one of the Tarsus nine.  It is likely that he was illogically seeking revenge for—“

Spock was unprepared for the reaction the words would cause. Pike found the strength to push himself off the diagnostic bed he was sitting up in and grab his first officer slamming him into the wall. He was vaguely aware of the bed’s sensors going off behind him and that his Vulcan officer could easily defend himself if he so desired, but none of that was important now.

Spock stared out at him , any shock he had covered by his usual indifferent expression, that only served to incense Pike further. “ I don’t know whether it’s you or your whole God-damn species indifference to others because they’re inferior, but you listen to me. That kid has been through more than you can ever know or probably ever will endure and for you to stand here and tell me what he did or did not do is not your job. “

Spock appeared unperturbed. “Captain, you must accept there is a great likelihood that Cadet Kirk is a murderer and—“

Pike had enough, his face was bright red, he wanted to hurt Spock. He wasn’t thinking when he blurted out. “You do not get to judge him, you half-breed, pointy-eared bastard.”

Pike regretted the words almost as soon as he said them. He saw for a brief moment a hurt look flash through Spock’s eyes before it was quickly masked. Pikes hands fell to his sides and Spock smoothed out his uniform. Then the Vulcan carefully spoke.

“I understand you are interested in Cadet Kirks’ well being since you recruited him, but the evidence will speak for itself. “ Spock jaw tightened almost imperceptibly “and as for the comments you made about my heritage, I will postulate that they are a result of the medications you have in your system and refrain from reporting them as outlined by the Starfleet code against Xenophobia.”

Pike felt simultaneously angry at Spock and guilty for his own actions. The Vulcan however didn’t speak again. Instead he helped Pike back to bed and turned to address the nurse who was rushing into the room as the alarms continued sounding. I’ll be leaving now; I believe my presence has caused the captain some distress.”

Spock turned to leave and before he walked out the room turned to Pike and added icily. “I’ll report back immediately when I find out anything else, _Captain_.”

Pike watched his first officer leave. He noticed the emphasis put on the final word and though to anybody else it would have been just another phrase, to Pike it spoke volumes. The words were cold and clinical.  Spock may have been a Vulcan and eschewed emotion but he could definitely be hurt and Pike had just done so.


	13. Chapter 13

“About time!” McCoy turned around as a senior officer walked into the room. He knew protocol would have been to stand up and salute but he wasn’t really in the mood. His arms were still aching from where they were pinned behind his back after he had loudly and he now was willing to admit a tad violently protested them putting him in a separate air skimmer as Kirk.  He was totally pissed at the whole situation and this new personality-less security guy was going to do nothing for his mood.

The interrogation room he was in was boiling, the lights were too bright, the chair he was sitting in was going to lead to hemorrhoids in his clinical opinion and his hands were still restrained though now in front of him. The security man sat across from him dropping a Padd on the table between them and then glanced over at McCoy. “I’m officer Landry and we’re going to have a little chat.”

McCoy surveyed the officer and then quipped conversationally. “So are you good cop or bad cop?”

Landry didn’t appear amused. “I think you’re going to find this a whole lot less funny in a few minutes.”

“I don’t find it too funny right now. Mind taking these goddamn cuffs off first before we start with the chitchat, officer friendly? I’m a doctor not a criminal.”

Landry stared at him unmoving. “I’m in charge of the situation here and maybe with a little cooperation we’ll see what we can do about making yours a little more comfortable.”

“I want to see you try cooperating when you’re being kept in a room that would rival the peak of a Georgia summer and on a chair that feels like somebody shoved a stick up your ass.”

Landry to his credit kept his face impassive. Definitely, bad cop then, McCoy decided.

The man reached across and flicked on the Padd angling it away so McCoy couldn’t see what he was reading. “Let’s talk about Kirk. He’s your friend?

“Yeah.” McCoy muttered warily unsure where the officer was going with this but knowing that it was probably the start of some entrapping line of questioning.

“How well do you know him?”

“What the hell kind of question is that? How well am I supposed to know him? We talking I saw you yesterday in class and said hi or I was an accomplice to murder with you because we’re best buds.”

Landry flicked his eyes up. “Was that a confession?”

“What do you think?” Landry didn’t speak so McCoy rolled his eyes. “No _officer_. It wasn’t a goddamn confession; do I look like I murdered somebody?”

Landry chose to ignore that question in favour of “Doctor why don’t you cut the sarcasm and give me a straight answer. How long have you known Kirk?”

McCoy sighed and decided to play along for now. “About a year.”

“And in this year did he exhibit any violent tendencies.”

“You know what I’m pretty sure this is illegal, you can’t interrogate somebody without legal counsel and I wasn’t even read a caution.”

“This is Starfleet not civilian rules. Answer the question.”

“How about this, have you exhibited any violent tendencies recently? How about your security cronies and there overeager selves? Because my bruised arms say they have some violent tendencies.”

“May I remind you doctor that refusing to cooperate can give us a stronger case for accessory to the murder your friend committed.”

“And may I remind you that I didn’t kill one damn person and I’m pretty sure he didn’t either, so I can’t be accessory to shit!.”

‘So since you’re so sure of his innocence, you’re saying you can vouch for Kirk’s whereabouts last night ?”

McCoy hesitated. “Well mostly yes.”

“Okay tell me where he was last night starting after classes stopped for the day.”

“And why should I?”

Landry leaned forward. “Because under civilian laws I can’t hold you for longer than a few days, but under Starfleet code it’s a whole lot longer as in you’ll get to watch the seasons change… and that pretty little daughter of yours grow a few cms. So this can go on for as long as I want until I’m satisfied.”

McCoy swallowed, and felt himself pale as the words sank in. He hesitated and then decided that the information wasn’t particularly damaging and in any case there was nothing he could do to help his friend if they were both locked up. McCoy told Landry the events after classes let out but then hesitated as he came to the part where Gaila had all but called him to the library.

Landry sized on the hesitation. “And after this he went back to his dorm room, you can’t account for his whereabouts correct?”

“Well, not exactly, but I got a call to come to the library and—“

“For what?”

“To… study.”

“At almost 0200 in the morning?”

“He was up late studying, is that a crime now?”

“Continue.”

McCoy spoke again, choosing his words carefully. “When I got there Gaila and him were having a disagreement.”

“A violent disagreement?”

McCoy mentally cursed his word choice. “No–“ he paused wondering how he could gloss over the rest of the tale without implicating Kirk more. Then he realized that the Andorian security guard that night was probably going to tell what had happened and if he lied now it would look even worse. He could stop now, but it was going to come out anyway. “there was a misunderstanding between Jim and the security guard and Jim knocked him unconscious.”

“And why wasn’t this reported?”

McCoy didn’t speak. He and Landry stared at each other for a long moment before the doctor finally said. “Because the kid already had  enough of his fucking plate without being disciplined for that too.”

“This incident will be looked into, and failure to report an altercation is in violation of Starfleet Cadet Code of Conduct.” McCoy ground his teeth as Landry continued but forced himself to remain calm as the officer finished and added “…continue.”

McCoy glossed over the whole taking him to the infirmary and the rest of it and mentioned how he had taken Kirk back to Nimitz hall to watch him because he suspected a concussion. If they found out the scans he had run he was pretty sure the man would run with it and twist the story to his own ends. He would hear two things: abnormal neural scans and suspicion of psychosis and run with it to pen Kirk with murder.

“So did he stay in your dorm room the whole night like you suggested?”

“I fell asleep, so…”

“I didn’t ask about your sleeping habits I asked did _James—Tiberius— Kir_ k leave your dorm room at a any point after he came there?”

“Yes.”

Landry stared at him then took the data Padd he had and turned the screen so it was angled toward McCoy. “This is from last night.”

McCoy stared at footage of somebody walking out Nimitz hall. With a sinking feeling he realized it was Kirk. He watched as Kirk walked across the campuses, the images switched from security camera to security camera.

Landry added as McCoy watched Kirk sink onto a bench and hold his head in his hands. “Notice that he’s near the faculty residences at this point.”

McCoy glanced up long enough to glare at the somewhat smug officer and then turned back to the screen.  Kirk had sat up and appeared to have caught sight of something.

Landry interjected. “This is where it gets interesting.”

Kirk’s was nearing a woman. McCoy could see she was cadet by the uniform she wore, but he couldn’t see her face. Kirk caught up to her and appeared to be somewhat agitated. He turned the woman around forcefully and then as McCoy watched grabbed her holding her in place. They appeared to be arguing and she looked like she was almost pleading.  McCoy felt sick was he watched it. The whole scene was reminiscent of what had happened with Gaila. He wondered was the woman the person who had been killed.

Because if that was the case, McCoy couldn’t help thinking at least a little bit that maybe Kirk had committed the murder.

“He apparently assaulted this woman, we’re still looking for her, but nobody’s come forth yet.”

McCoy breathed a sigh of relief, mentally hoping the woman didn’t come forward, he was sure she wouldn’t have anything good to say. As they watched Kirk reached in his pocket for something and the woman stopped him.  
“At this point he threatened her.”

McCoy asked. “Where’s the audio for this footage?”

“This camera is visual only.”

“How fucking convenient”

There was more silent conversation between Kirk and the woman and the woman seemed to be coaxing Kirk against doing something. He was still holding her tightly. And then abruptly she kissed him. McCoy glanced up at Landry to find the officer watching him arrogant half smile. McCoy realized then that the man didn’t care about the truth he was more interested in pinning this on Kirk and calling the case closed. Angrily, McCoy turned back to the vid.

 They were still making out and at this point McCoy was wondering whether what the officer had said had some validity.  He didn’t speak, as Kirk pushed her back and then they started arguing again. Though even McCoy had to admit to himself that it looked more like the woman was pleading. Kirk reached into his pocket again, the same one as before.

“He’s threatening her again” Landry narrated.

There was another scuffle and Kirk kicked the woman legs out and then as they watched she fought back. Kirk fell top of her and stayed there for several seconds in which McCoy feared what he was about to see his friend do. Abruptly Kirk sat up and scooted away, his hand once again went for his pocket.

“Probably telling her he has a weapon.”

McCoy would have liked to tell the officer to shut up but doubted that would help his or Kirk’s case any. The woman was speaking now and Kirk stilled. She moved closer and then they were making out again.

“Obviously the only thing she could do was go along with what he wanted; he most likely told her that if she didn’t do what he wanted he was going to kill her.”

“Will you shut the fuck up!” McCoy yelled finally losing control. Landry merely smirked and fell silent like he had got the reaction he wanted.

As McCoy watched the making out  began to go quite a bit farther and McCoy found himself turning red, because he may have seen Kirk in quite a few indelicate circumstances but the Padd was now showing some images he never wanted in his head.

Landry flicked the Padd off, just as McCoy was beginning t be thankful that there was no audio to the footage. “So you can see that before he murdered someone he also most likely sexually assaulted a female cadet…and you say you didn’t see any violent tendencies.”

“You have no proof that wasn’t consensual and—“

“Did that look consensual to you doctor?”

McCoy hesitated once again and then chose not to speak.

“In a lot of cases one crime can lead up to another as a way for the perpetrator to build up his nerve to commit the one he has in mind or as a way to feel power. “ McCoy didn’t speak, Landry just gave a slight smile and continued. “In one night, we’ve got your friend fighting with a female cadet on campus then attacking the security that no doubt came to her aid, after that he finds a woman and she won’t give him what he wants so he forces her …I’d say that’s a lead up to murder—don’t you?”

“You’re twisting all of this. Jim didn’t kill anybody.” McCoy ground out the words…he didn’t want to think about anything otherwise.

Landry leaned close. “You take up for him an awful lot doctor and that’s got me wondering whether you had a hand in this.” And with that comment Landry reached under the table  and came up holding a stack of Holo-pics which he frames down. “Does this look familiar?”

McCoy almost puked right then and there. It was only because he was a doctor and had seen some really awful things that saved him from redecorating the table with his partially-digested dinner from the previous night.

The Holo were the most gruesome he had possibly ever seen. A body was lying in the middle of the room, only it was barely recognizable as a body. The walls were splattered with blood , indicating the numerous arteries must have been cut to splash that much across the wall. The body was carved up so that it resembled a slab of beef more than a human corpse.  Arms, legs, hands, feet, even what looked like chunks of hair were lying about like the work of a demented butcher. Entrails were strewn across the floor in glistening coils and what McCoy saw was a partially broken up skull was lying on a sofa. McCoy twisted away breathing hard and trying to keep from throwing up.

Landry was staring at him. “Do you know who this is?”

“No.” McCoy managed to gasp out, he turned back looking everywhere but at the Holos.

Landry leaned even closer. “That’s the late professor Relik.”

McCoy felt all the blood drain from his face. His mouth didn’t seem to be able to form coherent sentences. “H-he…what…you—“

“His room was opened this morning after a fellow faculty member noticed a blood stain on the door and this is what we found.”

“Wait you can’t possible think Jim did this? Why,--“

“Answer this doctor, wasn’t it true that he was angry with the professor for issuing the assignment on Tarsus IV? “

“Yes, but, this is—“

“Isn’t it true that he and this professor didn’t get along? Didn’t he accuse professor Relik in front of the whole class of “torturing people’”

McCoy tried to speak. “He—“

Landry over talked him. “isn’t it a definite possibility that Kirk wanted to pay back Relik for what he perceived as wrongs?”

McCoy stared into the officers eyes, he already knew the answer but he said it anyway. “You truly think Jim actually did this?”

“I don’t think, I know. His ident code was used at Relik’s door. His fingerprints and DNA are across the room and I’m willing to bet that the late professor’s blood is the stain that’s currently decorating his clothes.” Landry pushed the holos closer to McCoy.

“So the question doctor isn’t _if_ I think he did this, the question is why _you_ don’t.”

/O\

Kirk was shoved roughly from the air skimmer. He was vaguely aware of Holo-cameras flying overhead and a crowd of media and cadets gathered around as he was walked in into the security building. He would have wondered at how fast the media had found out what happened but he was too numb to do anything but stumble forward.  One of the security guards grabbed him and shoved him as he slowed. He would have fallen forward but the man caught him, yanking him back roughly. “Move it!”

He glanced around and saw that at least six guards were surrounding him. Each had a phaser and it was trained on him. He still felt groggy from being stunned and the after effect had only served to make his seemingly ever-present headache worse.  His shirt was stuck to his chest and stiff from the dried blood. And his hands clasped behind his back were still sticky with the stuff.

He remembered the security reading him a caution as they had arrested, but the events were strangely blurry , like they had happened to an entirely different person. And what had happened between coming to McCoy’s dorm room and waking up after being stunned he had no memory of.

The comments swirled around him, from news reporters and other cadets. The words sounded so wrong. It wasn’t like he hadn’t killed somebody before. But in the past in had been for a reason, now he had no reason…at least none that he could remember. And what made it worse was he had no idea who had been killed or a memory of having done it.

They reached a door and Kirk was pushed into an air conditioned corridor. He was quickly swarmed by a group of Starfleet security all saying something different to him.

Somebody was retinally scanning him. Another was collecting his fingerprints and swabbing his hands.  A burly officer grabbed him roughly, snapping the restraints off his arms and barked. “Strip.”

Kirk stared blankly at him. The room was still full with people, including two security guards who were holding him at weapon point.

“Now, Damn it!”

With trembling hands he pulled off his blood-stained clothes. He couldn’t even find the energy to feel embarrassed as the man cavity-searched him. Somebody tossed him a set of rough clothes and he pulled them on. Then he was escorted into a small room that was bare except for a table and a chair.

A guard restrained him again and then he was left alone. It was sweltering inside and sweat dripped down his face. But that was the last of hi discomfort, because finally it was staring to sink in.

Gone was his chance in Starfleet. Gone was pretty much his entire life. And he had no memory of the action that had caused the whole course of events.  What seemed like hours trailed past  as he waited for what would happen next. Each passing minute was torture and it only got worse. The dried blood on his skin itched, his head throbbed, his throat was raw from screams he couldn’t remember, the metal chair he was sitting on dug into his body.

A loud slam, made him start and he twisted around to find a burly, officer with graying hair walking towards him. The man’s face was grim and his eyes were cold.

Kirk watched as the man settled at the table opposite him. “So James –“

“Jim.” Kirk corrected automatically, having difficulty rasping out the words past his raw throat. 

The officer raised an eyebrow at his words. “I don’t think you’re in any place to be telling people what to call you, now as I was saying James I’m Starfleet officer Landry and you and I are going to have a little chat.”

Kirk didn’t speak, instead he shifted uncertainly.

“You want to cut all this crap and tell me what you did?”

“I-I don’t remember.” Kirk swallowed roughly as the words aggravated his throat. “C-can I have something to drink?”

Landry startled him by slamming a fist down on the table. “ I don’t think you get this James, this isn’t a goddamn picnic.  You’re looking at life in a rehab center after what you did and since Relik was an ambassador for a few planets they can also claim a right to trial for murdering their representative.  You could be going to a prison planet or even facing the death penalty and the federation won’t have a damn leg to stand on. Personally after what you did I won’t be sad to see you go.”

“I didn’t—“

“You hacked a man to death.”

“I don’t—“

Landry flung a Padd at him. Kirk glanced briefly at it and was shocked to see himself making out with an unknown woman. “Before you did so we have footage of you assaulting this cadet, maybe trying to get her to help you gain access to the faculty residences, huh?”

Kirk didn’t speak as he watched her arguing with him and then he struck her. He swallowed but didn’t speak. Landry continued. “Your DNA was strewn across the crime scene, apparently you didn’t think you would get caught, James? Or maybe you didn’t give a shit. You’re a cocky son a bitch. I’ve heard about the shit you get away with so when you killed him you probably decided you’d get away with that to.”

“Then we found professor Relik carved up like a leg of beef  in his room.”A set of holoframes were shoved under in his face. “Looks like you’re not getting away with anything.”

The images reminded him of what some of the houses had looked like after Kodos’ death squads had marched through. He had seen things that were more gruesome, but never with the knowledge that it was something he had supposedly done.

Kirk pushed the frames back with his still restrained hands and stammered. “ I don’t remember.”

“You hated Relik right?  Wanted to kill him, make him pay? It’s true that you’re no longer on the command track in part because of the way you’ve been acting the past few weeks. Didn’t you blame Relik for some of this?”

“No—Yes, but I didn’t kill him.”

“Bullshit you hacked him to death. Do you know how many pieces his body was in? We got DNA off a piece of his fucking  intestines and you know whose it was? Yours!” Landry shoved the photos back in Kirk’s direction.

His stomach was churning as he stared at the images. He was beginning to believe more and more that he had actually done it. After all he had threatened to kill Gaila earlier according to McCoy and had no memory of that so maybe he had done this too.

Landry was unconcerned with the distress he was causing the young man sitting opposite him. It was clear that he was close to his breaking point; Landry could feel a confession coming.

Kirk tried again, his voice raw and stammering. “I don’t—I can’t have—I don’t remember—“

“James, your fucking clothes were covered in his blood, your face and hands still are so—“

Kirk’s blood was thundering in his ears. He stared at his hands, the rusty colour now having more meaning. He imagined himself dismembering Relik’s body like it was in the Holos and his nausea rose.

Landry was yelling, flecks of spit lying. “His skull was in over twenty different pieces” He picked up one of the Holoframes and forced it in front of  Kirk’s face so he was looking at a mutilated pile of internal organs and flesh.  “He was eviscerated, gutted like a damn pig and you did it. Probably still got pieces of his skin under your finger nails!”

 The last image was too much, the bloodied pieces that had once been a human, the throbbing headache, and the dizziness still surging through him pushed him over the edge. Kirk’s stomach twisted, and bile rose to coat his mouth and he found himself bent over heaving. Landry didn’t appear to care as Kirk retched harshly before shakily managing to straighten up trembling.

“You killed him James, didn’t you. You killed him because you wanted to. And it wasn’t enough to kill him,  you wanted to make him suffer, so you chopped his body up like a fucking butcher. You—” The man continued his accusations growing more and more insistent.

Landry lowered his voice his tone instantly becoming more soothing. “Your own friend, Dr. McCoy admitted to us that he thought you were behaving psychotically.” 

At that Kirk glanced up, watching Landry’s face, not wanting to believe what he was saying but unable to stop himself from doing so.  

“He believes you killed Relik. If your own friend doesn’t believe you’re innocent do you really believe anyone will believe your lies?  You need to confess, we can discuss this, people will understand.” Kirk held his breath as Relik continued his words reasonable. “You were overwrought with everything that happened, angry with him for assigning the project. So, in a fit of anger you killed Relik and dismembered his body. Isn’t that what happened?”

“N-No” Kirk shook his head. “It wasn’t like—“

“Stop with the lies James.  Confess and this can all be over.”  Landry added, “We can begin to put this behind us, you can ask for leniency…if you don’t I can hold you here as long as I need. You killed a man destroyed his corpse and have the nerve to lie about it. Landry continued endlessly twisting Kirk’s own words back on him, recounting what McCoy had said, describing the scene of Relik death.

Kirk couldn’t  remember committing the murder but all the evidence was there and he could barely think.  McCoy thought he did it. He had attacked Gaila earlier. They had his DNA…. _and yet he had no memory._ His head was aching worse than ever, sweat was dripping into his eyes and Landry’s voice was driving through his head like a knife.  He couldn’t seem to catch his breath and he could feel tears starting to drip down his face.

It was just like when they had debriefed him after Tarsus, all the images had been blurred then, but he remembered all he  had wanted was something to make them stop questioning him. It had been easier to say what they wanted because then at least he got a few seconds of silence. So when the man asked him again whether he had done it , he blurted out. “Y-yes.”  It didn’t matter whether he could remember, because there was no other explanation for what he had seen or how he had woken up.

“Yes, I killed him.”

The facts were clear…he was a murderer.

He just couldn’t remember the murder.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thousand pardons for the delay in posting. I lost my flashdrive yesterday and thought it was gone forever. While I do have many fics backed up, the new improved version of this story was on my flashdrive so I was horrified to lose it and so relieved when I finally found it. Hope you enjoy this chap!

“We’re letting you go.”

McCoy glanced up from where he had been staring aimlessly at the metal floor and wondering when they were going to release him. Officer Landry and a younger officer were in the doorway.

McCoy stared suspiciously at the man. “That’s it? You’re just going to let me go?”

Landry didn’t speak, instead he nodded to the woman standing by him and at his signal she moved forward and began undoing the restraints holding McCoy’s wrist together. 

She stepped out of the way and gestured wordlessly toward the door; McCoy rubbed his wrists and started forward. Landry started ahead not waiting for McCoy to get up. The doctor scowled as he followed along with the younger woman bringing up the rear. “So you finally figured out we’re innocent, after that whole bullshit song and dance about the evidence you have. You do realize that lying to obtain a confession is considered by all major ethicists to be psychological torture. Starfleet gets away with this crap because—“

Landry stopped in the middle of the hall, and turned to McCoy glaring at doctor. “Doctor McCoy I suggest you shut up. The one and only reason— you’re being released is because the culprit confessed.”

McCoy had a sudden sinking feeling and hesitated before asking. “Who was it?”

“Who do you think? Your friend Kirk…he confessed to the whole thing.”

A look of shock was painted across McCoy’s face and Landry savored it for a moment before resuming his pace.  McCoy didn’t move as he heard Landry remark smugly without turning around. “Sorry to break it to you doc, but your friend is a murderer.”

As Landry finished speaking McCoy couldn’t helping even though he knew it was what the officer wanted. “You’re an asshole. You know that? Why the fuck are you so goddamn happy about this? You want him to go to jail why?”

Landry didn’t quite smile, but there was something about his eyes as he answered. They were cold. “You’re friends not going to jail…not here…he killed the wrong person. I’ll tell you where he’s going…”

McCoy listened with slowly growing horror. Jail was just the beginning.

/O\

“Cadet Kirk confessed, they’re getting ready to transport him to another facility. I took the liberty of arranging shuttle passage from the nearest Starbase to back to the academy.” The entire comment was delivered almost robotically. Spock didn’t even so much blink as he stood in front of Pike’s biobed and spoke. 

Pike nodded. “Thanks Spock.” He hesitated wanting to say something more, but Spock was already continuing. “The authorities also apparently took Kirk’s friend Doctor McCoy into custody also, but he’s since been released without charges. We’ll be out of this system within six hours and a shuttle will be waiting to take you to the Starbase, provided the doctor has cleared you by then. I have duties on the bridge If I may I’ll take my leave.”

As his first officer turned to leave , Pike hesitated and the called out. “Spock about what I said, that was—“

Uncharacteristically the Vulcan cut him off. His face was colder than it had ever been. Pike had never realized just how much Spock was capable of expressing with the seemingly same expression but now it was glaringly obvious. “Your initial words were correct, I am a half-breed as you chose to state, and my Vulcan heritage had led to a decided difference in the pinnae of my ears however the remarks you made in relationship to my parentage were erroneous and related to your physical and emotional state at the time. ”

The words weren’t delivered as an acceptance of an anticipated apology so much as they held the weight of an unsaid accusation. Pike coloured at the comment, Spock if anything looked even more Vulcan then usual.

“Yes, well it was still uncalled for and inappropriate.”  Pike hesitated and then continued. “I’m sorry Spock.”

The Vulcan didn’t speak at first and when he did, it was. “You need not apologize for being _human_.” Then Spock was gone , his movements controlled. His gait the same as it had been, but even so Pike could feel the tension in the air.

/O\

_The latest in the Tarsus Nine case had just come in… Cadet James T. Kirk, son of the famous George Samuel Kirk, the acting captain during the Kelvin incident and Starfleet Officer Winona Kirk, is now being held  by Starfleet on accusations of murder. It’s believed that he has killed noted professor and retired ambassador Relik.  Professor Relik was the faculty member who recently  assigned the controversial assignment that lead to Kirk’s shocking allegation of being one of the  Tarsus Nine._

_Relik was found in his apartment by a fellow faculty member of Starfleet academy. Not much is known about the crime scene but close sources say that the professor was dismembered, so much that he was almost physically unrecognizable. DNA sequencing has confirmed the body’s identity. Prior to having allegedly committed this crime, Kirk is also noted by the same source to have allegedly assaulted a female cadet, whose name has not been released. The same night he had a confrontation with another female cadet in one of the main Libraries of San Francisco Starfleet Academy, that culminated in him injuring a security officer who was attempting to rescue the woman after Kirk had verbally and physically threatened to kill her._

_Kirk’s long-time friend, Dr. Leonard McCoy was also taken in for questioning after witnesses say Kirk arrived at his dorm room, covered in what many believe to be the professor’s blood. The doctor has since been released on his own recognizance as to whether he had a part in the crime in unknown and Starfleet has declined to comment._

_Kirk has been noted by several fellow cadets as behaving increasingly erratic over the past few weeks and even more so over the days since claiming he was a part of the Tarsus nine. Sources at the academy , note that due to his behavior he was taken off the command track a day before the alleged murder of Professor Relik. Kirk’s roommate has issued a statement noting that the night before the suspected murder Kirk was behaving bizarrely and seemed withdrawn. Several other students as SF Starfleet Academy state Kirk was routinely known as belligerent and unbalanced and believe that due to his parentage he was allowed to continue as a cadet rather than being expelled._

_The question remains did Kirk commit these awful crimes? And if he did why did Starfleet not take more drastic measures to protect its cadets and faculty?_

_Many people are questioning the validity of Kirk’s paper and confession of being a Tarsus nine in light of these shocking allegations.  Whether Kirk committed these crimes will be for the judicial system to decide, however, the picture painted by these events points to a very disturbed young man._

_We’ll be following this story very closely and bringing you the latest updates._

_This is Kylie Xu, International News, Locale: Earth, Western Hemisphere, San Francisco, Starfleet Academy._

/O\

McCoy ducked his head lower and tried to avoid the stares and whispers directed his way. The whole academy was rife with gossip on what had happened and the general consensus reached after apparently a few hours of gossip was Kirk was guilty. People who had only days ago been his supposed friends were now vehemently declaring that they was “always something odd about him”. It was disturbing because if the people who had known him had been so quick to accept the rumor than a jury would be even faster.

McCoy bit off the thought, shaking his head as he did so. He felt guiltily for thinking about his friend as being guilty but even though he didn’t want to admit it, a small part of him that was unwillingly growing by the second was accepting his Kirk’s admission of guilt.   McCoy blamed himself mostly for what had happened. He should have recognized what was going on with Kirk and just because he was his friend he shouldn’t have let things go on like he had. Maybe it would have been best it Kirk had been taken into custody after the library incident or had him admitted to Starfleet General’s pysch ward for a while. A night in the brig  or a few days in a hospital would have been a lot  better than what was happening now.

“McCoy…”

McCoy quickened his footsteps as he heard a voice behind him. He had no desire to answer whatever questions about Kirk that the other cadets were deciding to throw at him.

“Hey, McCoy.”

He had turned a corner when a hand caught his arm. With a half-growled threat he turned around and stopped mid sentence as Uhura stared back at him. Her brows were knitted in worry. “What’s going on?”

McCoy hesitated wondering whether it would be wise to tell her, while he was thinking she continued. “I saw them take you and Kirk in and then somebody said Kirk was being held for murder and a few minutes ago Academy security came for Gaila, to bring her in for questioning. What’s happening?”

McCoy made his decision as he saw the cadets in the hall edge closer as they heard the conversation. He roughly ripped his arm away from Uhura’s grasp. “This doesn’t concern you Uhura.”  The words were barely on the edge of civility.

He started back down the hall, only to be stopped again. Before he knew what was happening, Uhura had grabbed him pushing him back against the wall. Her eyes were glinting dangerously as her voice was low as she hissed.  “This sure as hell does concern me.”  She leaned even closer her hands fisted in his shirt tightened. “My best friend is being practically interrogated right now about who knows what; last night when she came back she had bruises all around her neck and she was crying. And –Gaila—does—not—cry, not like she was, there’s all kinds of rumors flying around and I want to know what happened last night. “

Uhura was staring at him eyes narrowed, face hardened. She wasn’t backing down until she got some answers. McCoy  glanced around at the crowd watching them. Before Uhura could continue and risk somebody over hearing he muttered. “Okay, I’ll tell you, but …not here.”

Uhura hesitated searching his eyes and then released his shirt. She followed him back to his dorm—which was thankfully empty and as soon as the door slammed shut turned back. McCoy grabbed a bottle of whiskey and took a swig before speaking. He ignored Uhura’s accusatory looks as he told about the library incident and ended with an abbreviated version of the interrogation he had just been privy to. When he finished Uhura stared at him for minutes, then settled pensively on his sofa without speaking.

McCoy couldn’t take the waiting; he took another gulp of whiskey and then asked. “So what are you thinking?”

Uhura turned back to him.  She bit her lip and hesitated before slowly answering. “I…don’t really know what to think. It makes sense that he could have murder—” She broke off as McCoy set his bottle down with a loud clunk and glared at her, instead she continued. “ —done what they say he did if he was flashing back like he was a few nights ago. I mean—“

“I can’t believe you’re going along with this shit!” Never mind that Kirk might have actually murdered somebody, to hear Uhura say it aloud like it was a logical conclusion had his blood boiling—with part anger on his friends behalf and guilt for himself for not stopping Kirk in time.

Uhura turned to him. “What the hell do you want me to think? He’s innocent? It’s all some big cover-up and Kirk is the victim here?”  She held up a finger ticking the points off on her fingers as she talked. “One: He was covered in someone else’s blood.” She over talked McCoy as he tried to interrupt. “Two: He tried to kill my best-friend—call it what you want but that’s what he did. And Three: he’s been acting weird lately and now you say he disassociated from himself or whatever you want to call it, just like a few nights ago!”

McCoy obviously wanted to say something a lot stronger and visibly was restraining himself from what would no doubt have been a litany of profanity when he didn’t quite yell. “Uhura, it  wasn’t like a few nights ago, he was  panicked then, had no idea who I was because he was terrified, but he still knew he was Jim then…this was like a totally different person. “

“And this is when he attacked Gaila,” Uhura glared at him.

“Yeah—“McCoy continued as he saw Uhura’s fury grow. “Uhura, Jim wouldn’t have touched her if he was in his right mind, you know that right?”

Uhura didn’t immediately answer. There was a long moment, in which Uhura didn’t look at McCoy and when she did, her eyes just looked tired. “Yeah, I guess, but Gaila’s been through enough” There was a pause and then Uhura asked staring McCoy directly in the eye “Are you sure that you got there before he managed to do anything else?” The meaning was clear even if the words were somewhat vague.

McCoy felt an unpleasant lurch of his stomach that had nothing to do with liquor on an empty stomach and everything to do with the thought of what his friend—or at least his there side was capable of. He closed his eyes and then opened them. He hoped what he was about to say was the truth, he wasn’t sure, but he hoped he was. “I’m sure.”

Uhura held his gaze a moment longer than her face relaxed a bit. “Okay, so maybe he has multiple personalities or something—trauma can cause that right?”

“There’s been some cases but it’s one of the hardest things to prove.”

“But you have his brain scans? Something like that is possible and if we give them that information then they have to consider it. He’s technically—at least the part of him that’s Jim is innocent. They’ll send him to a rehab facility or something but those kind of things can be fixed—“

McCoy didn’t want to, but he cut her off quietly.  He had already worked out the logistics in his head, helped by the snide but truthful comments from Landry before he had released him. “Uhura it’s not that simple. Relik was technically not a sole citizen of Earth, he had ambassadorship with several non-federation planets and therefore citizen ship, I looked it up some of them aren’t exactly friends with the federation and they demand Jim’s turned over to their custody>”

Uhura still looked uncomprehending. “But Starfleet won’t do that, Kirk—Jim’s a federation citizen and —“

McCoy continued bitterly. “The asshole who interrogated me was more than happy to explain. Starfleet may not want to but they may cave in to the demands if it comes to that. Some will be looking for a reason to start a war and rather than give it to him, extradition can and does happen.”

Uhura’s mouth froze as she processed the information.

McCoy continued, painting the whole picture for her, he tried not to let his voice shake. “A few planets have a much harsher punishment. “Telos III wipes your entire memory ...your personality...everything that makes you, you for this sort of crime,  Sypris works its prisoners in deep planet mines without protection, most last a few months before they die, and Exnar six executes you outright.”

“But if he doesn’t remember doing it then…”

McCoy thought back to the Academy hearing where Kirk had been removed from command track, the shifty gazes from the academy faculty, and the all the small pieces that weren’t quite adding up.

“There’s something else going on here. This isn’t just about Relik . Starfleet is trying to make a point and I don’t know why.…Jim told me a few days ago, that he thought he might have said something wrong by telling about Tarsus…this is a lot more than a simple murder case. They want Jim hushed up.”

“So…Maybe he didn’t do anything at all? Maybe somebody set him up.”

“That’s what I’m thinking.” McCoy didn’t add _and hoping_. “There’s nobody to ask though. Starfleet brought him in, and the local officials don’t have jurisdiction over the cadets . “

Uhura gave a small mirthless laugh. “This sounds crazy. You know that right? Starfleet is out to get Kirk?”

It might have been laughable to her but the more McCoy thought about it the more sense it made. Psychosis could be induced and maybe there was something about Tarsus that Kirk was close to telling or had told.  Discredit the source and any information from that source was also discredited.

“And Jim going batshit insane and trying to kill Gaila and murdering Relik is less crazy?”

“Okay, let’s say this all is true, what are we going to do about it?”

“I tried to get the video logs, but they wouldn’t release them, but right before he supposedly killed Relik he’s with some woman…we could start there.”

“You just said they’re locked up, you know somebody that can hack the system?”

McCoy reluctantly shook his head, the only person he knew who was that good was Kirk and he was locked up.”No I don’t.”

“Me neith—“

Uhura broke off and a slow grin spread over her face. “Actually I might.”

/O\

 “I can’t” Gaila glanced around at Uhura and McCoy who were watching her. She hated the way their faces slumped with disappointment.  Starfleet Security had interrogated her relentlessly, and (since they already seemed to know) she had reluctantly told them what had happened.

She tried to make it sound as non-harmful as possible but she saw the officers eyes as they saw the marks on her neck, and the risqué tale she had tried to spin had fallen flat as a intense and brutal questioning session made her comments sound silly and fake.

They had shown her photos of the murder scene and she couldn’t believe it. Kirk couldn’t have done it, because she had felt him. He was a lot of things but a murderer wasn’t one of them, she couldn’t believe it, she didn’t want to. And yet, the truth was staring at her like a slap in the face, with every bloody Holo pic they forced her to see.

She seized gratefully on the plan Uhura and McCoy had concocted because at least it gave her a way to keep believing.

“Why not Gai?” Uhura asked.

“Those codes will be locked away pretty tight. I’ve got some hacking skills but that’s for things with a lot less encryption, anything above that and it’ll take me a long time, at least a few days and I don’t think you have that long.”

 McCoy took the statement as a refusal. “So that’s it….” McCoy continued. “Gaila, I don’t know whether you care or not, but you could at least try.”

“It wouldn’t matter I’ve seen the security for those kind of files. I won’t be able to do it” She shrugged apologetically and added. “We could try—“

McCoy had heard enough, he didn’t wait to hear the rest of what she was saying. Instead he slammed a fist down glaring at the Orion woman. “my best friend is either going to be locked way in a rehab faculty for god knows how long or sent to some fucking planet halfway across the galaxy where they can do whatever they want to him…And I’m damn sure one way or another Jim is innocence, so you could at least act like you give a fucking damn!”

Gaila jumped as the doctor yelled the last words.  She suddenly felt very small, like she had years ago when she hadn’t pleased a customer to his or her satisfaction and they were threatening her with telling her house mistress. She shook her head trying to shake away the memories, Uhura noticed how quiet she had gotten and turned to the doctor. Her nostrils flared out in fury. “She’s trying to help you god damn drunken bastard, if that’s—“

McCoy bristled at the response and started. “You think you’re miss high and mighty—flaunting around with your stuck up self, Jim has—“

“You asked _for our_ help! Gaila doesn’t have to take this Bullshit and neither do I.“

“Fuck you! Jim is the person who’s—“

“Stop it” McCoy and Uhura continued arguing, their voices rising steadily higher. The few people in the almost deserted study all were watching now. Gaila tried again, raising her voice . “Stop now both of you!”

Surprisingly both McCoy and Uhura cut out midsentence. They had slightly confused looks on their faces like people who has gotten so distracted they forgot just what they were arguing about. Gaila saw McCoy give a slight sniff then shake his head—like a dog that had caught a whiff of something odd.

Gaila blushed slightly as she caught the slightly musky odor of the pheromones she had unintentionally released. That showed just how much the stress was getting to her. Usually with the help of suppressors and careful control she was able to keep her emissions under conscious control. It had been a long time since she unintentionally released them.

The scent seemed to have as useful effect; the argument was abandoned as the doctor flushed a bright red that had nothing to do with anger. And even Uhura squirmed in her seat. _Perhaps there was something to be said in losing control, now and then_ Gaila thought.

Both Uhura and McCoy were staring at her. Gaila took a moment to gather herself and then spoke carefully. “I can’t hack into the files, at least not in a reasonable amount of time…but I might know someone who can.”

/O\

 “That _kid_ is supposed to be able to do it?” McCoy growled out as they neared a track which was nearly deserted except for a lanky teen running laps.

“He’s years ahead of the rest of the class in computers, plus he’s not a kid, he’s a teenager. In your species that’s practicall—“ Gaila said glancing back at McCoy who still seemed irritated—well at least more than his usual.

“I’m a doctor; I don’t need a lecture from you on the development of my own species thank you very much.”

Uhura scowled at McCoy which he ignored in favour of continuing walking.

Gaila waited at the edge of the track and the other two hung back. The teen spotted her and slowed to a stop as he recognized her.  He was Pavel Chekov, a relative genius and one of the youngest people in the academy, he was also obsessed with running and training to  win the academy marathon. He also just so happened to be friends with Gaila.

Gaila was aware of McCoy and Uhura watching the interaction, she knew both were probably wondering just how she knew the Russian boy. But a significant portion of her life –okay maybe a much smaller portion than significant—wasn’t about Sex.

Not that she hadn’t propositioned the fourteen year old, before she had overheard that wasn’t exactly legal on earth, in any case his blushing refusal had been sweet. Instead they had developed a mutual friendship over a shared like of computers, a sense of being outsiders and in Gaila’s case tips on how to score a girl of a more appropriate age for the Russian teen. He still hadn’t been successful and Gaila privately had to admit that even though people like to say it wasn’t—age was a barrier, especially if you were  a fourteen year old curly haired Russian kid who was more likely to be thought of as a little brother than a potential date.

His voice didn’t help matters. “Gaila, vhat are you doing here?”

Gaila bit back a smile at his voice as he carefully tried and failed to enunciate his W’s.  “I needed a favor Pavel.”

He grabbed a towel from where t was lying on the ground and swiped a line of sweat off his forehead and then answered. “Sure, I do owe you…your suggestions did work—mostly.”

Gaila even under the circumstances couldn’t help being curious about just how well her tips were working. “So how did it go with that engineering student?”

“Ve’ve been studying together most nights.”

Gaila grinned and winked. “And how’s that _studying_  going?” She leaned closer, lowering her voice. “I could give you some tips to make that every night…”

Chekov blushed a deep red and wiped his face again, the cloth half muffled his words. “It’s not exactly like that—just studying.”

Gaila’s enthusiasm dimmed substantially. “Oh…”

Chekov put down the towel and hastened to explain. “She said I’m like her best friend.”

Gaila bit off from explaining what best friend meant in girl terms. Check took advantage of her momentary silence and leaned past her staring at Gaila and McCoy. “Who are they?”

She had never introduced him to either Uhura or McCoy. Uhura didn’t run in engineering circles and also she wasn’t sure her friend would appreciate the tutelage she was attempting to give the young Russian. Uhura tended to take a narrow view on corrupting the innocent. Though from what Gaila had heard from talking with Chekov, he was innocent in some areas but others he was far from it. “That’s Uhura I told you about her.” Gaila nodded at McCoy who was watching them with slightly narrowed eyes. “And that’s McCoy. He’s not in a good mood—he’s friends with Jim Kirk who you probably heard they took in for murder today.”

“And let me guess, you need me for something?”

Gaila was slightly startled, but answered. “Am I that obvious?”

“No but they are, not many people ever bother with me unless they want something. “Chekov shrugged ruefully and then glanced back at Gaila. “Vhat do you need?

Gaila explained as McCoy and Uhura edged closer.

Chekov looked thoughtful as Gaila finished talking. “You vant me to hack into secure Starfleet files?”

Gaila nodded.

“And you need it done tonight, vithout a trace being left in the system?” Chekov seemed to consider the request, drumming his fingers thoughtfully as against his leg.  “Vhat you’re asking me to do is illegal.”

“No, Shit “ McCoy muttered butting into the conversation. He scowled and added. “What, is this the first illegal thing you’ve ever done in your life kid? Well get over it.”

Chekov glanced at McCoy in annoyance. “I don’t have to do anything for you.”

Gaila cut McCoy off before he could speak again. “Please, Chekov, we don’t have a lot of time…and something is not right here, we needs those files.”

Chekov sighed, before casting another irritated glance at McCoy. “I’ll do it for you but I need access to the main data terminal, the banks vhere the files are isolated to prevent remote hacking.” He started walking and turned to Gaila. “Meet me outside my dorm at 11 tonight.” He frowned and glanced at McCoy before asking in an undertone to Gaila. “And does he have to come?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the Original version of this story I had the other Kirk referred to as James and our Kirk as Kirk. Both are called Kirk in this version in the narrative. Mostly because writing James felt awkward to me and because I felt we could adequately distinguish who was who based on the dialogue, thoughts and interactions with other characters that such a visible distinction as changing the name was unnecessary.

It was less a sense of waking up and more one of a sudden blurry period clearing so he could see once more. Kirk felt himself slip into consciousness and opened his eyes.  He was surprised that the other consciousness’ feeble mind had been able to keep him suppressed for as long as he had. It was becoming easier each time to break through and assert control.  As it should be, he was the superior consciousness. He had been created to control and other Kirk was nothing but the broken fragments that had been left over after he was created.

Kirk turned his was staring at the blank metal walls of a cell and could hear the distant crackle of a force field.  He sat up, feeling uncomfortable as his body reacted to the anxiety and fear felt only moments ago by the other’s consciousness. The nausea twisting at his gut, rapid breathing, and sweat soaking the prison uniform he wore were nothing more than physiological reactions. Even as he calmed his body, James inwardly sneered that the other consciousness was so weak as to feel these sensations in reaction to the killing of Professor.

A smile came to his lips as he remembered how the man has screamed as he had been killed. It had felt good to finally after all those years wake up He could experience all the other’s memories but it wasn’t the same as being conscious and the last time he could remember truly being in control of his body, prior to the last few days was on Tarsus.

He stood up, and swore as he nearly fell back.  His body felt weak, as the twisting in his stomach grew he found himself dry heaving and the acidic taste of bile at the back of his throat. He searched through his memories for when the other consciousness had eaten and a frown grew as he found the last meal. The other was so disturbed by the memories of Tarsus and now the “murder” that he had committed that he hadn’t particularly cared what happened to himself.

Kirk couldn’t help feeling anger at the other’s weakness. He felt no guilt at any of what he had done or intended to do…it was all part of the plan for a better and stronger entity that would replace the Federation and Starfleet. Remorse hadn’t been built into him, neither had mercy, or guilt, those emotions were weakness for people less than the creation that he was.

Footsteps came closer and Kirk heard the force field crackle as it dissipated. He was waiting for the guards as they walked in; there were four of them each holding a disruptor trained on him. Even so he could have taken them out then and there but he wanted them to hear the final confession. He wanted them to find him irredeemable and to discount Kirk’s story as the ravings of a psychopath, that way they wouldn’t see what was waiting in the wings. He was the best and brightest of the entire project, even the highest prison facility wouldn’t be able to hold him for long. Especially not when his father was waiting to welcome him back.

“Come.” He obeyed the somewhat nervous guard and allowed his hands to be bound, and then he was roughly pushed forward.

The interrogation cell they led him to was bare, except for two metal chairs bolted to the floor and a table. Wordlessly he sat, not reacting as a guard forced him down.

Moments later, the officer who had initially interrogated Kirk entered the room.

“I’m here to get a formal statement”.

Kirk didn’t speak.

Landry leaned forward. “Don’t tell me you’re going to pull this crap about how you don’t remember again.”

This time Kirk allowed a smile to grace his lips. He enjoyed how the expression unnerved the man sitting opposite; no doubt the officer was picking up the different body language and facial cues that went along with his personality as opposed to the Kirk’s.

Landry tried to focus even though it was unsettling how easy Kirk had faked remorse and now was smiling about the murder. Landry, would have  Kirk was either psychotic or had multiple personalities, except he knew. Kirk had come from Tarsus IV. Kodos followers had split after Tarsus to those who secretly still wanted to carry out his mission but were unable to do so and those who had hidden what they had been a part of and renounced his ideology. Kirk was the former.

 His job was to record the confession ad then turn Cadet Kirk over to the higher-ups for sentencing…Landry knew there was talk about several planets claiming extradition rights and personally he wouldn’t be sorry if the fleet decided to use him to help keep the peace. After what Kirk had done pity was the last thing on Landry’s mind. That was one reason Landry hadn’t agreed with Kodos the man had been willing to do anything to allow his vision of the future to reach fruition.

“I remember very well officer, I’m just wondering what you want me to tell you.” Kirk leaned forward so he was inches away from the officer and propped his arms on the table ignoring the restraints digging into his wrists. “Do you want to know how his blood felt dripping down my hands, or how he screamed?” 

James paused and leaned forward, his voice was lower. “Or maybe you want me to tell you how I’d love to do it all again, Relik was just the start.”

Landry’s  eyes tightened slightly at the statement, but he managed to compose himself and after a pause asked. “You admit to the murder of professor Relik?”

James leaned back. “Yes.”

Landry cleared his throat and continued. “Why did you murder him?”

“Because he didn’t deserve to live. He had it all wrong.”

“What did he have wrong, James?”

“Tarsus IV wasn’t a massacre or the work of a madman, it was a fucking masterpiece.” James’ smile grew wider as he saw Landry’s eyes widen at the words. “Kodos was trying to show what blight the Starfleet and the federation is…and instead of understanding what he was trying to do he’s vilified.”

Landry was clearly startled by the unexpected opinion, but tried to grasp the thread of the conversation. “You wrote a paper claiming to be one of the Tarsus nine,  and you yourself recounted Kodos actions in a negative light now you’re--”

“Let’s stop playing games.”

“What I-I—“

Kirk leaned even farther forward. “I know who you are.”

“This—“

“Stop recording  and tell you what you want to know.”

Landry straightened up, his face hardening. “I don’t want to know anything from you.” He stood up. “This is over. You’ll be taken for sentencing—“

“I’ll escape. Do you remember the last project?”

Landry stopped mid step and turned back his face inscrutable except for the fear hidden in his eyes. Moments later the audio was off . “We’re off record.”

“The Starfleet you know will be gone.” Kirk smiled, baring his teeth. “We’re coming for you and all the traitors who renounced my father are going to die for their disloyalty.”

Landry was visibly shaken but he tried to regain control of the conversation. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Y-you’re crazy. They’re going to lock you up.”

 “Lock me up” James smiled again; it was like a wolf's grin. “But I guarantee you won’t hold me for long.”

XXXX XXXX

“What are we looking for again?”  McCoy leaned closer staring at the symbols scrolling across the screen. “And can you speak standard not geekish technobabble.” He added irritably before Chekov could answer.

Chekov glanced up from where his fingers were flying across the touch screens. His eyes narrowed slightly, but instead of replying like he obviously wanted to he ignored the doctor.  Gaila answered instead.  “Instead of breaking the encryption for the files, he’s tracing the last entry pattern for the….” Gaila trailed off, correctly reading the deepening scowl of McCoy’s face for the even more clueless irritation that it was.

She was spared from having to break down the operations to an even more simplistic level by an excited yell. “Yes! Ve are in.”

“There it’s those.” McCoy reached out tapping a finger against a series of vid logs dated from the previous night.

Chekov accessed the files and they all fell silent as they watched the footage. 

“Can you turn up the audio so we can hear what they’re saying?” Uhura asked.

Chekov shook his head. “The feed vas images only not audio.”

They watched a few more minutes before Uhura glanced at McCoy. “You could’ve mentioned it was going to get this graphic, I feel like I’m watching a porn vid.”

McCoy had the grace to turn slightly red “Hey, kid you can take it back to the beginning, they’re nothing past here that  I think will help anyway.”

Chekov rewound the vid.  McCoy glanced at Gaila and Uhura. “Any ideas? We don’t have audio…and pretty much—“

“Wait—“ Uhura suddenly sat up straighter and leaned closer over Chekov’s shoulder. “Zoom in closer….closer...there.”

“What?”

“Shhh—“ Uhura waved McCoy off as he leaned in and instead she focused intently on the screen, mouthing words.

“Okay pause it.”

“You mind telling us what that was about?”

“I major in linguistics.  Did you know some species can’t make a sound with their vocal cords and rely on facial and lip movements to communicate…”

“No I didn’t, but you want to tell me how that’s even important? Because I’m a doctor not a mind reader.” McCoy grumbled.

Uhura turned back to the monitor. “I can lip-read, at least we can see what Jim is saying. The woman on the other hand has her back to the camera this entire time, either that’s a big coincidence or deliberate.”

“Ve can still see her face ewen if the camera is turned avay” Chekov replied as his fingers quickly typed a sequence into the computer.   
“How?”

“Reflections…”

As they watched Chekov selected a nearby lamp and magnified the surface than with a series of commands a slightly blurred but nevertheless visible picture of a young woman appeared.

“Anybody recognize her?” Uhura asked.

“Maybe” Gaila stared at the image then shook her head, “it’s like I might know her from somewhere but I just can’t remember where exactly.”

“What do you mean you…” McCoy trailed off as Uhura shot him a glare.

“Let’s just watch the rest of this.”

Another few minutes passed this time with Uhura narrating the video from what she lip-read. The woman’s image wasn’t always in a vantage point where her reflection could be caught but even so they managed to piece together some of her dialogue too.

“So here’s what we’ve got. Her name is Lenore.  Jim seems to know her and they must have met a while ago while they were kids.” Uhura summarized the findings.

McCoy added. “ It’s also like he thinks she’s Kodos daughter…”

“Did Kodos even have a daughter?” Uhura asked.

McCoy shrugged, Chekov swiveled around in his chair and glanced up at them. “Actually he did. The records say they found the body of a young girl in the compound who vas believed to have been his daughter and a positive ID vas made genetically.”

Chekov continued in answer to the startled look the three of them were giving him . “Vhat? I read a lot of history vhen I vas younger.”

“Great so we’re back at square one. Jim is crazy as shit and still guilty, only  now it looks even worse because he thinks he talking to the dead daughter of the dead guy who killed his family and half a planet then tortured him for God knows how long.”

“Well she’s going along with what he’s saying so maybe…” Uhura trailed off.

“They’ll just say she was playing along to try to keep him from killing her or some other bullshit like that.” McCoy answered.

 Uhura hurried on. “At the very least this should be good for an insanity plea right? They can’t extradite him if he’s deemed mentally incompetent.”

“They shouldn’t be able to but with the way everything is going…” McCoy sighed. “Crazy might not be good enough, they’re been precedents of mental incompetence being ignored by the courts.”

“Jim’s not crazy…he’s right” Gaila continued. “She’s Kodos daughter . Her name is Lenore …she looks just like her just…older.”

“Vhat?”

“Yeah, what are you talking about.” McCoy said staring at the Orion woman like he clearly thought she was missing a few marbles.

“Gaila, Chekov just told us Kodos daughter died.” Uhura interjected.

“More to the point . How the hell do you know what Kodos daughter looked like?” McCoy looked like he was a few seconds from pulling out a  scanner and running neural images, because obviously crazy was catching.

“Jim showed me.”

“Jim showed you?”

Gaila ignored the doctors’ skeptical tone and hesitated before explaining. “You remember a few days ago, when you guys found me in the courtyard after Kirk and I were…making out?”

Uhura nodded. “it’s not only his emotions that  I felt, I saw things, blurry images and it was so confusing…but over these past few days they’re making more sense. I saw glimpses of his memories…of all kinds of stuff…like Tarsus…and she was in one of them…the things she did…awful things…”

It was Uhura, McCoy and Chekov’s turn to be confused. Chekov broke the silence first. “You’re telepathic…like a Wulcan?” He stared at her inquisitively.

“No” Gaila shook her head. “At least I don’t think so. As far as I know Orions can only get emotions, not stuff like this.”

“You’re saying you’re positive she’s Kodos daughter, though.”

Gail nodded. “Even her name is the same, Lenore.”

“If Kodos daughter is alive than isn’t it possible he is too?” Uhura added. “she mentioned followers…what if this is something a lot bigger than just Jim?”

“We’ve gotta notify the authorities….Which means we’re screwed because there’s no way in hell they’re going to believe Gaila who has a memory even she can’t explain  how she has of the daughter of a mass murderer who should be dead and the pieces of lip-read  footage from a vid we shouldn’t have even had access too.” McCoy sighed. “Great at this rate we’ll all be locked up in the nuthouse.”

XXXX XXXX

“I’m telling you commander. There’s something wrong here.”

Renfield stared across the desk at him, her face was part pitying, part exasperated. “You expect me to believe that the girl Kirk was talking to on that video was Lenore who was Kodos daughter, and I should just ignore the fact that not only is he dead but she is also? And in addition to miraculously being alive after all sources say she died; she somehow probably managed to make Kirk kill somebody?”

It did sound kind of ridiculous when Renfield said it that way but McCoy pressed on anyway. “Listen I can’t tell you how I know she’s alive or that’s her, but I do. And on the video Kirk mentions her name…Lenore.”

“The tape had no audio doctor.”

“I lip-read it.”

“ _You,_ lip-read it?”

“Y-yes…and what she was saying makes it sound like her father might be alive also or there could be followers of him that she’s working with and—. “

“There was no way you could have lip-read what she said , her face wasn’t seen in the vid. And how did you get access to those vid logs anyway? I was under the impression security was keeping that classified?”

McCoy faltered, and then quickly picked up the thread of the conversation, ignoring her question. “Listen to me, I’m telling you the truth.”

“Doctor, I understand that this is difficult for you to accept and  what happened is bothering me too, but making up a story to get him off isn’t helping. If he truly did this crime, than he most likely wasn’t in his right mind and he needs help, and if he was in his right mind then he needs to be rehabilitated.”

“This isn’t a fucking lie. Kodos’ daughter is alive, there are others who followed Kodos out there, if he himself isn’t there too. We need to do something before…”

An intercom beeped. Renfield held up a hand and McCoy broke off, He was still simmering inside as he listened to the voice. “Commander Renfield., this is Starfleet security officer Wanscot.  We need to speak with Cadet McCoy now.”

“Sure. May I ask what it’s about?”

“There’s been a breach in a restricted area…I can’t be more specific at this time ma’am.”

“Of course.”

The intercom clicked off. Renfield frowned and gestured toward the door. “You’re dismissed McCoy, we’ll continue this conversation later.”

McCoy nodded stiffly. He had a sick feeling about the breach Starfleet security was talking about.

A security office was waiting outside Renfield’s office for him. The man was silent and ignored McCoy’s repeated questions. McCoy felt the other cadets curious glances as they watched him being escorted away by security for what would be the second time in two days.

He could practically feel the rumors forming in his wake. No doubt by the end of the day he would be Kirk’s accomplish to a mass murder spree equal only to that seen in Jack the ripper’s time.

They stopped at a security building at the end of the campus and McCoy was led into a room. He stopped in his tracks and had to be shoved forward when he saw the people already seated at a table in the middle of the room, with their hands restrained. All three wore looks ranging from defiance, worried confusion to indignation.

Uhura, Gaila and Chekov looked up as McCoy was pushed down into a seat. “What the hell is going on here?”

Chekov answered. “They detained us for …” He paused adding emphasis to the word. “ _Allegedly_  accessing restricted files.” Chekov turned and glared at the officers in the room. ‘But vhat I vant to know is vhat proof they have? The entire night I vas inside my dorm and my door scanner vill prove it.”

The officers didn’t answer…McCoy stared around at them a tad nervously. There was six officers total in the room, which was considerably more than was necessary. Second they appeared to be waiting for someone, and the whole thing struck McCoy as something more sinister than an interrogation.

Chekov continued undaunted. “It is illegal to hold somebody vithout ewidence. And ve have—“

“Shut the hell up kid.”

Chekov started to continue. “The detained have the right too—“

The guard who had spoken first cut him off again. “We had a witness of you leaving your dorm, satisfied? How’s that for evidence.”

“I don’t believe you.” Chekov answered promptly. “Anyvay  that is hearsay. I can get a vitness who vill say they saw you in a compromising position with a Romulan whore and a Klingon cross dresser and should ve believe—“Chekov broke off as the man hit him across the face.

“Shut your mouth you little prick.”

Chekov wiped a trickle of blood from his lip but fell silent. Uhura and Gaila looked furious. Before either they or McCoy could say something to make the situation worse two people walked in.  The first man McCoy recognized as admiral Cbal who had been highly decorated and captain of several ships before he retired to a desk job, the second was a younger man who was currently a captain, McCoy couldn’t remember the name but he remembered reading about the man on a news feed somewhere.

In any case both individuals were higher-ups who were way above they’re pay grade in even deigning to speak to cadets.

All four cadets rose as the men stopped in front of them. Admiral Cbal gestured for the guards to leave.

“You can wait outside… Caraway, you stay.” The admiral halted the guard who had hit Chekov as he was about to step away and instead the man settled back against the wall.

“Please all of you sit down.” McCoy, Chekov, Gaila and Uhura settled nervously back into their seats as the admiral and captain took seats opposite.

“Now as you know they’re been a breach in the secure files we have here at the academy, particularly the security vid logs” Admiral Cbal paused and fixed each of them with an intent stare before continuing. “And I know you four were responsible.”

Chekov opened his mouth to protest and was cut off by a hand held up. “Now young man don’t try to lie. I know for a fact that you were there.” He pulled up a holo screen in the middle of the table and let it play as he talked. They watched as video of themselves in the room played out. “See you may have wiped the security vids of your image and looped the feed in such a way it couldn’t be found. Ingenious Mr. Chekov here practically thought of everything and you would have gotten away scot-free. Except for I knew something like this might happen and so I put a very simple measure on the vid logs to tell me if it wasn’t played.”

Chekov looked confused. Cbal looked directly at him as he explained. “The vids you accessed were set to play once every three hours. You wiped the traces of them being played and by doing so activated the remote holo monitor I had set up to record if that happened. So really by covering your tracks you un-covered them.”

They knew they had been caught. The holo playing was evidence of that. All four of them were on it, the only thing left was to try to convince somebody of the truth. “Admiral, we may have accessed those logs but it was for a good reason. It looks like Kirk was set up and somehow Kodos or his followers are behind it. His daughter Lenore isn’t dead…I know that sounds crazy but it’s true and…”  McCoy trailed off.

Cbal was  noticeably skeptical. “You all are trying to get Kirk off and that’s admirable that he has such good friends but—“

“It’s true admiral, I lip-read the video and we managed to manipulate it so we could see the woman’s face—” Uhura broke off as he captain addressed her.

“Really, I’ve heard of some of your work Uhura. You’re very promising but throwing in your chips with this lie is a bad decision at best.”

Gaila tried. “Captain, Admiral, the woman _is_ Lenore, Kodos daughter.  I got an image from Kirk….I guess telepathically and from what he saw it’s her…”

“Let me get this straight…You got an image from Kirk? As far as I know Orions aren’t telepathic.” The captain leaned forward, his voice scathing. “ And we’re you by any chance at the same time getting something else from Kirk,  of the more biblical nature? Because am I the only one here having the hard time believing the words of an Orion whore?”

Gaila sat back like she had been slapped. The man continued. “You sell your body for mere credits and suddenly everything is negotiable even the truth, did this lot pay your more to lie for them instead of with them or did you toss that in free?”

Chekov bristled at the comments as did Uhura and the doctor. A litany of Russian poured out the teen’s mouth as Chekov lunged across the table, clearly intent on defending Gaila’s honor even though his hands were bound and the man was twice his size.

“Sit down” Gaila caught Chekov’s shirt at the last minute before he made contact and whispered. “Seriously calm down, you’ll just make it worse.”

Admiral Cbal gave a small smile. “Let’s all be civilized about this shall we? “

He reached in his pocket and took a sip out of a hip flask before continuing. “Here’s how this is going to happen…You are _all_ liars.” As he spoke his eyes swept over them. “Kirk is your friend and you’re willing to say anything to get him off but the facts remain. Let’s start with the doctor.” He turned to McCoy meeting the doctor’s steely gaze. “You are a recovering alcoholic who really isn’t doing so great at recovery if the amount of liquor you buy is any indication. You have a failed marriage, a daughter who you barely see and a family death that may have been more planned than it seemed if we do a little digging.”

McCoy’s lips were a tightly compressed line as he hissed. “Go to hell.”

Cbal smiled. “ _Hell is empty and all the devils are here._ ” Then he turned to Gaila. “Next upstanding citizen is an Orion whore, who’s probably slept with half the academy not taking species or gender into account… Once somebody’s bitch, always a bitch…need I say more?”

He ignored the second attempted lunge as Chekov was restrained again, this time by Uhura who caught him the back of his shirt and dragged him back into his seat.

“You’re a very angry young man Chekov. But I suppose that could be because of how you grew up. Just because you’re a Starfleet brat now doesn’t erase those roots…Mercenary ships aren’t so good for teaching self-control or any of the finer points in life are they and that Section 31 is already shady isn’t it?” Chekov grew pale and fell silent.

“And finally miss-linguistic wonder…not much to say about you. You’ve lived a clean life, right?” Cbal leaned forward and ran a hand down Uhura’s cheek. “Except for maybe that fire when you were young wasn’t such an accident…after your friend died your were at the top of your class. They always said geniuses were a little crazy. Anything to get to the top.”

“I would never have done that….” Uhura gasped flinching away from his touch.

Cbal shrugged. “Maybe not.” He stared around at four shocked and angry faces. “But what will people believe. I mean now that you know each other are you really thinking people will find you trustworthy.”

“Ve’re still telling the truth. You vant us to lie…ve found out Lenore is alive and Kodos probably is too and..”

Cbal hit Chekov, this time hard enough that McCoy winced as he heard bone break and a steady stream of blood began dripping from the teen’s nose.

“You may want to tell the truth, you little orphan bastard? You think carefully about the consequences. There were a lot of other classified files in the banks you broke into. If by some _chance_ those were leaked you’re each looking at several years in a prison facility. Plus some of you have families that would really appreciate your silence. “

Cbal fixed a his gaze on McCoy. “How’s Joanna? Have you seen her since father’s day?”

“You goddamn bastard if you touch one hair on her—“

Uhura and Gaila both grabbed McCoy as he got up. He was shaking with anger as the y forced him back down into his seat.

Cbal and the captain stood up and walked toward the door. Before he left Cbal turned around and added. “Think carefully cadets about what lies you want to spread.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am awesome! New chap up for you guys and I managed to study for chem and bio today too! Hope you enjoy.

He was reluctant to relinquish control to the other.  And thus far he was managing to hold onto it for the longest yet. It was almost thirty six  hours since he had wrested consciousness back and even though he could feel his hold on it slipping he knew he had a few more hours before he would succumb. That was just enough time to put the final nail in his own proverbial coffin. He had already passed a rushed evaluation by a psychiatrist declaring him fit for sentencing. The only left to do was to ensure they thought him too much of a liability to have around. Once he was off planet it would be easier to escape and join the others.

Kirk straightened up as guard came into view and the force field around his cell flickered off.

“Move it.”

The guard gestured for him to step forward while keeping a wary distance from him.  Kirk stared at her unnervingly until she looked away. The other guard gabbed his arm yanking him forward. “Stop fucking with people and move it.”

Kirk stepped forward. His hands were itching to grip the officer’s throat, he could practically feel the vertebrae breaking as he squeezed…but it wasn’t time yet. Reluctantly he let the fantasy fade. Soon, he would be unleashed… Guards flanked him on every side. Four total, he could tell some of them knew what he was. The fear in their eyes gave them away. The others didn’t know, but soon they would. Soon everyone would and it would be too late.

/O\

A half an hour later he was in front of a Starfleet judicial panel, sill dressed in his grey prison jumpsuit, with his hands restrained. The guards stared  at him as the courtroom slowly filled. The general public was kept out but a few officers with special dispensation were attending as well as representatives from two of the planets Relik had served as ambassador too.

Every face was stony, those of the clueless Starfleet officers and the ones who had their own agenda for seeing him tried and far from earth. Kirk twisted in his seat as he heard a commotion. He frowned as he recognized the voice.

“Goddamn, let me in. You read your own stupid rulebook and note paragraph C section 3.14.56.8 notes that prisoners are allowed to have their attending physician present during court proceedings at discretion of the physician if the prisoner and/or physician believe it necessary” James turned around with a hint of irritation as he recognized Kirk’s friend McCoy forcing his way past a harried guard.

The doctor tried to catch his eyes but James turned away.  His plans wouldn’t change be thwarted but McCoy tended to have a way of mucking up things.  Still, McCoy couldn’t change what was about to happen. Kirk was going to his death and that was how it had to be.

. The court started out with the typical reading of the offense, statement of credentials for the parties present and then charges.

Kirk stood unresisting and walking to stand in front of the line of officers. The head judiciary began the questioning. She was a tall woman who looked to be part Cygnusian. “James Tiberius Kirk do you still refuse the right of legal consult?

“Yes.”

“Very well , Starfleet medical and psychiatry has found you fit to stand trial for murder. We will proceed.” She cleared her throat and shuffled a data Padd before saying. “Do you admit to the murder and dismemberment of professor Relik?”

“Yes.”

There was a gasp that James recognized as McCoy, but he was on roll and ignored the doctor’s comment.

 “Do you have anything to say in your defense or a reason for having done so?”

Kirk shifted, stretching his shoulders casually, almost insolently before he began. “He deserved it.” Kirk grinned in anticipation of how what he was about to say would go over next. “The plan was I would come out as one of the Tarsus Nine.”

The Cygnusian woman frowned. “And are you?”

“No, we faked some records. Relik was looking forward to the media appearances and money that would come from it all. We were going to split the money, but—“

“This is a bunch of Godamn bullshit.” Kirk turned to find McCoy had stood up. “What did you do drug him, threaten him? Why the hell is he saying this?  Jim—“

“If you speak one more time I will not only have you removed from this courtroom but I will also make sure you spend the next week in the brig for contempt of court.”

McCoy’s emotions were obviously warring with one another. On one hand he even vehemently wanted to protest what he was hearing, but logically he knew that right then there was nothing he could do but be a witness.

Roughly he shook of the hand of the security officer who had grabbed him and sat down.

“Continue Mr. Kirk.”

“Relik wrote the paper. He wrote all that bullshit about how awful Kodos was. So, I wanted to watch him die, slowly ,painfully. I wanted to feel his blood on my hands and hear his screams in my ears. “ He turned to address the whole court before turning back to the judicial panel of which about a quarter was staring back at him like he had lost it.

Those who knew what Kodos was had hints of confusion relief. He knew they had expected him to say something very different. Maybe to implicate them or mention the project that had been done to make him who he was. But that wasn’t the plan. Now wasn’t the time for anything to be revealed. Those who had fled and hid had a little longer, a very short while before there due would come for them. This story was their reprieve from being outed.

“I’m not crazy. I understand what I did but it had to be done. Relik didn’t get it Tarsus was not a tragedy; it was the best god-damn thing that ever happened to this galaxy and the federation. Kodos should be worshipped as a hero. And for Relik to make him out like he was wrong for his actions…I couldn’t tolerate that.”

James saw the confusion in some of the panel’s eyes and decided to give them the answers. “Day after day of that stupid assignment I just kept hearing people talking about how evil Kodos was and how bad Tarsus was and they’re wrong. Kodos was a martyr for the good of the federation.  So I decided to kill Professor Relik. After, I killed him I didn’t care. People needed to know why he died and that I killed. I’ll be remembered as hero.”

He turned around and addressed the entire room. “The federation will fall and I’ll have been just one of the many steps toward a more powerful and better future.”

The look on every face was clear even the ones who suspected he wasn’t Kirk thought he was obviously crazy. There was silence as James stopped speaking. McCoy was staring at him in shock. The judiciary council was silent.

Finally the woman broke the silence again.  “Did you have an accomplice?”

Kirk glanced back at McCoy. He smiled, thinking of one way he could screw with the doctor. He wouldn’t be awake for it, but he could imagine what would happen when the other realized he had implicated his best friend as a murderer. McCoy deserved it. Kirk hated how he was always trying to fix everything and coddling the other like a mother hen. It was fucking sickening. Kirk opened his mouth to speak, and found he couldn’t say it. The words were frozen on his tongue; he ground his teeth in frustration but almost against his will blurted out now.

“No.”

“Since no further evidence has been introduced, we will reconvene in fifteen minutes with the verdict. “ The panel filed out and Kirk was led back to his seat by a security officer. He grinned at the woman who was the same person who had led him from his cell earlier. “Think they’ll send me somewhere with a death penalty?”

She stared at him like he was crazy. Then almost spat the words as she backed away. “You’re a freak.”

“Only for you.” He smiled and settled back in his chair. He would have put his arms behind his head but his hands were restrained. Outside he was calm, but inside he was irritated. The other consciousness wasn’t as suppressed as he would like. His control was slipping that last answer during court had been enough proof. That was just another reason he needed to find the others. By himself eventually he could suppress the other consciousness but it would take time. With the help of the rest of the Tarsus chosen he could achieve dominance so much faster.

Within minutes the panel had filed back in. James walked to the front and waited as they took their seats. Then the verdict was read. “James Tiberius Kirk, your charges are premeditated murder, dismemberment of a corpse….” James let the words blend together as she read out his crimes.

His attention came back when she got to the good bit. “In addition to trial in Starfleet judicial procedures there are four other parties who have the right to prosecute you as they see fit. The government of  Exnar VI  has drawn the first lot for their trial and subsequent verdict and sentencing. Pending that you have three other governmental systems who have claims upon you. As such Starfleet  has agreed to extradition so you may face justice for these crimes. “

“This is insane. There won’t be any other government who will be able to put him up for trial if you extradite him there.” A guard began pulling McCoy away, but Kirk still heard. “They’ll kill him.”

Kirk was smiling as the security officers once again flanked him for the walk back to the skimmer that would transport him to his cell.

XXXX  XXXX

It was late at night before they finally let him have visitors. Even so the guard was noticeably not happy at having to comply with the doctor's request. The man barked. "Ten minutes, then you're done here.", before he deactivated the forcefield.

McCoy walked into the cell, his hair nearly getting singed as the guard activated the forcefield again, before he had barely crossed the threshold. "Jim?". McCoy hesitated glancing around the small cell to Kirk who was lying on a cot in the corner all but curled up.

Kirk stirred then slowly sat up. McCoy let go of a breathe he hadn't realized he was holding as his friend seemed to recognize him. "B-bones?"

"Yeah, it's me Jim. This is the first time they’ve let me see you. " McCoy moved closer as Kirk sat up completely swinging his legs over the side of his cot. He grimaced and massaged his temples before asking.

"Bones, what's going on?" McCoy settled near Kirk on a bench built into the wall and hesitated wondering how to answer.

"What's the last thing you remember?" The doctor finally said.

Kirk grimaced resting his head in his hands. His voice was muffled as he answered. "This morning after they took me in and I confessed, after that it’s blank and then I woke up here."

McCoy felt a chill pass over him at the revelation. He had suspected as much but the confirmation that whoever or whatever had been in Kirk wasn’t his friend was still a shock.  Kirk was already looking up and continuing. "But Bones,  I don't remember doing it. I just agreed because he kept asking and asking and I thought maybe I had because of Gaila and what happened with her…they had evidence" Kirk paused and swallowed. His skin was very pale and sweaty. " You think I killed him right?”

"No Jim I don't" McCoy frowned. “What the hell makes you think that?”

 Kirk looked a little relieved, but mostly he just looked sick and worried.”He said— you thought I did…the officer who question me.” He squared his throat obviously trying to pull himself together. “So after I agreed , I don’t remember much else.”

McCoy hated what he was going to have to say but Kirk deserved to know the truth. "Jim…what you remember is from a few days ago. "

'What?...What's the Stardate?"

McCoy told him.

"But I don't remember anything after what I told you. The next thing that happened is I woke up in here." His breathing had quickened. "Why I can't I remember? What happened?"

McCoy wondered whether he should tell but ultimately he felt his friend had the right to know and maybe, just maybe seeing himself would jog some memories. He pulled out a small data Padd out his pocket which had already been checked by security and set a holo to playing.

"What is it?"

"Just look Jim."

They both watched as the trial began to play out. With each passing minutes Kirk's breath became more shallow, McCoy finally had to pause the vid as Kirk gave a strangled gasp like he was going to puke and then proceeded to dry heave when his counterpart on the video mentioned Kodos as being a hero.

The guard outside the force field lifted his hand up and gave a five minutes-gesture. McCoy flipped him off and turned back to Kirk who had calmed down somewhat but now just looked like he was about to pass out.

"I-I don't remember s-saying that stuff. I-I-I didn't mean any of it...oh God, why can't I remember?" Kirk shoulders started to shake and McCoy waited as his friend obviously swallowed back tears. It was another minute before he looked up with a splotched face and damp eyes.

"Bones what are they going to do with me?"

McCoy once again hesitated, but it was better in the long run if Kirk actually understood what was happening. Lying wouldn't change anything. "They've extradited you to Exnar VI."

McCoy saw from Kirk's somber face that he knew what that meant. "So it's murder charges and I'm going there… they’re going to kill me."

There was silence, broken only by Kirk’s . The guard was signaling three minutes now, McCoy chose to pointedly ignore the gesture. Instead, he pulled out a tricorder running a quick scan. Kirk’s neural readings were even more off than they had been before. Whatever was going on was getting worse. McCoy knew then that whatever medical doctor they had exam Kirk must have been in on it because there was no way somebody could have missed scans this far off norm. _Just how far did this thing go if there were so many people willing to cover it up._

McCoy knew there wasn’t much he could do , but he hurried trying to find something that would help him piece together the growing mystery before his visitation time ran out.

"Jim that night Relik was killed—."

Kirk looked up at that. His voice was dull. "You mean when I murdered him."

"When he was killed." McCoy repeated refusing to give into Kirk's increasing guilt. "You met a woman that night do you remember?"

Kirk's brows knitted together like he was trying to remember, then he shook his head.

"Her name was Lenore? She was Kodos—."

McCoy broke off as Kirk gasped and grabbed his head in both hands. He slid off the coat falling to his knees, his breathing increased so he was close to hyperventilating. When he spoke his voice was pained, like he was hurting so much it was taking all his effort to talk. "Fuck….yeah—yeah I remember. Sh-she was …talking to me b—before and… she kept talking about how…I—I  was part of something and…"

Kirk trailed off. McCoy was about to question him further when Kirk glanced up his eyes somewhat wild. He reached out grasping McCoy's shoulders in an iron grip. "Listen Bones, you've got to listen to me. I think Kodos is alive. He's got to be alive…somehow he didn't die…and he's planning something…she told me…I think she told me."

The time had run out, the guard was deactivating the forcefield, but Kirk was still talking desperately, his words rushing over each other. "He's alive in me, promise me you'll tell someone, they have to stop it.  They have to, Starfleet can't let it happen again. They can't". The guard had moved into the cell and grabbed McCoy pulling him forward.

“Don’t let them.” Kirk had got to his feet and his voice was rising . “Stop him.” The guard shoved him away violently and Kirk pulled his hand back just as the forcefield crackled back in place.

But McCoy still heard him now  screaming as the doctor was forced to leave. "Promise me you'll stop it."

XXXX XXXX

They were still a few hours away from Earth. After he had been medically cleared to leave the ship Pike had immediately booked a shuttle for Earth from the space station they were docked at. To his surprise Spock had also chosen to accompany him. Notably the Vulcan's reasons had been so he could be debriefed at the earliest possible opportunity but Pike was sure that a large part of the reason te was due to the Spock's desire to continue acting like nothing had been changed by what had been said.

Pike had tried apologizing once again, but the words had petered out before they even started. Spock's almost stony ambivalence was like a barrier he couldn't breach.

Something was going on. Pike had tried to contact his contacts at the  academy and he hadn’t been able to reach any of them. Someone or several someones  were blocking his comms. The news he received was truncated…whatever was happening at the academy was being kept a secrect. And all of Pike’s alarm signals were going off in his head.  

Pike had asked to be debriefed in San Francisco. It was a thinly veiled excuse to be at Starfleet academy, but thankfully it had been allowed. Not that Pike would have had any problem disobeying orders to go anyway.  As they departed the shuttle, a small beep sounded on his comm . Pike pulled it out his pocket  and read the note that had just arrived. It was listed as a priority message and from an anonymous sender, which either meant the person wasn't supposed to send the information but was repaying a favor, or was somebody with a long grudge who wanted to namelessly cause trouble. Either way Pike froze as he read the one line.

_James Tiberius Kirk is being extradited to Exnar by 0600 for trial and sentencing._

Pike closed his comm and quickened his pace, his only answer to Spock's questioning glance was to pass his first officer the comm and continue toward a waiting air skimmer. He had no idea why things were moving so fast or so out of the ordinary but he was putting a stop to it.

XXXX XXXX

"I think I've already explained myself twice to you captain and that is double what I do at all for other people who storm into my office making demands."

Pike struggled to keep his face neutral as he stared at the jowl faced admiral across from him. This was the fifth officer that he had seen so far and as he had gone from lower ranks to higher each had gotten more stubborn and tightlipped. The reasons for their decisions ranged from "the best option for keeping the peace to this is something that you'll understand as you progress in rank."

"Kirk has been tried, sentenced and basically given his execution date all within the span of a few minutes and you're telling me you find nothing wrong with this?"

"Chris, let's not be so melodramatic about the whole thing. They’re taking him for trial according to their rights as one of the—“

“You know that’s crap. That planet has capital punishment. We don’t extradite to planets with those methods. They’re not going to have a trial they’re going to execute him!”

“Listen Chris, Kirk confessed to what he did, you heard him. No remorse whatsoever for his deeds and in addition to viciously dismembering a man he's advocating the genocide of a mass murderer, surely you—"

Pike cut him off "That doesn’t mean we have a right to execute him and anyway he wasn't himself in that vid. I don't believe for one moment that he killed Professor Relik."

"Then you're deluded. The matter is settled, we have a confession and irrefutable evidence. Relik was an ambassador to the citizens of Exnar VI and we can't afford to do anything to make them rethink allying with us. Their dilithium deposits are first-grade and some of the most abundant in the galaxy. The tactical advantage afforded—"

"I don't give a fucking damn about tactical advantage !" Pike spat the words out. "We're talking about a 22 year old about to be executed, without any due process because it's the fucking convenient thing for Starfleet. The Romulans do things like this, the Klingons do…we're _supposed_ to be better."

The admiral leaned forward his face serious and his voice lowered. "Captain you _need_ to let this one go. I don't know what personal interest you're taking in this man, but he killed someone, is a disgrace to the academy and risks ruining the security of the entire federation by damaging an alliance with a energy giant. I may not be happy with what we have to do but Kirk is loose cannon and that can't be tolerated. "

"You don't have any idea who he is!"

"And you do?" the question was rhetorical but Pike replied anyway. He knew that what he was about to say was technically breaching classified information but he couldn't begin to care.

"Kirk didn't kill Relik, and he sure as hell didn't say those things about Tarsus and Kodos."

"You're saying the video was fake." The admiral’s voice was noticeably incredulous.

"I'm saying that kid was drugged, brainwashed, maybe even in the throes of a psychotic episode take your pick, but in his right mind he wouldn't have said one word of that shit"

"Really? What makes you so sure?" The admiral was smiling slightly now like he found Pike to be amusingly idiotic in his naïveté.

"Because he was on Tarsus." The faint smirk on the admiral's lips slipped a bit but Pike continued. "That's right. He was there. I was one of the officers assigned to clear Kodos compound right before the thing blew and Kirk was in one of the cells, beaten, starved, raped, tortured for days by the same man you say he was glorifying…So I know something's wrong with this picture."

The grin on the admiral's face disappeared. His voice sank even lower as he cleared his throat and started. "You may have seen him then Captain but this is something entirely different. He committed a crime and regardless of past circumstance he must pay."

"I'm not going to stand here and let you do this."

"You have no choice. I will have you confined to the brig indefinitely if you try to interfere." The man continued. "You are a Starfleet officer and you may not like the orders but you have to follow them...and orders are for Kirk to be extradited. You are a Starfleet Officer you follow orders."

Pike gritted his teeth, he wanted so bad to continue arguing but he could see it would lead nowhere. And with each passing minute the feeling that something much bigger than he knew was going on grew. He had entered Starfleet to help people, to protect serve, and explore and if the institution had gotten to the point where it was comfortable with sending people to their deaths on unfounded accusations and the promise of dilithium than he knew what he had to do.

“If these are orders. Then I can’t be a part of this anymore.” Pike hardened his voice and held the admiral’s gaze with his own steely glare. " As of 0134 hours today I resign my commission in Starfleet completely and irrevocably, I give up all benefits afforded to me by my rank and release all fellow officers from obligations they may have due to my previously held station. "

"Pike think about what you're doing this—"

Pike cut him off his voice shaking with anger as he pulled the fleet ring off his finger and the rank pips from his collar. "Do you accept my resignation?"

"Chris, you have a whole career ahead of you—"

Pike broke in again, his voice steely. "Do you accept my resignation?"

The admiral's face hardened and he searched Pike eyes for a moment before replying. "Yes, your resignation is accepted.  A note will be logged in your file and you will be served with official papers at 0800 today. Dismissed."

Pike , threw his fleet ring and rank pips on the admirals desk and walked out the office, his back ramrod stiff. He felt slightly disconcerted by his decision; the fleet had been his life. But this was the only way for what he had planned. Starfleet couldn't pull rank on him or order him about if he was no longer apart of them.

Kirk was worth more than any career had been or ever would be. He had already let him down countless times and he wasn’t doing so again.


	17. Chapter 17

He was sleeping when they came, tortured nightmares weaving their way through his dreams. Kirk jerked away to the sound of loud footsteps. He jackknifed up to find four Starfleet security officers lined up outside his cell. Before he could swing his legs over the side of his cot, the force field had flickered and disappeared.

Three phasers trained on him as one man stepped forward. “Stand up.”

Kirk obeyed, confusion warring with lack of sleep. They weren’t supposed to move him again for another few hours, it couldn’t be morning yet. The thought faded out replaced by a panicked one…who knew whether it wasn’t in fact days later…hours even. Maybe the blank cell he was currently in was on some ship or even another planet…it wasn’t like he could tell anymore. He could have blanked out again…done god knew what…and only now be waking up to face the consequences.

“What’s the Stardate?”

Nobody answered. All eyes were watching him warily as one officer carefully reached out restraining his hands behind his back.

“Please, I just want to know the Stardate.”

Finally someone blurted out the answer. It was only an hour or two  later than when he remembered falling asleep. Kirk didn’t feel relieved. They were taking him somewhere in the middle of the night…they had already sent him to his death…maybe they had decided not to let someone else do their work for them.

How hard would it be for him to die and make it look like an accident. Kirk stumbled down the hall, flanked by the four guards. It was silent in the detention facility as he walked through the corridors and it was even more silent in the waiting air skimmer. Nobody answered, his questions and soon he gave up asking.

Why would anyone bother answering a dead man?

/O\

Pike went to the facility where they were holding Kirk. It was outside San Francisco and mostly housed dangerous or political prisoners while they awaited processing. Officially Pike’s resignation papers hadn’t gone through, and most likely they would be taking their time doing so. Hoping he would reconsider. Pike had no plans on reconsidering. But he did plan on making use of Starfleet’s delay. The guard at the main arrival gate for SF San Quentin detention facility obviously recognized him. Pike’s name was well known throughout the fleet, and that minor fame came to use right now. The guards eyes widened obviously and he didn’t check the ident codes too closely. If he did he would have seen that Pike’s ident codes expired in just a few hours and at least questioned his arrival at the facility. As it was Pike passed through the gates and into the main facility without issue.

Once he arrived at the registrar it only took a few seconds to call up the list of prisoners. Kirk’s ident number, name and cell block were all listed, but on the transfer list. He was long gone.

The woman he asked was just as confused as he was. “It looks like he was scheduled to leave at 0600.” She tapped a few fingers across a screen , and then dragged the display down so Pike could see the data projected in midair.  “I don’t know why…maybe because he’s high profile? They’re extraditing him early.” She pulled up a final block of data. “He left two hours ago.”

Pike had a feeling why they had moved him early. They weren’t taking Kirk for extradition…things were too secretive. Once he was in space and on a transport there would be only be a few witnesses for whatever Starfleet wanted to do to tidy up the loose end that Kirk represented. Somebody wanted him dead…and fast.

He collected the little information the guard knew on the shuttle Kirk would have boarded than left. As Pike walked out he considered who he could call, most people he knew outside the fleet were too far away to get to help him out fast enough and those people in the fleet…well he wasn’t sure who he could trust in Starfleet anymore.

He was going to have to do this alone…but first he needed some answers. Pike headed back to San Francisco.

/O\

It was late at night and normally curfew would have already commenced, but this night the deadline had been extended to account for upcoming exams.   McCoy, Uhura, Chekov and Gaila had taken advantage of the extended deadline to congregate in one of the lesser used study halls and discuss their predicament.  After being harassed into temporary guarantees for silence they were all under suspension pending an investigation into the security breach of classified files.

The confusing thing was that every official they had tried to go to with their story of what had been found on the video led to more trouble and disbelief.  It was like everybody was intentionally being obtuse and refusing to see what was in front of them….either that or everybody was involved in some sort of conspiracy.

McCoy lowered his voice as a upperclassmen walked by. “What about Renfield? We haven’t told her yet and maybe…”

“Maybe what? “ Uhura glared at the doctor. “Everyone we talk to gets us deeper in trouble. Maybe if you decided to shut up two people ago we wouldn’t all be facing termination from the academy now.”

McCoy bristled at the comment but before he could reply Chekov crossed his arms and interrupted. “ I agree , to continue presenting your case after people have refused to listen is—“

“So what did you want me to do?  They’re planning on sending Jim to a fucking planet where they’re going to execute him after a mock trial and I’m supposed to let—“

“We’re saying that it doesn’t make any sense to keep knocking on the same doors.  There’s something more than murder going on here and whatever it is they don’t want it coming out. Jim is just the scapegoat.” Gaila added. “We need to do something about this ourselves.”

“And what —“  McCoy broke off as he saw a person moving through the half-deserted hall towards them. The others turned around just in time to see Pike  arrive at their table.

There was a clatter of chairs as the cadets rose to their feet.  Chekov looked awestruck and he raised his hand in salute and said “Keptin.”

“At ease Cadets.”  Pike barely glanced at the other three as his turned to McCoy tiredly. “I need to speak with you in private doctor.”

McCoy followed him a short distance away and waited. 

“I’ve heard what’s going and I don’t like it. They tell me the four of you are suspended?”

“Yes sir.”

“Is it true you broke into classified data?”

McCoy shifted uncomfortably but gave a brief reluctant nod.  He hesitated but then threw caution to the wind and quickly added. “But Captain, there was a reason we did it. Things aren’t adding up. And the vid logs we viewed only proved it more. Kodos daughter Lenore is alive and he probably is too, plus nobody is looking at the circumstances surrounding Relik’s murder. Jim doesn’t have a memory of committing the murder and his personality is going back and forth almost like It’s two people in the same body. Plus—“

Pike held up a hand halting the  doctors jumble of words. “Tell me what you found and start at the beginning.”

McCoy gave Pike the abbreviated version which was still very convoluted and by the time he had finished  the other man’s face was even more troubled.  McCoy continued. “I know this sounds hard to believe but we’re telling the truth . I—“

“I believe you.”

“You—you do?”

Pike nodded. “Something isn’t right here. Everybody is pushing for extradition , nobody’s willing to listen to any possibility of mitigating circumstances . This whole situation is like a 21st century kangaroo court.”

“So what are we going to do? Go to admiralty; Maybe call up an emergency  Starfleet judicial review panel? There’s gotta be something.”

Pike shook his head. “I don’t think that’s going to help. I already talked with two admirals and each of them is backing the decision. They want this whole fiasco swept under a rug and Kirk sent away…and I don’t know just how far up this thing goes.”

“But you’re a captain they have to listen to you.”

“I resigned my commission today and asked for discharge from the fleet. As of 0800 today I’ll be officially a civilian. They’ve already extradited Kirk ahead of schedule, they want him off planet as fast as possible and I’m betting there’s no good reason for it.” Pike continued ignoring McCoy’s shock. “I’m seeing if I can arrange something with Exnar myself, I know a few of their officials , however they’re notoriously hard to negotiate with.  But failing that…Starfleet prisoner transports have certain security features that can be exploited.”

It only took the doctor a moment to decide. “I’m coming with you sir.”

Pike shook his head. “This is going to be a non-sanctioned shot—in—hell trip. Likely  I’m away throwing away  any chance of a career and maybe a reputation. I’ll be lucky to not be court-martialed if things play out like I suspect. I can’t allow you to be a part of this. ”

“I’m still coming with you sir.” McCoy added as he saw Pike about to protest further. “I’m a doctor and  Kirk’s brain scans showed a significant alteration in a few areas. His neurotransmitters are unbalanced, his hormone levels are haywire and Starfleet medical hasn’t treated him and they’re refusing to acknowledge anything is wrong with him.  I don’t know what’s going on with him but after you’ve got him back, I need to be there so I can find a way to fix this…plus I’m about to get kicked out the academy anyway  and I know Jim would do the same for me career be damned.”

Pike gave a long look at the doctor but then nodded.  Gaila, Uhura, and Chekov were edging towards them. Pike turned to acknowledge the trio. Uhura stepped forward standing in front of Pike somewhat stiffly, she glanced between Gaila and Chekov like she was checking for their unspoken agreement. “We’re coming too sir.”

Pike started to speak but Uhura added. “If I may we’re in the same position. They’re most likely going to expel the four of us out and none of it makes sense at least this way maybe we can find out what’s going on.” She hesitated and then added. “Kirk’s not necessarily my favourite person but something happened the night Relik was killed and Kirk isn’t being given a fair trial…at this point I don’t even know if I believe he did it. So if you’re going to try to rescue him we’re coming.”

“You heard our conversation from all the way over there?”

Uhura blushed slightly. “I—uh—lip read most of it…sir. “

There was a long moment in which Pike stared at Uhura as the young woman grew increasingly uncomfortable with the scrutiny. “You’re Nyota Uhura? Linguistic major and head of your class in phonology, xenoetymology and a host of other areas” He turned to the rest of the group. “Gaila, engineering  , and winner of the EVO challenge this year, and Cherpov…uh, Chekov, you’re the fourteen year old whiz kid.”

There were nods from the entire group and they all looked surprised that such a prominent figure apparently knew of them. Pike answered the unspoken question. “I keep an eye on promising cadets I might want a part of my crew one day.”

“If I may keptin ve vould like to be a part of your crew now. “

Pike smiled, with a slightly bitter tinge and glanced again at the four cadets staring at him. One ex-Starfleet captain and four first year cadets were all that stood between a whole host of Starfleet officer’s trying to cover up something and an untimely death for Kirk. It wasn’t much but it would have to be enough. “Well Chekov, you can drop the captain title and all of you get ready. Meet me at the San Francisco shuttle bay in an hour.”

/O\

“Up.” Kirk stood at the guards order and shuffled forward, tripping with the small stride allowed by the restraints fastened to his legs.  The short shuttle ride to the vessel waiting in atmosphere seemed to take no time and forever at the simultaneously. Now he glanced around taking in the cells lining the prisoner transport vessel. It was a mixture of people, young and old, human and alien. Some glared at him, others gave the slightest expression that could have been the beginning of a smile, but instead  ended more like a grimace. The only thing they all had in common, was the eyes. The federation officially had done away with the death penalty, but many other worlds hadn’t and since in very rare cases extradition to those worlds was enacted…a few…a very select few got to see the hypocrisy of the federation in action. While they wouldn’t perform carry out capital punishment officially themselves, the United Federation of Planets had no problem letting someone else shed the blood they couldn’t be bothered to sully their hands with.

It wasn’t a mission of bringing people to justice. Instead the vessel was warping each and every prisoner towards what would almost certainly be their deaths.

“In.” The guard gave him a careless shove and Kirk had just enough time to trip over the threshold before a forcefield crackled into place.  Then the man walked away without a glance back. Kirk didn’t miss the way everybody was referring to him with the bare minimum of words or the little attention they paid to him; after all why would it make any difference in how a dead man was treated?

The cell was muggy, the air was uncirculated and had the stench of several unwashed bodies. Kirk had been given one down all halls a good distance from the others. The cells across from his were empty for several rooms in either direction, and as far as he could make out the ones next to him on either side were likewise unoccupied.

In another frame of mind he might have noted something odd about the placement, but he wasn’t even other operating at anything resembling his usual cognition. His head was aching again and everything was foggy. It was a sensation he was coming to recognize…hours or minutes of feeling like he was thinking after days staying awake…a blinding headache and then nothing until he woke up again, hours or days later. He could feel something in his mind, like another presence fighting to get surface. And if he tried hard enough it was almost like he could hold it off. Almost being the keyword. In reality he could feel whatever it was gaining hold…maybe he really was insane…maybe after everything he was finally going crazy, but it felt like something more.

 The shuttle warped onto course with a total complement of nine, five crewmen and four prisoners, with the full intentions of at least one not reaching his appointed destination. Kirk knew he didn’t have much longer left. He was going to die and when he did he wasn’t even sure if he would be conscious to be aware what was happening.

/O\

“I will be accompanying you also captain.”

Pike turned around from where he was readying controls for departure, to find Spock standing directly behind him with his hands clasped behind his back. Almost as if he knew Pike’s argument that was as of yet was unspoken, Spock answered. “I’ve requested a leave of absence from Starfleet for an undesignated period of time to attend to matters off-world.”

Pike appraised his officer carefully, he had no allusions about Spock’s loyalty to him. That wasn’t the problem. However, under the best circumstances what Pike was planning on doing would have major repercussions both career wise and possibly legally. He was already reconsidering allowing Uhura, McCoy, Gaila and Chekov to accompany him.  Not only would Starfleet be more likely to notice if not one but two of its officers abruptly left but Spock could practically be sure that his career would be over if he helped in what Pike had planned. And if Pike was honest with himself he wasn’t exactly sure what he had planned, except that every moment that went by it was looking more and more like it would be a jailbreak, because the Starfleet wasn’t willing to back down and the planet’s he was being shipped too wouldn’t either.

“Spock—“ Then he stopped midsentence, because what was he going to tell Spock? He had four cadets …brilliant cadets…but still nothing more than first year students and a half –baked plan, with Spock maybe they all had a little better chance at things turning out better.

“If you’re concerned about my allegiance to Starfleet. I’ve reviewed the facts and while I do find the charges likely I have also noted several incongruities with the events. When I attempted to bring them to Starfleet attention I was met with unexpected resistant to examine the evidence further.” Spock paused and added. “You think cadet Kirk is innocent and while logically,  find the charges likely, “ Pike bristled slightly at the Vulcan’s comment but his former first officer was already continuing. “I have also observed that human intuition can sometimes be more accurate than logical deduction.”

A wry smile crossed Pike face as he recognized the comment for what it was: Spock’s idea of an apology for refusing to believe Pike’s assertions of Kirk’s innocence.

“I’ve taken precautions for so Starfleet will not find my absence suspicious, coincidental maybe, but I don’t believe they will look into the matter closer…I implied that the time had come for certain un-delayable biological circumstances and left a comm trail leading to Vulcan . ”

Pike turned slightly red at Spock’s veiled but nonetheless indistinguishable reference to Pon Farr. But Spock wasn’t finished “I have also taken the liberty of altering the files of the cadets who will be accompanying you with credible reasons for their absence  so they likewise have sufficient deniability in the event something should happen.”

Pike couldn’t help but give a small chuckle  at the planning that Spock put into everything even an illegal rescue mission. “Well, very thorough Mr. Spock, welcome aboard.” Spock nodded turning away to begin the final flight controls for departure. Before he could begin his task McCoy stepped into view from where he had been eavesdropping halfway out of sight behind a bulk head.

The doctor was more than a slight piqued at having his file altered without his permission and the Vulcan’s apparent belief that Kirk was guilty. “So you decided to stow that high and mighty crap and realize that maybe your idea of whose guilty or not might not be right ? ”

“The conversation between Captain Pike and I do not concern you doctor.”

“It sure as hell concerns me when you’re deciding to be a jury of one….that’s why we’re in this situation…too many pig-headed idiots like yourself trying to play god.”

“As far as I am aware doctor I do not belong to the Suidae family nor have I ever attempted to behave in a manner similar to a deity.”

McCoy looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead he gritted his teeth and asked . “What excuse did you list for me?...or do I even want to know?”

“I cannot discern what your wishes on the matter are. However I think you will find your excuse quite credible as I took past facts and used them to extrapolate what reaction you could have had to the current events.”

“Which in plain standard means what?” McCoy crossed his arms.

“You’re listed as having checked into a rehab , due to an alcoholic relapse caused by the stress of your friend’s impending execution.”

McCoy looked like was going to kill Spock. Before he could do so, Chekov slipped past him, and set a crate of isolinear rods down in an unoccupied seat. “Vhere do you vant me to put these keptin?”

“I can tell you where to put  one those, Spock can use one to replace the rod he already has shoved…” The last of the comment petered out and McCoy settled for  glaring at Spock once more before turning and leaving. They all heard him mutter quite clearly though before he disappeared into the back of the shuttle “Fucking Vulcans.”

Chekov glanced between the doctor and Spock.  Then turned back to Spock clearly confused. “You need one of these to replace a rod where sir?”

Gaila who had heard only the last few moments as she fixed a comm relay with a secure subspace transponder , was trying to hold it together. It was a losing battle. Soon the confined cockpits echoed with the giggles of one Orion girl and the exasperate sigh of a former Starfleet captain.


	18. Chapter 18

Mug’tav glanced around at the coordinates reading on his nav display. According to the measurements they were about a third of the way to their first stop and more importantly they were far away a call for help during an “uprising “ of the prisoners wouldn’t receive any help until Kirk had been successfully dispatched.

His superiors had already given him strict orders, Kirk under no circumstances was to be allowed to possibly tell more than he already had. They had made plans, after all a breakout attempt in the middle of flight would have few witnesses and if the prisoner was killed in the midst of escaping then who would be any wiser.  The only problem Mug’ Tav saw was the composition of the prisoners transport’s crew. Two that he knew of were prior loyalists to Kodos and likely had orders from their own superiors to ensure that Kirk was delivered safely t the planet for trial so the world would know the secret of Tarsus IV and they could push their own twisted agenda.  The other crewmember, as far as Mug’Tav knew was totally unaware of either groups plans, just some clueless Starfleet officer that if too much interference would be collateral.

All three individuals placed a wrench in his own plans. Killing them would be a difficulty he didn’t wish to be bothered with. What he needed was a distraction, but if one couldn’t be devised then the crew would have to be dispatched also, it would be harder to explain their deaths but he was confident he could get away with it. Too much was on the line, Kirk needed to die. He was a loose cannon that if allowed to live might possible reveal the whole plan before they had a chance to enact it. Kirk had to die.

Mug’ tav was waiting for his chance, when a distraction came somewhat unexpectedly in the form of a small pirate ship.

/O\

 “Damn it.” Pike swore softly as he glanced up from the crew manifest for the Prison transport, _Conquest_.  He recognized several of the names from the survivors list that had been obtained off Tarsus. It had been hard to prove anything back then. After all just because Kodos had chosen to spare over four thousand people didn’t make them accomplice to the mass murder of over four thousand others. But two of the names he had just read, jumped off the page immediately.  One had been a teenager when Tarsus occurred and when they got the boy off the planet he had been almost worshipping Kodos like a hero. They chalked it up to brainwashing, and had encountered the same phenomenon in many other survivors.

Over time most of the people had changed their tune. But even after that Pike had always wondered it maybe it wasn’t brainwashing at all but people who had actually believed in Kodos and followed him and instead chose rather than risk a prison sentence and public vilification to pretend to have renounced their beliefs.  The other person he remembered just as vividly from briefings with the survivors and he had been one of the worse. In fact Pike remembered him laughing as they had been shown pictures of the dead corpses piled up.

They should have never been allowed into Starfleet, but with many of the juvenile and younger survivors records sealed it was nearly impossible for anybody to know their real background.

Pike swore again, the crew composition of the _Conquest_  wasn’t a random chance and whatever they had planned it wasn’t  going to end well for Kirk. “Vhat is it?”

Pike turned around to find Chekov ,who had somehow silently slipped into the Co-Pilot’s chair, Spock had vacated in favor of assisting Gaila with disguising their shuttle signature.  The teenager’s hair was mussed from sleep and he was rubbing his eyes tiredly, suddenly reminding Pike of just how young they all were.  “Keptin?” Chekov asked again, Pike didn’t even bother to correct the teen’s use of his now- defunct title.

Instead of answering, the question he set the Padd down and ordered. “Mr. Chekov, call everybody up front.”

A few minutes later , the tiny cockpit was cramped as five expectant faces stared back at him. There was no way to put it bluntly so he started off. “They’re not planning on handing Kirk over for trial.”

Uhura frowned.”So what then, they’re going to maroon him or just lock up him without a trial?”

Spock looked like he had already figured out what Pike was about to say but Pike answered for the rest of them. “They’re going to kill him.”

There was a moment of startled silence.

“They can’t kill him. Starfleet doesn’t work like that…the federation doesn’t. They have to at least give him a trial…” Gaila sounded more like she was trying to convince herself rather than she actually believed what she was saying.

“This has nothing to do with Starfleet. Four of the crew on that transport were on Tarsus under the massacre.” Pike nodded at McCoy and added. “You mentioned that Kirk thought Kodos wasn’t dead? Well this fits, if Kodos was alive he might not want Kirk on trial bringing to light what happened on Tarsus and maybe making people look closer at the events, especially if Kodos is alive and planning on restarting his whole scheme, people in Starfleet that were in on the Tarsus plan might want Kirk dead so they aren’t revealed for what they did…Hell, at this point Kirk probably has a few different people calling for his head. ”

Shock was evident on all of their faces except Spock who spoke. “I’ve sent the past few hours looking into the records for several of the officials at the academy involved in Kirk’s sentencing.  Many of them who have appeared to behave out of character or refused to consider Kirk’s innocence were on Tarsus either directly before the famine started or during.”

Spock leaned forward pulling a list of people up on the small shuttle’s view screen, before continuing. “Professor Relik can’t be directly linked to Tarsus but as I’m sure you know Captain, he frequently traveled to Tarsus in the months leading up to the 2246 Massacre and was suspected to have sympathized with Kodos but nothing was ever proven.  Commander Pommeir was rescued from Tarsus as a young adult….Admiral Cbal was a research scientist for mutagenic agricultural pathogens and worked on Tarsus a year before the disaster…” Spock continued reading the last and correlating each name in some way to tarsus.

“Vhat does this mean?”

Uhura gave a mirthless laugh. “It means Chekov that there isn’t a Starfleet, at least not like we know.”

“We have to get back to Earth and tell somebody—“

Pike cut off Gaila, shaking his head. “There’s no time to get back to Earth and warn somebody before that transport is too far out of range for us to catch up. Kirk will be dead before we get back with help and we have no way of being exactly sure whose involved in this or not.” Pike continued. “We’re on our own here until we figure out what’s going on and  either way Kirk may just have the answers we need. He’s the one who spent the most time with Kodos, if anybody knows what the overall man’s plan could be it’s him.”

“Me and Spock have checked the specs for the transport and the _Conquest_  was upgraded recently. It’s not your typical prison transport, shields, warp engines and even weapon capability has been upgraded. We’re not going to be able to board that ship easily.” Gaila added. “And if we try to boiard it forcibly what’s to stop them from killing Jim before we can get to him?

“Ve’re out gunned, and outnumbered. A Starfleet prisoner transport is built to be almost indestructible, already nobody can get in or out –“

Chekov broke off as Gaila added thoughtfully. “Unless they let them in.” The Orions’ woman’s eyes were gleaming as she gave a devious smile. “I have a plan.”

/O\

 The vessel was obviously Orion, judging from its ion trail, they couldn’t get a visual on the vessel due to the interference from the nebula they had entered but neither were they particularly interested after the vessel hailed them.

Commander Mug’Tav  waved to the office currently at the ops station, to put the image on screen , and was only mildly surprised to see an Orion woman smiling sultrily.

“This is Shiaxar, from Orion Prime and we were doing some trading in the area when our nav must have malfunctioned and my master’s ship sustained. I was wondering if you had any spare plasma coils and collinear reduction rods?”

Mug’Tav gave a polite smile that he wasn’t really feeling. He knew what Orions did, they were a race of cheats, liars and pirates. Most likely the woman was trying to get them to lower their shields so her and the rest of the vessels crew could loot and steal the prison transport vessel.

“Commander Mug’Tav of the _Conquest._ Ma’am we can send out a distress call for you if your system isn’t working. But this ship isn’t supposed to take on passengers or conduct trade.“

The Orion smiled nervously, and glanced away from the viewer before turning around back. She none to subtly hiked her skirt up higher and added. “I’m sure I can find something that would interest you.”

A smirk crossed his face as Mug’Tav watched the woman. It was obvious what was going on now. She was a low-class Orion probably one of the brothel’s castoff’s either genetically too impure, a poor performer or a criminal that the Syndicate had decided to sell rather than execute. Judging from the women’s less than subtle attempts at seduction he was willing to bet which one it was . She was probably owned by some sleazy criminal with little money and even less common sense. Still a less than stellar encounter with an Orion was better on many levels than what could be found elsewhere.

In any case he had no idea of letting her off easy. Orions were repugnant on many levels, none the least that they saw nothing wrong with keeping their women and children enslaved. However in any case it was best not to let them think they had anything that might even slightly be construed as an advantage. By the time Mug’Tav finished he planned on having the girl for free and if he was in a generous mood he might consider seeing if the storeroom had any spare parts for their ship.

“Ma’am I don’t know if you’re aware of sentient sexual solicitation laws in the federation, but there’s a hefty fine and potential imprisonment.” Strictly speaking, that wasn’t exactly true. However he was willing to be the woman barely knew how to read let alone, federation law.

Mug’Tav broke off as a voice drawled out from the background of the shuttle. “Can’t do nothing right you stupid wench, git’. Just git’”

A middle aged human appeared on the screen pushing the Orion woman out of sight of the viewer. The man had the decided look of one who drank too much, and a certain sleazy quality that was only enhanced by the ratty clothes he was wearing and the slow drawl that harkened of too much booze and a southern accent.

The tone he adopted was enough to make a person’s skin crawl as he managed to be simultaneously unconscionable and conciliatory.  “You’ll have to pardon my girl she’s new, but I’ll have her broken in soon. Anyway, perhaps you can understand that a man such as myself prefers not to have dealings with the Federation if at all possible and Starfleet since they tend to take a narrow view at activities that are legal in most other parts of the quadrant. I’m seeing you as a more open-minded individual.”

Mug’ Tav allowed a frown to cross his face, but in actuality was already panning how he could use the distraction the woman would provide to his advantage.

“Between you and myself we should be able to negotiate a deal. When was the last time your men had shore leave?” The human waved a hand, and gave an offhand shrug. He glanced away off camera a look of disgust passing his face of a brief second before he turned back. “A few parts is all I ask and while I install them your crew can enjoy the company of this fine woman, who may be a dumb fuck but she’s been trained in many of the Orion arts.”

Mug’Tav didn’t miss the wolf-whistle from one of the crewmen at the helm or the brief glances among others. It was true they had been out for transport runs for almost five months continuously with only an a few hours stop offs at each port to pick up the next batch or prisoners. The crew was getting antsy but more than that the Orion woman would provide the prime distraction he needed to finish off Kirk. He edged his voice with a hint of reluctance mostly for the benefit of his crew as he agreed. “Fine, send us a list of the parts and you can beam over the girl.”

He signaled for the comm to be terminated. And settled back in his seat, he noticed one of his crew was frowning at what he obviously considered a breach of etiquette, but the man wisely held his tongue. They weren’t on a Constitution class ship or anything similar, they were on a menial transport ship and opportunities for entertainment were few and far between.  The majority of officers in such positions knew the value of keeping morale up, and after all…it was just an Orion.

/O\

“God damn it, I feel filthy.”

McCoy turned away from the view screen as the link terminated and hastily grabbed at the clothes he had been wearing, already tugging off the dirty civilian clothes.

“That was brilliant.” Gaila likewise turned around; she leaned upward and gave McCoy a kiss on the cheek. “You were excellent.”

The doctor colored slightly at the gesture but then scowled further. “I can’t believe a Starfleet ship is actually soliciting what they think is an Orion prostitute and a supposedly enslaved one at that.”

Pike straightened up from where he and the rest of the crew had been watching the in the narrow corridor outside the cockpit. His voice was disgusted as he walked back into the tiny room. “This is one of the reasons I got involved in recruitment. We may have some of the most intelligent minds in Starfleet nowadays, but many of them don’t have integrity. You’d be surprise adjust how many captains would take advantage of a situation like this…my very first cruise out of the academy, we picked up thirty illegal pleasure slaves from a backwoods starbase and three of our crew had to be thrown in the brig and were later court-martialed after they were found trading food for sexual favors with the girls.”

He drifted off and instead watched Gaila for a few moments as she tried to fruitlessly readjust the top that was little more than a few threads and some strategically placed sections of cloth.  Pike had seen pieces of lingerie that had more coverage, although apparently the ensemble Gaila was wearing _was_ lingerie that she had packed.

It didn’t sit well with him using Gaila like they were about to even though the plan had been mostly her idea. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

Gaila gave a somewhat shaky grin and answered Pike with wink “I was born ready.”

Pike recognized the nervousness in her eyes even though the Orion had quickly turned away, but limited himself to a nod.

 Uhura had loudly protested the plan when first suggested and now didn’t look even the slightest bit convinced by the determined expression Gaila had plastered to her face. She followed along,  going over the plan, as Gaila made her way to the back of the shuttle and the small transporter pad. “You have the tranq hypos?”

Gaila nodded.

“Okay, this—“ She clipped a small broach onto Gaila’s skimpy top. “ Is the emergency transponder and unless they scan you closely it’s undetectable.  You should be able to incapacitate most of the crew with a tranq, and then shields can be lowered allowing us to  beam you and Kirk over, remember that you’ll have to get him out prison section  before we can transport because that part of the hull is always shielded.”

Chekov slipped forward to program the transporter. The Russian’s lips were tightly pursed and the disapproving look on his face was clearly evident to all. He even more so than Uhura had been against Gaila’s plan, it was he that had insisted she take the mini phaser she had hide away. At this point Gaila’s was the only plan they had that had a chance of working.

Uhura whispered “be careful” and gave Gaila a hug, before the green woman disappeared in a haze of transporter energy.

/O\

Lieutenant Evelake was waiting at the small transporter to receive the Orion woman who arrived. Even without the pheromones he was sure she was secreting he wouldn’t have been able to take his eyes off her. Her hair was a perfect shade of red, her full lips were slick and the tip of a tongue could be seen teasing just between gap. Her midriff was bare, a black skirt that left little to imagine and a top that was nothing more than a strip of cloth across a buxom bosom completed the image. It had been five months since last shore leave and even longer since he had last shared the company of someone else. 

He knew the Orion was a distraction so Mug’Tav could complete what they had been sent to do, but after that was finished Evelake saw no reason why he couldn’t enjoy the distraction along with the rest of the crew.

The woman gave a seductive smile and Evelake took the opportunity to give her a once over on the pretense of checking her for weapons before he escorted her through the ship. The whole game would have been up if the Lieutenant was as interested in checking for weapons as he was in feeling her up. As it was the tranqs and phaser she had hidden were missed.

/O\

Gaila was seething inside. She desperately wanted to use the small phaser concealed at her hip but resisted the urge as the man who greeted her grabbed her breast and a few other choice parts for a brief feel before grinding against her luridly and giving a mock bow. “This way.”

She had dealt with worst…much worst and at least she would have the satisfaction in a few minutes of tranqing these guys to sleep…then again Mr. Grabby as she named him, was probably going to receive some additional help from her fist if she had her way.

She slipped onto the bridge and nearly wanted to puke as she felt the stares directed at her and her half-naked body. She had thought this was over the day she managed to reach federation space, that finally what happened and with who would be her own choice. She forced her breathing to slow as she reminded herself that this had been her choice.

The next few minutes passed in a series of deprecating remarks, groping hands, bodies grinding against her own and attempts to force her to speed things along… luckily the others found it funny when she slapped the face of the man who was trying to pin her and hike her skirt farther up.

“Can’t wait for the goods huh?” They laughed, not knowing that their friend wasn’t slumped over holding a bleeding nose but instead neatly knocked out by a quick hypo to the neck. She dispatched the others in quick secession, and started to deactivate the shields. Before she finished entering the last sequence  Gaila did a quick head count and swore.  Mug’Tav  and another officer disappeared from the bridge. They were left the distraction provided by her presence and she had no allusions as to their intentions.

Gaila slipped the her phaser from its hiding place and thumbed the setting up before starting for the prison hold.

/O\

Kirk woke up, as the sensation of warp drive slowed.  This time the sense of disorientation that accompanied awakening was shorter.  Faces, voices, and memories of when the other had been conscious flashed through his mind and he assimilated each new tidbit of information until two gave him pause.  Two men from the crew stood out, he couldn’t remember their exact names but he knew who they were and their presence on the shuttle was no coincidence.

He didn’t get time to consider the matter further as he breathed out and noticed his breath appear in a white cloud. The temperature was slowly dropping in the cell bock and James saw that by the other prisoner’s behavior they had noticed it too. The air also seemed to be getting thinner . Life support was off and Kirk knew it wasn’t an accident.

“What the hell?”

“Hey, someone—we’ve got a problem back here.”

Some of the other prisoners tried yelling out, but no one answered. Kirk didn’t waste his time. The guards already knew what was going on and the other prisoners who died in the process of killing him would just be collateral damage. And not much collateral damage at that, after all they were prisoners who were at most likely to live another few months or so.

Atmosphere was being vented from the prisoner compartment, Then after all the prisoners had passed out from lack of oxygen and exposure it would be all too easy to come in and tidy up the loose ends that they had been ordered to see to.

The forcefield that sealed off the cell was impenetrable, at least it was with the lack of equipment Kirk had. But it could serve another purpose. Even though there was no way to breach it, there was a way to expand it. It reacted by branch out to create a forcefield around whatever tried to touch it. The mechanism was effective in preventing escapes since prisoners would entrap themselves further if they tried to breach the field.

Kirk planned to put that mechanism to use. The force field could also be used to contain enough atmosphere to prevent him from lapsing into unconsciousness like his other cellmates.  A quick survey of the prison compartment didn’t yield any material that would serve his purpose. All wires and conduits were safely sealed by seamless panels. The fabric of the jumpsuit he was wearing and the furnishings on the cot, were made in such a way to prevent suicide attempts that instead of ripping they merely disintegrated. There was nothing in the cell he could use to trick the forcefield into reacting.

No problem, he was nothing if not good at improvising.  Without hesitation he raised his arm to his mouth and sank his teeth in gouging a deep cut. A slight grin was on his bloody lips as he set about laying out a pattern in his own blood.

/O\

Mug’Tav and Evelake turned life support back on and walked through the prison compartment pausing briefly at each cell to efficiently dispatch the occupants. It wasn’t strictly necessary to kill all the prisoners since they were unconscious and would have no way of proving what was about to happen. But Mug’Tav didn’t like even the possibility of loose ends. It was easier to explain how the prisoners had a violent uprising that culminated in their deaths rather than how one prisoner had managed to resist enough that he had been killed and possibly have a witness that could say otherwise.

Later after they had dispatched Kirk then they would set about opening cells and planting phasers before they called the incident in. It would be an unfortunate occurrence but not altogether suspicious, after all this was basically a transport of the condemned, not hard to believe that the only way to stop their bid for freedom and mutiny against the crew had been to kill them.

They reached Kirk’s cell and Mug’Tav gestured for Evelake to deactivate the forcefield. The lieutenant’s hand paused on the control as they both glanced around the cell and noted it was empty.

There were drops of thick red blood spattered across the floor but Kirk was nowhere in sight.  There seemed to be a slight shimmery patch in the farthest corner, possibly a reflection from the field but other than that the cell was vacant.

If they had looked a little closer they would have noticed something else out the ordinary. There was a small area of the room that was exactly the same as the part next to it. The blood spatter on the floor repeated, the rumpled cot in the background even had the same pattern of wrinkles farther down. And there was a slight incongruity with the wall vent. As it was Evelake deactivated the forcefield and stepped into the cell without another glance. He faltered mid-step but that wasn’t enough for him to avoid James who efficiently broke his neck.

The body fell to the floor, shock still in the now corpses eyes. Mug’Tav reacted quickly bringing his phaser around and firing. But Kirk was already moving and the bolt landed on metal bringing out the smell of charred paint. Even has he tried to avoid becoming the next fatality Mug’Tav’s mind was wondering how James had managed to trick them.

It was an astonishingly simple idea. The line of blood he  had laid when it touched the forcefield had caused the barrier to spring up and follow the trail, almost like fire on a fuse. The circular forcefield Kirk had created acted as a sort of invisible wall, by reflecting the cell interior back. And it had the added benefit of trapping the atmosphere still retained by the barrier inside.

Mug’Tav phaser flew out his hand as James caught his wrist and snapped it. He cried out as his feet were swept out from under him. Then James was on him. His eyes were twisted and blood was in his mouth and running down his forearms as he stared down with icy inhuman blue eyes.

Mug’Tav knew he was going to die. A tremble that he tried to hold back flashed through his body, because while he knew that he would die, he was sure that this—creature—he refused to call the demented thing crouching over him a man—would make it as painful as possible.

Kirk leaned close , his face so near Mug’Tav could feel his breath on his neck. “I’d love to do this proper—like Relik—but I don’t have the time…still this will be memorable.”  Then Mug’ Tav felt his nose break and blood gush into his mouth. He barely had time to draw a breath before another fist landed fracturing his jaw, seconds after that his wrist broke. Piece by piece Kirk was ripping him apart.

Minutes later, Kirk wiped the now dead man’s blood from his eyes with a slightly less bloody palm. Mug’ Tav’s face was unidentifiable. It had more in common with a piece of meat than a visage that had once been human. Kirk stood up,  and stared down dispassionately at the bloodied corpse, before retrieving the phaser that had skittered away during the fight. He turned toward the door that would lead out the prison compartment only to stop as he saw a familiar face. His eyes narrowed and his lips pulled back in a feral grin of anticipation….This was going to be fun.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning: This chapter is quite violent and possibly disturbing. Enjoy!

Gaila stepped over the threshold and noted the thin atmosphere and the burned bodies lying within the cells. She double checked the settings of her phaser before she continued forward. The dull sound of flesh impacting with flesh met her ears as she prepared to round the corner. And the scene she was met with wasn’t what she had been expecting. Kirk stood in the middle of the corridor, his grey prison jumpsuit spattered with blood.  A phaser was held in his hands, in the background one body lay half out a cell by the angle the neck was obviously broken. Another body was directly behind Kirk and from the looks of the man had been beaten to death.

And Kirk was staring at her, apparently not caring that his face was smeared with blood as were his cloths and arms. “Hello, Gaila.”

Gaila didn’t respond, she could tell that whoever she was talking to wasn’t Kirk. Kirk was just as far removed from this man as Dr. Jekyll was from Mr. Hyde in an old Terran classic she had read.  Instead she steadied her voice and raised her phaser slightly, “Put the phaser down and come with me.”

Kirk made no move to do as she asked.  He cocked his head slightly to the side. “So, let me guess. You and the little band of do-gooders McCoy no doubt put together have decided to rescue me…did it ever occur to you maybe I don’t want or need to be fucking rescued.”

“Doesn’t matter what you want.” Gaila flicked the setting of her phaser up higher, this time to a heavy stun. Kirk might lose a few brain cells at these close quarters, but that was the least of her worries. “You’ve got only two options we can do this the easy way or the hard way.”

Kirk smiled. “Actually there’s a third option. I can let the guard behind you kill you and then kill him.”

Gaila reflexively turned to look and barely had time to register that one of the crewmen she had incapacitated had awoken before all that was left of his head was a smoking stump where it had been.

The body fell to the ground with legs still twitching. Gaila turned back to Kirk with her heart thudding against her ribs.

“Good thing I like you better than him.” James remarked and eyed the headless corpse dispassionately. He took a step closer.

“Stop.” Gaila brought both her hands up to steady the phaser.          
“Or what.”

“Or I’ll shoot.”

The look he gave her was one that an adult might give an upstart child. “You really want to see who’s the faster draw?“

“Don’t try me.” Gaila tightened her grip on the phaser, watching his body for the subtle movement indicating he was going to fire.

Abruptly Kirk dropped the phaser, letting the weapon tumble from his hands and fall to the ground. “Okay, okay, I’m all yours.”

Gaila didn’t trust him for one second and didn’t take her eyes off him as she reached up and pulled a set of restraints where she had stashed them in her waistband.  She tossed them to James and watched as he snapped each one to his wrist.

At her word, he slowly started walking forward, a step or two at a time, like he was trying not to startle her.  His tone was conversational. “So what’s the plan…You’re going to take me somewhere, try to figure out how you can fix me.”

Gaila ignored him still keeping the phaser leveled at his head. 

“Got a plan to get poor little Jimmy back without having evil old me come out to play? I’m sure the good old doctor is already on it.”  Kirk clapped his hands startling Gaila further. “This sounds like an ambitious idea, put me down like the dog I am and save precious Jim, really inspiring stuff.”

“There’s only two problems with your plan.” He slowed. “You do get we’re two halves of the same whole, right sweetheart? You can’t get rid of me without getting rid of Jim too. I’ll kill us both before I go anywhere with you.”

Gaila, knew he was serious. Whatever this consciousness, or personality was…he wasn’t sane. Things were quickly getting out of hand, with every moment that passed Gaila was regretting her decision to forgo the last sequence in favor of going after Kirk.

He was now only a few feet away. “You really think I’m going to go quietly into oblivion, so you can have Jimmy back? Fuck no, I’m just getting started here.” She nearly missed him move as it was Gaila was a second to slow.

 She fired, and the beam passed harmlessly overhead as he crouched down.  Before she could fire again he had crossed the distance separating them. Gaila cried out as a foot landed in her midsection slamming her against the wall. The phaser was wrenched from her gripped as manacled hands grabbed the weapon. She smelled a chemical aroma and heard a hiss, and then Kirk hands were free again. 

He grabbed her by the hair viciously slamming her head against the wall and momentarily blacking her vision. “You really thought I was going with you? Fucking stupid bitch.“

He laughed, and he leaned closer using his weight to hold her in place.  Gaila didn’t try to break free, it wouldn’t solve anything. He was too heavy, and too strong, instead she waited for her chance and when he moved enough she freed her knee and slammed it upwards. She was aiming for his groin but he twisted and caught the blow on his hip.

The momentary distraction was enough; she twisted free and slammed her palm into his nose. Bone crunched against her hand and James swore. Gaila backed away moving toward the exit. Kirk had already recovered and had a thick stream of blood pouring down his face. He spat out a mouthful of reddened saliva on the deck and snarled. “You’re going to pay for that bitch.”

She had barely a warning before James was on her again. A kick snapped out hitting her thigh; she twisted away and barely managed to avoid a punch that would have surely broken her jaw. Gaila wasn’t a damsel in distress by far, Orion females were trained in more than just lovemaking and the associated arts, after all how else were they supposed to make sure they returned safe and sound to their house to give the benefit of repeat profits to their house-mistress.  But Kirk was a force to be reckoned with on the best of days and now with whatever personality change he had it was no holds barred. A mélange of styles and techniques meshed seamlessly together preventing any defense.

Gaila knew how mismatched the fight was, Kirk wasn’t trying to kill her…at least not yet…he was toying with her.  Things stuttered to an abrupt halt when James swept her feet out from under her and then before she could go down , grabbed her arm giving it a sharp twist until the crack of breaking bone was audible. Then he released her, and hauled her back upright by a shoulder.

“Was that enough foreplay for you? I know you like it rough.”  This time he made sure to hold her securely. He was pressed against her so tightly she could feel every contour of his body. “Ready to get to the action?” His tongue traced a path across her neck and then he whispered in her ear. “How dare you think you can get away from me. You’re going to do what I want when I say, or I’m going to make those bodies lying back there look like child’s play compared to what I’m going to do to you.” He paused and yanked her jaw upwards forcing her to look into his eyes. “Understand.”

Gaila knew she had no choice. She would have activated the transponder Uhura had given her but I the first scuffle it had flew off and the brooch was now lying several feet away just inside the threshold that led to the main ship, plus the shields were still up. She needed to get free or she was dead.  Gaila gave a brief nod, while biting the inside of her mouth so hard she tasted copper on her tongue, as she tried to figure out how to move the last few feet needed

 She forced herself to relax as James hands explored her body and she felt his mouth on her neck again.  His tongue darted against the skin, seeing shivers down her spine…and it wasn’t from arousal. Only a few minutes had elapsed they wouldn’t be expecting her back yet, and had no idea whether she had succeeded in incapacitating the crew. It would be at least another few minutes before somebody even thought to beam over and look for her. Gaila looked around again until a sharp pain made her turn back to Kirk. He had deliberately pressed his fingers into her broken arm. It was all she could do to avoid screaming in pain, as he repeated the gesture. “Try to stay focused here. Seeing the terror in your eyes is at least half of the fun.”

Gaila forced herself to meet his gaze trying to appear unafraid.  It would have helped if she could manage to stop trembling.  James voice was low and conversational now, “So did you get dressed up for me? “ Her heart skipped a beat as he reached a hand down and slowly, teasingly started to rip away the skirt she was wearing. 

Kirk’s hand had slipped down lower, pushing her panties aside. She could feel his fingers exploring her. His voice was breathless as he muttered. “Enjoying this aren’t you. I know you like him—Jim I mean.” She couldn’t help shuddering as he increased the friction of his fingers. “You get so fucking wet for him…even if he’s just talking with you.” He grinned, and whispered. “You’re going to like me even better.”

Kirk was still talking his eyes bright. “Don’t worry I’ll make sure he remembers this…what I’m about to do to you will drive him crazy…and not in a good way.”

The look on Kirk’s face made a shiver travel up Gaila’s spine. She had no doubt’s about what he would to her. This version or whatever it was of Jim was beyond cruel…he wouldn’t just rape and kill her, he’d rip her body apart and make sure that her Jim remembered every moment.

She had to get away.

Gaila forced her mind back to years ago, and a trick she had learned from one of the more experienced girls on how to get away from the rougher customers.

She slid her hand down to join his and forced herself to kiss him back. He seemed only momentarily surprised by her sudden acquiescence and then he laughed harshly. “ You Orion girls are all alike. Everything else is secondary compared to the chance for a fuck.”

Gaila’s hand drifted lower, until she had found her target. Her fingers found his already hardening erection. She twisted as hard as she could and bit down on his lips as he went to kiss her again. He gave a deep groan as pain flared through his groin and the metallic taste of blood spread through Gaila’s mouth, but she was free.

She took advantage of his momentary surprise to break free and run. She skirted the headless corpse lying in pooling blood and snatched up her brooch. She could hear Kirk coming after her, and she knew her only chance was to get to the bridge. The remaining crew was lying still unconscious , Gaila moved past their inert forms and accessed the last shield routine. Her fingers flew as she deactivated it.

She turned activating her transponder as the last shield sequence fell, that was all she got a chance to do. Kirk had caught up. The brooch flew from her fingers as he tackled her to the deck.

She fell heavily and found herself staring into his enraged eyes as he straddled her. “I’m going fuck you then kill you.” He tapped a finger against his head. “And I’m going to let this fucker watch.”

He reached out ripping the fabric of the fabric of her top, leaving her breast exposed. Gaila was fighting but it was hopeless, Kirk was enjoying her struggling.  Then the shimmer of the transporter surrounded them and the next moment they were both on the small transporter pad of the shuttle with Spock looming over them. The Vulcan wasted no time with dispatching Kirk by a nerve pinch before the man could fully register what had happened. Spock guided the suddenly unconscious body to the floor as Gaila slipped out from under his weight. 

She was shaking with everything that had happened and the pain of her still broken arm, but she forced herself up allowing McCoy to rush past her and kneel by Kirk’s inert body as he started running scans. She felt like every eye was on her, taking in her bruised face and ripped clothing. Instead of answering the questions implied in their gaze she simply focused on Pike and said. “I got him” before walking toward the back of the shuttle to change.

/O\

McCoy watched as Kirk started to stir and then abruptly awoke. They had him in four-point restraints but there was still an air of apprehension as they waited to see which one would wake up.

Kirk blinked his eyes staring around confusedly at the narrow quarters of the tiny shuttle’s sickbay.  His confusion grew as he took in the motley assortment of people standing at the foot of his bed. “Captain Pike, sir…Bones?....” He struggled to sit up only to be the back by the restraints tugging at his limbs.  A wave of dizziness washed over him as he strained against the straps holding him down. He hurt all over, his nose was throbbing, his mouth tasted of old blood, a thick line of healing skin could be seen down one arm, and every other inch of his body was sore. It was startling since he had no memory of doing anything to cause the injuries.

Kirk fell silent as his eyes skimmed over the remaining faces.  The last thing he remembered was his cell on the prison transport, before he could ask, McCoy had moved closer pulling out a tricorder. “What’s the star date?”

“Bones what’s going on?”

“Answer the question Jim.” McCoy’s voice was brusquer than Kirk had ever heard. He answered the doctor’s questions and then waited for an explanation. When none was forthcoming he struggled to sit up again, still hampered by the restraints. “Somebody take these off me.”

“I don’t think that’s best right now.”

“What the fuck? Bones unlock these now!” Nobody made a move to do as he asked. McCoy turned back meeting eyes with Pike momentarily and then focused back on Kirk.

 Pike stepped forward. “Calm down son, it’s best for everyone if these stay on. “

“Bullshit!  Let me go. What, you think I’m some psychopath who needs to be locked up now?”

“Jim—“

McCoy didn’t get to finish. Instead Chekov who had been lurking in one of the corners moved closer accusingly. Kirk stared at him for a moment before the name came to him, he vaguely remembered the Russian boy from around the academy.  The teen’s voice was like ice. “You killed a man back at the academy…cut him up.”

McCoy broke in trying to get Chekov to be quiet. “Shut up—“

Chekov ignored the doctor and continued. “Gaila says you killed three more on that transport, plus you broke her arm and tried to do a lot more than that…so somebody needs to lock you up.“

“That’s enough.” Pike had crossed the room and grabbed Chekov by the shoulder, giving him a shake when the Russian boy refused to move. Chekov gave Kirk a last glare but then shook off Pike’s hand and stepped back. “The three of you step out and shut the door.” Pike nodded to Gaila and Uhura.

Kirk felt the color drain from his face. “Is what he said that true?”

Bones didn’t meet his eyes but gave a silent nod. Kirk swallowed, racing his brain to try to remember something, but it was all a blank. “What happened?”

“It’s not important, we’re going to get this figured out. Spock has—“

McCoy didn’t get to finish. Spock interrupted. “ We should refrain from telling him anything until we know for sure which personality we’re talking to.”

“You heard him give his name? What more do you want.” Bones frowned.

Kirk struggled to keep track of the conversation. “What do you mean? I’m me.”

Spock met his eyes. “It’s not a question of whether you are you Kirk, but rather whether which version of you is present.” Kirk shifted uncomfortably as the Vulcan’s scrutiny. “If you would allow me, I can verify which one of you is present, it should be mostly painless I will go no deeper into your consciousness than necessary.”

Kirk hesitated; he had an innate distrust of anything breaching his mind. But then again if he thought about it his mind had already been breached, from within.  He nodded and waited. Spock’s fingers neared his face but before they could make contact, a hand reached out halting the Vulcan.

“Hold it, just what the hell are you planning exactly?”

Spock shook McCoy’s hands off, barely avoiding showing his distaste at the unwarranted physical contact.  He didn’t appear as if he would deign to answer.

Pike answered instead. “It’s a mind meld.”

“And just how sure are you that this isn’t going to have any lasting damage?”

“This is not a mind meld technically speaking more like a telepathic touch; the incidence of harm is rare.” Spock answered.

“There’s no clear cut procedure for any of this—“

Sock cut him off smoothly, one would have had to really listen to hear the irritation in his voice. “Telepathy is a well versed technique on Vulcan for diagnosing various ailments. I regret that your studies on Earth are not sufficiently advanced that you have had a chance to encounter such complex methods.”

“You know what I’ve had it with you. This is a goddamn mind that you’re about to use as your plaything and didn’t we already discover that your people have done enough. Hell, did you forget what that bastard on the _Conquest_ said? One of your fucking cousins is probably responsible for this or is that a fact you like to gloss—“

McCoy fell silent at the look Pike gave him and instead settled for glowering at Spock. Spock pointedly ignored the doctor and instead turned back to Kirk. Without preamble the Vulcan’s fingers made contact and Kirk had a sensation of something feeling around his mind. Brief flashes of memories, feelings, and emotions passed through almost too fast to comprehend and then just as suddenly it was done.

Kirk opened eyes he didn’t realize he had closed. Spock was straightening up. “It’s only Kirk present at this time.”

/O\

He had been released from restraints which made things marginally better, but not by much. Everyone had retired to the main shuttle compartment and he was sitting in a chair in the middle well aware that everyone was watching him and trying not to appear like they were doing so.

While he had been unconscious—stunned actually—the rest had been busy. Apparently the two remaining officers on the conquest had been interrogated…and Spock had wiped their memories afterwards. As far as anybody knew the crew of the _Conquest_ had experienced a containment failure after a prisoner uprising. It was easier to vent the bodies of the dead crew and prisoners into space rather than explain why Kirk’s corpse wasn’t among the dead.

“So wulcans vere vorking with Kodos?”

“If the intel from the officers on the Conquest is to be believed, then yes.” Spock answered.

McCoy snorted. “I believe it , not like they had much choice with you threatening to mind rape them if they didn’t tell you what you wanted.”

Spock noticeably bristled. “A mind meld is not the same as a forcible sexual act and I had no intention of forcible melding with them I merely implied so to gain their cooperation”

McCoy’s retort was left unsaid as Pike gave the doctor a warning glance.

Pike picked up the thread of the conversation temporarily preventing another dispute. “We ran a check for any Vulcans that were among the Tarsus survivors and a few names came back. There’s nothing among their records that stands out but maybe some of the names sound familiar to you.”

Kirk took the data Padd being offered and scanned the list of names. It took a few moments for him to concentrate enough to even read the words. He could feel all eyes on him and knew that part of the reason was everybody was waiting for him to go crazy again. Chekov, the Russian kid was staunchly refusing to speak to him. Gaila had her arm in a makeshift sling as the break finished healing, and even though he had clumsily apologized for something he had no memory of doing he didn’t miss how the slight smile she have him in return didn’t reach her eyes or how quickly she had been to say she had  work elsewhere so she could get away from him.

Even Bones was treating him differently though in this case, it was only marginally off normal. Still it didn’t help to know that the hypo in his friends pocket wasn’t filled with drugs for anaphylaxis but instead a cocktail to knock him out should he go ape shit again.

He raised a hand scrolling through the names, until one made him pause. “Him, if anybody it’s him.” Kirk jabbed a shaking finger at the entry opening a bio and passed the Padd to Pike.

“Su’lak?” Kirk nodded wordlessly, and winced as a jolt of pain flashed through his head. McCoy noticed the expression and immediately whipped out a tricorder.

“What’s wrong? Dizziness, blurred vision—“

“A headache—“ Kirk pushed the tricorderr McCoy had shoved in his face out the way, and massaged his neck trying to ease the tension he felt building.  McCoy wasn’t to be deterred so easily.

“Jim this could be—“

“It’s a god damn normal as fuck headache Bones, not a goddamn descent into madness and I do not want a hypo for it, so piss off.”

McCoy snapped his tricorder shut but didn’t move back from where he had positioned himself near Kirk’s shoulder.

“Okay so he was some sort of doctor or scientist from what I remember.”  Kirk, rubbed his face trying to ease the pain which was building behind his eyes.  His voice was shaky as he picked up the thread of conversation and forced himself to recall more about the man. “Before the famine started he used to visit the schools and colleges. He ran tests on the students…not anything that would be considered odd…I think…I can’t really remember every session with him.”

“You were a part of these tests?” Pike asked straightening up from where he had been leaning against a console.

Kirk nodded. “Me and some of the other students …he said we were in some sort of advanced class. He was only interested in a few of us.” Kirk paused and then shook his head adding. “Fuck, I forgot about this for years…even back then I couldn’t remember what happened too well during those classes. Now, I...” Kirk trailed off.

He looked up to find Spock watching him. “It’s normal for memories you were forced to forgot to be remembered. The separation between you and your other consciousness is failing.”

“Which means what the fuck exactly?”

“Bones.” Kirk turned to McCoy, he just wanted to get this all over with and if his friend got started then yet another argument would start.

“Jim, this is important—“

“Shut the fuck up.” Kirk added as McCoy abruptly broke off. “Just let me finish.”

McCoy looked like he wanted to say something else but instead settled back with his arms crossed. Kirk turned to look at the rest of them. “Anyway…From what I remember he was running some kind of experiment on consciousness and mental dissociation. Kodos came a few times and they had us learning different stuff, weaponry, languages…how to kill. He was creating an army…there were so many of us. Su’lak was always there, every time I woke up…It was like I would black out and then when I woke up, I felt different, not just bruises and cuts I couldn’t explain—my _mind_ felt different. ”

Kirk broke off. Everybody was watching him, McCoy looked horrified.

Spock finally breached the silent. “If the man you speak is the same , he was banned from Vulcan at least fifty years prior.” Spock spoke up. The Vulcan continued as all eyes turned to him. “He was forbidden by the high council, after the full extent of his research was discovered.  He had numerous forays into separation of the mind, his exact research can best be summed up as trying to extract portions of an individual psyche and creating new personalities from them. He worked to create personalities and consciousness that were tailored for a specific task or ideology. However, his work was outlawed after several of the individuals became irreparable insane due to his….modifications.”

“Wait are you saying that this sick fuck is responsible for what’s happening to Jim.” McCoy asked.

“It is more than likely if he continued the same research on Tarsus.”

“Why the hell don’t you lock up your criminals like the rest of the galaxy?” McCoy rounded on Spock.

Spock didn’t rise to the bait and left McCoy to once again fume in silence.

“Continue son” Pike said gently nodding at Kirk, who had blanched at Spock’s words.

 Kirk cleared his throat. “After the first part of the massacre, I heard he was still continuing his research and some of the people I knew from before that were among Kodos saved weren’t the same once they spent time in the compound…. But nobody was the same then….people didn’t care what they did to live a little longer…and then when I was caught…I didn’t see him again but he came for some of the other prisoners…made them tell him what Kodos wanted to know…made them…do stuff.” Kirk bit his lips so hard he tasted blood in his mouth, as he remembered being back on Tarsus. “I always wondered why he didn’t do the same to me, why didn’t he just force me if he could, but he and Kodos used to talk like one day I would tell them what they wanted all they had to do was break me enough. And I remember back at the academy Lenore was saying something about how I was so much more than I knew …this is what she was talking about wasn’t it?...It’s because I’m not me not really, I’m whatever Kodos wanted me to be.”

Nobody answered but the answer was clear on every face.

Uhura interrupted the silence. “If they did this to Jim, then who knows how many others are walking around without knowing and one day something is going to set them all off.”

“I believe the “something” that would set them off has already happened.” Spock called up a series of news reports on his Padd and read them out loud.  “ A security guard named  Car’ro killed several prominent figures at a London diplomatic conference before killing himself. Richard  Lyons, a technician, on the New Horizon mining ship killed all his crew mates before stealing the ship and the dilithium cargo. Martha Calbury tried to assassinate the vice secretary of the UFP, these are just a few of  among at least a hundred other incidents. To casual observer there is no connection but upon closer inspection each and every one of them was a survivor of Tarsus.”

“So Kodos is setting whatever plan he has into motion, the only question is what’s the plan?” Pike mused out loud.

 “We have no way of knowing that. The officers on the Conquest didn’t even know they just had orders.”

“I know what the plan is.”

Everybody turned to face Kirk.

“How? Jim you said you don’t remember anything. “Bones added, his face revealing the caution that he tried to keep from his voice.

“I don’t but the other me does.” Kirk bit off a hiss of pain as the headache intensified like a spike was going through his brain.  He forced the words out pass teeth gritted from the pain. “I was one of Kodos’… favorites…if anybody knows what the plan is I do, it’s probably pre-programmed in my fucking brain.”He straightened up and looked Spock in the eyes. “Just do whatever stuff you do and pull it from my head.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why not? I can’t remember it all on my own, I’m giving you permission .” Kirk paused then continued with a forced levity. “Take the opportunity before I change my mind about somebody rooting around in my head.”

McCoy gave a hiss of displeasure behind him but Kirk ignored the doctor. Spock shook his head.  “I cannot _root_  around in your head as you say without causing severe damage. For me to find out what Kodos planned would mean searching your other consciousness, and he will not give up the information easily. Gaila, mentioned that he said he would rather die then be captured…we must extrapolate that he probably feels the same about giving us any information. If I forcibly extract information you will likley be in an irretrievable coma afterwards or even dead.”

Kirk swallowed sharply, weighing his options of which there were precious few. “Fine, do it.”

“Hold it” McCoy hurried to intervene by stepping between Kirk and Spock.  He turned to his friend. “Listen do you understand what Spock said? Dead Jim, as in not coming back or a coma for the rest of your life that’s your options…those are your only two options and you’re still saying yes? What the hell is wrong with you? What Spock’s suggesting shouldn’t even be an choice, good god man do you want to die?”

Kirk tightened his jaw. “This is the best option. Bones, I’ve killed at least four people and have no real memory of doing it, just little glimpses. I threatened to kill you, I’ve tried to kill Gaila, and who knows what else I’ve done. And I can’t remember one fucking clear minute of it. Sooner or later I’m going to flip again and wake up later to find out I’ve done something else…I can’t keep doing this.”

“Jim, that-that….person isn’t you.”

“Yes, he is. He’s a part of me, and you can say it’s not, but you’re not the one who woke up with somebody else’s blood splashed across you or saw photos of a man you dismembered.”

McCoy flinched at the reminder of what had been done to Relik.

“So I choose this, I rather be dead then live like this. And maybe this way you can find out what Kodos is planning, because Tarsus was just the start.” Kirk’s voice softened. “You didn’t see Tarsus Bones…you don’t want Joanna growing up in a galaxy Kodos even exists in.”

Kirk met McCoy’s eyes and the doctor looked like he might back down. Then his eyes hardened. “We’re not doing this Jim, there’s got to be another way.”

“There is no other way.”

“You just want to jump on the grenade is that it?  Make yourself a damn martyr?” Kirk didn’t bother to answer, instead he turned to Pike hoping that at least the captain would see the sense of the plan and allow him to proceed. Pike however was still discussing the procedure with Spock.

 “To find out the information you have to force the other part of his mind to give up the information right?” Pike asked Spock, the Vulcan nodded regarding Pike curiously.

“The best way to describe it would be having to pick his mind apart and searching for a proverbial needle in the wreckage.”

Kirk tried not to listen to closely, he had already made his decision and like it he was going through with it , but that didn’t mean he wanted to hear all the details.  Even so he couldn’t help overhearing. An insane desire to laugh fuelled by the absurdity of the whole situation, came to his lips as he imagined what people would have said a few centuries ago if they could have heard the predicament, it was like a modern day Dr. Jekyll , Mr. Hyde.  _It wasn’t like he wanted to die but what else could he do._ An idea occurred to him even as that though faded. It was a shot in the dark but it had to beat either death or permanent unconsciousness.

He blurted out. “Could you merge me back together?” The words sounded strange, mostly because it was off to think of himself as two people. He continued as the idea formed. “If that bastard Su’ Lak did manage to separate my consciousness or whatever, couldn’t you just undo what he did and then I would know what my other half already knows? Make the two halves one whole again”

“Theoretically yes, but the process would be difficult and have I would no idea where to start. Some of his early subjects were attempted to be merged by our most skilled minds and they failed. Even if he managed to refine his process so the separation is reversible undeniable damage was still done when he initially separated you. Your personality , memories will all be altered.  “

“But you could do it right?”

 Spock continued thoughtfully. “Yes I could. It would arguably be less damaging than attempting to forcibly extract information , however the risk are still there.”

“Right now you’re saying if you go picking in his mind he’s going to be dead or in a coma, I don’t think any other plan can get much worse.” McCoy growled.

“Agreed Doctor, however I doubt Kirk being criminally insane would be considered an improvement and  there’s about a 75% chance he will be if I attempt to merge his consciousnesses.”

“Okay, so we’re not doing this, either!”

Kirk glanced up. “Bones, this is better than—“

  
“Shut up Jim” McCoy rounded on him. “ You’ve got three options and they’re all likely to leave you fucked up as hell. So we’re not doing any of them.”

“This isn’t your decision!”

“Calm down son.” Pike ordered.

Kirk ignored him , his eyes were solely focused on the doctor who was vehemently threatening him now. “Like hell it is. You’re mentally unstable, I’m your doctor and  as of right now I’m declaring you unfit to make decisions for yourself. So I’m saying no.”

“This isn’t your fucking decision.” Kirk snarled, before he was aware of having done so, he had sprang from his seat and slammed McCoy against a bulkhead, with his hands gripping the doctor’s throat in a death grip. _He was going to kill him, he hated him. McCoy was always interfering…always interfering with his plan...interfering with his plan._ Kirk froze as the thought faded away.

As soon as he realized what he had done he backed away from the doctor, instinctively blocking Spock’s hand as the Vulcan’s fingers neared his shoulder preparing to deliver a nerve pinch.

He whipped around, breathing hard to find five sets of eyes fastened on him. McCoy was sputtering behind him as the doctor gasped for breath.

“Okay Jim, why don’t you just sit back down?” Uhura spoke soothingly, her face pinched with nervousness as she watched him. 

“We’ll take about this son, nobody’s got to make a final decision now.” Pike added.

Kirk was well aware that half of them thought he had switched over. He hadn’t missed Chekov silently slip a phaser from his pocket or that Gaila had edged even farther away from him.

He sat down, blinking back the pain of what was now an almost blinding headache. McCoy had gotten to his feet with Spock’s help and now was warily watching him. Kirk swallowed through a suddenly thick throat and tried to explain. “ I’m still me, I didn’t go dark side or whatever. I just don’t know what came over me, all of a sudden I …” He petered out unsure how to the feeling right before he had attacked McCoy.

Spock of all people surprised everyone by providing the answer. “You felt uncontrollable rage, perhaps thought a thought that wasn’t yours?”

Kirk glanced up from where he had been staring at the ground to avoid their gaze.  The words slipped out his mouth mostly from surprise that the Vulcan had characterized it so perfectly. “Yeah, I did…how did you know?”

“Many of the test subjects on Vulcan behaved similarly, their emotions became more and more labile and those who had managed to acquire second personalities increased in the frequency that the flashed back and forth as time progressed.”

“So, if he does nothing he vill still go crazy?”

“Crazy is  a broad term unable to encompass the full range of behaviors he will exhibit, but yes Mr. Chekov you’re essentially correct.” Spock answered.

McCoy looked like he wanted to object, but even the doctor knew when he was beat. “Fine but if we do this crazy mind meld crap, I’m monitoring every second of it.”

Spock nodded “Of course doctor, I—“

Kirk lost track of the conversation as agony surged through his head. He would have gladly took McCoy up the offer of a hypo right then, but he couldn’t even begin to form coherent words past the spike that he felt was in his skull.  His vision blurred, and nausea washed over him as the pain increased.  He leaned over with his head in his hands and was just in time to throw up .

Hands were touching him now; somebody was asking him what was wrong. He could hear Bones fumbling for a hypo, but that was all going distant. His awareness faded and everything went dark.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's your promised update...not my fav chapter. I feel my writing was off in places...but here you go anyway. Enjoy, we only have about two chapters left after this...

His head was throbbing but more like a dull ache. He was hunched over in a chair, a sour taste in his mouth and a pool of watery bile between his feet. Around him, he could hear concerned voices, it took a moment to reorient himself, the last thing he remembered was being transported to some sort of ship. The other’s memories came back in a flood; it was disconcerting to sort them all. He quickly glanced at the rest of the people occupying the room and realized nobody had figured out yet a switch had occurred. 

Kirk straightened up, and found McCoy’s concerned face looming over his. “Jim, how many fingers am I holding up?”

He sorted through his mind, figuring out how Kirk would respond and then irritably pushed the doctor’s hand out the way.  “Two, now get the hell away.”

Spock was watching him closely but he couldn’t tell if that was the Vulcan’s normal observant creepy ass stare or something else. 

“What was that Jim?” McCoy was now running a scan on him. Kirk was slightly apprehensive wondering would the test be able to determine that he wasn’t Kirk, but then he remembered the Vulcan had been the one confirmed who he was. So even if the doctor got some odd reading most likely he would chalk it to nerves, or pain.

“I dunno, my head really hurts…a migraine or something.” Kirk stalled for time, running his eyes around the compartment judging distance,, figuring out angles and determining how fast he could kill them. _First, Spock, then Pike and Chekov and Uhura…then Gaila…always save the best for…._

The thought broke off as McCoy groused. “Damn it, If your head was hurting that bad why didn’t you tell me.” He reached in his pocket and selected yet another hypo. “Hold still.”

Kirk let the doctor give him the hypo (his head really was hurting pretty bad) as he finalized his plan.

Pike was speaking now. “Spock how long will it take you to get set up for the meld? If we’re going to do this we should as soon as possible.”

“As soon as doctor McCoy has his monitoring equipment ready I will begin” Spock turned to Kirk. “I would suggest that you prepare your mind by trying to make it as blank as possible. Also—“

Kirk tried to play it off as a change of heart, but in any case, he knew he couldn’t allow the Vulcan to go through with the meld. “I’m not so sure I want to do this.”

McCoy looked surprised but then quickly backed him. “Finally, you’ve come to your senses.”

Spock on the other hand was regarding him even more curiously. “Minutes ago you were arguing vehemently for this to be done and now you do not want it?”

“That’s what I said.” Kirk  couldn’t help snarling.

Even Pike seemed confused. “This is your decision, but why the sudden change?”

“If we’re going to do this…meld, Spock shouldn’t be the one to do it. Vulcan is only a few days shuttle ride from here at most; Spock can contact a better trained healer there.”

McCoy slowly nodded his approval. “I’m not happy with any of those hobgoblins digging around someone’s melon but at least let’s have someone who knows what he’s doing.”

Spock glanced at the doctor but ignored the jib in favor of speaking to James. “The longer this procedure is delayed the more difficult it will become, at some point your consciousnesses may become too far disparate to be fused.”

“I understand.” _And I don’t give a fuck._ Kirk added mentally.

“In other words you may be stuck permanently shifting back and forth or the alternate consciousness may become the permanent one.”

Kirk nodded.

Spock started to speak again, but McCoy scowled. “I think Jim get’s the God damn gist,”

Kirk stood up, he had had enough of the conversation. Now was the time for some action.

“I do not doubt he understands.” Spock moved closer and Kirk tried to jerk  away from the Vulcan, but the man was too fast. Spock reached out touching his bare face “But I don’t think this is Jim.” James felt the briefest of touches to his mind and then before he could react fingers swiftly pinched a cluster of nerves and he blacked out.

/O\

Kirk came to, an hour later this time in sickbay. He was strapped to a chair with his hands behind his back and his legs tied. “Jim?”

“No, I don’t believe so doctor.” Kirk twisted his head  to see Spock standing to one side watching him thoughtfully.

McCoy still looked uncertain; he glanced at Spock. “How do you know which is which?”

“Body language doctor, and minute differences in their actions and syntax. A telepathic sense of his consciousness only confirmed it.”

McCoy shook his head and  back glanced at his friend, “I should have known something was wrong, when you let me give you a hypo without complaining like a whiny brat.”

“Jimmy is quite the crybaby isn’t he?” Kirk sneered as he worked away at the restraints holding him in place.

“So who are you?” McCoy asked curious against his better judgment.

“I’m the improved version of Kirk in a sense, but for sanity sake you can call me him.”  Kirk grinned. “And I’ll call you Bones, right up until I’m stripping the flesh off yours.”

McCoy seemed taken aback, and instead of commenting cleared his throat and picked up a Padd . He was staunchly avoiding Kirk’s gaze as he distractedly scrolled through lines of data. “Okay computer should be done calibrating any moment.”

 Uhura walked into sickbay stopping in front of Spock. “I found the reports you wanted sir and translated  them to standard for Dr. McCoy.” Spock nodded and Uhura turned to go, until she noted James was awake.

Her eyes were uncertain and Kirk knew the question but spared her having to ask. “Look all you want sweet heart. Jimmy has left the building…” He paused to undress her with his eyes. “Though I can assure you that I find your cute little ass just as hot as he did.”

Uhura shuddered, stopped to confer with Spock before heading out.

Kirk just grinned and leaned past Spock to call after Uhura’s retreating figure. “It may be a different person in here but the body’s just the same, ask your Orion friend for the specifics.”James started laughing at the expression on Uhura’s face as she turned around one last time before leaving.

He was still laughing as Pike stormed into the room. The captain didn’t bother to look at James and instead addressed McCoy and Spock. “Everything in place?”

McCoy glanced up from where he had been alternately reading the data and preparing a row of equipment. “ As much as I’ll ever be for something I’ve never been trained for.”

Spock merely contented himself with a nod.

 “ Okay let’s go.”

Kirk glanced back and forth. Still trying to free himself from the restraints, “I’m not going to let you do this, you have no fucking right.”

“Calm down kid, it’ll all be over in few.” McCoy added trying to run yet another scan on him. James twisted away violently, his eyes panicked.

“You’re really going to do this Spock? What would the rest of your people say?” Kirk continued his voice growing increasingly furious as the Vulcan neared. “Is that what you all do, force your way, force people to do what you want? And you call yourself an advanced race? What makes you any different than the Vulcan who created me anyway?”

Spock who hadn’t seemed initially affected by Kirk’s yells froze at the last words. “Captain, I do not believe I can continue.”

“Why? Spit it out Spock.” Pike couldn’t keep the irritation from his voice.

“There’s an issue of consent.”

‘Spock, Kirk agreed to this. You heard Jim as well as I did before this---personality—“ He glanced at where James was seated. “Took over.”

“That’s the problem. They are both parts of Kirk, while he may have initially consented , this…man… right now has not, and to continue anyway would be ethically---“

‘Spock this man doesn’t have a right—“

“I cannot….”

“He is a murderer, if he gets the chance he vill kill us all so vhy does he get a choice to say yes or no?” Chekov had entered the room unheard and joined in.

McCoy added. “I’m with Chekov here. Jim wanted this and if it has a snowball chance in hell of fixing him we need to do it no matter what this scum bag wants right now.”

“I’m right here, listening to it all, really difficult problems boys.” Kirk  grinned at Pike. “All’s ready to fix your precious Jimmy boy, Chris, but looks like Spock won’t get it up for me.”  Kirk twisted his head to where Spock was and continued lewdly. “Do all Vulcan’s have performance anxiety or is it just you?”

Pike had had enough. “Shut up!” Kirk didn’t oblige. Pike gestured to Spock. “A word with you outside Mr. Spock.”

He waited until the Vulcan had followed him out and then rounded on him. “Mr. Spock I get what you’re being asked to do is ethically reprehensible to you. And truthfully I’m not comfortable with it either.”

Spock nodded. “Then you see Captain why—“

“I’m not finished. But while I may find this wrong I think it  would be doubly wrong to allow thousands, maybe even more than that to die because we can’t find out what Kodos or his followers is up to in time to stop them.”

“As Vulcans we have a responsibility to use your abilities in a moral and ethical manner, to forcibly violate another’s mind is not doing so.”

“No it isn’t Spock, but is having who knows how many deaths on your head moral or ethical when you could have at least tried to prevent it? Is allowing a man to be continually imprisoned in his own body when he gave you permission to help him ethical? What are the ethics of letting these things happen when you have the power to prevent it?”

Spock didn’t answer.

Pike’s voice was lower but had even more conviction as he continued. “ We do right things and we do wrong things Mr. Spock.  That’s life, but inaction to avoid a lesser evil and in the process to commit a bigger one, makes you even more wrong.”

Then Pike strode back into sickbay, leaving Spock standing stock-still.

It was several minutes before Spock came Gaila and Uhura accompanied him. “I will proceed.”

Pike nodded.

“Pike gave you some motivation to get things working huh?” James glanced between Gaila and Uhura. “Which did he promise you if you screwed around with me? The little linguistic wonder or the hot Orion whore?”

Gaila flinched at the words. McCoy glanced over at her. “It’s not Jim; not really, he has no idea what he’s saying.”

“Fuck yeah, I do. Jimmy might not, but then again we’re really the same person, one mind, two different sides. I’m Jim when he can be who he actually is.” Kirk fell silent as Spock neared, he had been trying to free himself the entire time, but the restraints on his hands were three ply.  Not he gave a growl of frustration as he strained against the hold on him.

“You’re going to dislocate your shoulder or break something if you don’t stop.” McCoy told him.

Kirk ignored him, eyes focused only on Spock as he came closer.

“Try to calm your mind; I’ll be as careful as possible.”

Kirk snarled. “Fuck you, I’ll fight you every inch you bastard, I’ll rip all three of us apart, you, me and him.” Kirk strained against his restraints trying fruitlessly to free himself. His face was that of a trapped animal. “Twice I’ve had one of you Vulcans tampering in my mind…I know how you work now, if you do this you’re dead.”

Then Spock’s fingers neared. He felt the Vulcan’s mind against his like a massive weight, reaching crushing down. And he resisted. He fought, thrashing around with body and mind, refusing to be allow the intrusion. Spock continued his relentless pressure, and Kirk could feel him starting to push through. As the Vulcan pushed his way in Kirk screamed mentally and physically, he could feel parts of himself being pulled apart. He was shortly aware he had startled the man as he felt Spock falter, but then the Vulcan regained momentum. James felt himself falling away; all he was aware of was unending pain as his consciousness was slowly painfully obliterated. Every second was agony and his own screams reverberated in his ears as he fought the unyielding presence methodically destroying him.

/O\

Spock was unprepared for what he had to do. He had known it would be difficult to merge the consciousness, but the level he would have to destroy both to do so, was something he could have never comprehended. This twisted parody  of a mind meld was nothing like the few ones he had experienced throughout his life.  Kirk resisted at every turn, forcing him to gouge his way in.  Every movement forward was a battle to advance. Kirk’s consciousness was like trying to contain a scared frightened animal, as it tried to defend itself. There was no other way to describe it. He cut away layers of memories and emotions, letting the fragments fall away until Kirks mental barriers began to give way. As he ripped through the first one, he hesitated. He felt Kirk tense under his hands, and mentally experiencing the backlash as Kirk’s shattered consciousness sought to make good on his promise to destroy all three of them.  There was nothing left to do but continue forward now though, to leave his consciousness in the shattered state it would be in as a result of an unfinished merging would have been crueler than killing Kirk outright.

Spock was still aware enough to see the faces of the others. McCoy was bone white as he watched. Spock focused his awareness inward, already too committed to back out.

With each layer he pushed through, he was aware of the pain worsening. Through their shared bond the agony he inflicted was reflected back upon him. He could hear someone crying out mentally, begging for him to stop, but he was unable to determine which consciousness was pleading and in any case pulling out now would have caused just as much damage or even more than pushing forward would.  He pulled apart both consciousness’s. As he worked he became aware of something odder. Kirk’s mind held the tale-tell traces of a Vulcan’s tampering, but it wasn’t just remnants from alterations by one Vulcan.

Kirk had experienced repeated telepathic tampering by one Vulcan and then sometime later a mind meld by another that had hidden away some of the damage. And Spock recognized the telepathic signature of the second Vulcan. It was someone he knew well…

And there was something else…

Kirk wasn’t alone in his mind. There was someone else…just a memory …an essence really, but still there…

Spock couldn’t fully extract the remnant of foreign consciousness…to do so would have meant destroying a large portion of Kirk. If he did so, the man wouldn’t have been able to even function at higher than a vegetative state. All Spock could do was attempt to wall off portions and integrate the rest as well as he could into Kirk’s own personality.

Greatly disturbed by the information he had found Spock struggled to focus. Eventually he was able to  reorient himself and gradually he wove the pieces of Kirk’s mind back together. Memories flashed by from each consciousness along with fragments of thought  from both.

_…Meeting his aunt and uncle for the first time on Tarsus…_

_...A Vulcan’s fingers upon his temple as he opened his eyes for the first time. Another man stood in the background watching. “Hello, James I’m Kodos.”…_

_….Learning about the master plan in a group of hundreds of others, listening as Kodos outlined how he would bring about a new galactic order…_

_…playing on the once lush colony of Tarsus IV with other children…_

_…Waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare that seemed to real, he could still smell the odour of burning flesh as some man made him and several others watch as he killed one of the “inferior specimens.”_

_….jogging across arid ground with a rag-tag group of kids and teens following..._

_…”Do you want to forget?” Hot fingers on his temples and a familiar face, then oblivion…_

_…languishing in a filthy cell waiting to die..._

_…Drugs, fighting, sex, crime filling his early life and helping to keep the memories at bay…_

_…Joining Starfleet academy…_

_…Meeting Lenore and reawakening for the first time in years…_

_…Killing Relik and enjoying the slick warm feel of the man’s blood across his hands…_

_…Becoming stronger powerful—_

The memories broke off abruptly and Spock felt a tearing sensation, like a last effort of the condemned. He could feel the last remnants of other consciousness struggling to hold onto its identity, relentlessly Spock pushed through and he could almost imagine he felt its death throes as both  Jim Kirk’s  ceased to exist as the two halves became one whole.

Spock pulled out and came back to himself. Kirk was slumped forward in his seat unconscious. And everybody else in the room was staring at the two of them with horrified expressions on their face. Spock reached up as he felt a tickle near his hairline and was surprised to find his brow damp with sweat.

“Did it work?” Pike asked, his voice unsteady.

Spock stared blankly at Pike for a few moments, he felt faint, the memories, sensations, thoughts he had inadvertently gained from the meld refused to come to order in his mind, everything seemed surreal.  The neural stress from the monumental task he had undertook were threatening to send him into unconsciousness. It took a extreme amount of biocontrol on his part just to attempt to achive some sort of balance over his own mind. When he finally glanced up again, Pike was watching him worriedly. Spock answered. “I believe he is merged, however I have no way of being certain until he wakes up.” _If he wakes up_ was left unsaid but the words were clear in everybody’s face. 

Spock had started to undo Kirk’s restraints when McCoy swore. “Damn it.” He snatched a hypo off a nearby tray and jabbed it into Kirks neck. After a quick consultation with his tricorder he swore again. “Help me get him onto a biobed.”

“What’s happening?” Spock asked as he scooped Kirk’s inert body onto a bed.

“He’s going into neural shock that’s what.” McCoy moved quickly as he talked hooking up sensors and readying hypos. He practically spat the words out as he worked.  “ His  heart rate is in the 190’s and climbing, B/P is tanking and his endorphins are through the roof, neurotransmitters are rocketing, pretty much what you’d expect after spending the last ten minutes being fucking tortured by somebody.”

It took Spock a moment to figure out just who the somebody McCoy was referring to was but before he could respond, McCoy was already continuing his voice growing angrier. “He spent the first few goddamn minutes yelling for you to stop and then after that it was just yelling, like somebody was fucking killing him.” It was at that moment the heart rate sensor chose to flat line.

Spock stepped back, leaning again a bulkhead to keep himself upright. He saw the concerned glance from Uhura, but ignored her questioning gaze in favor of, watching as McCoy raced around the tiny sick bay trying to resuscitate Kirk. Inside he was a roiling mass of emotions, he had done what was asked of him. But now he wondered if it would have been better if he had refused or even…just killed Kirk during the meld…It might have been the kinder alternative.

If Kirk lived…who would he be? His mind was so damaged and altered that it would probably be a miracle if he was even  marginally sane.

He felt Uhura touch his arm and sensed her attempt to comfort him, but her attempts did nothing to alleviate the guilt he felt. He remembered the words of his father when he had told him that he was leaving for Starfleet.  _“They do not understand us Spock. If you choose to persist in this course of action you will find your values subverted and you will become something you do not want to be.”_ He now only felt an emotion he was distressed to categorize as anger at his father’s words.

To quote a human expression, his father was a _fucking hypocrite._

Already since joining Starfleet Spock had faced more ethical and moral dilemmas than a Vulcan would in possibly a lifetime on his or her home world. Even Uhura with her human mores and customs sometimes made him uneasy as she contrasted sharply with how he had been raised to believe a Vulcan woman should act. But the events of the last few days had shaken his foundations to the core and made him rethink his decision to join Starfleet.  Spock had been forced to lie, had found out many of his superiors were actually in support of a mass murderer, had threatened a forced mind meld on three men and had actually completed one on another. And the final straw had been finding out just how involved his own species was involved in one of the greatest disasters in the history of the Federation…how his own father was involved.

McCoy watched anxiously hoping the last hypo would take effect. There wasn’t much more to do Kirk’s body would either come back or as Spock had warned he would die. Outwardly McCoy was cursing Spock, and inwardly he couldn’t blame the Vulcan.  Spock had only done what Jim wanted and what was probably the best thing for him, even if it did wind up killing him. McCoy knew Jim would have preferred death in any case to how he had been living the past few days.

Slowly the life sign monitor crept upward. “Thank God.” McCoy whispered letting out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding as Kirk’s heart started up again.  He turned around and to find a stricken Spock lingering nearby watching with the rest and surprisingly Gaila inches from Kirk’s bed. The green woman looked tentative as she reached out to touch Kirks face. “Is he going to be okay now?”

McCoy didn’t really know how to answer.

Spock found himself answering, his voice had an uncharacteristic note of bitterness, his voice had an unusual hard edge. “No, he will not.”

McCoy turned around, his frustration boiling over and eager to have a release. “What do you mean? All you had to do was just fuse his conscio—“

“Shut up doctor.” Spock glanced away from McCoy’s shocked face to find Pike  and the rest of them staring at him. The accumulated stresses of the meld was catching up to him  but the rest of them needed to know. He took a deep breath then answered the unspoken question. “I didn’t have to _just fuse_ his consciousness. Kirk had another… _piece_ of a consciousness, for want of a better word, in his mind…an imprint would probably be the best way to describe it. Additionally he had a large portion of his memories almost destroyed in an attempt to cover up what was done on Tarsus.”

“What?” Pike said.

Black was eating away at the corner of his vision, but Spock forced himself to stay conscious long enough to answer. “Kodos left a piece of his mind in Kirk’s. And after Kirk was rescued on Tarsus apparently….” He paused then added. “My own father saw fit to hide Kirk’s memory of what had happened on Tarsus.”

He could see the questions, swirling through their eyes but they would have to wait. His eyes closed and he surrendered to waiting unconsciousness.


	21. Chapter 21

Gaila watched as Kirk breathed in and out. He hadn’t woken once in the almost two days since the mind meld.  Spock was in likewise straits, he had been unconscious for around 18hours and but at least he was up walking  and talking now. Kirk on the other hand hadn’t fared as well.

McCoy said he had brain function, but he couldn’t determine the exact levels and the readings were erratic. Spock had offered to do “diagnostic meld”, a suggestion, which had generated a series of yelled deprecations  from McCoy until Pike had intervened.

Spock’s revelation right before he had lapsed into unconsciousness hadn’t been taken well by anyone. The knowledge that Kirk somehow retained a piece of Kodos was unexpected but not something that couldn’t have been considered. However, the larger issue of Spock’s own father being involved in Tarsus was something that was harder to explain, it begged the question, just how far did all this go. Thus far, the news they were getting from the federation wasn’t encouraging. More and more seemingly random events were happening, assassinations, stolen vessels…chaos that was being swept under the rug and hidden in the guise of Starfleet confidential intel. What to do next was up in the air. They could release all the information they had found thus far and pray that someone who _would_ actually care and _could_  do something would intervene. Considering how far people in Starfleet were going to cover up the slow acts of terrorism being committed by the former survivors of Tarsus IV and the lengths they had already gone to kill the one person who might reveal all was enough to give everyone caution.

Pike wasn’t being helped in deciding what to do by Spock who was being notoriously tight-lipped about everything he had experienced in Kirk’s mind. He had given them a briefing of what he had found, but nothing much to go on and he claimed to not know what Kodos plan was.

Gaila wasn’t sure she believed Spock. After finding out Starfleet was lying, commander after commander, admirals and captains alike she was disillusioned…and she could tell many of the others were too. It wasn’t too hard to start taking a close look at Spock and wondering if somehow, even he was a part of whatever Kodos master plan was.

Pike tried to nip the accusations off, but even though he stopped McCoy’s comments he couldn’t stop the sidelong gazes from Chekov or the distrust beginning to permeate the small ship.

They needed answers and the only person who could provide them was unconscious…whether for a few more hours…or days…or forever, no one knew.

McCoy was sleeping uneasily  in a tiny corner of the sickbay after he had fell asleep running a scan with his tricorder. It had taken the combined efforts of Gaila and Chekov to maneuver the doctor into the chair which he was currently in.

Gaila had taken up the vigil near Kirk’s beside accompanied by an irritated Chekov who was still harboring a grudge against the unconscious man for his treatment of Gaila ad had appointed himself her impromptu bodyguard.

Gaila was at the point of drowsing herself when Kirk’s fingers tightened on her own. He had been doing that for hours now, small muscle twitches, eyes flickering back and forth under his eyelids…it wasn’t much but it was something. As Gaila watched something changed, the life sign indicator above his bed rose and the reading on the panel above showing his brainwaves spiked. Gaila turned, halfway out her seat to wake up McCoy when Kirk’s fingers tightened again on her own and she heard a strangled gasp.

Kirk was awake.

His eyes darting back and forth, expression confused and panicked. “Where are we?”

Gaila started to answer but the words died on her lips as she registered what he had said… _not where am I? Where are we?_  Was he talking about where he and the rest of the ships’ inhabitants were or was that a slip and he was referring to himself as two consciousness.

Before she could decide he tried to sit up, hampered by the restraints still tying him down. McCoy had adamantly agued to take them off, but Spock and Pike hadn’t allowed him.

Now, she was grateful as Kirk strained against the restraints, almost so that she thought they might break. His face was terrified as he turned to her. “Please let me go. Please.”

His face looked younger with a combination of desperation and fear. Just as quickly he changed, ripping  his hand away from hers, his voice angry, cold and calculating. “Let me go, or—“

“Or what?” Gaila twisted around at McCoy’s voice to find the doctor had woken up and was watching behind her.

Kirk didn’t answer, instead he watched McCoy, anger morphing back to confusion. “McCoy…Bones?” He said the name like he was testing it out, fitting the pieces of a puzzle together.

“Yeah,” McCoy came closer walking slowly. “Do you know who I am?”

Kirk hesitated then nodded. “Let me go.”

McCoy didn’t move at first. Chekov said what they all were thinking as an undertone. “How do we know this is him and not the other one.”

“We don’t.” McCoy answered, still watching Kirk.

“Let him up.” Everybody turned around at the new voice to find Spock had entered unheard.  Spock ignored their gaze and instead walked up to Kirk who had stopped fighting and was staring at Spock almost blankly.

“I’m going to help you.” Spock reached out his fingers nearing Kirk’s temples, and Kirk froze. Before Spock could make full contact McCoy grabbed his arm.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“His personality is still stabilizing.” Spock continued. “Until it does to a significant degree he will experience great neural stress as his mind attempts to assimilate all the conflicting information and memories that his two consciousness have accumulated.”

“So what exactly are you doing.”

“In layman’s terms, offering him a proverbial crutch until he is able to do so one his own. The longer Kirk takes to become coherent the longer we have no idea what Kodos plan is.”

McCoy looked like he wanted to argue, but reluctantly he nodded. “Go, on.”

Without further preamble, Spock leaned forward. His voice was probably the most kind McCoy had ever heard as the Vulcan whispered almost too low for him to hear. “This will not hurt Jim.”

Seconds later nothing particularly notable had happened, but Spock was straightening up and Kirk reopened his eyes.

McCoy wearily released the restraints holding Kirk and watched as his friend sat up. “What’s the star date?”

Gaila supplied the answer.

“We don’t have much time. I have to go.”

“What?”

“He wants his army…He wants me…He needs me.” Kirk paused, and fought off a wave of dizziness.  “I have to go to him.”

All the alarm bells were going off in McCoy’s head. He felt his heart sinking at Kirk’s words. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Those are my orders.”

Kirk made to stand up abruptly and that was when all hell broke loose. An errant phaser beam narrowly missed Kirk as he dodged to the side.  McCoy turned to find Chekov was the one who had fired, he was too late to disarm the teen and he was too late to stop Kirk.

“Listen to me!” Kirk yelled. He didn’t get a chance to speak again, Chekov tried to fire, Kirk moved and attempted to disarm Chekov. The Russian teen put up a surprising resistance.  Kirk reeled backwards as a kick slammed into his chest, before he could recover Chekov had laid into him forcing the fight down to the deck. Kirk felt his nose break yet again, but the Russian boy was too enraged to think clearly use the advantage he had gained. The phaser had fell from his grasp and lay forgotten a short distance away. One moment of distraction as all that was needed and Kirk had bucked Chekov off grabbing the phaser off the floor. He got slowly to his feet, holding the phaser level at Chekov’s head.

The room was flooded with people now. Uhura and Pike had arrived with all the commotion.

 “Put it down.” McCoy was bleeding heavily from a gash to his feet as he spoke.

Kirk shook his head.

“Just put it down Son.” Pike said soothingly stepping forward.

“No” Kirk shifted his grip on the phaser trying to figure what to do. “Look, I’m not…” He petered off realizing that any argument for his sanity was probably a lost cause while he was technically holding Chekov hostage. He lowered his phaser slightly nodding to Chekov move away. The scowling Russian teen complied and everybody relaxed marginally.

“Okay Jim now put the phaser down.” McCoy added. “We’ll just talk about this.”

Kirk knew it was a lie he already spotted McCoy surreptitiously pulling a hypo out. Before the doctor could do so, Kirk flicked the settings of the phaser up to max and turned it towards himself.  “I’m not crazy, if you think I am then fine…I’ll save you the  trouble and kill my own self, but you have to listen to me first.”

A look of incredulousness crossed Spock’s face like this was one scenario he hadn’t considered.  In other circumstances Kirk would have found the expression funny but as it was now he didn’t have time for levity he just needed somebody to listen to him.

“Jim, what the hell do you think you’re doing.”  McCoy made like he was going to come closer.

Kirk ignored him, looking at Spock as he spoke. “I’m not crazy. This is the only way. Kodos wants me and I have to go to him.”

“What?”

“He’s right.” There was a collective ripple of unease as Spock spoke agreeing with Kirk. “Let him explain.”

The uncertainty was palpable but only increased as Kirk spoke. “I’m not the only one…” Minutes later Kirk finished, ending too shocked silence as he let the now disarmed phaser fall from his hand.

/O\

They had moved from sickbay to the front of the shuttle and Kirk’s statement which had started out hotly debated was now reaching grudging agreement by the rest of them.

McCoy couldn’t believe what he had heard…this was insane and yet it fit. If Kirk was correct there was hundreds if not thousands of sleeper agents were in key positions to take down the federation and Starfleet. And that wasn’t counting the people from inside and outside Kodos _chosen_  who would voluntarily support the revolution. Except it wasn’t going to be a revolution, what Kirk was describing would be a blood bath. Billions would die in the resulting carnage— all at a madman’s whim.

And what Kirk said wasn’t the end. Spock spoke once again, his voice curiously rife with an emotion that sounded like anger. “We do not only have Kodos _chosen_ to contend with. We must also consider that a certain percentage of Vulcan’s are also supporting Kodos.” Spock crossed to a console and pulled up a list. “In the years prior to Tarsus no less than three thousand Vulcans visited Tarsus or the surrounding system. It’s unlikely that these instances are coincidence.”

McCoy could feel the blood draining from his face as Spock continued talking. “My father is a member of the Vulcan council of Elder’s and yet he saw fit to alter Kirk’s memory of the events on Tarsus. It’s logical to extrapolate that there are other Vulcans who are in influential positions and were in support of Kodos. After Tarsus there were very first person accounts of what happened, the truth of Tarsus was severely suppressed. However, now I don’t the lack of coverage can all be attributed to nondisclosure acts…it’s possible that hundreds of people had similar mind wipes after Tarsus and if so there is an undeniable probability that Vulcans were responsible. ”

“In other words you’re saying we have a war on all on fronts.” Pike added.

“Exactly, Captain.”

/O\

“There are a lot of us. He didn’t—I don’t know—the exact number.”

Kirk paused, well aware of how what he was saying was coming across. After his and Spock’s revelation in sickbay , they had retired to the front of the shuttle and though it wasn’t explicitly said Kirk could tell everybody wanted answers…specifically from him.

What they didn’t realize was he was having just as much trouble as them or probably more in assimilating what was going on. Not only did he have an entire consciousness of memories, thoughts and feelings to assimilate but he also had the events of the last few days. Now, he didn’t have McCoy’s recount of what he had done to Gaila to contend with…he had a full memory of him pinning her down and trying to rape her. He didn’t just have pictures of descriptions of the men he had killed, instead he remembered killing them and enjoying it.  He felt anger that wasn’t his own, joy fury, hate…hundreds of other emotions and memories. He was so close to going insane from it all. His mind was no longer his own.

The miasma of guilt, anger, horror and so many other emotions was overpowering…and yet he felt like he couldn’t tell anyone just how tenuous his grasp on sanity was. If they knew there was no way anyone would back his plan…and for better or worse what he had suggested was the only way to stop Kodos. The man had to be taken down from the inside. 

Kirk steeled himself and glanced at the faces all turned staring at him with varied expressions, before his eyes finally landed on Spock meeting the Vulcan’s eyes. There was something about the other man’s steady gaze and the almost imperceptible nod that gave him the strength to tell the rest.

“Kodos, had a program at the university on Tarsus IV where he selected the ‘best and brightest’ for some sort of advanced classes or whatever…I’m not exactly sure what he told our families. Most of us were teenagers, there were some adults too…in their twenties  at the oldest. We never remembered the classes afterwards, but he—I can remember—now.”

Kirk shifted and cleared his throat. “Su’lak mind melded with us…he had helpers too…other Vulcans from the colony. All I remember is after one episode, I—he—the other me woke up. There were over a hundred of us in the group I was in. All our other consciousness had different names, and we had the same purpose implanted: to destroy the federation. He taught his to kill, to sabotage, to destroy…he was raising an army and we were his soldiers. He called us his children... At the end of each training session he would send our consciousness back to sleep and our original consciousness would awake without any memory of what happened.”

“Bastard.” Pike muttered softly.

Kirk didn’t bother to respond, it was easier to continue now that he had started then to stop. “We all had specific task to perform.  When he created the famine he was nearly finished with the ships he had built—“

“Wait, you mean the famine was engineered?” Uhura whispered the words with horror.

Kirk nodded wordlessly, ignoring the other’s gasps he continued. “ The famine was a diversion.. He was building a fleet of ships to destroy the Federation—I found out—me and—and—another one of the colonists. I didn’t tell anyone at first, I was scared. And  when I did no one believed me—and it was too late . He executed the colonists as a diversion because people were dissenting openly against him. That’s why he only killed two thousand of us in the first few months, he was planning on  taking the rest of us and changing us into his soldiers.” Kirk paused then added bitterly. “People thought Kodos was being merciful when they found out a lot of the kids and younger adults on Tarsus had been spared…Kodos didn’t care about being merciful. We were the ones he could control.”

“ He always planned on killing half the colony but the way he did it with the famine then the executions was meant to show people just how powerless the federation was.  The colony ships were set to be finished around the time the graviton blackout on Tarsus ended. Kodos planned on killing the rest of the colonists who were not his followers then destroying the planet and therefore any evidence directly implicating him. There would be old messages begging for him,  EM beacons floating in orbit, but the direct evidence of Tarsus would be gone. All that would remain would be the knowledge of a mass famine, the executions and some subsequent unexplained event that wiped the surface of almost clean.” Kirk fell silent.

“But Starfleet came before he could finish…” Pike added.

There was silence as everybody waited for Kirk to continue, but he couldn’t. Kirk was trembling with the knowledge of what he had done…what had happened next.  He didn’t want to tell and yet he had too. He was breathing too fast, he felt close to passing out when a surprisingly gently and yet firm voice answered for him. “With your permission…I will tell the rest, Jim.”

Kirk didn’t answer to the affirmative or negative instead he turned to Spock, watching as the Vulcan understood his silence for the agreement he could not speak.

McCoy broke in before Spock could speak. “Wait, how are you—“

Spock’s voice was firm and held just the hint of irritation. “During the process of rejoining Kirk’s mind , I have gained a certain familiarity with his memories…both sets of them.”

“So—“

“Doctor.” Pike said, cutting off McCoy’s newest set of irate questions.

Spock took advantage of the silence. “Months after the famine had began, things had gotten even more dire. Kirk was desperate, somehow he managed to break into Kodos compound and subsequently his communications. Logically no one should have been able to get a message past the graviton fields and gravimetric anomalies surrounding Tarsus IV, but improbably a message did reach a ship. “

Spock continued. “Kodos cared about power, he was obsessed with it. Kirk managed to leave Kodos compound, but he was detected. After less than two days he was caught and brought back, by this time Kodos had found the message and destroyed it, but he was unaware that same message had gone much further than he had thought. It would reach Captain Robert April and ultimately lead to the rescue of the people of Tarsus.

“Kodos knew what had happened when Kirk had breached the compound…but he was sadistic he pretended he did not.” Spock paused and Kirk felt the Vulcan’s eyes glance at him in concern before he continued. Kirk tightened his hands into fists, fingernails biting into his skin as he forced himself to listen. “He had Kirk brought to him, he wanted Kirk to confess why he had come into the compound. Kirk refused thinking that as long as Kodos didn’t know about the S.O.S he had sent then that was a little longer for someone to hear it and send a ship to investigate. He threatened, he cajoled, and ultimately he told him that others would pay for his obstinance.”

Kirk knew his face was bone-white now, he couldn’t force himself to look at any of the others. Only Spock held his gaze, providing strength as he told the story that both of them now knew, …that both of them now felt.

“Kirk was made to watch as 200 were executed, only that wasn’t enough…” Spock paused as Kirk made a strangled noise.

 _You do not need to stay for this._ The thought flitted into Kirk’s mind so fast he couldn’t be sure if it was his own or another’s, but as he watched Spock wait his eyes giving him the same opportunity Kirk knew that memories weren’t the only residual from the intimate link they had shared.

Kirk took over the story, feeding off the Vulcan’s strength of mind to bolster his own. “He made me execute them…at least fifty…maybe more. He had the other consciousness brought forth….and I—he would have easily told him what he wanted, but Kodos wanted me to tell. He had the other consciousness kill them…and made me watch trapped in my own body. At that time I thought I was going crazy…” His throat was dry and he had to force the words out, even so they were barely above a whisper. “I watched them fall, blood dripping down, skin and bone exploding, seared flesh….I saw my own hands holding the weapon and firing…and I finally couldn’t take it anymore…I was ready to tell, and just as I thought that I was in control again. I told him about the message…and—and—“ Kirk felt tears pricking his eyes as he finished. “and he laughed and said he already knew.”

“He kept me for days after that..I was his project now. He wanted me to tell him about the others…Kev, Molson, Tommy….but I didn’t. He always told me he could make me tell if he wanted…and after what had happened before I believed him, but he never made me….because he wanted me to submit to him…he wanted me to give in, to be broken so what he had programmed into me would take over. Starfleet came at the eleventh hour. He was days away from launching his ships and so close to breaking me.”

There was silence as he finished.  Every eye was on him, Gaila was quietly crying, Uhura had a look of pure horror on her face, Pike was furious and everyone else was in similar states of shock and anger.

Chekov said what everyone else was thinking as he asked. “So vhat do ve do now?”

“We stop that goddamn bastard that’s what.” McCoy answered his regular accent uncharacteristically thicker belying just how pissed he actually was.

Pike spoke laying out an actual plan. “We need a better ship and we need a larger crew…I know where we can find both. Lay in a course Mr. Chekov for heading 894. Mark 6. We’ll _borrow_ a ship then rendezvous with the U.S.S _Aerfen_ …it’s time to call in some favours.”

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Muriel Kalliokoski and Lin for taking the time to preread this chapter...any further errors are mine. I hope you enjoy this last bit of the story.

_1002_

_1003_

_1004_

Kirk counted each punch as he threw it. His knuckles were bleeding, they had been for a while now. His fist was sore, his body ached and yet he couldn’t stop. Either he did this or he was going to go after someone else.

In the days since Spock had melded with him he was better…if what he had now could be counted as better. Instead of feeling of two consciousness at war with each other he had learned to control the contrasting thoughts and feelings. He was in control now…but just barely. Every feeling was stronger, sadness, fear, happiness…but especially anger.

Someone had pissed him off…he wasn’t really sure who at this point. It could have been anyone…in fact it had been _everyone_ at some point or another over the past few weeks. The smallest things seemed to set him off…Bones trying to run some diagnostic after Kirk had told him he was fine…Gaila insisting they talk…Chekov hovering around waiting for him to lose it…Pike asking him what he remembered during a briefing. It all was the same to him, though thankfully he had managed to get in control to the point where he no longer shattered the data padd he was holding or tried to strangle the other person.

He knew that if the others had known just what was happening to him—how tenuous and feigned his attempt at control was— they wouldn’t have let him go after Kodos. And he didn’t blame them, but they didn’t understand how important it was that Kodos be stopped. Letting Kodos continue wasn’t worth one person’s life…it wasn’t worth all of theirs combined…because Kodos wouldn’t stop at one person or even one planet…all would suffer for a madman’s dreams of what was right.

So, instead Kirk worked out until he was sore and bloodied, then he snuck back to his cabin and used the dermal regen he had stolen from McCoy to make himself presentable. It was just barely enough to keep the bloodlust at bay.

“You’ve been at this activity for 2 hours and 47 minutes and still have not managed to gain control. You’re getting worse…not better.”

Kirk twisted, pivoting to face the new voice, fists raised, eyes narrowed. He froze at the sight of Spock standing barely a meter from him. Spock’s face was impassive, all except for his eyes. There, his worry was evident.

For some reason Spock’s face had Kirk feeling even more angry. He gritted his teeth and a muscle twitched in his jaw as he struggled to maintain control. And yet even with his anger , he had another emotion  warring with the anger. He was desperate…he needed Spock…Spock could make this all better.

“No.” Kirk answered having to force his hands back towards his sides, he wanted to grip the Vulcan’s throat, to strangle him and watch as he died…he wanted to grab a phaser…and set it to kill…Uhura…Gaila…Pike…McC— _No_.

Kirk forced his mind away…he could do this…he was in control of his own mind. _He was in control._

_You are not._

Kirk jerked backward like he had been slapped as the new thought flitted into his mind. He looked at Spock whose face was the same as ever but Kirk knew…had realized it for a while now. “You’re reading my mind aren’t you?”

“Not reading…I have not gone into your thoughts to discern what you are thinking since you last gave me permission.” Spock paused, then continued. “You are projecting them outward…Some humans are more Psi-inclined than others. The recurrent mind melds you experienced as child have opened that innate talent and when your consciousness’s were merged  the resultant trauma has only made your mind even more vulnerable.”

“And let me guess, you can fix it right?” Kirk couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice. At this point, it wasn’t even that he mistrusted Spock…it was more that he was tired of being violated…for good or bad. Even his mind wasn’t his own anymore.

“This is your choice. I will not force it on you.”

That made him angrier…because it was a lie. He didn’t have a choice…never had a choice not since he was a little kid sent to Tarsus and forced to become an unwilling participant in Kodos' schemes. Not when Lenore had forced his other consciousness to surface back at the academy. And he didn’t have a choice now because Spock had already forced his way in, already destroyed what they—he—was and made him into something else.

The tension was mounting, his anger was so strong it was like a physical being he had to restrain. He was breathing hard as he nodded. Spock reached out, his fingers nearing, and that action triggered a response that was almost automatic. _Not again. Not again._

Kirk reached out and  before Spock could make contact Kirk grabbed his wrists.

Spock didn’t fight back. Instead Kirk heard. _You want to kill, don’t you?_

Kirk struggled to control himself, but without meaning to he confessed. _Yes…_ then an unintentional stream of images _. Uhura lying with a knife in her back. McCoy eviscerated on the sick bay floor…Pike beheaded…countless, nameless, faceless people all dead by his hand._

Aloud he whispered. “I can’t control it.”

Spock was equally quiet as he answered. “Then don’t.”

It was Kirk’s turn to be confused…then Spock’s mind was there again. _You will not hurt me Jim, not like you will hurt others if you don’t give in now…Let go._

Kirk thought he knew what Spock was telling him, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was  trembling with the effort to suppress his desires. Spock saw, and gave him the push he needed. He knew what Kirk’s reaction would be.

Spock ripped his hands free from Kirk’s grip, allowing one of his hands to continue its journey toward the other man’s temple. Kirk instinctively blocked him and then it was like that action had been the finally lynch pin before he let loose.

He was deadly and efficient and if Spock had been anything but a Vulcan and one who had been trained in more than just academy martial arts he would have been dead within the first minutes. Instead, he held his own, not trying to do more than prevent Kirk from doing irrevocable damage. As it was after less than ten minutes Spock had a severely broken nose, bruised ribs and was lying pinned on his back.

He could have gotten up…but instead he let Kirk seize the opportunity. The other man’s eyes were darkened…something ugly and inhuman in them, and yet maybe Spock was crazy…because he still saw something of Kirk in there too.

Kirk’s fingers gripped his throat, fingers digging in, crushing his trachea. Slowly, the pressure increased minutely second by second.

_Jim._

He watched as Kirk’s eyes flickered with curiosity, then dimmed over as he dismissed the thought.

_Jim, stop._

Kirk’s fingers froze, not halting the pressure but not increasing it either.

_Stop._

Seconds passed, and Spock almost thought it was a lost cause…then he felt it, tentative, but still there. The spark of Kirk that was Kirk… _I can’t_

_You can._

_It’s too strong._

_You are stronger._

Kirk wasn’t speaking, instead he was shaking his head, his fingers back to tightening, even as he eyes looked hazy with the beginnings of tears. Spock could have freed himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to, he felt partly responsible for what had happened to Kirk..more than partly responsible. It had been his people, his father, his own hands that had sought to destroy Kirk so thoroughly that nothing of what he was remained….what made Spock’s life worth more than Kirk’s?

_Then I will die._

Kirk’s fingers held, growing tighter and tighter, his entire body was trembling with the internal war being waged. Then abruptly he released his grip, pulling his hands away and stumbling to his feet.

Spock got to his feet, sucking a lungful of air gratefully through his very bruised throat.  Kirk was standing across from him his eyes wet with unshed tears. “Fix me.” His quiet voice was begging, and it made Spock wish with everything he had that he had a way of truly granting the other man’s request.

His voice was quiet as he answered. “I can help Jim…but you must fix this for yourself.” He reached out with his consciousness gently brushing Kirk’s mind, bolstering what he could but it was paltry compared to the damage already present. As he pulled back to himself he saw that Kirk was calmer and so he spoke. “We have barely days left for you to learn to control yourself enough to avoid detection.”

Kirk laughed mirthlessly. “Then Kodos is going to find me.”

“No.” Spock shook his head, inwardly wincing as the movement aggravated his sore neck. “You can do this…you proved that just now.”

“What?” Kirk paused and then understanding dawned. “You just nearly let me kill you to prove that, didn’t you?...why?”

“Because it was the only way you would understand. You are capable of much more than you know.” Spock paused, wondering how in the short time he had come to know Kirk things had changed so much…and yet it was true. “And because I believe _you_ of all people can do this Jim.”

Their eyes met at that…and Spock let all the words he didn’t know how to say be read there.

/O\

_Docking bay 41 , outside U.S.S Aerfen_

Pike moved through the throngs of people, hurrying through the station. It was fortuitous that two of the people he had considered as contacts were in the same location at the same time. Thus far it was one of the few good things that had happened. Starfleet officially listed that Kirk had died in a shuttle accident but from his remaining contacts at the academy he knew that Starfleet wasn’t convinced about his demise. The ship Pike had managed to “borrow” from an old contact was barely space-worthy. And Kirk the lynch pin of the whole plan was still adjusting to the effects of Spock’s meld.

Sulu was one of the best pilots in the fleet, though Pike admitted  he had only kept a cursory oversight of the young man’s career. He would have wanted him on his ship’s crew when he had been captain, but Pike respected Sulu’s wishes to remain near the border areas…it was a thankless job occupied more frequently by the corrupt and cadets that were little better than Starfleet rejects. The colonists who lived in an already harsh area needed all the qualified officers they could get.

The other man he was planning on recruiting was…odd to say the best. He was officially relegated to an outpost near the Vulcan homeworld, but this week was scheduled for a hearing in front of Starfleet regarding his posting. It was an ice planet and he was ostentatiously in charge of a small planetary base there. Unofficially it was a punishment for illegally using an admiral’s dog to test out his transporter theories and a few other more hushed up but no less sensational experiments.

Pike stepped into station bar. The interior was smokey and officers in a range of science blues to security reds packed the area, interspersed liberally among the station’s regular crew and a smattering of civilians. It took Pike a few moments of searching but eventually he spotted his target seated at a table near the back. The young helmsman was talking animatedly with a two other Starfleet officers and as Pike neared he looked up.

“Hikaru Sulu?”

The lieutenant stared at him without recognition before inclining his head in acknowledgement.

“I’d like a word with you.”

Sulu stiffened, his body language guarded, and Pike didn’t blame him. He was on a back world base and it wasn’t so uncommon that outside of what was technically federation space Starfleet officers were more likely to be harassed. Pike was well known back at the academy and among many of Starfleet’s upper brass, but he was also not the legends that some officers had to their name. Still, he could see recognition dawning in one of the officers seated at Sulu’s table.

It was a young woman with curly hair and an ensign’s rank on her sleeve. “Aren’t you captain Pike?” Apparently she decided on the answer to her own question, because before he could respond she had stood up from her seat, automatically bringing a hand up to salute him.

Pike gently pushed her down, before her actions could generate too many stares.  “At ease, ensign.” Instead of answering the question he could see in her eyes he turned back to Sulu and spoke. “I need to speak with you. It’s about Ganjitsu.”

The other two people at the table obviously had no idea what he was talking about but Sulu’s eyes met his with a hard look and the lieutenant rose without another word. Pike didn’t wait to see whether he was following as he made his way out the bar. He waited until they had walked to a more deserted part of the station before he started.

“You’re needed for a mission.”

Sulu didn’t speak for a moment and when he did his words were careful. “Excuse me sir, but rumor is you retired. You’re not active duty anymore.”

Pike wondered what the rumors were exactly.  Depending on just how many people he had managed to piss off in Starfleet, the rumors were probably pretty bad.

Sulu confirmed his suspicion because when Pike didn’t answer the lieutenant continued. “They’re saying Starfleet asked you to resign, after you tried to interfere with official proceedings regarding the murder at the academy.”

What Sulu said made sense. If he was discredited right off the bat it would be harder for people to believe any allegations he would possibly bring against Starfleet. The best defense was a good offense.

But Pike had his own offense. He knew Sulu, not personally but from his record. And once he heard what was actually happening at the academy he would have to make a choice, and Pike was confident he would make the right one. After a quick check of the corridor to make sure they were alone, Pike started explaining.

Minutes later, Sulu was silent. The only sound that could be heard was the rap of their feet upon the decking. Abruptly Sulu stopped, his voice was slow as he answered. “What you’re suggesting is a court-martial offense. It’s treason and while I may not agree with everything Starfleet or the Federation does I have an oath to uphold as an officer—“

“If someone doesn’t do something there will be no Starfleet or the Federation.” Pike cut Sulu’s comment off. “You were on Ganjitsu…I know your record… why out of all the ships in the fleet did you choose to serve on the _Aerfen?_ Ganjitsu was an isolated event, right? A few Starfleet officials decided that rather than risk a war with the Klingons they would withdraw forces, let the Albino do what he wanted and let that borderworld fall?”

Sulu didn’t speak and his jaw was tight, but Pike could tell he was listening.

“You’re wrong. Probably the same people that orchestrated Tarsus IV were involved in Ganjitsu. The plan was for Ganjitsu to be destroyed then certain officers in Starfleet could use the incident as a reason to _start_ a war…get the federation so riled up against the Klingons, the Romulans and whoever else, that they wouldn’t see the enemy within until it’s too late. You consider yourself loyal to the Federation and Starfleet…they don’t deserve your loyalty because what’s about to happen is something neither the federation or Starfleet as they were meant to be would condone.”

Pike lowered his voice his eyes holding Sulu’s steady. “Unless someone stops this, Ganjitsu and Tarsus IV will be the entire Federation in a few years. Billions will die, more will be enslaved…and if you’re still alive you’ll know you had the power to stop it and stood by doing nothing.”

There was silence, minutes passed and then finally Sulu spoke.

“I’ll meet you at docking bay 58A in a hour.” Then he was gone.

Pike watched him walk away, wondering how everything would turn out. Would they actually be able to stop Kodos, or was he leading them all to their deaths.

/O\

Scotty  was easier to convince to come along. The engineer was almost giddy with the prospect of not going back to his forced exile at the outpost where he was stationed. Even after Pike explained that the mission they were going on wasn’t sanctioned by Starfleet the engineer’s enthusiasm didn’t diminish.

“ I always did like an underdog captain. Plus I cannae turn down the opportunity to save the Federation as well as get off that thrice cursed ice planet. And you’re saying there’s real food and actual engineering work? What’s not to like?

_Days Later_

“I still can’t believe we’re doing this.” McCoy grumbled, as he watched Pike, and Spock discussing the best place to drop off Kirk.

Uhura replied from to McCoy’s left. “You mean letting Kirk join up with him?”

McCoy grimaced. That still didn’t sit well with him. It made sense to have an inside man and it was probably the only way they could effectively bring down Kodos since Starfleet was out of the question. In the past few weeks it had only become clearer  just how infiltrated Starfleet was.  The continued murders, kidnappings, and random acts of criminal activity had increased in frequency, but the fact that each and every instance was directly linked to one of the Tarsus survivors was conveniently not mentioned. Quiet stirrings were going around the subspace channels that Uhura had intercepted mentioning dilithium procurement and space ships being stolen, and that was just to mention a few.  However, what worried McCoy more than letting Kirk join up was what effect such a plan would have on his friend.

Kirk as near as they could make out had successfully remerged consciousness, but he wasn’t quite the same Jim. He was quicker to anger, colder, more calculating. It bothered McCoy to consider that maybe Kirk hadn’t changed but what was already there had come more to the surface.  It was like the old Jim was gone and the scarred fighter that he had undoubtedly  been on Tarsus had returned. McCoy was pretty sure that wasn’t a good thing.  What they were sending Jim into he might not come back from, physically or mentally.

Nobody listened to his opinions though, he was just the doctor. McCoy bit off what he really wanted to say and instead said. “Yeah, not to mention the new crew we’ve gotten. I don’t trust that engineer or our supposed helmsman. Isn’t it enough that we stole a ship? Now we’ve got a katana-carrying helmsman and an engineer who acts so damn hyper I’m half-sure he’s high. “

“We’ll the ship wasn’t going to fix itself, and on short notice Scotty’s one of the few people  that would help us out,“ Uhura added. “It’s not like we have many options. “

McCoy knew that Uhura was telling the truth, but it didn’t stop him worrying. He turned as he  spotted Chekov come onto the small bridge holding an animated conversation with their helmsman, Sulu,  who was sporting a definitely not regulation katana holstered on his back. McCoy shook his head.…There was no denying Pike may have been able to call in favors and get them the people and ship they needed. But a fourteen year old genius, a sword wielding helmsman from the _Aerfen_ , an excitable Scottish engineer and four former Starfleet Cadets along with one ex-Starfleet captain made for a motley crew.

Privately he thought that had little chance in hell of bringing down Kodos…and yet what else was there to do? This was definitely one case where it would be better to at least go down fighting.

/O\

Everything seemed to have happened so fast. It seemed like only days ago Spock was teaching him to wall off his mind for the first time and yet Kirk knew much more time had passed. He was better, more stable…though considering just how unstable he had been before it was only marginal improvement. But it was enough to fool most of the others…not Spock…but the Vulcan  understood that this was probably the best he was going to get at such short notice…possibly ever.

He was just a few steps from full blown insanity and yet he could function. So he counted it as a win, and did his best to ignore the miasma of chaotic feelings and thoughts that weren’t fully his and not allow them to manifest.

Kirk steeled himself as he and the others prepared to board the ship. He wanted to run, a large part of him was terrified at where he was going and yet the other part of him felt like he was returning home. The contrasting feeling had his stomach twisting. To take his mind off how he felt he forced himself to focus on his surroundings.

The ship was a sleek black color, with a design that hinted at speed and deadly power. Even from relatively far away the numerous weapons and shielding that outfitted the ship were clearly evident. The name on the side, _Salvation_ , made Kirk feel almost physically sick. The man who was in charge of that ship had brought the very opposite of salvation to thousands of people, and if he was allowed to continue would do the same to billions more.

Kirk was about to meet up with Kodos…like the others..his brothers and sisters in a sense. All of them reborn from someone else…all of them with the same purpose. They were the fruit of a madman's dreams…the children of a destroyer.

It hadn’t been too hard to meet up with the others. They were all seemingly drawn together somehow. Probably subliminal memories that were buried deep or maybe the vestiges of Kodos consciousness in them all drew them together but whatever the reason, Kirk had left his friends behind safely hidden in a nebula and hitched a ride to a nearby planet. From there he had slowly met up with tens of others, and a series of shady conversations and one drugged drink later he awoke on the same shuttle he was on now.

Kirk wondered how many people were walking the decks of the _Salvation_ , either of their own accord or because the demented programming in their minds had forced them to. The shuttle he was on now was filled with people of all species. Outside the shuttle windows he could see two more shuttles going towards the _Salvation._

The vessel docked, neatly setting down in a cargo bay of the _Salvation_ and Kirk stepped off with the others. He glanced around the shuttle bay, noticing people all around busy with activities. All were wearing the same black uniform, they moved with a single-minded purpose like parts of a hive mind, barely bothering to notice the new arrivals.

One man detached himself from the group of workers and gestured for them to follow him. “The captain will meet you all in the briefing room later but for now—“

His words broke off  and turned into a hasty salute as a group of people came towards them, two men and a woman.

To Kirk two of the group were familiar. He recognized Lenore from weeks ago, and the other face was one he could never forget. He struggled to keep the anger off his face as Kodos stopped and  surveyed the people standing before him.  As one the group he was standing in saluted and Kirk barely was able to bring himself to mimic the gesture.

Kodos smiled “At ease.” He walked down the men and women who had lined up and nodded approvingly until he came to Kirk. Kirk held his breath wondering what was next. Kodos didn’t speak for several seconds, but when he did, his voice was surprisingly full of emotion. “I heard who was arriving in this new group and wanted to greet you personally…James, it’s been too long.”

“Yes, it has, father.” Kirk forced the words out of his mouth, remembering all the while how Kodos had treated him all those years ago. He looked away unable to stand Kodos gaze any longer as the man’s eyes bored into him. His gaze landed on the other person in Kodos group. The face was strangely familiar now that he was looking closer but Kirk couldn’t recall the name. He memory was spared as Kodos spoke, answering the question written in Kirk’s gaze.

“I believe you’ve met Riley before…You’ll find he’s an apt pupil now.”

Kirk’s blood ran cold…he hadn’t seen Kevin Riley in years..but to see him now, barely a teenager and standing by the man who had murdered his parents and tried to murder him in cold blood had Kirk fighting to keep the anger off his face.

Riley gave a smile in response to Kodos' words that sent of shiver down Kirk’s back. He turned back to Kodos, trying to not compare the smiling little boy Kevin Riley had been on Tarsus with the cruel-faced young man he was now.

Before Kirk could consider the revelation further, Kodos had gestured for the rest of the group to disband and Kirk found himself left in the company of Kodos and his two companions.  Kodos was regarding him piercingly and broke the silence with a disconcerting comment. “You’ve changed.”

Kirk felt sweat prick his neck but forced himself to be calm as Kodos spoke again. “You matured with age, you’re more ruthless, more capable. Lenore told me about what you did to the traitor Relik.”

An unfelt smile came to Kirk’s face and he forced himself to laugh. “As I will do to all who defy us.”

Kodos relaxed a fraction like some test had been confirmed.  Riley’s expression was neutral but Lenore smiled with her teeth bared. She leaned in close and kissed him. He wanted to push her away but instead  deepened the kiss, remembering how he had reacted that night she had come to the academy –remembering what she and his other consciousness had shared. He had a role to play and though it made him sick he knew he would have to play along.

When she pulled away, he found himself simultaneously longing for her touch and repulsed by the smell of her scent still lingering near him. It was the normal state he nowadays found himself in, he hadn’t  told the others but everyday was something of a struggle between his desires and his emotions like two parts of his mind were fighting for control.  It was with that knowledge he had chosen to go along with the mission. He wasn’t so sure the other half of him was gone. If it was then perhaps he could bring Kodos down and make something good come from all that had happened. But if it wasn’t then he didn’t want to live like that. This way he had a choice, either he manage to destroy Kodos or the others would have to destroy Kodos and him.

Kirk raised his head taking a deep breath and meeting Kodos gaze with an unflinching stare as the man searched his eyes.  Kodos nodded and turned on heel, “it’s time for us to finish what was started many years ago.”

“Yes, it is.” Kirk agreed with Kodos as he turned to follow him. It would be over soon, one way or another.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all my readers, this story was awhile in coming and reading each and every review and seeing the Kudos kept me inspired. Special thanks to Redford who always has a good word and such enthusiasm that is every writers dream. 
> 
> This story ended on a bit of a cliffhanger...I'll leave you all to decide what happens next...I don't think there will be a sequel to this fic...but then again there was never supposed to be this alternate ending either.
> 
> Never say never, is one thing I've learned in writing ;)


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